Thursday, November 11, 2010

10 More Facts About the Duke of DVD...

On the occasion of his *mumblemumble*th birthday!

Yes, once again that black season is upon is in which his corpulent Eminence burst forth into our plane from whatever damnable parallel dimension was once his home, dripping gore and ichor, bellowing like a Stink Ape whose privates had been mishandled by an overzealous anthropologist. Here are a few things you might not know about my esteemed colleague and scholar of the MAD:

"Welcome to my party! Pants in the pile to the left, please."
  1. Dropped like a cuckoo into the nursery of his mother the Duchess Brunhilda (sixth wife of his father Perriwig Pigknuckle Higginbotham, thereafter the 665th Duke of DVD), he soon grew to Mammoth size, and his baby teeth were highly sought by the Ivory artisans of the lower realms. Nearly bankrupting his father's fiefdom with his voracious appetite for sorrel mushrooms and horse steaks, the young Duke was "cured" of his gigantism by a wizard whose name and spells are lost to history. 
  2.  A the age of twelve, while out snuffling for truffles with his prize hunting pig Bildad, he discovered the long lost treasure of his great grandfather, "Screaming Mad" Duke Dooncan Von Danglingdong, hidden in a mass grave on the ducal estate and sufficient to satisfy his lusts of all sorts for the rest of his life.
  3. At the age of 13 he had a traumatic experience with a one-eyed, three-toed, hook-handed gypsy prostitute, about which he still refuses to speak.
  4. The Duke's favorite colors are chartreuse, magenta, and viscera.
  5. Some years ago his pleasure yacht the D.S.S. Urungus vanished into a maelstrom off the coast of Norway, and all hands were presumed lost. However, the Duke was discovered by explorers several months later on a remote island of doll-sized orange pygmies, where he was being worshiped as a god.
  6. He is a certified Human Cannonball, currently ranked 4th in the world.
  7. Rumors that the Duke has appeared in adult films under the alias Pinky Gynormus have been neither confirmed nor denied. 
  8. He once drank an entire vat of Avery Samael's Oak-Aged Ale, and went on a murderous and lustful rampage through the town of Dunwoody-on-the-Wolde that is still sung about in the local balladry to this day.
  9. In his vaults the Duke possesses a pristine print of The Day the Clown Cried, but still hasn't got round to watching it.
  10. Somewhere on his body is a tattoo of First Lady Lucretia Garfield in the nude. First one to find it wins a prize!
Auditions for the musical biopic DUKEY! are going better than expected.
So please everyone, join me in wishing my talented and hilarious compatriot the happiest of birthdays. May you get everything you wish for today, and not have to answer to the authorities for it. ;)

Many happy returns, my friend!
The Vicar


Jose Cruz said...

Happy Birfday to ye, Duke! I would send you a card in the mail but, alas, all my quill pens here are filled with cyanide.

Would that last picture happen to be from The Scarlet Pimpernel by any chance?

JamiSings said...

Aw! Happy birthday, Dukey-wooky. *smooch*

I should go out and get some of that ale for you then send you out hunting for the little putzes that toilet papered and shaving creamed my home & car last night.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, sir!
I too had a run-in with those orange pygmies. No worship, though; they just wanted me to by them beer. Bastards still owe me twenty bucks.
Celebrate heartily! They can always make more ale.

The Duke of DVD said...

Thanks for the well-wishes, all!

And thanks to the Vicar, for that hilarious trip down memory lane. Some of those things I had forgotten entirely, thanks to costly therapy, and enough cocaine to kill a small village. Thanks for dredging them up again! :|

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