My dear friends, it is I, the Duke of DVD, and as most of you probably already know, my love for Italian horror is only eclipsed by my love for poncy hats. No one, I'm sure you'll all agree, puts the "Italia" in Italian horror like the great Mario Bava, a cinematographer turned director whose first film is our subject of discussion today. Every single gothic horror movie made after 1960 owes its lifeblood to this cinematic epic, and to complete a viewing is to sit in stunned awe, basking in the glory that is one of horror's pillars.
I must provide a warning here, however: This movie contains lots of talk about burning witches, outfitting witch faces with spiked masks, and the ill treatment of witches in general. If you or one of your loved ones are currently in the employ of Satan, you might find this content objectionable. We at MMMMad Movies apologize in advance and wish to remind you that sometimes art has to be cruel to be kind.
With that out of the way, let us explore, shall we?
Black Sunday opens with a spectacular witch trial. I say "trial" but what I really mean is a good ol' fashioned witch burning. A group of hooded, torch-bearing folks listen to a local noble as he denounces a raven-haired beauty tied to a pole. Lets get this out of the way:Barbara Steele is stunning. STUNNING, I say! We soon find out that it is her own brother that is condemning her for Satanic practices, along with her cohort, who is already dead via "Mask of Satan"ing.
An early publicity still from a Sunn O))) concert.
The witch is a princess, it turns out, named Asa Vajda. She spits a curse back at her brother, crying out: "You will never escape my hunger, nor that of Satan!" From my understanding, Satan prefers gluten-free products due to an allergy. He also likes his witches saucy, and Steele is muy caliente, to be sure.
Basically, the "Mask of Satan" is an iron mask wrought to resemble the Vicar's visage as he rolls out of bed in the mornings after a particularly epic bender. The inside of the mask is studded with 3-inch long spikes. Luckily for us, Bava pulls no punches and we get to see the Mask applied. First, it is fitted onto the struggling witch's face and then a large, shirtless executioner-type dude wielding a mallet the size of a tree trunk walks up and hammers it onto her face, causing instant death.
"Miss, please be still, this Avon Age-Defying Mask(tm) has to be properly applied."
Just to be double sure, the princess is dragged over to a large pyre. As soon as torches are touched to the wood, though, a mysterious downpour occurs, causing the superstitious villagers to flee, the fools! Don't they realize what they are doing?! You can't leave a witch unburned! At any rate, they are at least wise enough to bury her in the family crypt inside a sarcophagus that has a window in the lid, where her masked corpse is forced to stare at a stone cross fashioned out of the top of the coffin lid. At least they get something right!
We then jump 200 years into the future. The stately Doctor Kruvajan (Andrea Checchi) and his assistant Doctor Andre (played by the dashingly handsome John Richardson) are traveling via horse-drawn coach to a lecture. Their alcoholic driver is highly nervous and is attempting to cross the foul land as fast as he can. Suddenly, they all pay for his haste when the carriage gets stuck on a fallen tree! The two doctors decide to investigate their surroundings while the driver works to free the vehicle.
"Boris, you fucking clod, hurry up and call AAA."
Soon they hear a mournful howl, which appears to be coming from the ruins of an old church. Going to investigate, they discover that the howling is the work of some old pipe organ pipes. Knocking them down, the older Dr. Kruvajan shows he's not afraid of no ghost. They see an open door leading down into the sub-level of the ruins, so they investigate further. Naturally, it's the crypt of the witch!
"Look Andre, with this handy window we can watch the maggots feast. Andre? Where are you going?"
The two of them gaze through the glass on the coffin, talking with each other about the customs of how this witch was treated, clucking their tongues at the barbarity of it all. Dr. Andre leaves his elder as he goes back to check on the driver's progress with the coach. As soon as he's gone, Dr. Kruvajan is assaulted by a bat the size of a bull mastiff! Beating it with his cane, he fends it off before finally shooting it. It falls on the sarcophagus, where a final blow from the Doctor's cane busts the stone cross on top of the lid. Oh dear...
Mario Bava Presents: The World's Dustiest Bat
Pieces of the cross fall and break the glass window, to boot. The doctor reaches inside the coffin to retrieve a painted triptych he sees inside, cutting himself on the glass in the process. Stupidly, the doctor also unmasks the corpse, his curiosity getting the best of him I guess. Something tells me this sequence of events is about to cause people problems. In fact, this might be best expressed with a Bava tribute haiku:
Busted cross breaks glass
Cut hand drips blood in eye-hole
Satan's bride rises!
The doctor, not realizing his grave error (ba-dump--The Vicar), leaves. Outside, the two doctors meet the local princess, the beautiful Katia (also played by Barbara Steele). She's out walking the dogs. The young doc Andre is smitten instantly, as are we all. After a brief conversation, the doctors are on their way, and young Andre leans out of the window to watch Katia fade into the distance. We then cut back into the interior of the stone sarcophagus and see that bubbling blood and maggots are swarming in the empty eye sockets of the now-unmasked witch!
The Cursed Cemetery: Satanic Grotto and Dog-Run
Next we see Katia at home, playing the piano as her brother stands by polishing a hunting rifle. Nearby her father sits before a roaring fire. A suddenly howling in the distance frightens them all, and her father realizes that a painting of the Princess Asa has changed to incorporate more evil. It turns out these are direct descendants, naturally, of the burned witch and her partner, whose painting also hangs in the family room. I normally don't question people's decoration decisions, but whaaaaa?!
"My god, Duke, that'll never fit in my... uh, let's try anyway."
The father tells us all a story about how exactly one century to the day after Princess Asa was buried, a descendant of hers that resembled her died horribly. And now, one century after that, Katia (who also resembles her, natch) is in grave danger. This is a cause for concern by all, obviously.
We then cut to a rowdy tavern, where the good doc and his protege are enjoying the local vodka. A young girl is being ordered by her innkeeper mother to go milk the cow (in the dead of night, wtf?). Obviously the girl is reticent so her mother turns to the elder Dr. Kruvajan and asks for his opinion. Turns out the girl is afraid because the barn is next to a cemetery (!). The doctor reassures the girl, saying the line that will no doubt come back to haunt him: "We shouldn't be afraid of the dead."
While the girl is milking the cow, who is obviously cranky at being woken up for a midnight udder-tug, a deep fog rolls into the graveyard. We see the witch issue the command "RISE!" and up comes her masked Satanic partner, who rips off his mask with his graveyard-mud-soaked gloves and heads off into the woods, oddly enough not pausing to kill the milk maid.
"Oh, hi, uh, is this the tryouts for Man in the Iron Mask 2: Get Maskier?"
Instead, he heads straight to the castle and tries to kill the king (at least I assume he's king), but fails when at the last second the king produces a cruciform, driving the ghostly Satan worshiper away with the power of JAYZUS. Knowing that the king is protected, the Satanic minion goes after Dr. Kruvajan instead, rumbling up out of nowhere in a badass black carriage.
This is pretty much the most awesome shot in any movie, ever, that doesn't feature Paul Naschy.
He whisks the doctor away to the castle and leads him through a secret passage behind the fireplace which leads down into the crypt, which is underneath the church ruins nearby. The witch, still manipulating things from within her stone sarcophagus, finally begins to rise as the doctor tries to flee, in vain. The stone shatters, and the witch is free!
She immediately hypnotizes the good doctor, forcing him to walk over and give her a lingering kiss. I'm afraid I wouldn't have needed any hypnosis. Meanwhile, the king is sweaty with fever, writhing in bed. The good Katia and the prince try to care for him, all to no avail. Suddenly, the doctor comes in, walking like a zombie (no doubt still numb from making out with a 200 year old heretic), and asks the youngsters to leave so that he may care for the king. As soon as they are gone, he gives him the stare of death, literally.
Meanwhile, the Satanic assistant collaborates with his newly awakened mistress. The plan, as it were, is to bring the young Katia down to yon crypt so that the witch can suck the life from her. Elsewhere, Dr. Andre is waking up from too much vodka to find the professor is gone. He learns from the innkeeper that the good doc went to the castle to care for the ailing king. Andre sallies forth into the dawn!
As Andre is passing by on horse on his way to the castle, he sees the young milk maid washing clothes in a fetid river. After he goes on his merry way after receiving directions from her, she notices a pox-ridden body floating near the shore. It's Boris, the hapless coach driver! Poor Boris, done in by Satanic forces no doubt!
Andre arrives at the castle, only to run into the zombified Doc, who speaks cryptically until Andre pulls the triptych from his bag, causing the doctor to flee in a panic. Andre and the young brother scour the castle, eventually finding the secret passage behind the fireplace. Going down to investigate, they discover the witch, freed from her tomb, now apparently breathing and regaining life! Andre runs off to find the local priest, leaving the brother alone with the witch.
"Here, let me help you with this top button..."
He's not alone for long, however, when suddenly the Satanic minion arrives and a rousing bout of fisticuffs ensues, culminating in the brother getting tossed into a handy trapdoor pit, complete with spikes at the bottom. Meanwhile, Andre with priest in tow head to the graveyard and find the opened grave, and the Mask of Satan that the minion tossed aside. Choice line from the priest: "Sometimes Satan, in his capacity for evil, plays tricks with the dead!"
"Thank you for the birthday card, but why is it addressed to Father Grizzly Adams?"
In another nearby grave they find the body of the poor doctor Kruvajan and drive a spike into his eye-socket, presumably preventing any further reanimation. The two then race back to the castle as the Satanic minion drags Katia down to the crypt. The witch visibly drains her life, causing the witch's own face to look fantastic while ravaging the face of poor young Katia. Bava uses some killer camera work here, in one frame showing both people played by Steele at the same time. Amazingly groundbreaking stuff.
"Hmm, you know, I could make out with myself..."
Andre arrives just in the nick of time, but the Satanic minion is having no interruptions. Fisticuffs ensue yet again, the two going at it like a couple of prize pugilists. The trapdoor pit once again comes into play, but before the minion can shove Andre into it, a not-so-dead brother comes flying up out of the pit, high enough to grab the minion and pull him down to his doom. The brother then expires in Andre's arms, the poor thing was just tuckered out.
Back in the village, a posse is roused, presumed by me to be heading to Broadway, but no! They instead head to the castle, torches in hand. The witch is once again dragged off toward a hastily-erected pyre. Andre, though, is in mourning. They were too late to save poor Katia, whom he is in lust with. As the flames begin to flicker around the witch, it seems all is not lost yet. Katia breathes!
Just a good ol' fashioned witch burnin' and weenie roast.
In the end, dispatching the witch with the purifying fire of JAYZUS cured everyone's ills. Note to self: Applying a Mask of Satan is not enough; burn any and all witches. Andre and Katia kiss. Fin.
I would try to talk about Bava's opus here but I fear I would run out of superlatives. Suffice it to say that this movie, shot entirely in black & white, is beyond beautiful. It holds up just as well today as it did in 1960, and is simply stunning. Bava uses composition like no other, and his work in this film is still being felt today.
The acting is fantastic as well, and no person does it better than Barbara Steele. Playing two roles, each completely different from the other, she shines like a star. Every single scene she's in the eye just gravitates to her, and Bava's camera obviously loved her. The others as well, especially Andre, carry out their roles with enthusiasm and skill. The crew was definitely firing on all cylinders, that's for sure.
The special effects, also, were superb. From the opening application by mallet of the Mask of Satan to the nail being driven into Dr. Krujavan's eye socket, everything was wrought in disgusting detail, and the camera wouldn't let us flinch away. Bava basically holds your head in a vise-like grip, forcing you with his unyielding, grave-cold hands to watch what he wants you to watch. We love this, oh yes we do.
In the end, how can I give this film anything else than the highest of honors: 3+ Thumbs Up. Any reader of his blog who doesn't have this film in their collection is truly missing a gem.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Black Sunday (1960): Bava's Awesomeness, Let Me Show You It
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The She-Beast (1966), Or, How I Was Really, Really Wanting To See Barbara Steele's Hoots.
Dearest friends, it is I, the Duke, writing to you from my estate in the south of France. Normally in this space I would relate to you my recent exploits, enthralling you with tales of odious gypsies in the darkest reaches of the globe. However, I will not be doing that this time, as I have been battling a curious malady that has forced me to stay close to home. Without going into specifics, let me instead suggest that if the Vicar invites you to accompany him to a brothel high in the Andes, a brothel filled with deformities cursed by what must be the most hate-filled god, politely decline.
Having nothing to do but smoke via my hookah, I had a trusty servant bring me a random sampling from the media library. I was pleasantly surprised when she returned with The She-Beast, starring the fabulous Barbara Steele. Made in 1966 by first-time director Michael Reeves, the movie was shot on a shoestring budget and was entirely made within 3 days. While this haste shows, we still get a movie that is wholly enjoyable, if for different reasons than me might first have expected. Let’s examine it more closely, shall we?
Our movie opens with a drunken old man driving a yellow car up to his “house”. I use house loosely because it’s really a cave, despite it having a front door and a little green mailbox. The cave is decorated with skulls, so props to his interior decorator. In his stupor, he stumbles over to his bed and picks up a book for some light reading. The book is an account of the nearby town’s witch problems some 200 years previous. Flashback time!
A boy flees through a forest and through fields, blood trickling down his forehead. Onward he runs, finally arriving at the village church. He pounds on the door, interrupting a funeral in progress, where most (probably all) of the townsfolk are gathered. The boy informs the villagers that the witch has taken his brother! The priest quickly calls for a torch-wielding posse. There’ll be an ol’ fashion witch-hunt tonight, oh yeah!
"My posse's on Broadway!"
As they are rushing out the door, one of the priests of the church tries in vain to remind everyone that the Count should be sent for first, so that he can exorcise the demon out of the witch before they kill her, because if they don’t she’ll “forever be in our midst!” Ignoring him in their bloodlust, they rush into the hills anyway, torches waving. The procession finally arrives at the witch’s cave and the head priest steps forward. “Come forth, Sister of Satan!!” he bellows.
"Surprise! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!"
Screeching like a Turkish sailor who just paid good money to have a prostitute in high heels to stomp on his sack, the witch flies out of the cave in a rage. Her face looks like she began using boric acid as a pimple cleanser and didn’t know when to stop. Her hair could only be described as “kind”… the kind that grows on a goat’s ass. Wearing only a black dress and a bloody bone around her neck to accessorize, she strikes a fitting image for a bride of Satan.
She bites and claws, but quickly the villagers have her subdued. These folks really know how to show a witch a good time! Off to the lake they go, whereupon we are greeted by the sight of what I thought at first was a witch catapult. This movie would have vaulted into a hallowed 3+ Thumbs territory if they had loaded the witch into a catapult and launched her, screeching, out into the lake. Sadly, it turns out this was simply a dunking stool, or “ducking stool”, a medieval device designed to dunk people into water, sometimes for minor offenses, but eventually it grew to be used for determining if someone was a witch or not.
The Vicar looks on with excitement as his servants begin Operation Pig-Launch(tm)
Here the villagers refer to it as the Chair of Chastisement, a fitting name given that they already know this lady is a witch and simply wish to dispose of her in as horrible way as they can. The witch is strapped into the chair, and then a giant heated spike is driven in through the back of it, into and through the witch’s body. These villagers know how to go the extra mile! The device is wheeled down to the water’s edge and the witch is then dunked repeatedly, and one must assume she is drowned. However, before they can properly torture her to death, the witch utters the classic “I’ll haunt this place, I’m super serious!” witch-curse. Why no one thought to gag her first isn’t covered.
Suddenly we are back in modern times. A young married couple are driving a VW Beetle through the Transylvanian countryside (also known as somewhere in Italy, where the movie was shot). We have Philip, played by Ian Oglivy, and Veronica, played by Barbara Steele. We learn they are lost, until a policeman comes by on a bicycle and recommends them an inn to stay the night at. They head off in search of the inn.
"Excuse me Miss, but ZANG."
The inn, it turns out, seems to have only one room, and is run by a grotesque fat man who apparently is a Communist. The couple meets up with the drunk old man we saw reading the book at the start of the film. Turns out he’s a Van Helsing, decedent from a long line of Van Helsings who watch over this area, waiting on the witches curse to kick in. Meanwhile he spends his time getting toasted. Soon the couple is ensconced in their room, whereupon they start getting a bit randy.
What’s a perverted fatass of an innkeeper to do but watch? Groper (a fitting name) sneaks around back and watches the festivities. I was hoping here for some glimpse at Steele’s ample mammaries, but unfortunately we only get some cleavage, which really is enough, because, well, zang. Veronica catches him looking and alerts Philip, who rushes outside and repeatedly fucking BASHES Groper’s head into the wall! I thought he was dead, given all the blood, but no he’s ok it seems, waking up a bit later.
"Easy, dear. You might feel a little pressure..."
Groper rips the distributor cap out of the VW, out of revenge I guess, but this doesn’t work out too well, since Philip just barges into his room and gets it back after realizing it’s missing from the car. With that, the couple is on their way. Or so they think! Something, some “force”, takes over the car, and suddenly Philip can’t steer! Narrowly avoiding a lorry, they plunge off into the very lake the witch was drowned in! The truck driver, thinking he has some responsibility for what happened, drags Philip and Veronica out of the lake, but alas poor Veronica has expired!
The driver takes the unconscious Philip and the dead Veronica back to the inn. Groper helps him put the bodies in the kitchen. The driver leaves, fearing police involvement, and Groper sits down to wait on Philip to wake up, bottle of booze in hand. Philip finally comes around, and Groper drunkenly informs him of what went on. Rushing to check on his wife, Philip pulls back the cover they have over her to reveal… someone who isn’t his wife! It’s the witch! Of course, Philip and Groper don’t know this, and are quite perplexed as to what is going on. Luckily Van Helsing shows up. He’s the man with the plan.
"Where's my money, man? Where's my money?!"
Van Helsing whisks Philip away, back to his man-cave. He grabs a wooden totem, which looks quite phallic frankly, and begins reading from another of his books, trying to discern the best way to get rid of the witch. Philip becomes impatient, and runs off, heading back to town. Van Helsing can’t locate Philip, and heads back to the inn himself, wooden dildo in tow. He chants over the witch, bringing her back to life (so that she might be exorcised and killed properly, natch). He quickly regrets this decision, as the witch promptly chokes him into unconsciousness before running off into the forest.
Van Helsing is an erotic asphyxia practitioner.
Meanwhile, Groper is reclining on his soiled bed reading through a naughty book, when sudden a local girl bursts in through the front door. Seems she had been passing by when she heard some suspicious screeching in the woods. Groper, drunk and horny, throws the girl on his bed, ripping her shirt open and attempting to mount her. I could only compare this to an attractive girl being dry humped by a walrus. The girl gets away, fleeing in terror. Groper runs after her, calling for her to come back, when Philip walks up asking Groper to call the police. Startled, Groper swings the bottle he’s carrying before really looking to see whom it is. Philip is down!
Thinking Philip dead, Groper drags him into the middle of the road, where, after narrowly avoiding getting hit by the same lorry driver from before, Van Helsing finds him and pulls him to safety. Meanwhile, back inside the inn, Groper gets what’s coming to him, as the witch returns, sickle in hand, and proceeds to very messily murder Groper. It was about here that I realized the director was taking a different direction with this film. After killing him, the witch tosses the sickle onto the floor, where it comes to rest on a hammer, making the classic Soviet symbol!
Where's Joseph McCarthy when you need him?
The witch runs off, Philip and Van Helsing begin tracking her down. Their search leads to an alley in a small town, where a young boy has snuck out of his house in order to watch a cock fight through a window. The witch attacks, but the guys save the boy from certain death. Injecting the witch with something to knock her unconscious, they take her back to the inn and leave her.
Meanwhile the lorry driver finally turns himself into the police, and upon hearing his story the police chief decides more investigation is in order. Off to the inn they go! They discover the witch’s body, and load her up into a van, and speed off, just as Philip and Van Helsing are returning to finish the job. This sets off another corny set-piece of the movie that had me scratching my head. We get a way over-long chase scene in which the bumbling police drive all over trying to get their van back. The director uses sped-up camera techniques meant to convey speed, and the whole thing plays out like a Benny Hill skit.
Van Helsing also likes a little man-on-man action.
Soon, though, the chase is over. The witch hops out and attacks the cops, who finally corner the van. Distracted, she doesn’t see Van Helsing sneak up and inject her yet again! Quickly they drag her down to the lake, strap her into the dunking stool, and dunk away, submerging her repeatedly. Suddenly, she is no longer on the chair! The guys have a moment of panic until a newly healed Veronica floats up out of the water!
"I think I broke a nail..."
Philip wades out and drags her to shore. She’s groggy and wet, but appears unharmed. We cut to later as Van Helsing admits there’s no longer a reason to stay in this country. He decides to accompany Philip and Veronica as they head back to England. All three pile into the VW and head out. Philip says he can’t wait to put Transylvania behind him, and Veronica says “Oh… I’ll be back.” Dum-dum-DUUUUUM goes the music! Quick cut to a close-up of Veronica’s face. She gives a sly smile, and repeats the line:
“I’ll be back.”
Overall, I enjoyed this movie. Did it blow me away? Heavens no! It came across as exactly what it was: A cheap movie with a cast of about 10 people made for as little as possible. However, it was terribly enjoyable. I loved the humor sprinkled throughout, especially the sickle and hammer shot. How could I not chuckle at that? The Benny Hill car chase was a bit much since it went on for so long, but overall it was evident the director, and all involved even, really tried to put their best foot forward and make a good movie with what they had.
In researching this film, it seems Barbara did this movie simply as a side project that she got paid $5000 to do over a 3 day period. Reeves, very young at 22, started crafting his techniques that would become more famous with his epic film Witchfinder General (also one of my favorite bands!) The film stock presented on this new DVD is the original Technoscope 35mm print, and overall it looks fairly descent. There were a lot of noticeable scratches, dust, and at one point what appeared to be a bubble creeping across a few frames, so it is evident that not a lot of restoration went into the final cut. I wish it had had some more care but at least it is watchable and in the correct aspect ratio.
In the end, I would have to give this film 2 Thumbs, mainly because we get to gaze upon Barbara Steele quite a bit, and also for the corny humor that I had to laugh at despite myself. With only one good scene of violence, when Groper gets sickled, there isn’t much gore to speak of, except for a few close-ups of the witch’s visage, oozing blood and such. The music also deserves special mention, I felt Ralph Ferraro’s score was fitting.
My friends, if you find yourself wanting some good witch-dunking entertainment, you could do a lot worse than The She-Beast.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Les Demons (1972), Or The Inquisition Gets All The Chicks
The moon hung low in the sky like a leper’s testicle: bloated and swollen, with a hint of green. Steel clouds occasionally obscured its pockmarked surface, casting shadows across the cobbles before me. I had arrived in Cairo the previous morning, choosing to spend my first 36 hours in the company of a cadre of acrobatic dwarfs, visiting the city as part of a world tour or some such. Their skills on the trapeze are only eclipsed by their skills in the bedroom, I assure you.
My slippered feet whisked me forward. A near invisible circle of Sudanese assassins shadowed me, allowing me to walk without fear from the cut-purses and murderers that the Khan el-Khalili is so famous for. I had come to this world famous market in search of a rare treasure that had so far eluded my grasp. Dark whispers in the deepest corners of the world had lead me in this direction, but it wasn’t until a recent scrying ceremony, performed by a Důr shaman using elk bones thrust into an earthen berm and then heated to bursting, that I knew exactly where I would find the object I had coveted for so long.
Using a wooden fetish provided by the shaman, I made my way through the twists and turns of the bazaar. A strangled cry from the darkened aisle to my right informed me that one of my guards had happened upon a road agent. As per my instructions, his heart and liver would be removed and incinerated in a glass brazier fueled by plump Sago worms, thus ensuring that the would-be murderer’s entire lineage will die in horrible pain and agony.
As the fetish in my hand grew colder and colder, I knew I was at last arriving at my destination. A final turn, and I knew I was there indeed. Before me stood a wooden stall, lashed together using camel sinew and intestines. It looked as if it would collapse at any moment. A bewildering sign reading “Worm Rape” in hieroglyphs hung out front. The proprietor stood huddled in the shadows, wearing filthy rags. He reeked of dung smoke and as he bobbed his head and smiled, I could smell his breath from 10 paces. The smell was a combination of curry and another smell that made me think that this man had not too recently been making out with a hobo’s ass.
His collection of wares was meager, I paid them no mind. He immediately sensed my reason for being there, as he turned and brought up a brass box from behind his counter. The box, fashioned in the Dolei tribesman way, was entirely covered in hammered brass which was then punctured with an awl in a deliberate fashion. The wrong person opening this box would very quickly find themselves without hands and tongue. He opened the box and offered its contents to me. I dropped a bag of gold coins on the counter and snatched up the object, moments before the entire structure collapsed onto the screaming merchant due to the weight of the gold. In my shaking hands I finally beheld…
Jess Franco’s Les Demons, made in 1972, gives us an epic tale of masturbatory nuns and the randy Inquisition. If you aren’t completely engorged within the first 15 minutes, have your pulse checked. Our movie opens with the Inquisition performing their godly duties, namely the exposing of a witch. And expose they do! Breasts are quickly bared as boiling water is poured on the old witch being put to the question. The water doesn’t evaporate, and she looks haggard enough, and possibly has a wart somewhere on her body, so a witch she is!
The first place to look for witch-like markings is on the breasts, naturally.
In short order, a pyre is erected and the witch is burned alive. Stupidly they don’t shove a rag into her mouth, and she uses what little time she has before going to meet her master to curse everyone present. She claims her daughters will avenge her, by opening their thighs no doubt, which Franco wastes no time in getting to. The noble Lady DeWinter is in attendance, along with the head Inquisitor Jeffries and his brother-in-arms Renfield; all fall under the curse. Lady DeWinter, fearing reprisal from said daughters, talks Jeffries into scouring the countryside for these saucy wenches.
Their search brings them to a convent, where we find the Mother Superior at odds with her feelings. Seems she happened upon the flaming hot Sister Kathleen, who was engaged in naked rubbing with herself, which caused the normally unflappable Mother Superior to immediately soak 3 sets of habits. Not only this, but Kathleen also has trouble paying attention during Bible class. Her penchant for self exploration coupled with her day dreaming surely means, yep, you guessed it... she’s a witch!
Mother Superior soaks another habit.
Kathleen and her chaste Sister Margaret are brought before Lady DeWinter, who performs the tried and true test of whether a nun is a bride of Christ or a bride of Satan: The Broken Hymen Exam. The Lady performs it herself, and a couple of finger jabs later we have our witch! Kathleen is whisked away by the Inquisitor Renfield, who is in service to Lady DeWinter in more ways than one.
The tried and true Witch Detection Vag-Finger Test.
Kathleen is tied to an x-shaped wooden flogging apparatus and is being flogged by various Inquisition members, who obviously have nothing against women. Renfield watches, growing more and more horny by the second. Lady DeWinter comes down to spy on the proceedings, wearing a zang-worthy see-through nightgown. Renfield runs into her as he’s leaving, and they both decide to work off the built-up randy-ness by playing a little game of “I’m A Saucy Witch, Please Rodger Me Mr. Inquisition Guy”.
In a surprisingly gentle turn for an Inquisitor, Renfield falls in love with Kathleen (helped in no small way both by Kathleen’s free-range bush and her seemingly endless ability to take whip lashes). He orders two of the guards to set her free.
Meanwhile, it seems that their mother’s curse covers more than just Kathleen, for that very night as Margaret is making ready for evening prayers, Satan Himself pops into the room, dressed as an British fop, as is his wont. He drills Margaret all night long, breaking her over like a shotgun and riding bareback. Filled with lust, and Satan’s Own Seed™, Margaret now knows the joys of being penetrated by a god and isn’t going to settle for less in the future.
"Prepare to be teabagged by His Infernal Majesty."
Upon finding Kathleen missing, the Lady DeWinter has both guards killed. (They fall silently to their deaths, revealing nothing of Renfield’s instructions. Where does one buy awesome help like this, someone tell me please?!) The Lady is pissed, ordering an immediate search for Kathleen. We flash back to Margaret at the convent. She tells the Mother Superior “I enjoy fondling my body!” and we nod in encouragement. She undresses an awe-struck Mother Superior and begins sexing her up. Allowing it to go on way longer than she should, Mother Superior jumps up and flees, running out onto a balcony, whereupon she throws herself over the side, committing suicide because of her lesbonic tendencies. For shame!
Meanwhile, Lady DeWinter learns of Renfield’s treason, and gives him one last chance: find Kathleen. Indeed he does, but instead of returning Kathleen to the Lady and Jeffries’ clutches, he professes his love and asks Kathleen to run away to Holland with him. Before any of that can happen, however, they are both captured. Finally, Lord Inquisitor Jeffries' true depravity is revealed when he makes a deal with Kathleen: become his sex slave and he’ll go easy on Renfield.
"No one expects.... me."
Margaret somehow infiltrates the DeWinter household, posing as a well-to-do princesses. The Lady DeWinter finally gives in to her lesbian feelings, and reveals that she’s been training hard by showing us some Olympic-level muff diving. As everyone knows, vaginas are like fingerprints, and very quickly the Lady realizes Margaret’s true identity. Alas, it is too late, for the curse takes effect and the beautiful Lady DeWinter is reduced to a mere skeleton, albeit one with blond hair.
"Tastes like chicken, with a hint of nun."
Margaret frees Renfield and Kathleen, and they flee. They aren’t gone long before Margaret kisses Renfield, killing him! Kathleen realizes that Margaret really is a witch, and has her arrested. Margaret is burned at the stake, but asks Lord Jeffries for one final wish: a kiss from his Lordship. Jeffries can’t resist anything with breasts (including fellow Inquisitors at the annual bacchanal), so he grants it. One kiss later and Jeffries is a skeleton. The curse is complete!
"Icky, get this thing off me!
I must say, I absolutely loved this gem of a movie. It had everything. Satan sexing a nun doggy-style, naked nuns being put to the question, lesbian Mother Superiors who can’t control their urges, and copious shots of French bush. Speaking of things French, the extended print I have of this movie isn’t completely dubbed, which made for some amusing scenes. Most of the time the voiceover work was fine, but every once in a while, particularly when someone in the film was angry, the dubbing would disappear and the movie would lapse back into its native French. I realize it was due to this being the uncut version, but it made for some hilarity throughout.
It cannot be overstated how fantastic the sets were in this film, either. French castle architecture was in full effect, with grand vistas around every corner, long stairways, curved arches, and just an overall sense of oppulance. The cinematography was spot on, and I often felt that scenes were framed perfectly, and/or decorated with a critical eye. The music, however, was often out of place I felt. Not that the music was bad, necessarily, but it just often didn’t fit the mood. A long, slow funeral dirge would have been more appropriate, perhaps coupled with carnival music for the sex scenes.
In the end, this movie passes all the requirements for a good nunsploitation movie. There’s plenty of ‘sploitin’ and lots of Inquisition, which I totally didn’t expect. Jess Franco knows his audience, that’s for sure, and Les Demons proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt. If I could fault it for anything, I would have to say more sex scenes would have been welcome. In fact, a hour long shot of the two sister nuns masturbating, following by a hour long three-way with Lady DeWinter, and we’d have had ourselves an epic movie. As it stands, I give Les Demons 2.5 Thumbs Up.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Vampire Ecstasy (1974): or, Don't Knock the Krock
Imagine a standard Old Dark House/Inheritance Reading set-up, in a decrepit mansion that may be haunted by a spirit hell-bent on familial revenge. Imagine that the list of inheritors is composed of a short oversexed blonde in thrall to the spirit's lust-inducing powers on one hand, and a Hawt School Marm with her zoot suit-wearing lipstick-lesbian lover on the other. Now imagine a brother-and-sister ghostbusting team just happens to arrive hours before the will is read, and that the spirit's sexy powers awaken the woman's incestuous lust in hopes of preventing her from revealing the truth. Imagine the housekeeping staff is made up entirely of a lesbian witch coven, all stern unsmiling servants by day and Laugh-In Go-Go Dancers of Satan by night. Finally, imagine the evil spirit in question is not just a spirit, but a Lesbian Vampire Queen whom the head housekeeper wants to resurrect so she can get some 500-year-old lovin'.
Now--imagine that such a movie ACTUALLY EXISTS, was directed by the man responsible for Deep Throat 2 and Inside Little Oral Annie, and boasts an all-German cast who deliver their English lines entirely through phonetics!
I swear--sometimes a guy just hits the Trash Movie JACKPOT.
Vampire Ecstasy (aka The Devil's Plaything) hits the ground running and never slows down. We open with with a naked woman chained to a stake under the main titles--always a good start--and then quickly switch to a witchy ceremony with the aforementioned coven, all in diaphanous gowns and metal circlet headresses. As pseudo-Arabic music plays in the background, the witches drop their diaphanes to reveal Leia Slave-Girl Bikinis and Goldie Hawn-body paint, circa 1969. It's all so beautiful, the lesbo-fondling just before the director's credit really isn't necessary--but I'm still glad it's there.
Get used to this kind of thing.
Turns out Helga is one of the last two living descendants of the owners of the castle on the moors, and has come to hear the reading of her late aunt's will. As the coach bears her further and further from civilization--or at least the train station--she seems to go back in time as well; once she arrives at the castle and is met by three weird sisters in black sack dresses and schoolmarm buns, she might as well be in medieval Bohemia.
Not long after that the OTHER cousin arrives at the castle (on foot, strangely): dark-haired and shy-looking Monika (the aptly named Ulrike Butz) accompanied by her lesbian lover, who we know is a lesbian because of her 1940s Gangster-style pin-stripe suit and fedora. The two are welcomed--though such is hardly the right word--by head housekeeper Wanda Krock (the amazing Nadia Henkowa), one of the sternest, most menacing Teutonic housekeepers it's ever been my pleasure to meet. Refusing to let the hot girlfriends sleep in the same room, Frau Krock isolates them and instructs them to wait until their late aunt's will can reveal who will be the mistress of the manor.
"Billie Jean is not my lover--oh, wait, yes she is."
Now, having deftly maneuvered all his pieces into place, Director Joe Sarno decides to celebrate a job well-done in the traditional way: with a NAKED SATANIC GO-GO DANCE OUTTA NOWHERE!
I just have to stop here for a moment and sing the geeky praises of Nadia Henkowa as the inestimable Frau Krock. I've seen a lot of Sexy Germanic Ice Queens in my time, but Frau Krock is really in a class by herself for sternness, authoritarian snappishness, and general icy menace. Simply put, Frau Krock is AWESOME. She's a woman who would just as soon snap your neck as say hello, and you can sense it in every twitch of her well-developed sneering muscles.
Frau Krock suggests you speak to the hand.
Not only that, but when it comes to the Devil's Go-Go Party, she's got a bod that won't quit and she's not at all afraid to use it. In the celebratory coven dance Frau Krock takes a leading role, as groovy and watery in the joints as any Laugh-In dancer ever was--except she does it with the same stern, icy poker face, as if this were not a dance of joy, but merely a necessary task to be accomplished with maximum mirthless efficiency. The juxtaposition of that face and that pumping paint-covered naked bod is startling, and affecting in a deep emotional way IYKWIMAITYD.
It doesn't take long for the coven's black magic to have its effect on the overnight guests--and since this coven specializes in black magic of the SEXY variety, it yields supernaturally Sexy Results. Helga and Peter are both plagued with ultra-realistic fuck-dreams, leading Helga to to sleepwalk, both in her diaphanous nightgown and out of it. (Zang.) Meanwhile Peter merely gasps and writhes on his bed while Julia watches over him, obviously more affected by the sight than mere sisterly affection will allow. Overcome with the sexy, Julia starts feeling herself up and playing pet-the-kitty while watching her brother's happy dream. Whether this is the coven's spell at work or Julia's own filthiness at play is left for the audience to judge. Still, worried that something wicked just might make her come, Julia adorns herself and her brother with crosses made of garlic, just to be safe.
Suffering from an uncontrollable case of all-consuming horniness, Helga goes to Frau Krock and begs her to "make the throbbing stop!" This is all part of Krock's eeevil plan, of course, as she explains to the panting Eurobabe:"Some spells make you seethe with unfulfilled desires--make your juices flow, hot and burning...your fingers want in, the flames of Hell set your nipples afire and open your womb to the will of her priestesses!"
I wonder if they offer correspondence courses?
Open up and say "Ahhhhhhhh!"
From here on out it's just one sexy horror after another. Pushed on by forces in her crotch she can no longer control, Helga seduces Monika's lesbian lover in a hay loft before delivering her to the coven in the basement, where the girl is hypnotized and made to squat over a gigantic conical candle while another coven member has sex with a hogtied muscleman on the altar. All this under Frau Krock's stern, emotionless eye, naturally. Later Helga succeeds in taking Peter's garlic away, Monika is possessed by the spirit of Baroness Dania and has a long sex scene with Peter while Helga humps a waist-high candle in the background, and Frau Krock offers Julia all the Luscious Pete that she can eat if she'll join the coven and stop being such a square already.
Oh, and some of the candles in the coven room are shaped like penises--though not the ones being used as happy-funtime-playtoys, oddly.
"Please just try to relax."
Vampire Ecstasy is 100% out-of-control sexy vampire goodness from start to finish, with enough devil-worship, deviance, and go-go dancing to fill three such films. The principals are all attractive and frequently naked--Forså in particular does well as the out-of-control innocent Helga--and the bit players in the coven are at least as sexy as any of the stars. And as if the crazy plotting were not enough, the thick German or Scandinavian accents from everyone involved adds another level of madcap unreality--seriously, I'd be shocked if anybody onscreen actually understood a syllable of English; more than once I had to turn the subtitles on just to translate what's meant to be my mother tongue.
Sarno's background in porn is more than apparent here, and while even the uncut version Vampire Ecstasy (accept no subtitutes!) is definitely softcore, it's the kind of softcore that stops *just* short of the line. Lesbianism, incest, bondage, blood--there's something here for just about every pervy taste this side of Slave of the Cannibal God. (And in the name of God and the ASPCA, please stay on *this* side of Slave of the Cannibal God!) However, Sarno's artistic aspirations are in evidence as well, as the director gets many truly beautiful shots and shows off an occasional flair for interesting composition, particularly in the vampire seduction and garlic-cross standoff scenes.
But the real revelation here is Frau Krock, one of my new favorite villainesses of all time. Nadia Henkowa just OWNS the movie; the screen is barely big enough to contain her. Her evil exchanges with her victims and her devilish tempting of Julia are standouts, as are her amazing dance numbers. Stern-beyond-sternness, dominating, and strangely sexy, Henkowa adds a full half-thumb through sheer force of personality.
I *would* make a wish, but it already came true.
OBEY!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Horror Rises from the Tomb (1972): or, How to Get A Head in Life
But Jacinto is not without his dark side, oh no. It's not all tragic curses and noble quests against villainous vampire women and witches. In 1972's Horror Rises from the Tomb, Naschy shows us his dark side and then some, but without sacrificing the outrageousness and fun that are his trademark.
In Horror Rises from the Tomb we witness the origin of Alaric de Marnac: the vile, Satan-worshipping, witchcraft-practicing, blood-drinking, flesh-eating, knight-killing, baby-sacrificing, booty-slapping MACHINE that Naschy created as the dark yin to Waldemar Daninsky's formidable yang. Everything that makes Daninsky so great and tragic--his nobility, his kindness, his emotional depth, his cursed remorse--finds its opposite in de Marnac. In fact the only things de Marnac and Daninsky share is the incredible and irresistible manliness that any character played by Paul Naschy must indeed possess. That, and the fact that the babes just can't stay away.
We open the movie, as we so often do, with a procession of armored knights on horseback, as seen through a close of bushes and tree branches. It is winter, and the plants have lost their leaves, giving us a better view through their barren, bone-like limbs. In the rear of the procession is an ox-drawn cart containing the shackled magnificence of the Nasch. His glower, glare, and maleficent defiance of his captors is chilling, even from our hiding spot in the bushes. It makes the viewer glad he's chained, though still a little nervous, for what shackles could possibly contain such evil?
They're on their way to the Hangin' Tree, where a sentence of death against de Marnac and his partner in crime Mabille is about to be carried out. The reading of the charges is just fantastic, as all those I listed above and more are trotted out--what a laundry-list of crimes!-- while de Marnac sneers pridefully at his "accomplishments." Of course before they get around to carrying out the sentence the foolish kniggits give the unrepentant warlock a chance to spew a vitriolic curse at them, their anscestors, and his own twin brother, who grins down from one of the horses, scarred on one side of his face. This is reminiscent of the brothers from Vengeance of the Zombies, except in this case the scarred one is not the villain (though to be fair, we've nothing to convince us the brother isn't ALSO a bastard). Alas, that's all we'll see of the Marnac twin, as Jacinto probably rightly concluded that 3 Naschys in one film was just too much for the world to bear.
"That's right. I ate a baby. Want to make something of it?"
The whole execution scene is very well-executed (ha!) as de Marnac is beheaded and we get to see a particularly nice head-roll using one of the better prosthetic heads I've seen in movies of this era. Then they strip Mabille buck nekkid and hang her upside down from the tree, tarot-card style, to whip and torture her a bit before her own execution. Of course this allows HER to spew curses for a good five minutes as well. You'd think the inquisitor would say, "Hey! Somebody shut her up, for God's sake!" But they just never learn.
After some great organ music over low-rent opening credits, we flash forward to modern day Paris, or at least stock-footage thereof. In what is undoubtedly the same office used by the doctor in the sequel Panic Beats (watch for a future review!), a painter is working on his latest creation. He is interrupted by a friend, the beefy and swaggering Jacinto Molina himself, who invites him out to drinks. When the arrive at the drinkin' place the painter is reunited with his old flame, and immediately (I mean IMMEDIATELY) tries to suck her ribs up her neck. Get a room, you two! In the intro scene we learn that Paul is a witty but womanizing cad--a really great role for him.
On a lark they go to a seance (always a good idea), where the spirit of Alaric de Marnac is summoned and tells them the location of his and Mabille's tombs on Paul's ancestral estate. Of course that sort of thing can't go uninvestigated, so the friends agree to take a long weekend to check it out.
The seance scene is GREAT, lots of good camera angles and trickery, and some fine acting by the medium and Paul as the spirit of evil. Later, back in his studio, the painter starts working in a hypnotic frenzy, unaware of what he's painting until he stops to see it's a headless body holding the bloody head of de Marnac in its fist. In a truly creepy moment, Alaric appears as a floating head above the painting, dripping blood onto the picture and laughing evilly. Of course the painter dismisses it all as a dream, and tells no one.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
On the road to Paul's estate, the friends are waylaid by highwaymen, naturally.* The painter proves himself useless in a scrap, but Paul kicks enough ass for the both of them. Just as he's got things under control, a mob of villagers shows up and summarily executes one of the robbers with a shotgun! This is really a showstopper sequence, as Paul and Co. negotiate renting a car with the head villager while the rest of the posse goes about getting ready to hang the other robber, and another takes the fallen criminal's ear as a souvenir for his girlfriend! A more sadistic mob you will not see in the annals of cinema.
* (The attack by highwaymen is a recurring motif in Naschy's films, and one wonders whether some event in his past led him to keep revisiting it in film after film. Sadly no mention of it is made in his excellent autobiography, Memoirs of a Wolf Man, leaving Naschy scholars to guess and conjecture.)
From there things play out predictably but satsfyingly. They arrive at the estate and quickly find the remains of de Marnac and Mabille. Just as quickly one of the villagers is enslaved by black magic and brings both evildoers back to life, so they can rise horrifically from the tomb. Another great scene ensues as they take de Marnac's disembodied head and reattach it to his body--a recapitation, if you will--again, with some of the best use of a prosthetic head I've seen, cutting it back and forth with the real head of Naschy almost seamlessly. They sacrifice a Eurobabe to bring Mabille back in a fantastic and chilling ritual, and then Mabille and Alaric go on a romp for 7 full moons, seducing and murdering villagers and being as evil as possible until the painter and Paul discover the amulet of Thor's Hammers (?) that is needed to overcome the black magic of de Marnac. But will they prevail?
I loved this movie, of course. Paul's look is great throughout as de Marnac--very pale skin and dark stylized evil beard, with his crazy eyes workin' overtime. There's plenty of Euroflesh on display too, and one scene where de Marnac disrobes that will have you aghast and Paul's washerboard-style abs, not to mention the Hairy Pecs of Doom. The gore is great as well, with beheadings, lashings, slashings, and more than one chest-ripping heart-extraction. There's even a chilling zombie attack late in the movie, as de Marnac's victims now serve his evil wishes.
"Hi, we're lost. Can you tell us how to get to Manchester?"
There are some great shots as always from director Carlos Aured, including a beautiful death scene with bright red blood flowing down a bank into a running stream. Add some real sadism and preversity going on and it's enough to keep any fan happy.
But what's really great is the way that you're never sure who the protagonist is--for a while it's the painter, then Paul, then the daughter of the caretaker of the estate, then the painter again, until you really don't know who to follow. Several scenes where you are conditioned to expect a rescue (one of the main chicks is captured by the witches and held for quite a while in preparation for a Black Mass), let's just say you don't get what you are led to expect. Evil triumphs when you expect good to intervene, and keeps you guessing as to what exactly will transpire. The disorientation is delicious, and one of the best things about the flick.
Other good things:
Best Use of Nightgown in the Movie: the obligatory nighttime walk through the castle, with see-thru nightie over black undies. Zang!
Undeniable sign you're watching a 70s Euro Horror flick: a grief stricken teen wears a miniskirt to her father's funeral. I LOVE EUROPE!
So another Mmmmmasterpiece from the filmography of Paul Naschy. DeimosDVD has put out a fantastic special edition (with commentary from the Man Himself!), and it should really be on every horror fan's shelf. 6 thumbs, easily. Surrender to de Marnac, and may God have mercy on us all!
Can't sleep. Paul will eat me.
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