My fellow citizens, I bid thee welcome once again! Once more we shall hold hands and skip merrily along down that well-trodden, but oh-so-sublime path to Tromaville. The very air is turgid with excitement! I feel you quiver as a small moan escapes your cracked lips. Fear not! The genius that is Troma welcomes you into its loving embrace with a new Blu-Ray (or Brown-Ray?) release. Oh sure, there might be some toxic waste strewn along the pathway. There might be mutants around every turn. But think of the rewards!
Friends, the Duke of DVD does not mince. Nor does he dice, but that’s another discussion. One can be well-assured that if I like something, and I mean truly worship something, then you can be confident in the fact that this thing, be it a movie or a disused phallus in the shape of a religious icon, is worthy of your attention. Such are Troma movies. They excite, they titillate; they inspire conversation and sometimes retching. They always, however, entertain.
Let us explore, shall we?
Class of Nuke ‘Em High begins, as most all movies should, within the confines of Tromaville, that city unlike any other. It seems the corpulent manager of the local Tromaville nuclear power plant has been lax in keeping up with necessary regulations. This has led to so many gallons of toxic waste seeping into the local environs around the plant that even Haliburton would be ashamed to be associated with it. Then again, perhaps not!
Of course, instead of an endless sprawl of warehouses or a grassy plain, right next door to the nuclear plant is a high school! Tromaville High, no less, filled with a veritable menagerie of nerds, spazes, twerps, geeks, punks, sluts, jocks, wasteoids, potheads, dumbasses, fuckups, and my personal favorite, a Mad-Maxian gang of cretins called The Cretins. In other words, your typical high school. Unfortunately, toxic waste somehow very quickly gets into the water supply, whereupon a geek (or perhaps a nerd?) drinks from it, not noticing the water has turned from clear to green.
Very quickly the nerd starts having such a fit that one would think he was either in the throes of an exorcism, or having his testicles attached to a golf cart battery. He quickly turns violent, choking a passerby before finally running through the classroom to leap to his death from a window. Many bystanders (including Troma great Michael Herz in his only on-screen performance ever, thank you very much IMDB) watch on with horror as the nerd’s flesh melts from his bones.
Soon the media gets wind of this and descends upon the area, harassing the rotund nuclear plant manager, who insists his plant is safe. “I don’t give a wet fart what you think!” he exclaims, much to our delight. You can’t pay for writing like that, folks! (Seriously, I doubt the person who wrote that got paid.) I would be remiss if I didn’t pay fealty to the opening credits, where one can listen with wonder at the awesome Nuke ‘Em High-theme song! I was guffawing mightily!
Back at the school, an enterprising douche has talked his girlfriend into making out whilst at school, in the most logical place possible: the fallout shelter! Due in most part, I’m sure, to the rampant nuclear scare of the 1950s, Nuke ‘Em High has itself a full-blown fallout shelter down in the basement. A more perfect during-school makeout spot I’ve not heard of! He scarcely gets his hand up her shirt before toxic sludge drips down on both of them. She thinks it’s something else--from his pants--and, screaming “EWWWW!”, runs off.
Meanwhile, we have The Cretins. Looking like post-apocalyptic rejects, and with an attitude to boot, they roam the halls, hardly attending classes, and instead run a small extortion effort in-between selling pot. Pot that is grown next door. At the nuclear plant. See where this is going? Before you can stutter out “Hey, who laced my pot with sludge!” The Cretins are selling tainted green. The first fun-stick goes to one of our group of spazoids, who wastes no time in using it as leverage to get all his horny friends to attend a frat party at nearby Troma U.
Now, friends, I’ve been to my share of frat shindigs, hootenannys, and par-tays, but I’ve never seen a frat party like this. It’s a veritable Roman bacchanal! The theme seems to be a beach-esque variant, so everyone is wearing swim suits, or trying to. Several gratuitous titty shots are doled out here from the master’s table, for which we are very thankful. As any devotee of Bacchus knows, nothing makes a party like a little Vitamin M. No sooner has the first top dropped than our intrepid dude pulls out his toxic-laced weed.
It is now time that we should meet the two who are most central to our story: Warren and Chrissy. It seems they’ve been dating, but so far haven’t “sealed the deal,” so to speak. Each one confesses to their friends that they don’t want to rush the other. Inevitably, they are on a collision course. A sexual collision course, fueled by weed. It seems marijuana laced with toxic water produces an aphrodisiac effect not unlike the Duke himself disrobing in front of you. Trust me, it would drive any person of either sex wild with unquenchable lust.
Before you can say “My GOD, those are puffy nipples!”, the two are going at it like shorn monks, upstairs on the bed used to hold people’s coats. Did I mention “puffy nipples”? Chrissy has teats that look like they’ve been hooked up to a milking machine which ran on full blast for a week. Very off-putting, but that’s the Duke’s personal tastes. Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, rutting youngsters! Their friends happen upon them during coitus, but all they do is watch, instead of joining in like any sane people. We get a hilarious sight-gag here, though, as one of the nerds pulls out some binoculars to watch the festivities, binoculars complete with bugged-out eyes attached to them. If that isn’t funny, then why did I chortle?
The two love birds head home, to their respective beds, whereupon they have terrible, toxic-wasted-fueled dreams! Warren sees his dong grow to gargantuan proportions, and Chrissy sees her belly swell as if with child. Sadly, each was only a dream. Meanwhile, The Cretins are busy once again. The lead Cretin seduces the German teacher in a hilarious scene, and she quickly joins the group, which consists of a dude with his face painted gray and two teeth protectors in his mouth at all times, another dude who dresses like a preppie except for black lipstick and somehow also has perky breasts (this is never explained, but it doesn’t have to be, it’s awesome!), and several women in various states of Cyndi-Lauper-esque dress.
The Cretin leader and one of his lackeys hatch a devious plan to steal an old lady’s purse. Instead of simply snatching it, or holding her up at knife-point, they use a brilliant scheme in which one of them ingests Alka-Seltzer to make himself foam at the mouth, which his friend claims is an epileptic seizure. He asks the old lady to quickly give her pocketbook over to put in his friend’s mouth so he don’t bite his own tongue off. GENIUS! She hands over her whole purse, and the punk runs off laughing with it. Not to be outdone, the other stands up and repeatedly punches the old lady, so much so that his friend has to return and pull him off her. Why didn’t they just do this to begin with? That wasn’t in the plan, that’s why!
Not soon thereafter, Warren shows up in the alley where the Cretins are hanging, and basically Hulks-out on them, throwing them around like rag dolls, for his is in the grips of the toxic poisoning. Meanwhile, Chrissy is having her own side effects, namely pregnancy. Only, instead of a “normal” birth, she pukes up a toxic sperm out of her mouth, into the toilet at school! Still feeling sick, she is rushed to the hospital, where her mother arrives. The doctor informs Chrissy’s mother that she has miscarried. Her mother screams, causing a doctor walking behind them to jump, tossing a full bottle of urine sample into the face of another doctor nearby!
Warren finally gets Chrissy while the monster rampages through the school, killing Cretins left and right, including the leader. It isn’t done with Warren and Chrissy, however, and corners them in the school chemistry lab. Lucky for them, the lab is equipped with a high-powered laser! Warren picks up the laser and shoots the monster with it, causing it to become unstable somehow. The pair leap free of the building as the monster explodes, detonating the entire school in a huge explosion!
Warren and Chrissy are safe, but as the camera slowly pans over the wreckage of the school, another sludge toxic sperm baby leaps up! The End!
Friends, this movie was a blast from start to finish. It was hilarious, with the typical aplomb of a Lloyd Kaufman movie. It seems that Richard W. Haines, a longtime Troma editor, was supposed to direct this himself, and indeed he is credited for it, but the job proved too much for him and the man we all know and love as Troma’s brainiac, Lloyd Kaufman, was brought in to finish the work, and it really shows. The humor throughout is expertly written and the effects, while minor, work very well.
The blu-ray edition is a gem. The picture quality is quite impressive for a movie from 1986, and the disc is loaded with extra features as well. Throw in a kick ass menu screen designed to look like a scientific measuring device, and you got a swell package. I give this movie a well-deserved 3 Thumbs Up. If you enjoy good movies, and are in any way a fan of toxic sperm babies, then you owe it to yourself to pick this one up!
"Th-th-th-that's all, Fuckers!"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
BLU-RAY REVIEW: Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
DVD Reviews: DARK NATURE (2009) and PEP SQUAD (1998)
Troma Team DVD's two latest releases, Marc de Launay's Dark Nature and Steve Balderson's Pep Squad, are a study in contrasts. One is an understated, deliberately paced thriller that has garnered some critical acclaim in European film festivals. The other is an over-the-top high school satire featuring an assassin prom queen and a kidnapping gone awry. Unfortunately neither is quite as successful as it might have been, but likewise neither is entirely without merit or promise.
Dark Nature opens up with an unexplained killing at a country estate, where a sweet-looking old lady is bludgeoned to death with a typewriter by her slightly less-sweet-looking husband. As the hubby goes about cleaning up the mess he made on the rug, he in turn is stabbed to death by an unseen assailant. If you're waiting for context or explanation, you might want to go grab a beer--it's going to be a while.
Next we find join a stock dysfunctional family on their way for a weekend in the country at the same estate. We have Mom, Precocious Young Son, Unassertive Stepdad, and of course Surly Teenage Girl, who would rather listen to her iPod and make inappropriate overtures to the curator of the John Paul Jones museum than spend quality time with Mom and New Dad. Waiting for them at the house are Slutty Sis and her Ambiguously Oriented Male Companion, who are concerned about the missing parents, but not overmuch. Rounding out the crew is the Peeping Tom Birdwatcher and the Skinny Pale Groundskeeper, who totes around a suspiciously weighted canvas sack and mumbles to himself a lot.
Eventually People Start Dying, there's some cryptic talk about Family and how the Skinny Pale Groundskeeper loved the Murdered Old Lady, and a Shock Ending that one can only assume is supposed to explain the film's title.
In his commentary on the Dark Nature dvd, director Marc de Launay talks a lot about he and his collaborators were interested in "subverting viewer expectations," which apparently means keeping the body count low, keeping most of the murders offscreen, and having the killer actually BE the person who is the obvious (and almost ONLY) suspect. There are a couple of gore shots--one fairly good one in which Unassertive Stepdad gets his head caught in a bear trap (though the set-up for this is beyond ridiculous)--but also some pretty atrocious CG gore (a knife that exits the chest at a completely different angle than it enters the back) that seems unnecessary, especially since there were prosthetics built for the aftermath shots anyway.
There are a couple of positives to take away, however: the high-def cinematography throughout is excellent, and justly won some laurels at HDFest 2009. Surly Teenage Girl (character name Chloe) is played with a believable bad attitude by Imogen Toner, and Obvious Killer Niall Greig Fulton is good in his villain role. And in the one effective subversion of expectations in the film, de Launay gets around the cliche "cell phone loses reception" trope rather ingeniously: the victims' phones work flawlessly, with 5-bar reception--but since the country house is miles from nowhere, it will take the police an hour to reach them! It's elegant in its simplicity, and could be used to build suspense by putting a time limit on the villains machinations (but isn't). I'm surprised more scriptwriters haven't thought of this, so kudos are due for that.
Where Dark Nature lacks a sense of humor entirely (or else has one so dry as to be undetectable), Steve Balderson's 1998 effort Pep Squad rather shoots for that over-the-top, broad comedy vibe that Lloyd Kaufman and his Tromites have refined to an art form all its own. Introverted but attractive high school senior Beth, whose OCD Mom and Distant Dad are getting a divorce, finds herself embroiled in the wicked machinations of high school politics when her new BFFs, school paper editor Julie and student body president Scott, get on the shit lists of two separate Keerazy Bitches who both want to be homecoming queen. One is Terra, a self-involved, John Waters-esque character with a bottle tan and penchant for stalking anyone she thinks has wronged her, and the other is Cherry, who favors Ilsa Boots and deals with disrespect via kung-fu kicks and vehicular homicide. As with the Troma films it tries so hard to emulate, Pep Squad is full of eccentric characters and seedy subplots. There's a Drunken Cheerleader-Nympho, a Creepy Goth Girl (character name: "Suicide Chick"), a Perverted Principal, and a couple of silent nerds who bear the brunt of everyone's wrath. Perverted Principal tries to molest Beth, which leads her to knock him unconscious, which leads Julie and Scott to kidnap him as part of Julie's ill-defined Che Guevara-like scheme to "change things" at the school, which leads to Julie shooting the Principal and having to call in Cherry for help disposing of the body, which Terra sees and uses to blackmail Scott to make her the Prom Queen. Along the way Cherry murders a few of the Prom Queen Competitors, kidnaps the new Sassy Black Woman Principal, and busts up the prom in order to grab the crown.
It all sounds deliriously entertaining, but somehow it's not as much fun as you'd think. Part of the problem is the script's attempt to portray Beth, Scott, and Cherry as outcasts in the high school social scene, which anyone who's been to high school can tell you doesn't' jibe with the whole Editor/Student Body President/Gorgeous Rich Girl set-up. Also, much of the humor falls flat, partly due to the amateur acting, but mostly due to the script. Though if you think there's something inherently hilarious in a blonde-fro'ed Goth girl scratching obsessively through all the pics in her yearbook, "America the Beautiful" playing over a nearly nudity-free sex scene, or a high school party featuring a Siouxsie Sioux lookalike in a wading pool while musclebound slaveboy's drink her bathwater, well, there's something here for you.
The biggest problem, though--and it's a common one in films like this, in my experience--is the unwillingness of Balderson and crew to GO THERE. Though it clearly aims at John Waters/Lloyd Kaufman territory, the film has little of the nudity, gore, or even outre ideas that makes those other movies sizzle. Of course since it was lensed in Kansas with largely local talent, this is perhaps unsurprising, but it still doesn't help matters. However, they *did* manage to film a climax with Cherry in her dominatrix boots and prom crown standing in front of a blazing American flag, so that's something, anyway. And Brooke Balderson as Cherry and Amy Kelly as Terra are standouts in an otherwise unremarkable cast.
Troma Team DVD is to be lauded for giving indie filmmakers a shot, and both de Launay and Balderson show promise, even if it's not fully realized in these examples. Both dvds have some nice extras--commentary, behind the scenes vignettes, and of course the usual Tromatic Trailers--which is a much nicer presentation than they'd be likely to get anywhere else. While the movies weren't entirely to my liking, I wouldn't be uninterested in seeing where either filmmaker goes from here.
Friday, June 12, 2009
High School Horrors!
As those of you following the Twitter of VHS already know, tonight your ever-lovin' Vicar is taking a trip 20 years back in time, and this time it's not in the form of a candy-colored goretastic mad movie from the 80s. No, what I have on tap tonight is even more terrifying, even more horrible, than anything Brian Yuzna and Stuart Gordon ever concocted:
The Vicar's 20-Year High School Reunion.
To be fair, my high school years were not all that bad--discounting 10th grade, which was abominable. But like everyone I've got my horror stories from that formative time, from fashion faux pas to stupid things said in class to all the girls who rejected my clumsy teen-aged advances (many of whom will be in attendance tonight). Good times?
Anyway, in order to steel myself for tonight's festivities, I'm drawing strength from my memories of a few classic high school horrors, thoughts of which will hopefully provide the inner fortitude I need to make it through. Well, them and the cash bar. Bear in mind this is not a "Top 5," but merely a handful of flicks that occur to me as I get ready to revisit this glorious and painful time of my life.
You want to help a Vicar out? In the comments, please share your favorite high school horrors! And should you feel the urge to confess some of the terrifying tribulations *you* endured during your high school years, that's encouraged too. The worse you had it, the better I'll feel.
Student Bodies (1981)
Though I was still 8 years away from graduation when this movie hit theaters, I remember watching it again and again on cable and VHS back in the day. An Airplane!-influenced spoof of the slasher genre when the tropes themselves were still in their infancy, this never failed to make the Young Vicar and his seminary mates giggle with glee. The Breather may not have had the marketable costume of the Ghostface Killer, but he was a hell of a lot funnier. Death by horsehead bookends, a fly being added to the ongoing, on-screen body count, and the mysteriously hilarious entity known only as The Stick playing Malvert the Mentally Challenged Janitor, all combine to make this a movie I need to revisit.
The Redeemer, aka Class Reunion Massacre (1971)
I found this one at a used VHS store a couple years back, and was surprised by how out-there it was. A group of students making preparations for their 10-year class reunion run afoul of an evil spirit that haunts the hallowed halls of their institution of learning, with borderline surreal and over-the-border MAD results. A full-sized football player mannequin, a doomsaying preacher bent on purifying the graduates of sin via extreme bloodletting, and a strange 3-fingered child rising from a nearby pond are only scratching the surface.
Slaughter High (1986)
A group of the popular kids who maimed a nerdly classmate find their bad deeds coming home to roost when a killer starts offing them at their reunion. Any similarity between this plot and actual events, past or present or future, is purely coincidental.
Class of Nuke 'Em High (1986)
One of Troma's earliest and still best efforts--if such a tag can be applied to Troma's gleefully and unapologetically tasteless output--this one is like Class of 1984 with all the seriousness excised, the dystopian elements played for laughs, and radioactive mutants added for spice. Goopy dayglo FX and people trying way too hard to offend you (and succeeding) make this the most realistic portrayal of the American 80s high school experience ever filmed.
Carrie (1976)
This movie is required by statute to be at the top of every high-school horrors list, but there's probably a reason for that. From a novel by Stephen King before he stopped editing himself, the story is tight and effective, and really captures the vulnerability and pain of a high school misfit repeatedly getting punished for her attempts to fit in. Sissy Spacek completely owns the title role, making her the prototype of pubescent psychokinetic sexually-repressed weirdos for decades to come. And if you never wanted to see a school dance go up in flames, your high school experience must have been happier than most. The director's not bad either.
Okay kids, your turn! CONFESS!
Posts
