Friday, June 6, 2008

Malabimba, The Malicious Whore (1979): or, Malabimba, THE MALICIOUS WHORE!


As some of you may already be aware, the Vicar and I generally avoid Serbia after that infamous unpleasantness surrounding the Festival of Dїҝ. (How were we supposed to know that the stable of virgins was reserved for His Royal Highness? Still, you can't un-ring a bell or un-deflower a Serb.) So it was with much trepidation that I set foot once more on the southern part of the Pannonian Plain. Knowing that certain cantrips would protect me from all but the most powerful of scrying, I rented a calash to carry me and my trusted servant Ao further into the dark country.

You see, I had received a missive, scrawled upon stretched doeskin in the language of the Zachlumia, urging me to visit an old acquaintance of mine, a druid named Rascian. The letter was short but it mentioned his failing health and a gift he wished to bestow upon me, which piqued my curiosity as you can imagine. I knew him to be in possession of a great many wonderments; my mind spun at the possibilities.

Further we drove, the very air getting thicker by the minute. Loud rumblings within the dark woods suggested we had crossed an invisible plane over into that realm which few mortals dare to tread. I kept my attention on the road before us as hulking shapes, glimpsed from the corner of the eye, moved within the shadows of the twisted, blackened trees. To gaze upon them would surely have meant madness and eventual death, even for one so traveled as I. My servant Ao had no problem, his eyes having been removed by a Rosicrucian priest at birth.

After several hours, a dim light appeared ahead. Slowing the coach, we stopped in front of a gate made of red stone. We walked through and approached a small hut. Twin guardians sat to either side of the flap. I will not describe them here, but suffice it to say that I know their true names, and this singular fact was the only thing that allowed us passage.

Inside, the cold was nigh unbearable. I pulled my albino ermine coat around me closer. Before us lay a bier constructed of human bones, lashed together with sinew. The figure lying upon it was covered in a rotted bear skin, his ragged breath coming slower and slower by the second. He raised a palsied hand, beckoning me closer. I knelt as he silently reached under the bear skin and brought forth an object I had thought would elude my eyes forever. A prize I whisked away after performing various profane rituals over Rascian’s now-dead body.

Should have taken a left at St. Alban de Kwierkay


I speak, of course, about the ominous gift of: Malabimba, the Malicious Whore. As most of you know, when it comes to nunsploitation, the Italians have us beat. Sure, we split the atom and took men to the moon, but these achievements pale in comparison to the cornucopia of profane nun flicks coming from The Boot of the Mediterranean. For proof, look no further than Malabimba, the Malicious Whore. Oh yes, she is very, very malicious, and so very much a whore! But not right away, oh no. You gotta have a nice dose of Satan in there for such delights to happen. But the horned one is definitely in the house.

Our movie opens on an idyllic countryside surrounding a castle. As night falls we are shown a room in which a séance is taking place. A medium is guiding two men and two women through an attempted contacting of spirits. Unfortunately for them (and fortunately for us), the spirit who responds loves corrupting teenage girls and hot nuns! To start things off the spirit unzips a guy’s pants and jerks one of the women’s top down. Luckily it is the leggy blonde, and not the old grandma. The medium is having none of this and casts the spirit out.

Down the halls of the castle it flies, straight into Sister Sofia’s room! Now we’re getting somewhere! Her horror quickly turns to lust as she writhes in ecstasy in the corner of her room. A quick hand down her underwear and we’re cooking with gas now folks! However, the good Sister is able to resist, somehow, and casts the demon out once again. Naturally it’s quite pissed as it flies down the hall and into Bimba’s room. Finally, in the body of this 16 year old, the demon has found its home, and we the viewers are introduced to Malabimba, the Malicious Whore!

Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, wastes little time in getting malicious, that’s for sure. First we are introduced to the other inhabitants of the castle, most of whom were séance participants. We have Malabimba the Malicious Whore’s dad, who is a widower. We also have his brother Adolfo, who is a quadriplegic, and his hawt blond wife, whose talents we’ve already glimpsed at the séance. The dad and cripple's mother is also there, along with another douche of a guy who I assumed was a 3rd brother (the movie isn’t clear on this).

Very quickly we see that the hot blonde is after Malabimba the Malicious Whore’s dad, who is in control of the family castle. All of this serves only to get the slutty blonde naked as much as possible, which is not a bad thing, particularly if you like untamed Italian bush and hanging dirty pillows with nipples the size of dinner plates. After a scene in which the blond tries to seduce daddy, we are treated to the family supper, where we meet Adolfo as he’s spoon-fed by Sister Sofia. Everyone is having a nice supper when suddenly Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, starts spouting obscenities left and right and grabs the waiter’s crotch! Her dad slaps her and sends her to her room, which is what you do when someone exhibits such malicious, whore-like behavior.

"What's this? I ordered the foot-long!"

Sister Sofia goes upstairs to check on Malabimba, the Malicious Whore. As she’s sitting by the bed, Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, grabs the Sister’s breast and growls like a dog! She obviously wants something… I’m guessing a bone. Horrified, the Sister flees.

Meanwhile, the cougar is on the prowl for daddy once again. This time she accosts him in his room, showing a bit of leg and then finally going for broke and baring her jubblies. Unbeknownst to them, Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, is watching from a nearby window, wearing a see-through nighty that has to be seen (through) to be believed. Seriously, this garment was forged by Lucifer himself on an altar of evil, and we should all praise him for it.

Malabimba the Malicious Whore’s dad is an oak, however, and doesn’t succumb to temptation. Rebuffed, the cougar returns to her lair, where she encounters brother #3, who slaps her around like the filthy whore that she is, and takes her from behind on a bearskin rug! (Reminding me of the Vicar’s last backyard BBQ.) We are treated to some stunt-cooch for the full penetration scene, complete with hairy Italian balls. In fact, I saw more bush in this movie than my last trip to the Royal Botanical Gardens, and much less carefully trimmed. Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, watches this as well, and gets all randy before being rudely interrupted by Sister Sofia, who was apparently out for a midnight constitutional.

Unmalicious, but still a whore

Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, runs off to her room, still horny from all this voyeurism--so naturally she begins masturbating with a stuffed bear! Yes, Fozzie gets a ride on the Magic Italian Carpet--which obviously would have been the only possible BETTER title for this movie than the one it has. This scene, which is quite possibly the single best scene committed to film in history, goes on and on. But apparently Fozzie didn’t provide enough lovin’, as Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, jumps up off the bed, grabs a dagger, and repeatedly stabs her faithful stuffed animal! How very malicious!

The next day daddy has a fancy dinner party, complete with stuffy old women wearing too much make-up, and guys with names like Percy “Hamfister” Periwinkle IV, Esquire. Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, crashes the party by climbing up on the hearth and lifting her dress all the way up to her neck, then bidding the party goers to sample her goods! Finally alarmed at his daughter’s behavior, daddy calls in a doctor. After hearing of Malabimba the Malicious Whore’s exploits, the good doctor offers his professional diagnosis: puberty. Yep, puberty will cause young teens to stab stuffed animals after fornicating with them and also to fondle nuns. Sadly, I only experienced half of that in my tender youth.

Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, pleasures herself again (this time sans toy) and then goes on her ritual nocturnal exploration and peeping. This time the cougar catches her prey, as we watch the blonde finally talk daddy into boning her. Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, obviously turned on by this display, goes hunting on her own, and creeps into poor crippled Adolfo’s room! Despite his paralysis, Adolfo's hog apparently still works, for after giving him a strip tease, Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, works his knob like a turkey leg! Sadly this proves fatal for poor Adolfo, whose heart just can’t take it. Actually, this isn’t sad at all--I, too, wish to depart this earth via a good teen nympho slobber-fest!

Adolfo’s death hits the family hard. No one knows quite what to do about Malabimba, the Malicious Whore. Finally Sister Sofia intervenes, declaring that all Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, needs is good ol’ fashioned Jesus. Hallelujah! Cut to Malabimba the Malicious Whore’s room and we are treated to what could possibly be simultaneously the most revolting and awesome scene in cinema: Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, is 69’ing a stuffed Santa doll! Chris Cringle’s hat is working the little man in the boat! Old St. Nick is face down, beard-deep in malicious teen cooter!

Sister Sofia interrupts, sadly, but we aren’t sad for long because the moment we’ve been waiting for all movie long is about to happen! The demon begins speaking through Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, informing the good Sister that the only way to save the girl is to accept the demon into herself instead, which apparently is what the demon wanted all along. (I must say I agree. Teens are nice, but nuns…. Now that’s a’ spicy meat’a’ball!).

YES!!!

Knowing she has no choice, the Sister relents, thus kicking off the now newly-minted Greatest Scene in Cinema History. Forget Gone With The Wind, forget Ben Hur, never mind Citizen Kane--this right here folks is what it’s all about: a demon-possessed teen nympho munching on nun-flavored Italian taco! The demon has won the day! We cut to an outdoor scene in which Bimba, fresh as a daisy, hugs her dad in the garden as the now-possessed Sister Sofia watches from the ramparts. Knowing she has no other choice, she leaps to her death as Bimba and her dad watch in horror. One bounce off the wall and she’s dead, Bimba crouches over her and… cue credits.

I was sad that there wasn’t a small part here where we see a deadly glint in Bimba’s eyes, but no, we are left wanting… but not really, having been fulfilled by so many dark delights already! Malabimba, the Malicious Whore, represents the finest of Italian nunsploitation films. It has bits to tantalize even the most jaded among us. We have very little downtime between naughty scenes, which then seem to go on forever. I can think of no other way to end this review than to simply say this: If you consider yourself a nunsploitation fan, you must own this film.

Three+ thumbs up.

Boner Bear, aka "Teddy Fuck-spin"



4 comments:

Karswell said...

Not sure I've ever seen this with the hardcore scenes intacto, but yeah, a true classic even in edited form. With all your references to food in this review I was waiting for something like, "Mmmmmmmmalicious..." she said, as she lifted her face from out of the delicious wild boosh.

Tenebrous Kate said...

Dear Duke, this has been sitting on the Tenebrous Shelf of Unwatched DVDs for over a month now. Thanks to your review, I think I shall dust this off for a viewing sooner rather than later! Sounds as if it holds the promise of some rather breathtaking kink, and since you have deemed not one but *two* of the scenes among the finest committed to film--well, who am I to argue with DVD royalty? Great stuff, sir--great stuff indeed.

The Headless Werewolf said...

It's nice to see that I'm not alone in appreciating this sleazy gem. Severin released this at the same time as they released a DVD of its remake, SATAN'S BABY DOLL, which is not nearly as much fun but has terrific cover art.

The Vicar of VHS said...

Hey, Headless Werewolf, thanks for stopping by! I reviewed Satan's Baby Doll a couple months back and as you say it totally fails to live up to that cover art. Still, they had to be mad to try to improve on Malabimba. :)

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