tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40324508462399383322024-03-13T16:38:59.579-05:00Mad Mad Mad Mad MoviesBad is Good. Trash is Treasure. Movies are Magic.The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.comBlogger488125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-45886478553440969742015-03-30T06:00:00.000-05:002015-03-30T10:54:45.745-05:00Super Xuxa versus Satan (1988): or, Brazilian Wacks<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VE1H12S5hyc/VRcWb2F7zNI/AAAAAAAAHSg/Ot2qe4bW4uY/s1600/super_xuxa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VE1H12S5hyc/VRcWb2F7zNI/AAAAAAAAHSg/Ot2qe4bW4uY/s1600/super_xuxa.jpg" height="320" width="224" /></a>
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Friends, there have been dark days at the Vicarage. For the last two years and change, your ever-lovin' <span style="color: yellow;">Vicar</span> has found himself stuck deep in the Slough of Despond, without the energy or inspiration to so much as lift a quill. Bereft of inspiration, deserted by my Muse, and still heartbroken at the untimely loss of <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/search/label/Paul%20Naschy">one of the last century's greatest talents</a>, the ink had all but dried up in my disused pen. I found the weird movies I watched drained of their color, their madness impotent to lift my soul from the sprawling shadow Silence that had enveloped it. It was, to put it mildly, a very <span style="color: #9fc5e8;">"down"</span> mood.</div>
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But then, when I had all but resigned myself to never preaching the gospel of <span style="color: red;">Mad Movies</span> again, a figure appeared as though in a dream: clad in <span style="color: magenta;">heeled white boots</span>, <span style="color: lime;">a white pleather bikers' jacket and hot pants</span>, <span style="color: #ea9999;">a shining headband and a form-fitting rainbow-print tee</span>, this angel descended on a wave of sunshine and 80s South American bubble-gum pop. She sang to me in a language I couldn't understand, but her words drizzled like warm honey of the flavorless Eggo™ of my soul, filling it with a sweetness whose taste I'd nearly forgotten. Taking my gnarled, withered hand in hers, she lifted me up and showed me something that put the joy back into my heart, the spring back in my step, and the starch back in my cassock:<br />
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What she showed me was <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096194/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1"><i>Super Xuxa versus Satan</i></a> (aka <i>Super Xuxa contra Baixo Astral</i>), a 1988 kids' movie from Brazil with more positivity, puppetry, and family-friendly batshittery than you can shake an inappropriately designed Muppet at. And that, my friends, is quite a lot.<br />
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Trust me. I know.<br />
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<a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2015/03/super-xuxa-versus-satan-1988-or.html">MORE MADNESS...</a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Get ready to get happy</b></span></td></tr>
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The scene is a Brazilian urban center--possibly Sao Paulo, possibly Rio, possibly a backlot standing in for either--where hordes of unsupervised children roam the streets, looking for Coca-Cola, stale cookies, and walls to cover with graffiti. With crime, poverty, and parental disinterest at all-time highs, the children are starved not only for snack foods but for anything positive to latch onto in their (presumably) crushingly depressing lives.<br />
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Fortunately the children have a savior in <b>Xuxa </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0579430/?ref_=tt_cl_t1" itemprop="url"><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Xuxa Meneghel</span></a>), a model-turned-pop star and children's show host.<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">*</span> </b></span>Patrolling the streets on her shining white motorbike, Xuxa is an endless source of cheerfulness and positivity--think Mr. Rogers, but with slightly better skin and a penchant for hot pants. Accompanied by her talking dog <b>Xuxo</b>--who, it should be noted, is apparently an off-the-rack at Toys 'R Us hand puppet--Xuxa distributes paints and brushes to the urchins of the streets, encouraging them to replace their graffiti with beautiful, life-affirming murals, on the theory that beauty makes people happy, and happy people make a better world. Also, all those swastikas and cock portraits that currently grace the neighborhood walls are starting to affect property values.<br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">*Her television show, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xou_da_Xuxa">Xou da Xuxa</a>, was so wildly popular that CBS, looking to serve that sweet South American/American market, gave her an English language show, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xuxa_%28TV_series%29">Xuxa</a>, in 1994. While not quite as popular, it did run for 2 seasons.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Puce, for example, contains the power of necromancy</b></span></td></tr>
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Of course you don't go around putting joy in children's hearts without making a few enemies. Deep in the bowels of the city sewers, there dwells an eeevil underlord who feeds on the unhappiness, misery, and despair of the populace above. This is <b>Baixo Astral</b> (played with demented glee by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0438836/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t22" itemprop="url"><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Guilherme Karan</span></a>), who sadly is <i>not </i>the Dark Lord of the Fallen, despite the movie's misleading English title. His name actually translates to<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"> "The Down Mood," </span>according to the subtitles, but he might well be a devil for all his <span style="color: red;">fearsome looks</span> and<span style="color: lime;"> seemingly supernatural powers. </span>With his <span style="color: magenta;">pale skin, bad teeth, zombie eyes, dark clothes, and buttock-covering pants</span>, he's pretty much the opposite of everything Xuxa stands for.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4OKlll5ESZI/VRcraIPT4BI/AAAAAAAAHTY/OM74oPTONZ0/s1600/screengrab-00039.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4OKlll5ESZI/VRcraIPT4BI/AAAAAAAAHTY/OM74oPTONZ0/s1600/screengrab-00039.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"...as long as you warn me before...well, you know."</b></span></td></tr>
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Fearing that Xuxa's hotness and positivity will slow down the inevitable destruction of the planet, Down Mood sends his henchmen and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rejects <b>Titica </b>and <b>Morcegão</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0655201/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t31" itemprop="url"><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Paolo Pacelli</span></a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1411224/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t16" itemprop="url"><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Roberto Guimarães</span></a>) to hit her where it hurts--right in the puppies. The two teleport up to Xuxa's apartment and kidnap Xuxo, hoping to drive her to despair and thus undo all the good she's done for the city's children. And it looks like it might work, too--until, taking the advice of her <span style="color: red;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">living, sentient bed</span></i></span> (<span style="color: magenta;">?</span>), Xuxa takes a nap and dreams of how to get to the Down Mood's domain--which involves<span style="color: lime;"> getting sucked through the TV Poltergeist-style</span> in what is actually a pretty well done, nearly frightening sequence.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"I'm heeeeere..."</b></span></td></tr>
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It's at this point that the movie really takes off, as our heroine finds herself in a low-rent <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091369/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1"><i>Labyrinth</i></a> world where she must find her way to Down Mood's lair by completing a series of challenges/musical numbers. In the most direct rip-off of Jim Henson's classic, she first finds herself in front of the <span style="color: lime;">Wall of Illusions</span>, a seemingly infinite barrier with no way through. She is befriended by a gypsy caterpillar named <b>Xixa </b>(voiced by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1423015/?ref_=ttfc_fc_cl_t28" itemprop="url"><span class="itemprop" itemprop="name">Katia Moraes</span></a>), who helps her solve the mystery through the power of <span style="color: yellow;">imagination and pop-and-lock dancing</span>. Xixa then accompanies Xuxa on her quest to find Xuxo, which is probably the most x's I've used in a sentence since I wrote my expose on ex-existentialist expatriate exiles in Xinxiang.<br />
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Oh, and remember that little quip earlier about inappropriately designed Muppets?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L-S_jzy5yX8/VRcwLPpTupI/AAAAAAAAHTw/AvgbanUerVc/s1600/screengrab-00070.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-L-S_jzy5yX8/VRcwLPpTupI/AAAAAAAAHTw/AvgbanUerVc/s1600/screengrab-00070.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>How about girth, then?</b></span></td></tr>
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I freely admit I probably have a dirtier mind than your average kids' movie watcher, but I defy you to <span style="color: lime;">watch Xixa's tail squirm and writhe in and out of its hole</span> and tell me somebody didn't do this on purpose. It's like the old saying goes--if it looks like a phallus, it throbs like a phallus, and <span style="color: red;">it squirts drops of fluid out its end like a phallus</span>--<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mj-MG2ejCAU/VRcxdf-RWNI/AAAAAAAAHT8/Gvt-l7qG5UQ/s1600/screengrab-00076.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mj-MG2ejCAU/VRcxdf-RWNI/AAAAAAAAHT8/Gvt-l7qG5UQ/s1600/screengrab-00076.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>*Ping!*</b></span></td></tr>
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--chances are, it's a cock.<br />
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Xuxa and Xixa meet many other strange creatures on their adventure, including but not limited to:<br />
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<ul>
<li>A group of desert-dwelling, tree-planting <span style="color: lime;"><i>Ghoulies</i></span></li>
</ul>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gvjb4mbGKqU/VRczGd7e0lI/AAAAAAAAHUI/k9GxsLKW8Fk/s1600/screengrab-00096.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gvjb4mbGKqU/VRczGd7e0lI/AAAAAAAAHUI/k9GxsLKW8Fk/s1600/screengrab-00096.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Visit Beautiful <a href="http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Planet_Koozebane">Koozebane</a></b></span></td></tr>
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<ul>
<li>The world's most depressing river dolphin</li>
</ul>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XQS_-T_fx_E/VRczNNEnUJI/AAAAAAAAHUQ/T7LQs9oWnTY/s1600/screengrab-00098.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-XQS_-T_fx_E/VRczNNEnUJI/AAAAAAAAHUQ/T7LQs9oWnTY/s1600/screengrab-00098.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"That's terrible! Um...exactly how much are we talking here?"</b></span></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>A flock of spandex-clad bird people</li>
</ul>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1woNWdqb4A0/VRczYJhETOI/AAAAAAAAHUk/0oAIB8f5rF4/s1600/screengrab-00132.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1woNWdqb4A0/VRczYJhETOI/AAAAAAAAHUk/0oAIB8f5rF4/s1600/screengrab-00132.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"We prefer to be called 'Featheries.' "</b></span></td></tr>
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<ul>
<li>Friendly, singing piranhas</li>
</ul>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7E-IBY8dxg/VRczYJNWiMI/AAAAAAAAHUg/aSTcNPPqmVY/s1600/screengrab-00100.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y7E-IBY8dxg/VRczYJNWiMI/AAAAAAAAHUg/aSTcNPPqmVY/s1600/screengrab-00100.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"...is food."</b></span></td></tr>
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<ul>
<li>And a tortoise who has a very interesting way with words</li>
</ul>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SZItIU2x0J4/VRczYEacq4I/AAAAAAAAHUc/1Igr71P2qC0/s1600/screengrab-00111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SZItIU2x0J4/VRczYEacq4I/AAAAAAAAHUc/1Igr71P2qC0/s1600/screengrab-00111.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Loggerhead</b></span></td></tr>
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After reaching the mythical <span style="color: yellow;">Higher Ground</span> and performing a show-stopping dance around a <span style="color: lime;">New Age Crystal God, </span>attended by a group of sentient orchids who look strikingly like<span style="color: #f4cccc;"><b> singing vaginas</b></span>, Xuxa finally makes it to the Down Mood's trash-strewn lair. There she must make it through Morcegão's bureaucracy and bondage room and brave Titica's slobber spray before finally battling the Big Bad himself for her puppet puppy's freedom. Can cheerfulness and optimism win over manic depressive might? Will Xixa ever get her wings? Can we count on<span style="color: red;"> one more earworm musical number with plentiful Xuxa butt-shaking</span> before the end credits roll?<br />
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Spoilers: yup.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b3lsBXMK43U/VRc5MYZ6mxI/AAAAAAAAHU4/Y1x4nIMm0Ow/s1600/screengrab-00181.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b3lsBXMK43U/VRc5MYZ6mxI/AAAAAAAAHU4/Y1x4nIMm0Ow/s1600/screengrab-00181.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Xuxa: Britney Spears Version</b></span></td></tr>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Super Xuxa versus Satan</i> is a very special movie, in both the positive and shortbus connotations of the term. It's stupid and weird and sometimes completely insane, but there's a certain naive charm to the whole thing that I found difficult to resist. Whether because of the inappropriate-for-its-stated-audience sexuality (in the form of anatomically questionable puppets and Xuxa's tendency to show off her hot pants and unapologetically splay herself), its off-the-wall fantasy ideas, its potty humor (at one point Xuxo distracts Down Mood by pissing mightily on his leg), or the toying-with-social-criticism song lyrics (<span style="color: #9fc5e8;">"I want to know/ why so many child in need of help/ and there's nobody to help them? /I want to know /why so much is planted, and there's so little money for feeding? / I want to know!"</span>), I was thoroughly entertained throughout, and yes, even uplifted. When I think that the same country produced both the films of Coffin Joe and this wonderful slice of kids' movie madness, all I can say is, <span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><b>"Gracias, Brasil!"</b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">2.75 Thumbs.</span></b></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mCT1zPfL33M/VRdSHwBiXUI/AAAAAAAAHXQ/xYwZaug-MoE/s1600/screengrab-00144.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mCT1zPfL33M/VRdSHwBiXUI/AAAAAAAAHXQ/xYwZaug-MoE/s1600/screengrab-00144.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Ta-da!</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><br /></span>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Nota bene: If you would like to experience the mmmmmadness of this movie, you're a lucky, lucky mad movie fiend--you can watch the whole thing on YouTube right now! If you're feeling sad and blue,</span> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gf00v7Yb2lQ">click on this link posthaste</a>. <span style="color: #9fc5e8;">Thank me later.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #9fc5e8;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Enjoy some more images from Super Xuxa versus Satan (1988)!</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8dsWJk88Z08/VRcjoy5SsQI/AAAAAAAAHS8/4DwcK3_8DVY/s1600/screengrab-00017.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8dsWJk88Z08/VRcjoy5SsQI/AAAAAAAAHS8/4DwcK3_8DVY/s1600/screengrab-00017.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Upon further consideration, most agreed that the Nuclear Plant/Cosmetology School </b></span><br />
<span style="color: yellow;"><b>plans were flawed from the very start.</b></span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kPm9GCo8siY/VRc97ut5GAI/AAAAAAAAHVE/AmfqmhVAtyw/s1600/screengrab-00011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kPm9GCo8siY/VRc97ut5GAI/AAAAAAAAHVE/AmfqmhVAtyw/s1600/screengrab-00011.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Xuxo feels conflicted</b></span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-67v_EWmGxic/VRc-AgCWB-I/AAAAAAAAHVM/njzy5DGPx2w/s1600/screengrab-00044.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-67v_EWmGxic/VRc-AgCWB-I/AAAAAAAAHVM/njzy5DGPx2w/s1600/screengrab-00044.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"Also, why is my bed copping a feel?"</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0JZL_DS4m0k/VRc-nYZVwyI/AAAAAAAAHVU/MRRpxK25L3A/s1600/screengrab-00029.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0JZL_DS4m0k/VRc-nYZVwyI/AAAAAAAAHVU/MRRpxK25L3A/s1600/screengrab-00029.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"Don't tell me you pawned the surfboard AGAIN?"</b></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b> </b></span><br />
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ctQjs7yj5Y/VRc-ncWD2jI/AAAAAAAAHVc/XiXqskduuZU/s1600/screengrab-00022.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ctQjs7yj5Y/VRc-ncWD2jI/AAAAAAAAHVc/XiXqskduuZU/s1600/screengrab-00022.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Fair Warning</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jta-u7mAm8g/VRc-ouMZElI/AAAAAAAAHVw/mwKHpbw3T9A/s1600/screengrab-00081.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Jta-u7mAm8g/VRc-ouMZElI/AAAAAAAAHVw/mwKHpbw3T9A/s1600/screengrab-00081.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Hall of Hot Pants</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GuF0e94IXo4/VRc-nR7nBOI/AAAAAAAAHVY/3GTcoQ3uFV4/s1600/screengrab-00037.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GuF0e94IXo4/VRc-nR7nBOI/AAAAAAAAHVY/3GTcoQ3uFV4/s1600/screengrab-00037.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"Not now, Vicar...I'm filming!"<u><br /></u></b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uAjVU7BI-MI/VRc-o7WKr3I/AAAAAAAAHV0/lGFI9wNi6Oo/s1600/screengrab-00086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uAjVU7BI-MI/VRc-o7WKr3I/AAAAAAAAHV0/lGFI9wNi6Oo/s1600/screengrab-00086.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>To Splay and Display</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4e6trpofVpM/VRc-pOHpUEI/AAAAAAAAHV8/-AGaLqdC8f0/s1600/screengrab-00110.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4e6trpofVpM/VRc-pOHpUEI/AAAAAAAAHV8/-AGaLqdC8f0/s1600/screengrab-00110.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>She knows how it looks</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ncwDYhbWpI8/VRdOzN9ob8I/AAAAAAAAHXE/Li_Nd6Yo_F0/s1600/screengrab-00158.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ncwDYhbWpI8/VRdOzN9ob8I/AAAAAAAAHXE/Li_Nd6Yo_F0/s1600/screengrab-00158.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"Or, just stick it in my crack."</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4brfY8mZTtg/VRhzsJW1ORI/AAAAAAAAHXk/HdLtq4zeFaU/s1600/screengrab-00163.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4brfY8mZTtg/VRhzsJW1ORI/AAAAAAAAHXk/HdLtq4zeFaU/s1600/screengrab-00163.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>"Masturbatory MasterCharge also accepted."</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y7jdqj1nMo8/VRc-pU1PCII/AAAAAAAAHWA/9u9DZl03DTw/s1600/screengrab-00120.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y7jdqj1nMo8/VRc-pU1PCII/AAAAAAAAHWA/9u9DZl03DTw/s1600/screengrab-00120.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Dat Optimism</b></span></td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFZ0RGdMBQo/VRc-qEeZCRI/AAAAAAAAHWQ/6jACwBQcdN8/s1600/screengrab-00195.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HFZ0RGdMBQo/VRc-qEeZCRI/AAAAAAAAHWQ/6jACwBQcdN8/s1600/screengrab-00195.jpg" height="236" width="320" /></a></b></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><b>Right in the Puss</b></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: yellow;"><b><br /></b></span>
The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-15612822452189231532012-12-15T11:57:00.001-06:002012-12-15T18:54:01.451-06:00The Red-Stained Lawn (1973): or, The Days of Wine and Robots<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-miCjTbyYG_s/UMuBw0SPTbI/AAAAAAAAHAU/RMkXnxNLfWM/s1600/rsl_poster2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-miCjTbyYG_s/UMuBw0SPTbI/AAAAAAAAHAU/RMkXnxNLfWM/s320/rsl_poster2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
How do you know when it's love?<br />
<br />
Is it that first surreptitious glance across the room, eyes meeting over swirls of cigarette smoke and strains of Wagner thumping in your ears? Is it those first furtive, fleshy fumblings in the alley behind the bar, all hands and lips and straps with complicated fasteners? Or does it come later, reclining comfortably on the couch in a shared apartment, sharing a bottle of wine and your last cigarette as you wait patiently for the next episode of <i>Cupcake Wars </i>to roll?<br />
<br />
It's a mystery, parishioners.<br />
<br />
But even though I can't say exactly when or how it happens, I know that love is real. I know because I've found it, a love that asks for nothing and gives everything. I've found it in <br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0315786/" itemprop="director">Riccardo Ghione</a>'s 1973 <span style="color: magenta;">hippie-abducting</span>,<span style="color: lime;"> mad science-spouting</span>, <span style="color: red;">blood-bottling</span>, <span style="color: #c27ba0;">ultra-groovy</span> mad movie bonanza, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0347808/"><i>The Red-Stained Lawn</i></a> (<i>Il Prato Macchiato di Rosso</i>).<br />
<br />
Let me tell you a little something about that girl o'mine.<br />
<br /><span id="fullpost">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BhDPCaw7pHI/UMuEqA4F_FI/AAAAAAAAHBc/0E6L1lAVh9s/s1600/screengrab-00079.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BhDPCaw7pHI/UMuEqA4F_FI/AAAAAAAAHBc/0E6L1lAVh9s/s320/screengrab-00079.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">Really. I insist.</span></span></td></tr>
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We open with a hard-boiled <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UNESCO">UNESCO</a> agent (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144875/">Nino Castelnuovo</a>) investigating what appears to be a wine-smuggling operation on the Mediterranean coast. Easily swiping a crate of contraband from a couple of very task-focused smugglers, he makes a disturbing discovery: the bottles in the box are not your run-of-the-mill Chianti, <span style="color: red;">but are instead filled to the cork-line with human blood!</span> Duly alerted, he scuttles off to headquarters to inform his superiors about this unprecedented threat to the reputation of Italian wines worldwide.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piacenza">Piacenza</a>, good Samaritan and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0185819/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1">Daniel Craig</a>-lookalike Alfiero (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0080811/">Claudio Biava</a>) travels every highway and byway in his <span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b>BOSS </b></span>powder-blue sports car, searching for walkabouts who look as though they might fancy a lift. He has no trouble, as the northern Italian town is apparently <i>crawling</i> with automotively challenged individuals of every stripe. Within moments he's picked up a flower-selling<b> Gypsy</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0555773/">Barbara Marzano</a>), <b>a Drunken Tramp</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0197996/">Lucio Dalla</a>), a modestly priced<b> Hooker</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0097802/">Dominique Boschero</a>), and young hippie couple <b>Max and "Max's Companion" </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0932215/">George Willing</a> and a <span style="color: yellow;">stunningly afro'd</span> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0139024/">Daniela Caroli</a>). Being the accomodating sort, <span style="color: lime;">he invites each passenger to come back to his sister's palatial estate, to drink their wine, eat their food, and set a spell.</span> All for free! Now just what kind of paranoid, ungrateful monster would turn down an offer like that? <br />
<br />
At the mansion, the guests are introduced to the lady of the house, <b>Nina Genovese</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0539455/">Marina Malfatti</a>), and her eccentric, science-enthusiast husband, <b>Antonio </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0850254/">Enzo Tarascio</a>). Through a series of rapid-fire and not-at-all suspicious questions, <span style="color: red;">Nina quickly determines that none of her visitors have any friends, family, or employers who will be looking for them, nor have they informed any outside parties as to their current whereabouts. </span>Which simplifies things, of course--I mean, you wouldn't want to set the table for eight and then have a dozen show up, would you? Particularly if any of the extras were police. Not that they would be, for any reason. Hey, did you check out our <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: lime;"><b>freaky robot statue</b></span></span> in the corner over there?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--MSjQQA2YRg/UMuOJnIW9kI/AAAAAAAAHCg/9bYfF9MQPkI/s1600/screengrab-00006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--MSjQQA2YRg/UMuOJnIW9kI/AAAAAAAAHCg/9bYfF9MQPkI/s320/screengrab-00006.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Pericolo, </span></span><span class="st"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">Guglielmo Robinson!"</span></span></span></td></tr>
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It doesn't take long for the quintet to make themselves at quite at home. The Tramp displays his frankly amazing wine-drinking skills: <span style="color: lime;">not only does he down bottle after bottle</span> with no apparent ill effects, he makes it interesting for the viewer <span style="color: red;">by balancing one canister on his head</span> between gulps, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">carrying on a conversation with his beverage</span>, and at one point getting the alcohol into his system faster by <span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>pouring the wine directly into his eye! </b></span></span>That's more than alcoholism, that's showmanship!<br />
<br />
The Hooker, meanwhile, splays herself languidly on every available piece of furniture, regaling the group with unashamed tales of tricks gone by. The Gypsy <span style="color: lime;">steals a few unguarded knick-knacks</span>, as is the custom of her people, and Max and his Hot Mama drape their bedroom with scarves and burn some incense before lighting up <span style="color: magenta;">a truly monstrous spliff.</span> The Genovese Estate is thus a hedonistic oasis, a sort of <a href="http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Pleasure_Island_%28Pinocchio%29">"Pleasure Island"</a> where everyone does what he wants and there's never any price to be paid. Or...<span style="color: lime;"><i><b>IS THERE?!?!</b></i></span><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>*</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;">*<span style="font-size: x-small;">Nota bene: there is.</span></span><br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wCN_DYEuhEY/UMuTJr_QIDI/AAAAAAAAHDk/yDB8S0QO2lU/s1600/screengrab-00025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wCN_DYEuhEY/UMuTJr_QIDI/AAAAAAAAHDk/yDB8S0QO2lU/s320/screengrab-00025.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">He never takes "no" for an answer.</span></td></tr>
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Unfortunately it's true that nothing good lasts forever (q.v., parachute pants, jelly shoes, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slim_Whitman">Slim Whitman</a>'s career), and before long some strange, slightly sinister things are happening in Chez Boom-Boom. First, the Tramp and Max discover <b><span style="color: red;">the Gypsy girl tied naked to her bed with her mouth duct-taped shut</span></b>--a circumstance that does not inspire quite the sense of alarm in them that you might expect. Later the hippies, going against type and availing themselves of a hot shower, are moderately surprised when<span style="color: lime;"> the water suddenly changes to a torrent of wine</span>--though again, not so much as you'd imagine. Even when Max and Maxine rake the coals in the estate's furnace and find <span style="color: red;"><b>a nearly complete human skull,</b></span> their only reaction is to come back inside and have a bit of <span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>"the sex." </b></span>Which normally I'd agree is a fine solution for any problem, but this is looking to be a special case.<br />
<br />
The only guest who keeps his wits about him is, paradoxically, the Drunken Tramp, who eventually confronts the master of the house with his suspicions. Turns out, Antonio Genovese is more than just an eccentric benefactor to the Italian unwashed--he's a <span style="color: lime;"><b>MAD SCIENTIST!</b></span> And it has to be said, one of the most <span style="color: magenta;"><b>fabulous </b></span>mad scientists in cinematic history. Don't believe me? Just take a look at this selection of dominant, scientific neckwear:<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zeKDCdcQplI/UMuX7DymeDI/AAAAAAAAHEo/AXKdplfNv1I/s1600/screengrab-00007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zeKDCdcQplI/UMuX7DymeDI/AAAAAAAAHEo/AXKdplfNv1I/s320/screengrab-00007.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">"To do: buy more wine..."</span></span></td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gmJKCpHJ9qY/UMuYCdHNbfI/AAAAAAAAHE4/rTkgzL8sM0E/s1600/screengrab-00034.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gmJKCpHJ9qY/UMuYCdHNbfI/AAAAAAAAHE4/rTkgzL8sM0E/s320/screengrab-00034.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No no, I'm sorry...but you may not touch the cravat."</span></span></td></tr>
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<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tQi50-h7Hgw/UMuYC8iD0FI/AAAAAAAAHFA/pou4gnqbbtY/s1600/screengrab-00045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tQi50-h7Hgw/UMuYC8iD0FI/AAAAAAAAHFA/pou4gnqbbtY/s320/screengrab-00045.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">"What? Have I got something on my face?"</span></span></td></tr>
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<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ghrIBUWicaE/UMuYDXA0Q6I/AAAAAAAAHFI/e4dDc6gQyeE/s1600/screengrab-00063.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ghrIBUWicaE/UMuYDXA0Q6I/AAAAAAAAHFI/e4dDc6gQyeE/s320/screengrab-00063.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">"This one's actually a Steinkirk, only tied like a cravat. See the difference?"</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A0YF0WY75TI/UMuYESS_p0I/AAAAAAAAHFQ/9yzx8kDcFnU/s1600/screengrab-00075.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-A0YF0WY75TI/UMuYESS_p0I/AAAAAAAAHFQ/9yzx8kDcFnU/s320/screengrab-00075.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">It takes a lot to draw the attention away from his wife's boobs, but I think Antonio has nailed it.</span></span></td></tr>
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<br />
If that's not a man who's getting ready to take over the world, then I've never seen one.<br />
<br />
So yes, there's evil-doings afoot in the mansion, and as the guest list grows smaller and smaller, Max & Co. grow more and more troubled. Actually, scratch that--they're not troubled at all! The Gypsy's disappearance merits barely a nod, and when even his best friend the Tramp vanishes, all Max can deduce is that <span style="color: red;">the Genoveses are kinky voyeurs who like to watch smelly hippies getting it on.</span> Though to be fair, it's clear that the hosts are more than a little freaky-deaky. Leaving aside <span style="color: magenta;">Nina Genovese's </span><span style="color: lime;">more-than-fraternal closeness with Alfiero </span>and <span style="color: lime;">her show-stopping </span><span style="color: magenta;">psychedelic outfits</span> (which are <i>AMAZING</i>--in fact the flick is worth seeing for the fashions alone), there's still the little matter of the doctor's...shall we say, <i>interesting </i>architectural choices.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_G06WbW7Df4/UMyiQ0A0jdI/AAAAAAAAHGY/HDqW4XwHBes/s1600/screengrab-00073.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_G06WbW7Df4/UMyiQ0A0jdI/AAAAAAAAHGY/HDqW4XwHBes/s320/screengrab-00073.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"And this, my fwiends, is the Wumpus Womb!"</span></td></tr>
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In case your eyes have refused to accept what they're seeing and have replaced the image above with one depicting My Little Ponies™ prancing around a daisy-strewn field, let me confirm that yes, that IS a <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: lime;">giant vagina portal </b></span>on the wall. (Because lord knows I'd hate for you to miss out on the subtlety and nuance of that image.) <span style="color: #ea9999;">Leaping through the labia like Lilliputian lust-puppets</span>, they find themselves in <span style="color: #6fa8dc;">a huge mirrored room</span>, where the Hooker immediately deduces she's been brought to perform the service for which she's been hired.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mtQlEvRU9UE/UMylAIjk8TI/AAAAAAAAHHg/hL00nKvOsBU/s1600/screengrab-00066.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mtQlEvRU9UE/UMylAIjk8TI/AAAAAAAAHHg/hL00nKvOsBU/s320/screengrab-00066.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Still, it beats diggin' ditches."</span></span></td></tr>
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Alfiero breaks out a couple of bottles of champagne and Nina puts on some super-groovy music, encouraging the Hippy/Hooker trio to agitate that with which their Mamas equipped them upon the occasion of their births. This they do, downing the booze and shucking off their clothes with admirable efficiency. This scene goes on for some time, and is in fact one of the grooviest things I've witnessed in quite a while: <span style="color: magenta;">psychedelic music</span>, <span style="color: lime;">frenetic hippy dancing</span>, <span style="color: red;">Laugh-In-style zooms</span>, and <span style="color: lime;">warped, distorted reflections </span>in which the director and crew don't even bother to hide themselves--it's a gas gas gas, truly.<br />
<br />
Eventually the trio drop to the floor, their bodies shutting down due to<span style="color: red;"> sheer grooviness overload</span>. Meanwhile the UNESCO agent is tracking down the source of those suspicious bottles, and no points for guessing where the trail leads. Sub-meanwhile, Dr. Genovese and Nina are arguing over the relative values of science and business, which ends with <span style="color: lime;">Nina filling the doctor's Super Robot full of lead</span>...well, <i>more </i>lead. Max and AfroGirl <i>FINALLY </i>get suspicious and decide to investigate the basement, where they find <b style="color: #3d85c6;">a freezer full of dead, naked, bloodless bodies </b>in a genuinely chilling scene.<span style="font-size: x-small;"> <span style="color: red;">(What I did there--you see it?) </span></span>The purpose of Antonio's robot is finally revealed, as is the reason behind the whole operation; <span style="color: lime;">the Hooker succumbs to the dictates of the Robot's silly but deadly prime directive</span>, and the Hippies are next on the slab. Will UNESCO reach them in time, or will they be riding out in the next delivery truck, in 750 milliliter-increments?<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vRPP7Po0MNQ/UMyuW1-zcRI/AAAAAAAAHIo/rvYdb6YfvnA/s1600/screengrab-00084.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vRPP7Po0MNQ/UMyuW1-zcRI/AAAAAAAAHIo/rvYdb6YfvnA/s320/screengrab-00084.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Love Machine</span></td></tr>
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It's hard to imagine <i>The Red-Stained Lawn</i> being made at any time other than the 1970s--in fact, it's hard to imagine it being made even then. But made it was, and I for one couldn't be happier about it. I loved the relentlessly <span style="color: magenta;">groovy fashions</span>, the <span style="color: red;">broad-strokes characterizations</span>, the <span style="color: lime;">repetitive and intrusive score</span>, and even the <span style="color: magenta;">overly earnest folk-rock title song</span> (written and performed by the Drunken Tramp himself, Lucio Dalla, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucio_Dalla">who was apparently a pretty big deal recording artist</a> at the time--I will pay you for a translation! :) ). But most of all I love the unabashed weirdness of the flick, the <b>sci-fi mixed with crime-thriller mixed with hippie drug culture and stirred up with mad science</b> to create a hallucinatory souffle that Mad Movie fans will love getting between their molars.<br />
<br />
The acting is all pretty good for a picture of this sort--<b>Dalla </b>steals the show as the comical Tramp, and both <b>Malfatti </b>and <b>Tarascio </b>as the dueling Genoveses are a delight--the missus with <span style="color: cyan;">her Ice Queen gorgeousness and ruthless amorality</span>, and the doctor with his <span style="color: red;">kooky visionary ramblings and stunning neckties.</span> (Both actors worked together a couple of years earlier in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067487/"><i>The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave</i></a>, a movie I really want to revisit now.) The rest of the cast is serviceable, and despite a few rather endearing flubs (<b style="color: lime;">equipment shadows in the shot, blinking "corpses," the director's pant-leg cameo in the Mirror Room sequence</b>), the film is rather expertly and beautifully shot--the colors and compositions are often quite stunning, a testament to Ghione's eye.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R_ksuB1cVMA/UMy1XYFlxZI/AAAAAAAAHJw/knzsz2lydDA/s1600/screengrab-00104.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-R_ksuB1cVMA/UMy1XYFlxZI/AAAAAAAAHJw/knzsz2lydDA/s320/screengrab-00104.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="st"> <i style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">♫ </span></i></span><i style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: small;">And I think to myself...what a wonderful world! <span class="st">♪</span></span></i></td></tr>
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In short, for fans of the weird, this is a little-known treasure. <span style="color: yellow; font-size: x-large;"><b>2.75 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<b><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: large;"><i>A few more images from </i>The Red-Stained Lawn<i> (1973):</i></span></b><br />
<div style="color: yellow;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ao-kNtT3Z-M/UMy3UBkrunI/AAAAAAAAHJ4/mHcs62pDzdo/s1600/screengrab-00027.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ao-kNtT3Z-M/UMy3UBkrunI/AAAAAAAAHJ4/mHcs62pDzdo/s320/screengrab-00027.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Anal Sex: Not For Everyone</span><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="color: yellow;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BBnUMixhe3k/UMy3VYIJIGI/AAAAAAAAHKI/ZBM3CufqsnQ/s1600/screengrab-00054.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-BBnUMixhe3k/UMy3VYIJIGI/AAAAAAAAHKI/ZBM3CufqsnQ/s320/screengrab-00054.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"Now...where did I put that last bottle of wine?"</span><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div style="color: yellow;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V4Rz0SmrWLE/UMy3V6h1oEI/AAAAAAAAHKQ/cpAwny6qdh8/s1600/screengrab-00055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V4Rz0SmrWLE/UMy3V6h1oEI/AAAAAAAAHKQ/cpAwny6qdh8/s320/screengrab-00055.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Blowout Patch</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: yellow; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OcHAcaAFT74/UMy3YH9CR1I/AAAAAAAAHKw/0DrowFKHTn0/s1600/screengrab-00095.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OcHAcaAFT74/UMy3YH9CR1I/AAAAAAAAHKw/0DrowFKHTn0/s320/screengrab-00095.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Rarrr!</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-A9VlAPDecag/UMy3XGpHh9I/AAAAAAAAHKg/GHHxjh2gpRo/s1600/screengrab-00091.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-A9VlAPDecag/UMy3XGpHh9I/AAAAAAAAHKg/GHHxjh2gpRo/s320/screengrab-00091.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Sure it is.</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ez53BN4zJ-U/UMy3XgJtm3I/AAAAAAAAHKo/wccG_BRFJyc/s1600/screengrab-00093.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ez53BN4zJ-U/UMy3XgJtm3I/AAAAAAAAHKo/wccG_BRFJyc/s320/screengrab-00093.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Please, just try to relax."</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="color: yellow; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IHOWO5ktnVA/UMy3WnilQBI/AAAAAAAAHKY/HmHHbEqRhYc/s1600/screengrab-00086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IHOWO5ktnVA/UMy3WnilQBI/AAAAAAAAHKY/HmHHbEqRhYc/s320/screengrab-00086.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Truth.</span></td></tr>
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<br /></span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-44671958321629924992012-12-07T14:47:00.002-06:002012-12-08T10:30:57.089-06:00Night of the Bloody Apes (1969): or, My Heart Belongs to Bonzo<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uk1iwIzZSqM/UMI2R0XiJYI/AAAAAAAAG6A/WGROnqeNPus/s1600/notba_poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uk1iwIzZSqM/UMI2R0XiJYI/AAAAAAAAG6A/WGROnqeNPus/s320/notba_poster.jpg" width="219" /></a></div>
In 1960s Mexico, female luchador <b>Lucy Ossorio</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0493719/">Norma Lazareno</a>) is an athlete at the top of her game. Resplendent in her <span style="color: red;"><b>Red Devil mask and form-fitting crimson jumpsuit</b></span>, every night she wrestles to a packed house of adoring, sweaty male fans, tossing her hapless opponents around the ring like lumpy bags of week-old laundry. She's young(ish), sexy, strong and beautiful, and on top of that, she's dating <b>Lt. Arturo Martinez</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0799108/">Armando Silvestre</a>), a hotshot homicide cop with the brains of <b>Hercule Poirot</b> and the good looks and charm of a young <b>Tony Orlando</b>. Sure, it's a rough game, but this is one luchadora who really has the world by the tail.<br />
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But into the Happy Picnic of Life, the Swarming Ants of Tragedy are likely to crawl, determined to carry away the Pie of Contentment on their evil little chitinous backs. This is exactly what happens one evening when, drunk on her own in-ring indominatability, <b>La Demonita Roja</b> tosses her opponent, the unfortunate <b>Gata Negra</b> (
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0633896/">Noelia Noel</a>) through the ropes and into the crowd. <span style="color: lime;">The girl takes a bad hop and lands on her noggin</span>, pushing a splinter of bone into her brain and inducing immediate coma. Guilt-stricken, Lucy drops a couple of matches and then decides it's time to hang up the boots for good.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cqZus7S_Vw8/UMI6OCaF3NI/AAAAAAAAG7E/RgadEZVPxM4/s1600/screengrab-00001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cqZus7S_Vw8/UMI6OCaF3NI/AAAAAAAAG7E/RgadEZVPxM4/s320/screengrab-00001.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"Venir a mí, bro!"</span></td></tr>
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Meanwhile, local brain surgeon and organ-transplant specialist <b>Dr. Krallman</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0604032/">José Elías Moreno</a>) has a problem. His angel-faced son <b>Julio </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0554922/">Agustín Martínez Solares</a>) is bed-ridden with terminal leukemia, and all the specialists at his hospital have given the boy up for dead. But like any devoted father, the good doctor is not about to take that lying down. In an astonishing feat of scientific reasoning, Krallman deduces that the blood of a more powerful creature--say, a <span style="color: lime;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>gorilla</b></span></span>, for example--might be able to fight off the cancer where puny human blood has failed. But since gorilla-juice is clearly too potent for the human circulatory system, <span style="color: red;">he figures he'll need to swap out Julio's heart for an organ of the simian persuasion.</span> Then bang! <i>Roberto es su tío! </i><br />
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It's true what they say: sometimes the simplest answer is the best.<br />
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With the assistance of his slavishly devoted manservant <b>Goyo </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0529876/">Carlos López Moctezuma</a>), the doctor sets about putting his plan into action. Sneaking into the Federal District's most un-security-conscious zoo, <span style="color: lime;">the two old men easily purloin a primate and plop its pumper into Papa's poor pestilential progeny, post-haste.</span> In a few hours, the boy is on the mend, the doctor's hypothesis is proved, and the overcrowded monkey house at the zoo has some much-needed extra space. Everybody wins!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7lBIDhbHzc/UMI-pe45CBI/AAAAAAAAG8I/FddsYYjFLZc/s1600/screengrab-00008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S7lBIDhbHzc/UMI-pe45CBI/AAAAAAAAG8I/FddsYYjFLZc/s320/screengrab-00008.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Well, almost everybody.</span></td></tr>
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Of course near-death experiences are almost always transformative. People come back from the brink with a newfound desire to live life to the fullest, to help their fellow man, or to cash in and go on a book tour with John Edward. In Julio's case, however, the transformation is less spiritual--instead, <span style="color: red;"><b>his new ticker turns him into a rampaging half-ape monstrosity! </b></span>(Actually, more like 1/8-ape...he only seems affected from the jawline up.) I guess everybody copes in his own way.<br />
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Soon the <b>Bloody Ape</b> (singular, despite the film's title) is out on the town, leaving a trail of mauled, broken bodies in his wake. Realizing his mistake, Dr. Krallman reasons that putting a human heart back in his boy's chest is the best way to correct things, and thanks to Lucy's earlier reasonless brutality, he has just the perfect subject in his hospital. Goya and the doctor remove the girl back to his basement lab (again with astonishing ease), and after recapturing Julio, perform the second transplant in as many days, again leaving Julio none the worse for wear.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ViYHHfy8Wxs/UMJDV3gjskI/AAAAAAAAG9M/Xakxpi64E0I/s1600/screengrab-00014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ViYHHfy8Wxs/UMJDV3gjskI/AAAAAAAAG9M/Xakxpi64E0I/s320/screengrab-00014.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"I can haz nanner puddin?"</span></td></tr>
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The missing girl and the string of brutal murders finally alert the police to something amiss, and Arturo gets on the case. Most are blaming the <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"escaped"</span> gorilla for the crimes, but when Arturo sees the fingerprints and notices they are <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"half-ape, and also half-human!"</span> (<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Ed. note: Whaaaa?</i></span>), he knows they're dealing with something a bit more sinister. Worse, Julio's condition isn't cured by his new ticker, and soon <span style="color: red;"><b>he's ripped Goya's head from his body </b></span>and gone out to wreak yet more bloody havoc. Can Arturo stop him before he kills half the nubile women in the city? Can Dr. Krallman save his son from his own scientific hubris? Will Lucy ever wrestle again?<br />
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<i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063090/">Night of the Bloody Apes</a></i> (1969) is not a movie that pulls out all the stops--it's a movie that doesn't even acknowledge there are stops to be pulled. The ape-man's attacks are surprisingly gory, ina late-60s tempera-paint way: we <span style="color: red;"><b>have scalps being pulled off, throats being torn open, eyes being gouged out, and multiple vicious maulings, </b></span>often perpetrated upon the unclad torsos of energetically screaming senoritas. In addition, director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0136579/" itemprop="director">René Cardona</a> also treats us to <span style="color: lime;"><b>actual footage of real open-heart surgery</b></span>--a circumstance that landed this film on the famous British <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_nasty">"Video Nasties"</a> list, and kept it unseen in that country for years.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1e0O80hQBY4/UMJPqe20koI/AAAAAAAAG-Q/GO5TCK_cQMw/s1600/screengrab-00024.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1e0O80hQBY4/UMJPqe20koI/AAAAAAAAG-Q/GO5TCK_cQMw/s320/screengrab-00024.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"This really brings out your eyes."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
There's an awful lot of nudity too. Lucy--<span style="color: red;">who seems to gain about 30 pounds every time she steps into the ring</span>, only to drop the weight when the mask comes off--thinks nothing of chatting on the telephone in the altogether, fortunately for us. Also, in keeping with the long-standing cinematic tradition of <span style="color: lime;"><b>"rapey half-mans-half-monkeys"</b></span> (further reading <a href="http://tenebrouskate.blogspot.com/search/label/rapey%20half-mans-half-monkeys">here</a>), Julio <span style="color: red;">frequently rips the clothing from his female prey</span> before proceeding to rip at their flesh. Even the comatose <b>Noel </b>shows all pre-surgery, in the interest of medical accuracy, no doubt.<br />
<br />
<br />
The film is badly paced--there are many, <i>many </i>scenes of a character walking slowly from one end of the set to the other, that could have been profitably trimmed--and most of the acting is expectedly terrible. The lone exception is <b>Moreno </b>as Krallman, who imbues his laughable lines with a certain genuine gravitas, and manages to be emotionally effecting as a father desperate to save his son. It should also be mentioned that this wouldn't be the last time the hunky <b>Solares </b>(<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Julio</span>) portrayed a man-beast: he also appeared as the lycantrhopic <span style="color: yellow;"><b>Rufus Rex</b></span> in the brilliant luchador epic
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067708/">Santo y Blue Demon vs Drácula y el Hombre Lobo</a> (1973, <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/12/santo-and-blue-demon-vs-dracula-and.html">reviewed on MMMMMovies here</a>).
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhjGOoMgcY8/UMJQC89NflI/AAAAAAAAG-Y/2k08OfJ04UI/s1600/screengrab-00027.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YhjGOoMgcY8/UMJQC89NflI/AAAAAAAAG-Y/2k08OfJ04UI/s320/screengrab-00027.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">With nothing to do but lie in bed all day, Julio had time to make some interesting personal discoveries.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
This film is deservedly one of the more popular subjects of the MST3K
crew's derision, but in my opinion you don't need Joel (or Mike?) and
the Bots to facilitate your viewing enjoyment. You can watch it for the<span style="color: lime;">
xenotransplantation and pseudoscience</span>, or for the <span style="color: red;">hard-hitting wrasslin'
action</span>, for the blood or the boobs or the rather ridiculous beast. You
can count the flubs--for instance, Cardona conveniently ignores the
discrepancy between the number of medical
personnel in Krallman's lab (two) and the number of hands working in
the chest cavity
(six); also, while Julio wrestles with a particularly spirited victim in
a local park, her thrashing limbs displace the grass clippings standing
in for a meadow, revealing the bare concrete beneath! Or you can just
sit back and let the madness wash over you in waves. That's my suggestion.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2.25 thumbs</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>A few more images from </b></span></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Night of the Bloody Apes</b></span><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> (1969):</b></span></i></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9JeLmksvLB8/UMJSBh9PAaI/AAAAAAAAG-o/3ryqvIgXVSU/s1600/screengrab-00004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9JeLmksvLB8/UMJSBh9PAaI/AAAAAAAAG-o/3ryqvIgXVSU/s320/screengrab-00004.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"And you should see what I gave him from the elephant! Woohoo!"</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A-ml8MlgWj8/UMJSC7cO43I/AAAAAAAAG-4/a99cmOicir0/s1600/screengrab-00012.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A-ml8MlgWj8/UMJSC7cO43I/AAAAAAAAG-4/a99cmOicir0/s320/screengrab-00012.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"What are these fuckin' iguanas doing on my coffee table?!"
</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pov-fYSamsU/UMJSCA2oFlI/AAAAAAAAG-w/drDTSWiydSM/s1600/screengrab-00011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pov-fYSamsU/UMJSCA2oFlI/AAAAAAAAG-w/drDTSWiydSM/s320/screengrab-00011.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Waste of a Perfectly Good Monkey Suit</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oMOeFVP5Wak/UMJSDPZUlgI/AAAAAAAAG_A/A_y7cvmyiZA/s1600/screengrab-00020.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oMOeFVP5Wak/UMJSDPZUlgI/AAAAAAAAG_A/A_y7cvmyiZA/s320/screengrab-00020.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Splendor in the Grass...Clippings</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O6oEuiUYGMw/UMJSEacIydI/AAAAAAAAG_Q/nCH9CcoaadU/s1600/screengrab-00032.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-O6oEuiUYGMw/UMJSEacIydI/AAAAAAAAG_Q/nCH9CcoaadU/s320/screengrab-00032.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">Separated at birth? (<a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/08/blood-freak-1972-or-lets-talk-turkey.html">reference</a>)</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m3d9Gccyf5c/UMJQLg2DbjI/AAAAAAAAG-g/7bQ2UZMhxvc/s1600/screengrab-00029.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="244" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-m3d9Gccyf5c/UMJQLg2DbjI/AAAAAAAAG-g/7bQ2UZMhxvc/s320/screengrab-00029.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow; font-size: small;">"Now that I've got my framed portrait of the Duke of DVD, I really do have it all!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-86638645423338878562012-10-01T08:19:00.004-05:002012-10-01T08:19:58.854-05:00SUPER COVEN: All Documented, All True!Greetings, parishioners and subjects! Long time no see. What have you been up to? How are the wife and kids?<br />
<br />
Yes, I know, things have been rather thin around here lately, and for that I apologize. The Duke has been out of the country on a particularly long archaeological expedition, and the situation at the Vicarage has been, shall we say, not conducive to the quality production of content. And I love you guys too much to give less than 100%, honestly. It's just the way I feel, I don't care who knows it.<br />
<br />
But a pause is not an ending, and a vacation is not a resignation. The fires of passion can be rekindled, joybaloos can be found. If you've been hanging in here this long, I think you, and hope one day to repay your devotion with the kind of reward you are so richly due.<br />
<br />
But in the meantime, I have excellent news for those seeking awesome new realms of the art of the fantstique. Longtime friend and <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/06/salon-kitty-1973-roundtable-with.html">consistently</a> <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/12/santo-and-blue-demon-vs-dracula-and.html">awesome</a> <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/03/behind-convent-walls-1977-part-1-of-3.html">periodic</a> <a href="http://tenebrouskate.blogspot.com/2010/12/naschy-blogathon-cartoons-discuss-paul.html">contributor</a> to this site, <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: red;">Tenebrous Kate</b></span> (of <a href="http://tenebrouskate.blogspot.com/">Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire</a> fame), has just launched her bound-to-be-amazing webcomic, <span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://www.super-coven.com/">SUPER COVEN!</a></b></span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.super-coven.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/SuperCoven-1-Cover-SCREEN1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.super-coven.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/SuperCoven-1-Cover-SCREEN1.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">© Tenebrous Kate, 2012, all rights reserved</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Page 1 of the first story arc, <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"All Documented, All True,"</b> went live on October 1st, and lovers of Mad Movies and all things fantastique should go bookmark that site and subscribe to its feed RIGHT NOW. Lovingly crafted art, informed by a love of horror, the occult, doom metal and epic beards, this one promises to be everything you could want in a comic and more. Add in the unique world view and righteously twisted humor of the one and only Empress of the Tenebrous Empire, and you'd be a fool NOT to check it out.<br />
<br />
SO DON'T BE A FOOL, FOOLS! Get clickin'! <br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.super-coven.com/">Super Coven Main Page</a> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/supercovencomic">Like Super Coven on Facebook</a> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://twitter.com/SuperCovenComic">Follow like a slave on Twitter </a></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;"> <a href="http://www.super-coven.com/feed/">(RSS) Feed your addiction!</a> </span></li>
</ul>
And tell her <b style="color: yellow;">The Vicar</b> sent you! ;)The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-32846531726417649892012-09-06T10:14:00.001-05:002012-09-06T10:14:18.998-05:00Happy Birthday, Paul Naschy!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aOQLE4Fqk3w/SKROzzI4hiI/AAAAAAAAA90/SB9kmly7io0/s1600/notww_YES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_aOQLE4Fqk3w/SKROzzI4hiI/AAAAAAAAA90/SB9kmly7io0/s400/notww_YES.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>September 6, 1934 – November 30, 2009 </b><br />
<br />
<b>Gone, but never forgotten.
</b>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-73752203843483833382012-08-15T08:19:00.000-05:002012-08-15T08:19:28.142-05:00Check out the Vicar's guest spot on Rupert Pupkin Speaks!Good morning, parishioners! Things continue to move slowly here at the Vicarage, but that doesn't mean your ever-loving cinematic clergyman has been idle. I was pleased and excited when <b>Mr. Pupkin</b> himself of the entertaining blog <a href="http://rupertpupkinspeaks.blogspot.com/">Rupert Pupkin Speaks</a> invited me to take part in his expansive series, <b style="color: red;"><i>"Bad" Movies We Love.</i></b><br />
<br />
Of course <span style="color: lime;">the Duke</span> and I are all about celebrating the films others mistakenly label as <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"bad," </span>and most of my favorite such films have already been celebrated here on the site. However, at Mr. Pupkin's urging I was able to construct a list of eight movies for which I have an especial fondness, but which somehow have never made it into review form here on <span style="color: red;">Mmmmmovies</span>. Click on the link to check out my reflections on these unheralded works of art:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://rupertpupkinspeaks.blogspot.com/2012/08/bad-movies-we-love-guest-post-vicar-of.html"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>"Bad" Movies We Love Guest Post: The Vicar of VHS</b></span></a><br />
<br />
And keep watching the skies!<br />
<br />
Bunnies,<br />
<span style="color: yellow;">The Vicar</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-21189463340259419702012-07-28T19:17:00.000-05:002012-07-30T08:27:47.874-05:00EMPUSA (2010): or, Naschy's Final Bow<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CV8AeUOyixo/UBROHgOuNxI/AAAAAAAAG2s/i_z8k_pv7sY/s1600/empusa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-CV8AeUOyixo/UBROHgOuNxI/AAAAAAAAG2s/i_z8k_pv7sY/s320/empusa.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
A little more than five years ago, <span style="color: yellow;">the Duke of DVD</span> and I started this blog with a review of <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/07/vengeance-of-zombies-or-groovy-ghouls.html"><i>Vengeance of the Zombies </i></a>(1973). That film was and is a perfect example of everything <span style="color: red;">Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies</span> has sought to celebrate, a little-known slice of insane and deliriously entertaining cinema that brought us so much joy, we just <i>had </i>to share it with the world. It was also the first movie we had ever seen featuring the legendary hunk of monstrous manliness that is <span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Jacinto Molina</span>, better known to us all as<b> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0596701/">Paul "Fucking" Naschy</a></b>. Over half a decade and <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/10/mmmmmovies-index-of-reviews.html">more than 350 reviews</a>, Paul has been the patron saint of our site, inspiring us to continue our search for treasure in the forgotten realms of b-movie madness, and providing an immovable foundation on which we have tried to build a fitting tribute. <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/search/label/Paul%20Naschy">His frequent appearances here</a> only give a small glimpse of the wonder he has afforded us, the joy he has so generously given.<br />
<br />
So it's only fitting that, in this belated 5th Anniversary Post, I come back to the man who started it all. And ironic perhaps that I do so with the film that, in a way, ended it all: Paul's very last starring role in a feature film, <b><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1926245/"><i>Empusa </i>(2010)</a></b>. I admit, going into this flick, I was a little worried--I'd been waiting for this since August of 2007, two years before Naschy's death, when I heard that principal photography was finished and post-production had begun. As the months passed, my excitement flowed and ebbed, and now at last here it was, ready to be watched. Could it possibly live up to my anticipation? Would it be a fitting end to my idol's magnificent career? Would it deliver the madness and joy I craved, or would it fall flat? Would <i>Empusa</i> (perish the thought) disappoint?<br />
<br />
Ah, Paul, fogive me. I should never have doubted you.<br />
<br />
<span id="fullpost">
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iUYtSewXrAw/UBR5Nmh2Z4I/AAAAAAAAG28/BcKGc1-iXQA/s1600/screengrab-00087.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iUYtSewXrAw/UBR5Nmh2Z4I/AAAAAAAAG28/BcKGc1-iXQA/s320/screengrab-00087.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">J&B: the Breakfast of Champions</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In a beautiful resort city somewhere on the sunny coast of Spain, retiree <b>Abel </b>(<span style="color: #0b5394;">Naschy</span>, whose long flowing wig and array of do-rags tread the line between ridiculous and awesome) lives a simple, quiet life. He spends his days walking the beach with his fisherman friend <b>Victor </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0562210/">Antonio Mayans</a>) and his nights between the legs of innkeeper/saloon girl <b>Natalia </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4487642/">María Jesús Solina</a>). He writes about his <span style="color: red;">avocational occult researches</span>, socializes with local aristocrat <b>Baron Ulrich</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0705192/">Paco Racionero</a>), <span style="color: lime;"> takes recreational barbiturates and consumes gallons of undiluted absinthe</span>. You know, the simple pleasures.<br />
<br />
His peaceful routine is shattered, however, when one day he and Victor almost literally stumble over a grisly discovery on the beach:<b style="color: red;"> the severed right hand of a young woman, bearing a very strange wrist tattoo.</b> Over the strenuous objections of his friend, <span style="color: lime;">Abel takes the hand back to his apartment and sticks it in the fridge</span>, for...um, further research or something. Abel promises Victor he will return the hand to the beach in a couple of days--three, tops!--and <i>then </i>they can call the police.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_iJ-EEZoHQQ/UBR5foBspbI/AAAAAAAAG3E/hkcB0vjI3sc/s1600/screengrab-00015.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_iJ-EEZoHQQ/UBR5foBspbI/AAAAAAAAG3E/hkcB0vjI3sc/s320/screengrab-00015.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Even Paul's porn is classy</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A quick Internet search later, Abel has confirmed his initial suspicion--that the hand belongs to a victim of the <span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>Empusa</b></span>, a class of demons in Ancient Greek mythology that are like vampires, only meaner. These exclusively female creatures have none of the traditional weaknesses of folkloric vampires, and satisfy their unholy appetites on <span style="color: red;">the blood of their male and female lovers</span>. Their surviving victims thereafter become<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "second-hand vampires,"</span> which are the garlic-fearing, sunlight-shunning, stake-hating sorts of folks we're all much more familiar with. Which makes sense, you'll agree. Shaken by this discovery--though not so much so you'd notice--Abel takes the hand back to the beach and tosses it into the ocean, forgetting his promise to inform the authorities.<br />
<br />
Sadly, this is not the end of the horror--a few days later <span style="color: red;">the police discover a nude body on the beach</span>, a young Nordic tourist who coincidentally is missing her right hand. Not long after, Victor and a friend go squid-fishing only to pull in <span style="color: lime;">another mutilated body</span> in their nets. <span style="color: red;">A couple of seashell-seeking daytrippers are attacked Alfred Hitchcock-style by a flock of seagulls</span> (<span style="color: lime;">vampires:bats::</span><span style="color: lime;">seagulls:empusa,</span> apparently). And while dining with the Baron, Abel gorges himself on all-you-can-eat shrimp while the aristocrat is assassinated by a steak knife-wielding Belgian--though apparently this has nothing to do with the empusa. Just a value-added bloodbath.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zk_HgaYdiCw/UBR6BheqzCI/AAAAAAAAG3M/Gj0rmQJtN6k/s1600/screengrab-00045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zk_HgaYdiCw/UBR6BheqzCI/AAAAAAAAG3M/Gj0rmQJtN6k/s320/screengrab-00045.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Got any Chapstick? Just put it on my bill."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Meanwhile, Abel's social life has taken a turn for the <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Wow!" </span>While lunching in town, the old Lothario strikes up a conversation with a striking, flame-haired young woman, <b>Christabel </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4450484/">Cristina Carrión</a>), who just so happens to be of Greco-Hungarian extraction. Despite having discovered evidence of<span style="color: lime;"> a Greek demonic invasion </span>mere days earlier, Abel sees nothing strange in a Hellenic hottie making eyes at a man <i>three times</i> her age--because <i>fuck you, I'm Naschy, that's why!</i> He meets Christabel later frolicking nude in the waves with a female friend, who seems similarly drawn to the irresistible Molina Man-Musk™. A day or so later, he meets <i>yet another</i> interested party--the absolutely <b style="color: red;">smokin' hawt</b> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2609927/">Laura De Pedro</a>--who is looking for some silver artifacts that are rumored to be in the possession of the deceased Baron. With all the new women in his life Abel has little time for Natalia and Victor, the latter of whom just can't shake the feeling that the hand they found and <span style="color: lime;">the recent death-storm raining bodies on the beach</span> might have something in common.<br />
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Of course Victor's not wrong--Christabel and her ever-expanding army of Eurobabes are indeed <span style="color: red;">a pack of empusa on the loose-a,</span> sucking their way through the local populace while Christabel prepares to battle with their queen <b>Lilith </b>(yes, <b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith">THAT Lilith</a></b>...apparently Greek and Jewish mythology have significant overlap) for empusian supremacy. She thinks Abel might be the wild card she needs to overthrow the ancient queen, but of course once she reveals her plan, the old fox is none too keen on helping her. Maybe she and her bffs shouldn't have<b style="color: red;"> killed Victor in a blood-fueled</b> frenzy before asking for help? No use second guessing, I guess.<br />
<br />
With vengeance on his mind, Abel sets out to bring down Lilith and the other empusa, getting posthumous help from Victor, who appears to him as a rotting corpse a la <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082010/">American Werewolf in London</a>. </i>But what can an old man do against an army of deathless vampire-demons and their ancient queen? Can he find a way to defeat them before they take over all of coastal Spain? Will aged justice prevail over nubile evil? <br />
<br />
Puh-leez.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1pXbTnSORtM/UBR6kle9AAI/AAAAAAAAG3s/iKXQc-ND_ec/s1600/screengrab-00092.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1pXbTnSORtM/UBR6kle9AAI/AAAAAAAAG3s/iKXQc-ND_ec/s320/screengrab-00092.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">No, thank you.</span></td></tr>
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In addition to being his last starring vehicle, <i>Empusa </i>also marks Naschy's last writing and directorial credit, and as he often does, here he adopts the <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"everything and the kitchen sink"</span> approach that makes so many of his movies such wild, delirious rides. Obscure ancient mythology, literary and cinematic allusions, European folklore and good old-fashioned exploitation all rub together and produce a friction that is as delicious as it is confusing. Naschy was never afraid to throw everything at the wall just to see the splatter-pattern, and his last effort is no less fearless in this regard than his first. <br />
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It's also, believe it or not, extremely funny--and in this case, that's by design. Yes, parishioners, <i>Empusa </i>is not simply a monster movie: it's an all-out horror/comedy! Naschy plays Abel as an absolutely unrepentant rascal, and his chemistry
with Mayans as the perpetually exasperated Victor is the stuff of
comedy gold. There were many laugh-out-loud scenes for me, including but not limited to:<br />
<ul>
<li>Abel's ravenous obliviousness as the Baron regales him with tales of his ancestors' outrageous sexual exploits (<span style="color: #3d85c6;">"She dyed her pubic hair every color of the rainbow!"</span>) before the Baron's hilarious dying soliloquy (his last words compare his gaping abdominal wound to <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"a waiting, open c****!"</span>)</li>
<li>A police inspector who reflexively <span style="color: lime;">punches out a corpse </span></li>
<li>Victor communicating with Abel from beyond the grave...<b style="color: red;">via FAX.</b></li>
<li>An elderly priest, cop, and fisherman discussing their new status as <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"second-class vampires"</span></li>
</ul>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l0T5EcVLO1c/UBR8RgkYa-I/AAAAAAAAG30/pcGSW2fDtbQ/s1600/screengrab-00025.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-l0T5EcVLO1c/UBR8RgkYa-I/AAAAAAAAG30/pcGSW2fDtbQ/s320/screengrab-00025.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Viagra: Let Us Put an Epidemic in Your Pants™</td></tr>
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<ul>
<li>An absolutely hysterical sequence where <span style="color: lime;">Abel tries several traditional methods of repelling vampires on the empusa</span>, with hilariously ineffective results</li>
<li>Naschy learning the hard way that you shouldn't buy crossbows over the Internet</li>
</ul>
That's not to say the movie is perfect, however. While the women playing the empusa are all <span style="color: yellow;">completely gorgeous and frequently naked</span> (<span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;">zang</span>), as actresses they are almost uniformly terrible. I guess it's too much to ask for a modern equivalent of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0416652/">Julia Saly</a> or <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0513298/">Helga Liné</a>, but still--ugh. The lone exception is<b> Laura De Pedro </b>as Lilith, who actually seems to know what she's doing and thus comes off as the best actress in the piece.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VRU9GdqOIkw/UBR9ur-NamI/AAAAAAAAG4A/aocoYgwiAuA/s1600/empusaphoto1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VRU9GdqOIkw/UBR9ur-NamI/AAAAAAAAG4A/aocoYgwiAuA/s320/empusaphoto1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="color: yellow; text-align: center;">And also the sexiest.<br />
(photo credit <a href="http://empusafilm.blogspot.com/2007/08/photos-from-film-2.html">empusafilm.blogspot.com</a>)</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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The score is either questionable or hysterical depending on your taste, veering from melodramatic orchestral swells to Danny Elfman-style whimsy with reckless abandon. The editing is a trouble spot too--transitions step on dialog, gaps in coverage are filled with <span style="color: lime;">random scenes of archaeological digs</span> (<span style="color: red;">?</span>), and a couple of kills--one in a back alley by an empusa, and another in an amusement park spookhouse (<span style="color: red;">??</span>) by Lilith herself--pop in and out of the narrative with such disregard for coherence and continuity that I almost got whiplash. <br />
<br />
I found it interesting that with the exception of the monsters, almost the entire cast was made up of actors of more advanced years. I don't think I saw a single human character under the age of 50 who had more than a few lines, which is extremely unusual and a little refreshing in our youth-obsessed culture. However, perhaps as a result of this (and perhaps as a result of the film's budget) there were noticeably few <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"action"</span> scenes--in fact, a great deal of the film's runtime involves <span style="color: #3d85c6;">two people sitting in a cafe talking</span>, which may be trying to some viewers' patience. The one real special-effects scene is a standout though, with Lilith in her true form--<b><span style="color: lime;">a nicely grotesque mixture of green scaly demon-beast and hot nude Eurobabe</span></b>--chowing down on a hapless victim.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5R5ELi9k5r4/UBR-cvhRknI/AAAAAAAAG4I/9US6puqGBC0/s1600/screengrab-00057.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-5R5ELi9k5r4/UBR-cvhRknI/AAAAAAAAG4I/9US6puqGBC0/s320/screengrab-00057.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Literature: Bridging the Generation Gap since 1955</span></td></tr>
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I would say that whether you enjoy <i>Empusa </i>or not will depend very largely on whether you are already a Naschy fan. To be very honest, I can't see someone unfamiliar with his work watching the film and getting much out of it. But for me (and for <span style="color: red;">the Duke</span>, judging by his chortles and snorts as we watched), it was entertaining, joyful, and a heck of a lot of fun. It's not the best of Naschy's movies by any means, but neither is it the worst. It has the kitchen-sink mentality and the heedless creative energy that make all of Naschy's films such a treat for his fans. And best of all, it has Naschy, his wry wit, his love of all things horror, and the boundless childlike joy that no film could fully contain and no amount of years could ever exhaust. <br />
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You gave it to me right to the end, Paul--for that, and for everything, thank you.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: yellow;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2.5 thumbs.</b></span></div>
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<div style="color: red;">
HEAR YE: You can (and should!) download your own copy of EMPUSA for a mere $5 by going to the following link.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.naschysempusa.tk/">http://www.naschysempusa.tk/</a></span></b><br />
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<div style="color: red;">
Do it! Do it NOW!</div>
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<div style="color: #3d85c6;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>A few more images from </i>EMPUSA <i>(2010):</i></b></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-80ZcVXrT4Ks/UBR_PHvi_jI/AAAAAAAAG4Q/IxLi0QQJrfE/s1600/screengrab-00040.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-80ZcVXrT4Ks/UBR_PHvi_jI/AAAAAAAAG4Q/IxLi0QQJrfE/s320/screengrab-00040.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Feel the Glamor</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EjFt9rXI5AQ/UBR_PzxuIbI/AAAAAAAAG4Y/fOJMHlFWiTA/s1600/screengrab-00051.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EjFt9rXI5AQ/UBR_PzxuIbI/AAAAAAAAG4Y/fOJMHlFWiTA/s320/screengrab-00051.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Naschy's man-musk sends all mammals into uncontrollable sexual frenzy--even aquatic ones.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4o3NLVODg2Y/UBR_QT_3rjI/AAAAAAAAG4g/grSFlJENGjQ/s1600/screengrab-00056.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4o3NLVODg2Y/UBR_QT_3rjI/AAAAAAAAG4g/grSFlJENGjQ/s320/screengrab-00056.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: yellow;">"AND YOU RAAAAAAN! YOU RAN SO FAR AWAAAAAAAAAY!"</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zWpB76b3OxY/UBR_RNRDQrI/AAAAAAAAG4w/Wfp1M-MzZMw/s1600/screengrab-00101.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zWpB76b3OxY/UBR_RNRDQrI/AAAAAAAAG4w/Wfp1M-MzZMw/s320/screengrab-00101.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Their sermons have only one subject: "Stay Away from the Wall"</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dytsx1kOs1o/UBR_RuIIA0I/AAAAAAAAG44/cT--qvWY09Q/s1600/screengrab-00124.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dytsx1kOs1o/UBR_RuIIA0I/AAAAAAAAG44/cT--qvWY09Q/s320/screengrab-00124.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Naschy always gets a "Thank You" card--as well he should.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-melz-Gw8RCM/UBR_TELXReI/AAAAAAAAG5I/WYPj1ImAueY/s1600/screengrab-00134.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="175" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-melz-Gw8RCM/UBR_TELXReI/AAAAAAAAG5I/WYPj1ImAueY/s320/screengrab-00134.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">*standing ovation*</span></td></tr>
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</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-90181260565241680372012-05-17T10:09:00.001-05:002012-05-17T10:50:23.703-05:00Slim Pickin'sGreetings, parishioners! As you have no doubt noticed, there hasn't been much going on around these parts lately. I could give a lot of reasons for it with varying degrees of truthiness attached to each one, but in the interest of simplicity let's just chalk it up to that famous 3-and-a-half-year blogging lull. I've been taking some time off to recharge the batteries, rewatch some favorite flicks without the pressure of writing the review in my head the whole time, and generally just trying to re-locate my Joybaloo.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, though. I've been thinking of new directions I might take things here, new projects I might throw myself into, new subjects I might explore under the auspices of the <span style="color: red;">MAD</span>. Your patience during this period is appreciated.<br />
<br />
I do not come to you with simply an empty-calorie post about non-posting, however: I come bearing gifts in the form of my latest discoveries/obsessions--which, while not <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"movies"</span> exactly, are certainly of interest to horror-loving folks such as those that erstwhile have tenanted the halls of the Vicarage and Duchy.<br />
<br />
<b>1. YouTube Madness!</b><br />
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I know many of you already find a lot of spooky joy on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/">YouTube</a>, but for some reason I've never given the video site much attention in that regard. That changed recently when I discovered a few real gems that got me digging for more.<br />
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<u><b>Daywalt Fear Factory</b></u><br />
<br />
I often hear horror fans complain that they are unable to find a movie that really scares them--movies that don't just jump out and scream <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Boo!"</span> while clashing garbage can lids together like a demented wind-up monkey, but that really get under their skin and raise the gooseflesh. For this hardened horror fan, <b style="color: red;">Daywalt Fear Factory</b>'s short films fill that niche. The channel is a treasure-trove of well-constructed, good-looking horror shorts that strike with the nightmare immediacy of a good campfire tale and get out before you can analyze yourself out of your shivers. Like anything, some of the stories are hits and some are misses, but with Daywalt, the hits just keep coming. Turn down the lights, turn up the volume, and enjoy.<br />
<br />
Here's one of my favorites so far, that does more in a little over two minutes than most horror films do in as many hours: <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Bedfellows."</span><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/j6flB0XvmTo?fs=1" width="410"></iframe><br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CFEQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2FDaywaltFearFactory&ei=nAi1T7OgHsGqgwftrtD6Dw&usg=AFQjCNH9r4VzdpqFV3wWg05CKlKZhlRrDA">Daywalt Fear Factory's YouTube Channel</a><br />
<br />
<u><b>2. The Slender Man</b></u><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ioZSiAdPRCc/T7UOanvlmLI/AAAAAAAAG2c/nBoALP9Ff9k/s1600/slenderman.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ioZSiAdPRCc/T7UOanvlmLI/AAAAAAAAG2c/nBoALP9Ff9k/s320/slenderman.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
What began as a<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "make up your own urban legend"</span> contest on the <a href="http://somethingawful.com/">SomethingAwful.com</a> forums has taken on a vibrant life of its own in the Tubes of You, and his name is <b style="color: lime;">The Slender Man</b>--<span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Slendy"</span> to his friends. <span style="color: red;">A supernatural childnapper, otherdimensional overlord, harbinger of doom, and mind-fuckler extraordinaire,</span> the Slender Man has inspired art, literature, and some of the more imaginative web-series/<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternate_reality_game">ARG</a>s it's been my pleasure to partake of. Here are a couple of my favorite series currently active in the burgeoning <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Slenderverse."</span><br />
<br />
<b>Marble Hornets</b><br />
<br />
After his film-school friend <b>Alex </b>abandons his latest project and mysteriously disappears, fellow filmmaker <b>Jay </b>goes through the stockpile of unmarked DV tapes his friend left behind, only to discover some disturbing and inexplicable things, including recurring images of <span style="color: lime;">a tall, faceless man.</span> Posting his findings online (usually in 3-7 minute chunks), Jay gets pulled more and more into whatever drove his friend to obsession and perhaps madness, and becomes a target of the Slender Man himself. The series uses various platforms to tell the same story--multiple YouTube accounts, Twitter, image sharking sites and others--creating an immersive experience. Part vlog, part <i>X-Files, </i>part code-cracking game and part cliffhanger serial, Marble Hornets is more than just webseries--it's a new type of storytelling.<br />
<br />
Exciting, spooky stuff, and just beginning its third and final story arc. Check it out from the beginning; use the fan-maintained wiki to keep yourself straight, and don't miss the reply videos from the enigmatic <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"totheark.</span>" <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CGIQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2FMarbleHornets&ei=uAi1T8ukK4nrgge70JQP&usg=AFQjCNEVd6gzxIqrtswQJm4LChXyXi1N0A">Marble Hornets YouTube Channel</a><br />
<a href="http://marblehornets.wikidot.com/">Marble Hornets Wiki </a><br />
<br />
<b>TribeTwelve </b><br />
<br />
There are many other Slender Man-related youtube channels out there, many riffing on/ripping off the success of <i>Marble Hornets</i>, but <b>TribeTwelve </b>managed to take MH as a springboard and make the story its own. When Florida twentysomething <b>Noah </b>learns his troubled cousin <b>Milo </b>has died, he sets up a YouTube channel to honor his memory with videos of their last visit together. As he does so, he starts to notice strange images in frame, and realizes his cousin was not only troubled but haunted, and perhaps hunted. While investigating, Noah is contacted by a shadowy group known as <b>the Collective</b>, who may or may not be of this world, and of course is terrorized by the Slender Man as well.<br />
<br />
Though the acting and framing of <i>TribeTwelve </i>does not seem as assured as that in <i>Marble Hornets</i>, Noah and company make up for it with compelling plotting, earned scares, and some pretty good special effects for a no-budget web series. Recommended.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&sqi=2&ved=0CFsQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fuser%2FTribeTwelve&ei=ywi1T-v5MKbH6QHO57kI&usg=AFQjCNFR4MsPxCg0fkeoeXKHbi8zSqp6Pg">TribeTwelve YouTube Channel</a><br />
<a href="http://tribetwelve.wikia.com/wiki/TribeTwelve_Wiki">TribeTwelve Wiki</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<u><b>3. Correspondence: or, It Came from Reddit</b></u><br />
<br />
Another fascinating find that falls under the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternate_reality_game">ARG</a> banner, <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"Correspondence"</b> is a serial story being told mostly in the <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/">/r/nosleep</a> subforum of massive link-assembling site <a href="http://www.reddit.com/">Reddit</a>. I say <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"mostly"</span> because as in <i>Marble Hornets </i>and <i>TribeTwelve</i>, the author of this tale--known by the username <b style="color: red;">"bloodstains"</b>--uses <a href="http://www.youtube.com/">YouTube</a>, <a href="http://www.google.com/">Google</a>, <a href="http://imgur.com/">imgur</a>, functional character email addresses, and most intriguingly, the<b style="color: #3d85c6;"> "comments"</b> section of each chapter's post to further the story and blur the lines between reality and fiction.<br />
<br />
Reddit user <b>bloodstains </b>begins to post what appear to be chat logs, stolen texts, phone call transcriptions, and diary entries from a group of teenagers who ill-advisedly visited<b style="color: red;"> "Hell House"</b>--<a href="http://ocprstoronto.wordpress.com/2011/05/22/haunted-highways-urban-legends-of-kirby-road-%E2%80%93-from-the-cprs-toronto-canada/">a real (or is it?) haunted house somewhere in Toronto, Ontario</a>--and fall prey to the spirit of <b style="color: lime;">an evil old woman</b> who <span style="color: red;">possesses, torments, and finally kills them.</span> But there's more going on than meets the eye, as <span style="color: lime;">the possession seems to spread to other Reddit users through the comments section</span>, and the evil goes viral in the worst possible way. Gripping, unsettling stuff--check it if you dare!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/k2yvr/correspondence/">"Correspondence" on Reddit</a><br />
<a href="http://bloodstains.wikia.com/wiki/Bloodstains_Wiki">Bloodstains Wiki</a><br />
<br />
<br />
And that's all I've got for now. Hope you enjoy--let me know what you think!<br />
<br />
Keep watching the skies, enjoy the archives, and stay tuned, Parishioners! I'll be back. :)<br />
<br />
Bunnies,<br />
<span style="color: yellow;">The Vicar</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Pee-Ess: For those of you who have sold your souls to Mark Zuckerberg in exchange for friends' baby pictures and updates about who's eating what--I've been posting random thoughts and periodic short reviews on my facebook page for movies I wanted to say something, but not too much about. If that sounds like something you can't live without, <a href="http://www.facebook.com/vicarofvhs">friend me here</a>, and may God have mercy on your souls.</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-23689424998172818712012-04-26T08:28:00.004-05:002012-04-26T08:28:51.862-05:00Even a Man who is Pure at Heart, and Says His Prayers by Night...<i>May become a wolf when the wolfsbane blooms, and the Autumn moon is bright.</i><br />
<br />
Or, failing that, can be the <b style="color: red;">Vicar of VHS</b>: <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O2BfaCr8WqA/T5lMxGh_9fI/AAAAAAAAG2Q/xK2SoE3lgGA/s1600/2012-04-25_22-39-56_623.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O2BfaCr8WqA/T5lMxGh_9fI/AAAAAAAAG2Q/xK2SoE3lgGA/s320/2012-04-25_22-39-56_623.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: lime;">Naschy rises from the breath of Chaney: or, Night of the Wolf Mans</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Greyscale half-sleeve by Ryan Cook, <a href="http://luckybella.com/">Lucky Bella Tattoos</a>, Maumelle, Arkansas.The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-76796217709368714802012-03-28T11:05:00.003-05:002012-03-28T11:06:46.269-05:00Fear the Voice of the Vicar!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FWQtqi2473M/T2zTEe_XXgI/AAAAAAAADn4/GCF2bl88Agk/s400/chaney-crawford-the-unknown-1927.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FWQtqi2473M/T2zTEe_XXgI/AAAAAAAADn4/GCF2bl88Agk/s200/chaney-crawford-the-unknown-1927.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>Friends and parishioners, I know that many of you have never had the pleasure of traveling over <span style="color: lime;">fog-laden moors and craggy steeps </span>to the Vicarage Proper, there to settle into the hard mahogany pews of the chapel to hear the bell-ringing stylings of Gotho the Hunchback before bearing witness first-hand to one of my informative, uplifting, and pants-ruining sermons. It's a shame, and probably destined to be one of the great disappointments of your life.<br />
<br />
But never fear! Now you can bathe your ears in the dulcet tones of my voice in digital form! Some time back I had the distinct pleasure of speaking with the honorary <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Bishop of Betamax</span>, <b style="color: red;">Jose Cruz </b>of the estimable blog <a href="http://mephistoscastle.blogspot.com/">Mephisto's Castle</a>. With the reel-to-reels rolling, we discussed one of my favorite films of all time: the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0115218/">Tod Browning</a>-directed, circus-centric creeper entitled <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0018528/"><i>THE UNKNOWN (1927)</i></a>. Starring the godfather of all Horror Stars, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0151606/">Lon Chaney</a> (Sr.), and a very young and distractingly hot <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001076/">Joan Crawford</a>, this silent classic boasts <span style="color: lime;">no-armed knife-throwing</span>, <span style="color: red;">three-thumbed strangling</span>, and some of the best acting in Chaney's long and justly storied career. So what are you waiting for? Get over to Jose's place and start listening now!<br />
<br />
<h3><b><a href="http://mephistoscastle.blogspot.com/2012/03/sinister-spotlight-unknown-with-vicar.html">Sinister Spotlight: The Unknown with the Vicar of VHS (via Mephisto's Castle)</a></b></h3>Bunnies,<br />
<span style="color: yellow;">The Vicar</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-7699480031835476402012-03-26T13:07:00.002-05:002012-03-26T13:13:57.384-05:00The Angry Red Planet (1959)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dqe_xsD5-tM/T3CpqShTB8I/AAAAAAAAG2E/CNQNBM059e0/s1600/arp_poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dqe_xsD5-tM/T3CpqShTB8I/AAAAAAAAG2E/CNQNBM059e0/s1600/arp_poster.jpg" /></a></div>A crippled rocket, damaged on <span style="color: red;">an ill-fated mission to Mars</span>, is brought back to earth via radio control and some breathtakingly skillfull toggle-switch toggling. Inside are <b>Dr. Iris Ryan</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0370744/">Naura Hayden</a>) and <b>Colonel Thomas O'Bannon </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0596056/">Gerald Mohr</a>), the only surviving members of the 4-person crew. With the ship's reel-to-reel data tapes all erased by a powerful magnetic field, and Colonel O'Bannon fighting for his life against <span style="color: lime;">a poisonous alien infection that has turned his right arm to Lime Jell-O Fruit Salad™</span>, earth doctors struggle to force the PTSD-ridden Dr. Ryan to remember just what <span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: red;">(the fuck)</span></span> happened. <br />
<br />
After <span style="color: lime;">mega-doses of second-hand smoke </span>fail to have an effect, the doctors use dangerous psychoactive drugs to tease the memories out of the frail, flame-haired doll of a scientist. The tale she has to tell is one of the strangest ever told, involving <span style="color: red;">lush Martian jungles full of man-eating plants</span>, <span style="color: lime;">40-foot alien hellbeasts</span>, and <span style="color: #3d85c6;">three-eyed Peeping Toms</span> leaving sucker-prints on the rocket's glass portholes. How did they manage to escape? What happened to the other two astronauts? And what, if anything, can humankind learn from their folly?<br />
<br />
All those questions are answered in <b><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052564/"><i>The Angry Red Planet</i></a> </b>(1959, dir. <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0577477/" itemprop="director">Ib Melchior</a>), a true classic of pre-moon landing US science fiction and a nonstop good time from blast-off to splashdown. We get special effects that range from the goofy (<span style="color: red;">actor-animated carnivorous plant</span>) to the surprisingly effective (<span style="color: lime;">death by blob!</span>). We get charmingly naive science fantasy (Of <i>course </i>Mars is covered in <span style="color: red;">lush jungles and oily lakes!</span> How *else* would it be?), groovy visual effects courtesy the patented <b style="color: yellow;">CineMAGIC </b>process, and enough <span style="color: lime;">gleeful mid-century sexism</span> to keep the writers of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804503/"><i>Mad Men</i></a> in one-liners for a full season. (Mohr as O'Bannon is a real hoot--<span style="color: red;">a 45-year old Lothario with spacesuit open to the navel,</span> mouth twisted into a perpetual leer, who speaks almost exclusively in double entendres...except when speaking in SINGLE entendres.) <span style="color: lime;">Bad acting and questionable science</span> can't overpower the film's energy, pacing, and sheer joie de vivre. By the time I got to the genuinely exciting climax and the requisite post-crisis warning, I was grinning from ear to ear and ready to do the whole thing over again.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>2.5 Thumbs. Highly recommended.</b></span></div><br />
<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i>Now, enjoy these MADcaps from </i>The Angry Red Planet <i>(1959):</i></div><div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uMYjz0IymDU/T24QnYNdVgI/AAAAAAAAG1U/9YUboR9ogm4/s1600/arp_01_sleeves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uMYjz0IymDU/T24QnYNdVgI/AAAAAAAAG1U/9YUboR9ogm4/s320/arp_01_sleeves.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Sleeves: They Don't Make 'Em Like THAT Anymore</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mu05ivjcWOE/T24QnB8zoII/AAAAAAAAG1M/-wSJpJW_rrE/s1600/arp_03_vagina_plant.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Mu05ivjcWOE/T24QnB8zoII/AAAAAAAAG1M/-wSJpJW_rrE/s320/arp_03_vagina_plant.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A botanical sketch of the rare Martian Pussy Willow</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HUyVc4jj9yM/T24QnWEMg1I/AAAAAAAAG1Q/LJeldwOMtO8/s1600/arp_02_oxygen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HUyVc4jj9yM/T24QnWEMg1I/AAAAAAAAG1Q/LJeldwOMtO8/s320/arp_02_oxygen.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sammy (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0472816/">Jack Kruschen</a>) worries needlessly about excessive oxygen consumption.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yQfoHHu3t6U/T24QoFF4vOI/AAAAAAAAG14/5vEJUeEoNzs/s1600/arp_04_angry_red_plant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yQfoHHu3t6U/T24QoFF4vOI/AAAAAAAAG14/5vEJUeEoNzs/s320/arp_04_angry_red_plant.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Angry Red Plant</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bWFi7atjX0c/T24QoRSg4RI/AAAAAAAAG1k/582pkEi8nMc/s1600/arp_06_chest.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="225" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bWFi7atjX0c/T24QoRSg4RI/AAAAAAAAG1k/582pkEi8nMc/s320/arp_06_chest.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="color: yellow; text-align: center;">Professor Van Dyke...um, Gettel (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0871876/">Les Tremayne</a>) struggles manfully not to stare at the Colonel's sparse chest hair.</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Pmn1iVVrJI/T24Qo6PVYHI/AAAAAAAAG1s/sAnuM0IN-70/s1600/arp_07_hand.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2Pmn1iVVrJI/T24Qo6PVYHI/AAAAAAAAG1s/sAnuM0IN-70/s320/arp_07_hand.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Thomas! What have you been </span><i style="color: yellow;">doing </i><span style="color: yellow;">in here?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhlhp3O0EO8/T24QoTrIbaI/AAAAAAAAG10/UpVzqV1s_5Y/s1600/arp_05_monsta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="243" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hhlhp3O0EO8/T24QoTrIbaI/AAAAAAAAG10/UpVzqV1s_5Y/s320/arp_05_monsta.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Well, guys...looks like we're fucked!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-40875723092128986352012-03-21T19:06:00.000-05:002012-03-21T19:06:34.479-05:00CTHULHU RISES! (Or, The Duke Gets Inked)My dearest friends, it is I, <span style="color: red;">The Duke of DVD</span>, once more inserting myself into your lives like a <span style="color: lime;">trans-vaginal ultrasound</span>! Fear not the slimy touch and intense pressure, for it is none other than <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu">Cthulhu</a>, the Ageless One from beyond time, ascending from his watery abyss to scourge and flay the minds of the shambling masses!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xG3OC_UPv6s/T2psDUDX_SI/AAAAAAAABOc/Z3ieFSbMoC8/s1600/Cthulhu_Tattoo2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xG3OC_UPv6s/T2psDUDX_SI/AAAAAAAABOc/Z3ieFSbMoC8/s320/Cthulhu_Tattoo2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 19px;"><i><span style="color: yellow;">Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!<span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></span></i></b></div>
<b style="font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 19px;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif; line-height: 19px;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Incidentally, this hurt like a bitch. Over 7 hours in the chair, 14 shades of black, 4 shades of gray/white, and 5 different tattoo guns. I'm happy with it though, and wanted to share!)</span></i></span>The Duke of DVDhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04931606833969681610noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-74391756909568043912012-03-01T11:59:00.002-06:002012-03-01T13:45:03.429-06:00Blu-Ray Review: THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Tdnpi9SvZkM/T0-3_k0CaNI/AAAAAAAAG08/l5ZMedtN6xM/s1600/deadlyspawn_package.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Tdnpi9SvZkM/T0-3_k0CaNI/AAAAAAAAG08/l5ZMedtN6xM/s320/deadlyspawn_package.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>Somewhere in a rural section of New Jersey, a couple of camping enthusiasts/possible life partners are shaken from their sleep by <span style="color: lime;">the sudden impact of an asteroid</span> just a few hundred yards from their campsite. They go to investigate, and soon find themselves serving as an all-you-can-gnaw buffet for the meteorite's passengers: <b style="color: red;">a bevy of space worms with multiple heads and more teeth than an Osmond family reunion. </b>Needing a cool, damp place to rest, the Big Mama Worm lays down a slime trail toward a nearby house, slithering into the basement and settling down to a cosy life of <span style="color: lime;">popping out baby worms </span>and messily devouring anyone who happens to come down looking for an extra jar of jam preserves.<br />
<br />
Rightly considered one of the most ambitious micro-budget monster movies of its era (or any era, for that matter), <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087998/"><i>The Deadly Spawn</i></a> was a mainstay of video stores throughout the big-box VHS era. Produced by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0092197/">Ted A. Bohus</a> and directed by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0571653/">Douglas McKeown</a> (at least partially--more on that below), the movie was made on a truly paltry budget of about $25,000, yet boasts one of the most memorable and effective creatures ever to grace a video cover. And now <a href="http://mvdb2b.com/">Elite/MVD Entertainment</a> has released a Blu-Ray edition of this essential slice of American indie-horror history, and graciously sent a copy to the Vicarage for review.<br />
<br />
<br />
First, the movie itself--if you're a fan of cheesy sci-fi from the 80s, a celebrant of shoestring ingenuity and champion of the cinematic underdog such as <span style="color: yellow;">the Duke </span>and myself, then here is a movie tailor-made for your enjoyment. As the Mother Spawn grows larger, ickier, hungrier and ferociouser in the basement, a familial comedy of errors starts taking shape upstairs. The mother and father of the house are planning a long getaway of some sort, and have invited <b>Aunt Millie</b> and <b>Uncle Herb</b> to look after the kids while they're away. Because of their early planned departure time and Mom's conscientiousness about writing instructive notes before getting ready to leave, no one thinks it strange that neither parental unit is around when the rest of the house awakes--which is unfortunate, because they both have of course become <span style="color: red;">Spawn-food </span>in the interim.<br />
<br />
On the fortunate side, though, is the fact that the orphaned-but-oblivious kids are uniquely well-suited to deal with the alien menace festering in their root cellar. Elder son <b>Pete </b>is an astronomy major just waiting for a radioactive bug bite to turn him into a superhero--<span style="color: lime;">nerdy, scrawny, but incredibly knowledgeable about all things to do with SCIENCE! </span>His younger brother Frankie is a borderline autistic Monster Kid who enjoys <span style="color: red;">wandering around the house in a devil cape and ape mask </span>trying to scare Aunt Millie (and failing miserably). While Pete invites his school friends over for a study session and Pete talks to psychiatrist Uncle Herb to see if monster movies have warped his brain, a surprising number of expendable extras wander into the basement to be eaten by the Slimy Spawn.<br />
<br />
Once Frankie discovers the toothy worm and its sperm-like spawnlings (<span style="color: red;">gnawing on his mother's disembodied head! </span>A circumstance which distresses him less than one would imagine), things get turned up to eleven--Spawn Babiez spread out in the neighborhood, <span style="color: lime;">attacking a vegan lunch party </span>(seriously) and devouring Uncle Herb. Can Pete, Frankie, and the rest of the Mystery Incorporated gang find a way to defeat the Deadly Spawn before the neighborhood, and presumably the planet, becomes a bloody buffet?<br />
<br />
<i>The Deadly Spawn</i> is a lot of fun, and all the more impressive due to its miniscule budget. Clearly a labor of love for all involved, it has that idealism and enthusiasm that I love so much, and that is sorely missing from many of the low-budget efforts of our era. And the creature effects by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0230267/">John Dods</a> (who also did the effects for Don Dohler's immensely entertaining <i><b> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086013/">Nightbeast (1982)</a></b></i>--a movie I've been meaning to review for ages!) are simply fantastic. Sure, there are some technical shortcomings and the expected sliding-scale acting, but it sets out to give the audience an icky fun time, and in that it more than succeeds.<br />
<br />
As to the Blu-Ray presentation by Elite/MVD...well, I wish it were a little better. Whether due to the transfer or to the state of the source materials available, the picture here is somewhat less than hi-def. An improvement over a washed out VHS, sure, but just barely. There's a good amount of bonus materials. The commentary by Bohus and editor <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0367831/">Marc Harwood</a> is a hoot, as the two men clearly enjoy one another's company and love reminiscing about the film. We hear about technical triumphs, scheduling snafus, and<span style="color: lime;"> tensions between McKeown and Dods which eventually led to McKeown's departure from the project and Dods stepping in as director.</span> There's a gag reel, casing footage, trailer, TV spots, and more--more than enough for any Spawn fanatic.<br />
<br />
In short, it's a great indie monster movie and worth adding to your collection, if you don't already have the DVD or are the sort of movie fan who just *has* to have everything on Blu-Ray.<br />
<br />
Movie: <b style="color: yellow;">2.5 Thumbs</b><br />
Disc: <span style="color: yellow;">2 thumbs</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-21365346399264983132012-01-27T20:08:00.001-06:002012-01-27T20:09:53.442-06:00Harlequin (1980): or, Rootin' Tootin' Rasputin<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o1GmqpB-6hQ/TyIcL3RlG_I/AAAAAAAAGuA/BPhRTmQITns/s1600/harlequinposter.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o1GmqpB-6hQ/TyIcL3RlG_I/AAAAAAAAGuA/BPhRTmQITns/s320/harlequinposter.jpeg" width="212" /></a></div>We need more movies about ambiguously evil wizards with disco-fros and lacquered black fingernails in this world. We just do.<br />
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I came to this realization recently while watching <b><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080842/"><i>Harlequin</i></a></b> (aka <i>Dark Forces</i>, dir. <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0934578/" itemprop="director">Simon Wincer</a>), an entertaining and thoroughly <span style="color: red;">MAD </span>slice of Ozploitation from the far reaches of 1980. Displaying hints of the skill that he would later put to good use in blockbusters like <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106965/"><i>Free Willy</i></a> (1993), <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117331/"><i>The Phantom</i></a> (1996), and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0231402/"><i>Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles</i></a> (2001), director Wincer delivers a fun fantasy flick mixing mysticism, cutthroat politics, charlatanry, a healthy dollop of that good ol' razzle dazzle.<br />
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We start on the coastline of an unnamed city-state, where the deputy governor is going for an afternoon snorkel while his cadre of bodyguards look on. But even dozens of vigilant servicemen cannot keep the wetsuited politician safe--<span style="color: lime;">he disappears in the murky depths</span>, sparking a media frenzy that it falls to <b>Senator Nick Rast</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0376101/">David Hemmings</a>) to deal with.<br />
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This is unfortunate, as Rast has plenty of his own problems to deal with. His son <b>Alex </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0816679/">Mark Spain</a>) is suffering from late-stage leukemia, putting bored trophy wife <b>Sandra </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0241922/">Carmen Duncan</a>) on the edge of a complete emotional breakdown. She puts on a brave face for Alex's 8th birthday party, however, showing the sick kid the time of his shortened life--complete with <span style="color: magenta;">circus rides</span>, <span style="color: cyan;">balloons</span>, and the <b><span style="color: lime;">creepiest skinny mute clown</span></b> money can buy! <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_VyaSzqgwnw/TyIcLvMLwDI/AAAAAAAAGt4/5NJBwU37nU0/s1600/screengrab-00009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_VyaSzqgwnw/TyIcLvMLwDI/AAAAAAAAGt4/5NJBwU37nU0/s320/screengrab-00009.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Nightmare Fuel</span></td></tr>
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Say what you will about the creep factor, though, you can't deny the clown has madd sleight-of-hand skillz. <span style="color: lime;">He pulls cards out of thin air, turns handkerchiefs into doves, materializes a big slab o' cake for the sickly guest of to nom upon,</span> and at one point even seems to bring down<b style="color: red;"> a crash of thunder</b> from the heavens! They don't teach that at clown college! It's such a great show that even Dad's late arrival can't spoil it for the lovable little tyke--though it does put the senator in serious dutch with the missus.<br />
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All good things must come to an end, and the close of the party day sees <b><span style="color: red;">Alex coughing up blood in the sink and falling into a near coma.</span></b> The family doctor warns them to prepare for the worst. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"It may sound a bit callous,"</span> says Nick, just having been informed he's next in line to the deputy governorship,<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "but it couldn't possibly have come at a worse time!"</span> Say, you're right! That <b><i>does </i></b>sound a bit callous. Bastard.<br />
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Just when things look their darkest, though, <span style="color: lime;">a strange, puppet-like bird</span> appears at Alex's window. Within moments the animatronic avian transforms into...a <i><b style="color: red;">WEE-ZARD!</b></i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dmaz3xozTDI/TyIcMCxM6-I/AAAAAAAAGuM/67u0IoCwvo4/s1600/screengrab-00018.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dmaz3xozTDI/TyIcMCxM6-I/AAAAAAAAGuM/67u0IoCwvo4/s320/screengrab-00018.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">You know what they say about guys with big sleeves</span></td></tr>
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Yes, it's the clown from the party, having shed his floppy shoes and make-up for a more elegant but equally ridiculous outfit. The stranger introduces himself as <b>Gregory Wolfe</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0694293/">Robert Powell</a>), and announces he has come to help Alex. Though Nick objects vociferously, desperate mom Sandra begs the stranger to do whatever he can for her dying son. Sure enough, <span style="color: lime;">within moments the kid is on his feet, demanding a sammich.</span> Before Mom can thank him properly (and Dad can call his security goons), Wolfe has vanished again, seemingly into thin air.<br />
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He's not gone long, though--soon the charismatic magick-man is a daily visitor to the Rast estate, <span style="color: yellow;">making cozy with Sandra</span> while Nick is occupied in tense meetings with backroom political kingmaker <b>Doc Wheelan</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002024/">Broderick Crawford</a>, Acadamy Award Winner! But not for this film). While Wheelan molds Rast for office like putty in his fat, tobacco-stained hands, Sandra finds herself drawn to Wolfe like a chickadee to a snake's hypnotic stare. But Gregory, ever the gentleman, <span style="color: lime;">rejects her carnal advances </span>at first, a circumstance Sandra takes with the grace and decorum one would expect.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ib34va1v6_k/TyIcO7rbhdI/AAAAAAAAGv4/T0z0jULUWWg/s1600/screengrab-00044.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ib34va1v6_k/TyIcO7rbhdI/AAAAAAAAGv4/T0z0jULUWWg/s320/screengrab-00044.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"EAT PLATE, asswipe!"</span></td></tr>
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While he's getting in good with the lady of the house, Gregory is also spending a great deal of time with young Alex, taking him out on long seaside walks (accompanied by Nick's chief of security)<span style="color: lime;"> to teach him the ways of wizardry.</span> Lesson one? <span style="color: red;">Dangling the recently moribund youngster over a cliff with one hand</span>, so he can experience the fear of death! <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Always remember the feel of Death, Alex,"</span> he tells his young pupil, setting him down safely while the security man changes his underwear, <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"and he'll never be able to take you by surprise!"</span> Lesson two: never stand on a cliff with a man dressed like <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001516/">Rue McClanahan</a> at a lingerie party.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_0Id7C0Idg/TyIcNmuX1JI/AAAAAAAAGvE/ipizRj7L8Cc/s1600/screengrab-00031.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-x_0Id7C0Idg/TyIcNmuX1JI/AAAAAAAAGvE/ipizRj7L8Cc/s320/screengrab-00031.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Sure, it looks silly, but the bollock-cooling factor is incredible!"</span></td></tr>
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As the more erudite among you may have already tumbled, writer <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0211193/">Everett De Roche</a>'s script is a modern-day retelling of the story of <b style="color: red;">Grigori Rasputin, the Infamous Mad Monk of the Russian Court.</b> (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigori_Rasputin">Wikipedia article here</a>, for those who want to brush up.) The Rast family share name-analogs with the Romanovs, and even their surname is <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"Tsar"</b> spelled backwards. Clever, huh? Certain historical happenings are mimicked here, such as <span style="color: red;">Rasputin allegedly curing Tsarevich Alex of hemophilia</span>, exerting a powerful influence over Tsarina Alexandra, and another famous bit of lore that would be spoilerish to reveal here. Suffice to say, the only thing missing is <b style="color: yellow;">the Russian's Epic Fuck-Off Beard.</b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MWUPnQeAKw0/TyMSOXGxlWI/AAAAAAAAG0w/Aec6QG3NpDU/s1600/391px-Rasputin_pt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MWUPnQeAKw0/TyMSOXGxlWI/AAAAAAAAG0w/Aec6QG3NpDU/s320/391px-Rasputin_pt.jpg" width="208" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Maybe He's Born With It</span></td></tr>
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Things heat to the boiling point when Wolfe starts hinting he knows what happened to the former deputy governor, and points <span style="color: magenta;">his black-shellacked fingers</span> at Doc Wheelan's merciless machine.<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "You're being groomed Nick, by magicians, to suit their purpose," </span>he warns, indicating that Wheelan's political powers, though not as mystical, are no less formidable, and perhaps even more deadly. In his role as rival sorceror, <b><span style="color: lime;">Wheelan scryes his all-knowing TRS-80</span></b> to discredit Wolfe, uncovering seemingly ironclad evidence that the wizard is a fake and has been snookering the Rasts through hypnosis, adrenocortical steroids, and old fashioned show-biz. <br />
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That explanation is dealt a bit of a blow, though, when Wolfe crashes one of the senator's fundraisers--in <b style="color: red;">SERIOUS LEATHER</b>--and turns the place into a magical <i>Fantasia!</i> And not the kind where the hippos are dancing either; the kind where the basement gets flooded and the brooms all try to kill you. Looking like a cross between <span style="color: lime;">David Bowie's<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091369/"> Goblin King</a></span> and <a href="http://www.kindertrauma.com/?p=385">Slim Goodbody</a>, Wolfe <span style="color: lime;">levitates a piano</span>, <span style="color: red;">cuts a dove in half with a flying cymbal,</span> and <span style="color: lime;">magically extracts an elderly matron's abcessed tooth</span>--a process apparently <i>MUCH </i>more complicated than simply curing leukemia.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--rMT6IQoX24/TyIcP4CjAGI/AAAAAAAAGwQ/vlHAgYIMTeM/s1600/screengrab-00059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--rMT6IQoX24/TyIcP4CjAGI/AAAAAAAAGwQ/vlHAgYIMTeM/s320/screengrab-00059.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Do I make you horny? I make *me* horny."</td></tr>
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Having gone a bit too far, Wolfe is imprisoned by Wheelan's stooges, only to escape and return to Rast's estate with a view toward ruining the announcement of his appointment. What follows is a battle of science versus magic, as Wolfe thwarts the house's high-tech security systems in order to plead with Rast to reject the Wheelans of the world and embrace...I dunno, a return to private law practice? The details are fuzzy, but it doesn't matter: the stage is set for a showdown, with the fate of the Rast family and <strike>Perth's</strike> New York's government hanging in the balance.<br />
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<i>Harlequin </i>is a wild ride, and one that fans of crazy-ass movies like the ones we celebrate here would do well to seek out. It has everything you want and more--<span style="color: yellow;">historical pedigree, wild fantasy fx, histrionics galore, random Sigmund Freud impersonations, a fleeting boob sighting</span>, and, as is only appropriate for a movie based on Russian history, strict adherence to the <b style="color: lime;">Chekov Rule</b> (<span style="color: #6fa8dc;">"If you show an ill-placed bottle of ammonia acids in Act One..."</span>). Acting is good from top to bottom, the standouts being Crawford as the gruff, no-nonsense Doc Wheelan, and Powell of course carrying the film's top spot.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bs3teOiWR60/TyIcR5sFHgI/AAAAAAAAGxk/BUQ0aJPUR-0/s1600/screengrab-00080.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Bs3teOiWR60/TyIcR5sFHgI/AAAAAAAAGxk/BUQ0aJPUR-0/s320/screengrab-00080.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Ain't Nothin' Funny About a Clown with a Cricket Bat</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>In short, I enjoyed this flick a lot, and you will too, if you know what's good for you! <span style="font-size: x-large;"><b style="color: yellow;">2.5 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>A few more images from </b></span></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Harlequin </b></span><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>(1980):</b></span></i></div><div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4XtEqMsxLsA/TyIcL-OQu0I/AAAAAAAAGuw/nL-EHONsEUg/s1600/screengrab-00013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4XtEqMsxLsA/TyIcL-OQu0I/AAAAAAAAGuw/nL-EHONsEUg/s320/screengrab-00013.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"They're still bigger than yours."</span></td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q53bwQr95kM/TyIcPB0RciI/AAAAAAAAGwA/3oYYlceNWqg/s1600/screengrab-00050.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q53bwQr95kM/TyIcPB0RciI/AAAAAAAAGwA/3oYYlceNWqg/s320/screengrab-00050.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Not this time.</td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xCgAeUwCiOo/TyIcQIC9iVI/AAAAAAAAGwg/QU4drBnc410/s1600/screengrab-00064.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xCgAeUwCiOo/TyIcQIC9iVI/AAAAAAAAGwg/QU4drBnc410/s320/screengrab-00064.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">It's cymbalic, of course</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hMbD4MR9zU0/TyIcMZwnWyI/AAAAAAAAGuc/5fitJOwAFCs/s1600/screengrab-00022.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hMbD4MR9zU0/TyIcMZwnWyI/AAAAAAAAGuc/5fitJOwAFCs/s320/screengrab-00022.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">State of the Art</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OoyRR64Y-Gw/TyIcMrcLDLI/AAAAAAAAGug/X7UesmTNk0M/s1600/screengrab-00023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OoyRR64Y-Gw/TyIcMrcLDLI/AAAAAAAAGug/X7UesmTNk0M/s320/screengrab-00023.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Oy! Fancy a shag?"</span></td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S5zpZ8eUAcU/TyIcSCoR7dI/AAAAAAAAGxs/oXCFNHN0aPw/s1600/screengrab-00086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S5zpZ8eUAcU/TyIcSCoR7dI/AAAAAAAAGxs/oXCFNHN0aPw/s320/screengrab-00086.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>BZZZZZZZZZAT!</i></td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g8kXREXn2bs/TyIcP7l1XWI/AAAAAAAAGwY/jwk2-uYP0nU/s1600/screengrab-00057.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-g8kXREXn2bs/TyIcP7l1XWI/AAAAAAAAGwY/jwk2-uYP0nU/s320/screengrab-00057.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Just one more question, kid--what the hell IS that thing?!"</span></td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Yqkba9syscQ/TyIcOx7wfMI/AAAAAAAAGv0/ljY--XXO2Yk/s1600/screengrab-00048.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Yqkba9syscQ/TyIcOx7wfMI/AAAAAAAAGv0/ljY--XXO2Yk/s320/screengrab-00048.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"And that's the story of how Mercedes McCambridge and I killed a hobo one time. More punch?"</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hdC8X3l1yc8/TyIcQRaPR_I/AAAAAAAAGws/tQhK0TTHRRE/s1600/screengrab-00065.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hdC8X3l1yc8/TyIcQRaPR_I/AAAAAAAAGws/tQhK0TTHRRE/s320/screengrab-00065.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't know what I love more--the spray of blood on the middle dude's face, or how completely blase the guy beside him is. "Oh, this is nothing. You should see what David Copperfield can do to a baby penguin!"</td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> </b></span></i></div><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s86Nisqjn6M/TyIcNgDzxlI/AAAAAAAAGvQ/Eix9tlw5xos/s1600/screengrab-00030.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="135" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s86Nisqjn6M/TyIcNgDzxlI/AAAAAAAAGvQ/Eix9tlw5xos/s320/screengrab-00030.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"My God, Vicar--it's HUGE!"</span></td></tr>
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<div style="color: #6fa8dc;"><br />
</div></span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-7512578669877446032012-01-20T08:50:00.005-06:002012-01-20T17:38:15.891-06:00The House of the Seven Graves (1982): or Disco in the Dovecote<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nIjJevIgifA/Txl5mcQWaNI/AAAAAAAAGts/YMidYgTso6A/s1600/casa.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nIjJevIgifA/Txl5mcQWaNI/AAAAAAAAGts/YMidYgTso6A/s320/casa.jpg" width="213" /></a>I admit I wasn't expecting much from <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082141/"><i>The House of the Seven Graves</i></a> (<i>La Casa de las Siete Tumbas</i>, dir. <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0830844/" itemprop="director">Pedro Stocki</a>). And at first, I seemed to be getting what I was expecting. However, as the movie wore on, what started out as a standard flick about possibly supernatural childhood trauma turned into an eerie, dark fairy tale about <span style="color: lime;">witches in the woods, haunted wells, and the destructive tensions between lovers and friends.</span> Perhaps that doesn't entirely excuse some of the film's narrative and technical shortcomings, but it did make for an entertaining and somewhat pleasing pelicula from our friends from way way south of the border.<br />
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Somewhere in rural Argentina, besties <b>Clara </b>and <b>Cecilia </b>make their way through an idyllic, thoroughly normal childhood. They ride their bikes, braid each others' hair, and play the innocent juvenile games of an age before <span style="color: #ea9999;">Internets, XBoxes and lipstick parties</span>. This all changes, however, when down by the train tracks <b style="color: lime;">an old hobo</b> entertains them with the legend of a witch who lives nearby, who has a penchant for<b style="color: red;"> luring young 'uns to her house, draining their blood, tossing their lower halves down a well and shoving their disembodied heads into a huge, haunted dovecote</b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">*</span> on her estate grounds. With nothing better to do, adventurous Cecilia drags timid Clara to the house in question and dares her to go into a workshed, <span style="color: lime;">only to abandon her friend once the dusty door clatters shut. </span>If you're thinking this is a recipe for life-long psychosexual trauma, you've clearly been to Argentina before.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">*Note to the Vicarage Architetural Corps: we need a haunted</span> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dovecote">dovecote</a>. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">STAT.</span></span><br />
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<a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2012/01/house-of-seven-graves-1982-or-disco-in.html">MORE MADNESS...</a><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span></span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gq57cDQwCtw/TxllkkD9A0I/AAAAAAAAGqA/qllGTat8_Wg/s1600/screengrab-00032.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gq57cDQwCtw/TxllkkD9A0I/AAAAAAAAGqA/qllGTat8_Wg/s320/screengrab-00032.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">So THAT's what it sounds like! Thanks, your Purpleness!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Jump-cut twenty years into the future: somehow the girls have made it to adulthood, and even more amazingly have remained close friends. Clara is now a reclusive piano teacher whose much-older husband <b>Roberto</b> is always away on business, and Cecilia a hot-to-trot maneater on the verge of settling down with hunky hombre <b>Armando</b>. Shouting over the noise of Clara's<span style="color: lime;"> time-bending hallucinations and flashback-filled fucktuppery,</span> Cecilia tells her friend she's taking a trip back to their old home town with her fiance, for...some reason or other. Clara wishes her friend well and sees her out the door, anxious to get back to playing plaintive piano pieces and <span style="color: red;">stomping her bare feet to ribbons on her glass-framed wedding portraits. </span>As one does.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zRJnrfZQj94/TxllhQuVZcI/AAAAAAAAGoI/CpYfD5hI4Ig/s1600/screengrab-00004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zRJnrfZQj94/TxllhQuVZcI/AAAAAAAAGoI/CpYfD5hI4Ig/s320/screengrab-00004.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Tootsies of the Damned</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Meanwhile, out in the big scary world, Cecilia meets up with Armando in Buenas Aires just as he's finishing a tennis match against a much younger, fitter chica. Laughing off his intramural activities, Cecilia hustles him into the car and away they go! Soon they're deep into the Argentinian countryside, where Armando proves bafflingly difficult to keep on task; spying an overgrown gravel path leading away from the main throughway, Armando immediately slams on the brakes and hits the turn signal. Questioned by his lover, he shrugs and says, <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"I've always liked dirt roads!",</b> as if that explains everything, and thus sets them on a collision course with destiny and a suspiciously massive dovecote.<br />
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Yes, of COURSE it's the old witch's house, complete with said dovecote, <span style="color: lime;">a wailing well, and six well-tended graves in the front yard. </span>Not put off AT ALL, Armando asks directions from a <span style="color: red;">creepy old groundskeeper bearing a canvas bag full of yowling cats.</span> Unhelpfully, the man asks Armando for the loan of a few cups of petrol, which he then uses to <b style="color: orange;">set the bag on fire! </b>(<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Editor's note: what in the ACTUAL FUCK?</i></span>) Turns out the lady of the house <i>really </i>hates cats, and it falls to Groundskeeper Willie--er, <b>Ruperto</b>--to get rid of them via <span style="color: orange;">fiery CATaclysm.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e_BZ8BYvbeY/TxllicMmCgI/AAAAAAAAGog/f7IJkG4JpoM/s1600/screengrab-00010.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-e_BZ8BYvbeY/TxllicMmCgI/AAAAAAAAGog/f7IJkG4JpoM/s320/screengrab-00010.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Call the ASPCA, NOW!"</span></td></tr>
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Yes, it's CATastrophic. But really the PURRrect way to...oh, shut up.<br />
<br />
Still bravely trying to get directions, Armando is interrupted by a horrible scream from one of the upper floors of the house. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Leave! Leave!"</span> shouts the cackling, dare I say <i>witchy </i>voice. <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Because here there is no way out!"</span><br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Can we spend the night here?"</span> asks Armando, the Man Without Brains.<br />
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Here the movie veers very strongly into horror-laced fairy tale territory. Their hostess the <b>Witch </b>says cryptic things before locking them in the <span style="color: lime;">Murder In the Dark suite</span>, where <span style="color: red;">rats the size of guinea pigs</span> watch them make out and Cecilia cries hysterically about someone hiding under the bed. Armando is unsympathetic, alternately <span style="color: lime;">slapping the hell out of and trying to get busy with Cecilia.</span> We get lots of eerie shots of dark woods, that huge and increasingly sinister dovecote, and the haunted well, while somewhere in the house <span style="color: red;">the Witch soliloquizes to her ward, a <b>Pig-Slopping Retard girl</b>, about how all men are pigs and cats are all traitors. </span>It doesn't make much sense, but it does manage to create a respectable feeling of oddness and unease.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_JEUlGzdPg/TxlljizBmMI/AAAAAAAAGpI/BKI2P7Yyexo/s1600/screengrab-00023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_JEUlGzdPg/TxlljizBmMI/AAAAAAAAGpI/BKI2P7Yyexo/s320/screengrab-00023.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Sure, Armando could be a little rough, but he was the only one who loved Cecilia enough to cut her back hair for her.</span></td></tr>
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Meanwhile, back in the city, Clara seems psychically linked with the occurrences at the house, calling out to her friend that she will never escape while making confetti out of her own photo albums. (She also takes a bath or two, showing off a surprisingly hot bod for a reclusive looney.) She hears voices, and the hallucinations continue. Director Pedro Stocki again shows a sure hand, with off-kilter angles and sinister lighting that purposefully (and meaningfully) recall Polanski's <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059646/"><i>Repulsion</i></a>.<br />
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As the flick rambled on, I began to get a strange feeling that here was a movie that was actually a lot better than it had at first seemed. Though early on we got some truly bad cinematography and editing, Stocki seems to find his groove, gaining confidence and skill as the movie barrels forward. Strange happenings at the house continue, as <span style="color: red;">Cecilia falls under the witch's man-hating spell</span> and <span style="color: red;">Armando begins to plot his lover's death with Ruperto the Cat Scorcher </span>(for no reason I caught). <span style="color: lime;">Skulls show up in the dovceote, creepy dolls float by in the nearby river, shadowy horsemen prevent our lovers from escaping, and creepy noises emanate from the well.</span> All this is interspersed with flashbacks to their childhood, Clara's escalating psychosis back in her apartment, and <span style="color: red;">a disturbing pig-slopping scene in which the retard girl gets intimate with a pile of mud.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I5s6-oZe10A/TxllmDdy-5I/AAAAAAAAGqQ/3vtPQ3Tqx-Q/s1600/screengrab-00037.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I5s6-oZe10A/TxllmDdy-5I/AAAAAAAAGqQ/3vtPQ3Tqx-Q/s320/screengrab-00037.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Likes it Dirty</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Again, it doesn't make much sense, but I found it nearly impossible to look away.<br />
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<i>La Casa de Las Siete Tumbas</i> started out inept, but through force of strangeness and eventual skill snuck up on me and pulled me into the bushes of its narrative. By the time we get the explanation for all the weirdness--which might not surprise aficianados of this kind of thing, but nonetheless was well-executed--I had a well-entertained smile on my face. And as you know, parishioners, that's really all I ask for.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ojOBvGl9hhs/Txlle2sIRwI/AAAAAAAAGmo/Iq72FOx2gjo/s1600/screengrab-00063.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WslZrOLxRok/Txllh-OfxnI/AAAAAAAAGoU/aBk9P8BB63s/s1600/screengrab-00006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><div style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: small;">A few more images from </span></i><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: small;">The House of the Seven Graves (1982): </span></span></b></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WslZrOLxRok/Txllh-OfxnI/AAAAAAAAGoU/aBk9P8BB63s/s1600/screengrab-00006.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WslZrOLxRok/Txllh-OfxnI/AAAAAAAAGoU/aBk9P8BB63s/s320/screengrab-00006.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Toys now, therapy bills later</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zg9uA19Utz0/Txllnk4Y_OI/AAAAAAAAGq0/Jqqz_8cIuxg/s1600/screengrab-00053.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zg9uA19Utz0/Txllnk4Y_OI/AAAAAAAAGq0/Jqqz_8cIuxg/s320/screengrab-00053.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ladies."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OhHpJQh2AcA/Txllo8TmrXI/AAAAAAAAGrE/dSNzdOtrhQg/s1600/screengrab-00056.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OhHpJQh2AcA/Txllo8TmrXI/AAAAAAAAGrE/dSNzdOtrhQg/s320/screengrab-00056.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Room for One More</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UCVkYdwaOkw/Txllmsib7rI/AAAAAAAAGrM/uGJkaOTTprs/s1600/screengrab-00043.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UCVkYdwaOkw/Txllmsib7rI/AAAAAAAAGrM/uGJkaOTTprs/s320/screengrab-00043.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Sensing Clara's distress, Glycerin Man rushes to her rescue.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-71-1-nSVL9g/Txllf8axztI/AAAAAAAAGnE/n8hlc-4dCSY/s1600/screengrab-00074.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-71-1-nSVL9g/Txllf8axztI/AAAAAAAAGnE/n8hlc-4dCSY/s320/screengrab-00074.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Ladies."</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GBTC1WAvm2k/TxllnEPv0MI/AAAAAAAAGqo/6aaguf8Ct7Y/s1600/screengrab-00048.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GBTC1WAvm2k/TxllnEPv0MI/AAAAAAAAGqo/6aaguf8Ct7Y/s320/screengrab-00048.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Wanna buy a knife?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Xss3Gikld_A/TxllmEWWr7I/AAAAAAAAGqM/Xpo5kdBssKI/s1600/screengrab-00041.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Iqzq1pUNT0Y/Txllo7CO2FI/AAAAAAAAGrA/dRnn4IY1BTU/s1600/screengrab-00055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Iqzq1pUNT0Y/Txllo7CO2FI/AAAAAAAAGrA/dRnn4IY1BTU/s320/screengrab-00055.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">One man's slop is another man's forearm.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yDnMo7TRGTA/TxllqITkXaI/AAAAAAAAGrY/zq1zr44Kjew/s1600/screengrab-00057.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yDnMo7TRGTA/TxllqITkXaI/AAAAAAAAGrY/zq1zr44Kjew/s320/screengrab-00057.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Next time, let's not coordinate our hats, okay guys? It's weird."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ojOBvGl9hhs/Txlle2sIRwI/AAAAAAAAGmo/Iq72FOx2gjo/s1600/screengrab-00063.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ojOBvGl9hhs/Txlle2sIRwI/AAAAAAAAGmo/Iq72FOx2gjo/s320/screengrab-00063.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i style="color: yellow;">"And my heart...will go OOOOOOOON!"</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-43673627302339295072011-11-30T09:59:00.005-06:002011-11-30T22:32:46.761-06:00Shadows of Blood (1988): or, Amsterdamaged<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSCI9BYMxfU/TtYoxzWjzlI/AAAAAAAAGjc/7kFzdP9X2Ew/s1600/vlcsnap-00109.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_X58WkarO64/TtYoz66YzlI/AAAAAAAAGkk/eUo6uOEWSII/s1600/vlcsnap-00124.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="148" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_X58WkarO64/TtYoz66YzlI/AAAAAAAAGkk/eUo6uOEWSII/s200/vlcsnap-00124.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">That's right--there is no poster for this movie.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>In the late 80s, the port of Amsterdam is rocked by a series of brazen and motiveless murders. Local police are stymied, until they learn through Interpol that two vicious serial killers have escaped a French asylum and are currently engaged in a friendly competition to see who can deal the most Dutch death. One of the men (<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Barry Fleming</span>) is <span style="color: lime;">a maniacal, hatchet-faced freak</span> who nurses romantic delusions about finding true love, along with an extreme sensitivity about<span style="color: magenta;"> his male-pattern baldness.</span> The other, played by his <span style="color: red;">Mad Mad Mad Mad Magnificence </span><b><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0596701/">Paul Naschy</a></b>, is a grizzled, cigar-smoking old Spaniard, who turned to serial killing after a successful career as a b-movie horror star and champion power lifter...<i>hey waitaminnit!</i><br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">Shadows of Blood</span> </i>(1988, dir. Sydney Ling) is something of an oddity in Naschy's career. A flick so obscure it doesn't even have an <a href="http://www.imdb.com/">IMDb</a> entry--in fact, Paul is the only member of the cast whose IMDb page seems to exist!--the film was apparently a direct-to-video effort produced for the burgeoning Dutch VHS market. Like many of the early shot-on-video productions, this one suffers from <span style="color: lime;">terrible videography, laughable video effects, and incredibly amateurish acting</span> from everyone but the Mighty Mighty Molina. While it's probably only of interest to hardcore Naschyphiles and obsessive DTV collectors, the movie still boasts enough <span style="color: red;">MADness</span> to make it an enjoyable waste of 70 minutes, at least for connoisseurs of trash cinema like your ever lovin' <span style="color: yellow;">Vicar</span>.<br />
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ETA: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rr0zhxdfT8">VIEW THE LAST 8 MINUTES OF SHADOWS OF BLOOD ON YOUTUBE!</a> (Spoilers, obviously)<br />
<span id="fullpost"><br />
There is really no plot or character development to speak of here--we meet Fleming's killer window-shopping in Amsterdam, walking down the street like a regular (if funny-looking) tourist. On a busy thoroughfare, he sees <span style="color: magenta;">a young New Waver</span> coming toward him, and something behind his eyes just snaps! Without even checking whether <i>all ist klar, Der Kommissar</i>, <b style="color: red;">he throttles the young punk on the hood of a nearby Citroen!</b> Whether from lack of social engagement or crippling politeness, the other Amsterdammers passing by on the street take no notice.<br />
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PmLtTQCxN2I/TtYoz8kw1oI/AAAAAAAAGko/i16v54UEtW4/s1600/vlcsnap-00072.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PmLtTQCxN2I/TtYoz8kw1oI/AAAAAAAAGko/i16v54UEtW4/s320/vlcsnap-00072.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"I told you not to put mayonnaise on my fries, but YOU JUST DIDN'T LISTEN!" </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Later, Fleming meets Paul's character (who for sake of simplicity we'll call <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"Paul"</b>) and they discuss their newfound freedom and what they intend to do with it--which seems to be mainly<span style="color: red;"> random, motiveless stranglings. </span>Of interest to Naschy fans here is that <span style="color: lime;">Paul speaks his few lines in English</span>--though <span style="color: #3d85c6;">so heavily accented and with such strange inflection,</span> he's clearly working it phonetically. (No shame there though--ALL of the actors in the movie seem to be reciting their lines phonetically, with the exception of<span style="color: red;"> a wisecracking Cockney</span> detective on the Amsterdam police force, who seems to serve no other purpose in the movie.) I for one got a strong <b>Lugosi </b>vibe off Naschy's dialogue here, which of course made me giggle with glee.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ChxywhxyVn8/TtYo0ChXhUI/AAAAAAAAGkw/66PzqKG-qYw/s1600/vlcsnap-00074.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ChxywhxyVn8/TtYo0ChXhUI/AAAAAAAAGkw/66PzqKG-qYw/s320/vlcsnap-00074.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"I crap bigger than you!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Eager to show the youngster how it's done, Paul checks into a bed & breakfast. Moments after dropping his luggage in his room, <span style="color: red;">he drags a chambermaid in by the throat!</span> (In the first of many instances of somewhat effective black humor, Paul thoughtfully puts out the <b style="color: #3d85c6;">"Do Not Disturb" </b>sign. Also, in the first of many instances of filmmaking flubs, we next see Paul stepping around a stage light to get to his mark.) Still spry despite his 55 years, Paul stalks his prey before executing <b style="color: red;">a stunning leap attack!</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tMzxFl3IRCg/TtYov_mZWYI/AAAAAAAAGiQ/JcP2rCj99CY/s1600/vlcsnap-00084.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tMzxFl3IRCg/TtYov_mZWYI/AAAAAAAAGiQ/JcP2rCj99CY/s320/vlcsnap-00084.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Huzzah!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>As the bodies pile up, the Amsterdam police force finally takes notice. Though the<b> tough-as-nails female chief </b>orders her men to bring the killers in before Interpol can come in and trample the case, <span style="color: lime;">her elderly, Carlsberg-swilling flatfoots </span>make no progress. Meanwhile<span style="color: red;"> Fleming strangles a hobo</span>, and Paul one-ups him by walking into a cafe, ordering a dish of soup (or <b><span style="color: #3d85c6;">"soap"</span></b>--it's hard to tell), and then<b style="color: red;"> strangling a Debbie Harry lookalike before his meal can even be served!</b> A fellow diner, sitting <i>literally </i>the next table over, does nothing to help...though he may well have simply been paralyzed by Paul's mesmerizing manliness.<br />
<br />
With no clues to go on (except presumably the DOZENS of eyewitnesses to every single murder!), the chieftess is forced to accept the help of an also-elderly Interpol agent, apparently sent over from their <span style="color: lime;">Department of International Standing Around with Hands in Pockets.</span> (He's the best there is at what he does!) The agent fills them in on the killers' backstories, which include the fact that Paul has murdered 22 people, and his apprentice a respectable 19--not counting the latest additions. Together the crack task force investigate <span style="color: red;">several tabacs, bars, and hotel bars,</span> finding nothing but a series of suspicious-looking cocktails that must be immediately eliminated.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSCI9BYMxfU/TtYoxzWjzlI/AAAAAAAAGjc/7kFzdP9X2Ew/s1600/vlcsnap-00109.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSCI9BYMxfU/TtYoxzWjzlI/AAAAAAAAGjc/7kFzdP9X2Ew/s320/vlcsnap-00109.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Nope, no killers under the crumpets! Maybe at the bottom of this glass, then?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
From there on out, it's a series of curious events. Fleming strangles more random passersby. Paul throttles a few too--including one fat video editor (?), whom<span style="color: lime;"> he takes out while wearing a Venetian plague doctor mask!</span>--but later diversifies into <b style="color: red;">stabbings and power-drillings. </b>Things take a strange turn when Fleming starts courting a hollow-eyed local woman, who is not put off by his <span style="color: lime;">goblin-like face and penchant for killing people during lulls in the conversational courtship.</span> Meanwhile Paul has an odd interlude wherein he meets <b>an elderly Dutch serial killer</b> to talk shop with, and later <span style="color: red;">has his humanity reawakened by the not-so-skillful warblings of a homeless flautist.</span> Seriously.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OYvnzplfj28/TtYoyXuLAWI/AAAAAAAAGj0/uq_XAgA-mwc/s1600/vlcsnap-00111.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OYvnzplfj28/TtYoyXuLAWI/AAAAAAAAGj0/uq_XAgA-mwc/s320/vlcsnap-00111.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Fun fact: Naschy spent a good portion of the 80s touring with Jethro Tull</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Things come to a head when <b style="color: red;">Fleming senselessly murders the old flute-blower,</b> which causes a rift in his friendship with Paul--a rift that's only exacerbated when <b style="color: red;">Paul garottes Fleming's girlfriend before his eyes! </b>Somehow the cops FINALLY catch up with the younger killer, leading to a foot chase and a showdown in which <b style="color: lime;">Fleming laughs like Dwight Frye on nitrous oxide and rips off his hitherto-unmentioned toupee!</b> The police are powerless against such insanity, so it's up to Paul to put Fleming down like the rabid dog he is. As the chief of police stands by completely inactive--saying nonsensically via voice-over that<b style="color: #3d85c6;"> "Perhaps it's better he gets away!"</b><i> (wha?)</i>--we get a flashback montage with<span style="color: red;"> strange video effects of blood-colored hands over the footage,</span> grasping at the old killer while he offs victim after victim. Perhaps these are the<b style="color: #3d85c6;"> "shadows of blood"</b> that haunt him and inspire his murderousness? Director Ling leaves us to ponder this mystery as the end credits roll, and treats us to <span style="color: lime;">one of the most infectiously awful title songs </span>I've ever heard in a Naschy flick.<br />
<br />
<i>Shadows of Blood </i>is a terrible, terrible movie, and one that I'm sure Paul was not sorry to have left off most of his filmographies. Apart from <a href="http://www.naschy.com/shadowsofblood.html">a short write-up on the indispensible Naschy.com</a>, there's little information in English about this flick, and many fans would probably say that's for the better. It definitely seems beneath Paul's considerable talents, and even the man himself seems to be uncharacteristically phoning in much of the performance, his eyes only on the paycheck waiting at the end. (Apart from those few lines alluded to earlier, most of Paul's acting here is done via broad gestures and pantomime.) Bad script, bad acting, a terrible Casio-fart score, and bad cinematography abound; it's little wonder that few if any of the other people involved have any further discernible film credits.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nUplxTi7xCY/TtYozKTfbgI/AAAAAAAAGkM/coEi2-N3O6s/s1600/vlcsnap-00119.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nUplxTi7xCY/TtYozKTfbgI/AAAAAAAAGkM/coEi2-N3O6s/s320/vlcsnap-00119.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Your guess is as good as mine</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Still, whether because of my own unique mental malformations, or because I'm always under the sway the Magic of the Mighty Molina, I admit to enjoying <i>Shadows of Blood</i> more than a little. The plot device of the competing serial killers isn't a bad idea, and the outlandish brazenness of their killings was a source of laugh-out-loud entertainment to me. Though I couldn't argue that it's anything other than one of the worst films in Naschy's long career, I nonetheless ended the flick with my trademark Naschy-induced grin on full beam. I was never bored by it, which is of course the gold standard for trash cinema in my opinion.<br />
<br />
So for me and other Naschy completists, I would rate the film at <span style="color: yellow; font-size: large;"><b>2 thumbs,</b></span> something you need to see and might even enjoy. But for the average moviegoer, that rating would have to drop considerably, maybe even to the <b style="color: yellow;">1 thumb</b> range. I freely admit to my bias--but what can I say? Naschy always makes me happy. Rest in peace, you wonderful madman. You are missed.<br />
<br />
<div style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><br />
</b></span></div><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: large;"><b>More images from <i>Shadows of Blood</i> (1988):</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ybfXT3Wryis/TtYowIgYmwI/AAAAAAAAGic/Ze5vR9xTPZU/s1600/vlcsnap-00092.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ybfXT3Wryis/TtYowIgYmwI/AAAAAAAAGic/Ze5vR9xTPZU/s320/vlcsnap-00092.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kill!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DStszmHHVm4/TtYoxZYMKPI/AAAAAAAAGjI/QVWM99WrmeM/s1600/vlcsnap-00105.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DStszmHHVm4/TtYoxZYMKPI/AAAAAAAAGjI/QVWM99WrmeM/s320/vlcsnap-00105.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kill!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eTZEKdefJ6c/TtYovzR8gpI/AAAAAAAAGiY/XpY-xtdj1fY/s1600/vlcsnap-00086.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eTZEKdefJ6c/TtYovzR8gpI/AAAAAAAAGiY/XpY-xtdj1fY/s320/vlcsnap-00086.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kill!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VrvnT2YY5yk/TtYoyQYrIwI/AAAAAAAAGjw/3i7Zqmbl3Jw/s1600/vlcsnap-00110.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VrvnT2YY5yk/TtYoyQYrIwI/AAAAAAAAGjw/3i7Zqmbl3Jw/s320/vlcsnap-00110.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Drill!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hmV4Bv7YWX4/TtYow_7kORI/AAAAAAAAGi4/Xb7pqMIvhLY/s1600/vlcsnap-00101.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hmV4Bv7YWX4/TtYow_7kORI/AAAAAAAAGi4/Xb7pqMIvhLY/s320/vlcsnap-00101.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Waiter, there's a Fly Girl in my soup!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tzcWsH--Rjk/TtYox47PVxI/AAAAAAAAGjY/d3bb836zSIQ/s1600/vlcsnap-00107.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tzcWsH--Rjk/TtYox47PVxI/AAAAAAAAGjY/d3bb836zSIQ/s320/vlcsnap-00107.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Yeah, everyone keeps telling me Alcohol Niet Ils Ik Ru, but I don't believe it!"</span></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZCRmq0qRrBU/TtYoxh_LjZI/AAAAAAAAGjg/T4Wvh8ceVR8/s1600/vlcsnap-00106.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ZCRmq0qRrBU/TtYoxh_LjZI/AAAAAAAAGjg/T4Wvh8ceVR8/s320/vlcsnap-00106.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">That's right! KNEEL, PEASANT!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rHbYLb-MwGs/TtYozhnIqjI/AAAAAAAAGkc/_9oM-HVpeNE/s1600/vlcsnap-00120.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rHbYLb-MwGs/TtYozhnIqjI/AAAAAAAAGkc/_9oM-HVpeNE/s320/vlcsnap-00120.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">The Ghost Hand goes for Paul's Booty. Can you blame it?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8hcuwbXqAQ/TtYozqwOTTI/AAAAAAAAGkU/K0uTeCy4hms/s1600/vlcsnap-00116.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8hcuwbXqAQ/TtYozqwOTTI/AAAAAAAAGkU/K0uTeCy4hms/s320/vlcsnap-00116.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Even Paul doesn't know what he was thinking</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-22033747498772281882011-11-29T09:17:00.003-06:002011-11-29T15:32:47.455-06:00NASCHY FOREVER<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jur6HkgPGGE/SKROzzI4hiI/AAAAAAAAA90/bdLPRJxzUyY/s1600/notww_YES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jur6HkgPGGE/SKROzzI4hiI/AAAAAAAAA90/bdLPRJxzUyY/s320/notww_YES.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">The Man</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>It hardly seems like two years have passed since <span style="color: lime;">Jacinto Molina</span>, known to his still-growing legions of fans as the Lon Chaney of Spain, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0596701/"><span style="font-size: large;">Paul Naschy</span></a>, shuffled off this mortal coil and took his final bow. Followers of this blog know what Naschy's legacy means to the <span style="color: red;">Duke </span>and me: he was quite literally the impetus of this project of ours, and the subject of its<a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/07/vengeance-of-zombies-or-groovy-ghouls.html"> first-ever review post</a>. He left behind a legacy of <span style="color: yellow;">joy</span>, <span style="color: lime;">terror</span>, and <span style="color: red;">madness </span>matched by few, and (in our humbles) surpassed by none. <br />
<br />
He is sorely missed. We shall not see his like again.<br />
<br />
It may seem incredible to some, but here, two years after the day I woke to discover that my icon and hero had succumbed to pancreatic cancer at the age of 75, I still get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. At some point between that first giddy discovery of Naschy's work, through countless visits to his monster-choked realm, from the dizzying heights of his <span style="color: red;">Waldemar Daninsky</span> saga to the saddening lows of his bitter, fallow years, Naschy stopped being just an image on the screen, just an old man from a foreign land whose interests and passions neatly dovetailed with mine; he became, in a sense, one of my dearest friends. And his loss was hard to take. It still is.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R0dIGc51ASg/SfCgxiBWDDI/AAAAAAAACoo/5J76e37YCH4/s1600/screengrab_00018.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="176" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-R0dIGc51ASg/SfCgxiBWDDI/AAAAAAAACoo/5J76e37YCH4/s320/screengrab_00018.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">The Myth</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Though I have delved deeply into the legacy Naschy left behind, I still have much to discover. Later today I will be posting one of these until-now-untapped discoveries. But in the meantime, as my tribute and monument to my much admired and even-more missed old friend, I collect here all the Naschyness of the blog for your reference and enjoyment. <br />
<br />
Rest in peace, Paul. Gracias.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_aOQLE4Fqk3w/SKRSSrnM-OI/AAAAAAAAA-k/EjZFr0d9-6s/s1600-h/notww_fiery.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5234399147809634530" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_aOQLE4Fqk3w/SKRSSrnM-OI/AAAAAAAAA-k/EjZFr0d9-6s/s320/notww_fiery.jpg" style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">The Legend</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<ul><li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/09/frankensteins-bloody-terror-1968-or.html"><i>Frankenstein's Bloody Terror</i></a> (1968) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/06/assignment-terror-1970-or-farancksollen.html"><i>Assignment Terror</i></a> (1970)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/08/werewolf-vs-vampire-women-1971-or-my.html"><i>The Werewolf vs. the Vampire Woman</i></a> (1971) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/10/dr-jekyll-vs-werewolf-1972-or-you-cant.html"><i>Dr. Jekyll vs. the Werewolf</i></a> (1972)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/03/fury-of-wolfman-1972-or-i-cant-believe.html"><i>Fury of the Wolfman</i></a> (1972) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/12/horror-rises-from-tomb-1972-or-how-to.html"><i>Horror Rises from the Tomb</i></a> (1972)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/09/crimson-or-majesty-that-is-paul-naschy.html"><i>Crimson</i></a> (1973) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/10/curse-of-devil-1973-or-werewolf-worries.html"><i>Curse of the Devil</i></a> (1973) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/12/guest-review-john-plumley-on-dragonfly.html"><i>A Dragonfly for Each Corpse</i></a> (1973)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/05/hanging-woman-1973-or-life-tastes.html"><i>The Hanging Woman</i></a> (1973) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/02/hunchback-of-morgue-1973-or-bustin-my.html"><i>The Hunchback of the Morgue</i></a> (1973)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/04/mummys-revenge-1973-or-never-slip-mummy.html"><i>The Mummy's Revenge</i></a> (1973) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/07/vengeance-of-zombies-or-groovy-ghouls.html"><i>Vengeance of the Zombies</i></a> (1973) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/12/count-draculas-great-love-1974-or.html"><i>Count Dracula's Great Love</i></a> (1974)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/09/devils-possessed-1974-or-paul-naschys.html"><i>The Devil's Possessed</i></a> (1974) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/09/exorcismo-1975-or-power-of-naschy.html"><i>Exorcismo </i></a>(1975) </li>
<li><i><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2011/05/muerte-de-un-quinqui-1975-or.html">Muerte De Un Quinqui</a> </i>(1975)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/06/night-of-howling-beast-1975-or-leap.html"><i>Night of the Howling Beast</i></a> (1975) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/07/inquisicion-1976-or-rack-em-boys.html"><i>Inquisición</i></a> (1976) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/12/el-transexual-1977-or-life-is-cabaret.html"><i>El Transexual</i></a> (1977)</li>
<li><i><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/11/frenchmans-garden-1978-or-iberian.html">The Frenchman's Garden</a></i> (1978) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/07/el-caminante-1979-or-devil-walks-out.html"><i>El Caminante</i></a> (1979)</li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/12/los-cantabros-1980-or-togas-for.html"><i>Los Cantabros</i></a> (1980)</li>
<li><i><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2008/08/night-of-werewolf-1981-or-werewolf.html">Night of the Werewolf</a></i> (1981) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/02/beast-and-magic-sword-1983-or-samurai.html"><i>The Beast and the Magic Sword</i></a> (1983) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/08/el-ultimo-kamikaze-1984-or-how-paul-in.html"><i>El Ultimo Kamikaze</i></a> (1984) </li>
<li><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/11/rojo-sangre-2004-or-there-are-no-small.html"><i>Rojo Sangre</i></a> (2004) </li>
</ul>And remember last year, the glorious outpouring of love that was the <b style="color: red;">Paul Naschy Blogathon?</b> You can still visit all those links too! And well you should!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/p/paul-naschy-blogathon-links.html"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>THE PAUL NASCHY BLOGATHON LINKS PAGE</b></span></a></div><br />
<div style="color: lime;"><b>EDIT: It appears I've jumped the gun with my grief, as Naschy's official date of death is November 30. :( I'm letting this stand, though--expect my review of my latest Naschy viewing tomorrow.</b></div>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-81016432488374974712011-11-11T11:45:00.001-06:002011-11-11T14:56:12.813-06:00Happy Birthday to The Duke of DVD!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jy5SM0C1gsQ/Tr1eAiVAnQI/AAAAAAAAGf0/YF6ILUB5Fi0/s1600/250px-Blackadder_3_george.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jy5SM0C1gsQ/Tr1eAiVAnQI/AAAAAAAAGf0/YF6ILUB5Fi0/s1600/250px-Blackadder_3_george.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Getting old ain't for pussies, verily."</td></tr>
</tbody></table> Two thousand years ago, in the Australian bush near what is now <b><span style="color: lime;">Bumbang, Victoria,</span></b> an Aborigine shaman fell into a Dreaming in which he saw <span style="color: red;">a huge, flesh-puddled mass,</span> barely human, surrounded by <span style="color: yellow;">heaps of gold, piles of roasted wallabies, and the twisted limbs of a thousand writhing damned.</span> The poor man never fully recovered, and spent the rest of his days with a severe form of <span style="color: lime;">involuntary sweating lalalogia </span>accompanied by <span style="color: red;">explosive incontinence. </span>Though his people had no written language, for years the oral history recorded his bizarre utterances, collected by Swedish anthropologist <b>Høyt Møøsewørryer</b> in the mid-19th Century. The strange locutions--<b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">"Noshee!", "Fool-chee!", "Bah Vah!", "Arrh Ghent Oh!" </span></b>and <b><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">"Ooh, Dat's a Bollocky Bumtikler!"</span></b> have never been satisfactorily explained, but many occult authorities point to this nameless seer as the first to glimpse the coming of<span style="color: lime;"> the Great Destroyer of Glazed Hams </span>and <span style="color: red;">Devourer of Insanity,</span> whose nativity today is celebrated by some, mourned by others, and feared by all.<br />
<br />
Yes, parishioners, today is the birthday of His Flatulence, <span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b>The Duke of DVD!</b></span><br />
<br />
As is our custom on this most blessed and cursed of all calendar days, let us take a moment to review some of the lore and legend surrounding everyone's favorite aristocrat:<br />
<ul><li>In addition to his expertise in all things related to <span style="color: red;">Madness </span>in Cinema, the Duke is also an accomplished (some might say <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"cunning"</span>) linguist, being fluent in <span style="color: lime;">Cantonese, Hindi, Creole, and Sasquatchian. </span></li>
</ul><ul><li>In 1935, up-and-coming Burlesque star-turned-actress <b style="color: #3d85c6;">Fifi "Bang Bang" La Desh</b> penned a series of tell-all articles about the Duke, drawn from her experience giving command performances at his chalet in<span style="color: #6aa84f;"> Cunter, Switzerland.</span> Among the startling revelations in La Desh's memoirs, readers learned that after a particularly intense bout of drinking,<span style="color: red;"> the Duke once expelled three cysts</span> in the shape of an <span style="color: lime;">Eye of Horus, a Pentacle, and Teddy Roosevelt's moustache.</span> It was later learned that the latter was in fact the <i>actual </i>moustache of the ex-president, though heaven knows how it got there. </li>
</ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2vpVNjZvQbA/Tr1eCIphZoI/AAAAAAAAGgM/mi4gb19JC3o/s1600/teddy_roosevelt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2vpVNjZvQbA/Tr1eCIphZoI/AAAAAAAAGgM/mi4gb19JC3o/s320/teddy_roosevelt.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Bugger!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<ul><li>The Duke has one of<span style="color: red;"> the greatest collections of false limbs</span> ever assembled. His prize exhibit is the false arm of <b>Admiral Horatio Nelson,</b> which he employs to open stubborn jars and retrieve hard-to-reach items from high shelves. He also owns the peg leg of privateer <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fran%C3%A7ois_Leclerc">François le Clerc</a>, which he habitually puts to more unspeakable uses. </li>
</ul><ul><li>On his last trip to the Amazon, the Duke and his party discovered a hitherto unknown species of beetle, <i>Ducalias Dvdius Vulgaris,</i> which as a defense mechanism excretes a pheromone that causes <span style="color: lime;">uncontrollable orgasms</span> in its attacker. Shortly thereafter, the Duke single-handedly hunted the bug to extinction. </li>
</ul><ul><li>After receiving a pre-festival tasting pass to the <span style="color: red;">1979 Munich Oktoberfest,</span> the Duke consumed every vat of ale earmarked for the celebration. As a result, a <b>Novemberfest </b>was held that year, the only such festival in the city's history. The Duke has since been banned from attending, but still sneaks in occasionally<span style="color: lime;"> in the costume of a Gypsy prostitute. </span></li>
</ul><ul><li>The above is also how the Duke covers his airfare and lodging expenses for the trip. </li>
</ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-shJdZR6cW-Y/Tr1eBML748I/AAAAAAAAGf8/Es830i1sBC4/s1600/826px-Rear-Admiral_Sir_Horatio_Nelson%252C_1758%25E2%2580%25931805.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-shJdZR6cW-Y/Tr1eBML748I/AAAAAAAAGf8/Es830i1sBC4/s320/826px-Rear-Admiral_Sir_Horatio_Nelson%252C_1758%25E2%2580%25931805.jpg" width="258" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="color: yellow; text-align: center;">"I find his eminence the Duke...<i>disarming!</i>"<br />
<small>"Also, a right cad. *sob!*"</small></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<ul><li>The Duke is the 3-time world champion in the<b style="color: red;"> Vertical Luge,</b> and the first to be inducted in that sport's hall of fame, by virtue of his being the only person to compete in a VLA meet and survive. </li>
</ul><ul><li>Among his many hobbies, the Duke enjoys <span style="color: #3d85c6;">Underwater Sculptural BB-stacking</span>, and <span style="color: red;">being tossed by dwarfs. </span></li>
</ul><ul><li>The Duke's middle name is <b style="color: #3d85c6;">Eunice</b>.</li>
</ul>Many happy returns to my friend, my confidant, my blackmailer and fashion consultant, and one of the <b style="color: red;">MADDEST</b> men I know--parishioners and subjects, raise your glasses to <b style="color: yellow;">the Duke!</b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zSbFO9kwV2U/Tr1eBhQzLfI/AAAAAAAAGgE/zxRgH-C9D0c/s1600/fop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zSbFO9kwV2U/Tr1eBhQzLfI/AAAAAAAAGgE/zxRgH-C9D0c/s320/fop.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">Don't Hate Him Because He's Beautiful</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Bunnies,<br />
<span style="color: lime;">The Vicar</span>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-670974895321956882011-11-01T08:40:00.000-05:002011-11-01T08:40:51.111-05:00Night of the Living Dead (1968): or, Slow and Steady Wins the Race<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wsH23SfWKSw/Tq_2vPWPZgI/AAAAAAAAGfk/roX6qtUUASU/s1600/220px-Night_of_the_Living_Dead_affiche.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wsH23SfWKSw/Tq_2vPWPZgI/AAAAAAAAGfk/roX6qtUUASU/s1600/220px-Night_of_the_Living_Dead_affiche.jpg" /></a></div><div style="color: orange;"><i><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 31!</b></i></div><br />
I probably don't have to summarize this one for any of my parishioners, but in the interest of keeping good form, here goes: after laying a wreath on their father's grave, siblings <b>Barbara </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0640621/">Judith O'Dea</a>) and <b>Johnny</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0834183/">Russell Streiner</a>) are attacked by<span style="color: red;"> a shambling, murderous lunatic.</span> Johnny is killed in the struggle, and Barbara flees to a nearby farmhouse, whose sole occupant is <span style="color: lime;">a partially devoured corpse. </span>Soon she is joined by <b>Ben</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0427977/">Duane Jones</a>), a take-charge kinda guy who is fleeing from a horde of similarly murderous shamblers. They discover another group of refugees in the cellar of the house--lovebirds <b>Tom </b>and <b>Judy </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0915593/">Keith Wayne</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0725985/">Judith Ridley</a>), bickering married couple <b>Helen </b>and <b>Harry Cooper</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0247659/">Marilyn Eastman</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0362457/">Karl Hardman</a>), and the Coopers' injured daughter <b>Karen </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0774736/">Kyra Schon</a>). News reports inform them that what's outside are worse than murderers--incredibly, <b><span style="color: red;">the unburied dead are coming back to life to kill and eat the living!</span></b> As the group of would-be survivors tries to find a way out, tensions mount between them and the zombie horde grows larger and hungrier...<br />
<br />
Rewatching <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063350/"><i>Night of the Living Dead</i></a> (1968) for the who-knows-what-numberth time, I was struck as I always am by how near-perfectly paced the film is. There's little to no drag, and from the opening scene in the cemetery to the well-known shock ending, the movie hums along like clockwork--with a very tightly wound spring. Every scene has a purpose and pushes the film forward, gaining momentum as it goes. The characters behave believably, doing what anyone would do in a similar apocalyptic situation; even Barbara's paralytic shock and Harry's angry assholery are understandable and relatable. And Romero's zombies are slow, implacable, and overwhelming, setting the standard for flesh-eating ghouls that continues to hold today.<br />
<br />
Suspenseful, thrilling, and still scary after all these years, <i>Night of the Living Dead</i> is the perfect Halloween rewatch, and a great way to cap off my 31 days of horror movies. <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;">3+ thumbs</b></span>, of course.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0PNC64WotMc/Tq_2vpvtlUI/AAAAAAAAGfs/1m2TDaTIRPc/s1600/notld+zombies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="217" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0PNC64WotMc/Tq_2vpvtlUI/AAAAAAAAGfs/1m2TDaTIRPc/s320/notld+zombies.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">They're all messed up.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-11722408402043173022011-10-31T08:40:00.000-05:002011-10-31T08:40:42.584-05:00Skew (2011): or, Tale of the Tape<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HDEpQAfhHuk/Tq6kyNQ9lrI/AAAAAAAAGfU/wbImNOnRPUc/s1600/skew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HDEpQAfhHuk/Tq6kyNQ9lrI/AAAAAAAAGfU/wbImNOnRPUc/s1600/skew.jpg" /></a></div><div style="color: orange;"><i><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 30!</b></i></div><br />
Amateur videographer <b>Simon </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1840185/">Rob Scattergood</a>) embarks on a week-long road trip with his beer-swilling best friend <b>Rich </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1855150/">Richard Olak</a>) and Rich's girlfriend <b>Eva </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3231599/">Amber Lewis</a>) to attend another friend's wedding. Simon's girlfriend<b> L.T.</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2208029/">Taneal Cutting</a>) was also supposed to go, but cancels at the last moment, leaving Simon a third wheel. As the friends travel cross-country, tensions mount due to <span style="color: lime;">Simon's obsession with recording everything they see,</span> and also due to his <span style="color: red;">growing romantic obsession with the lovely, bra-poor Eva.</span> Soon triangular tensions are the least of their worries, though, as Simon begins to notice strange images through his viewfinder: a hotel clerk and a gas station attendant both show up with <span style="color: lime;">their features strangely skewed</span> on the tape, and later both wind up dead, the victims of seemingly random violence. As the video anomalies become more common, the body count rises, and Simon fears his camera is the instrument of a terrible supernatural curse. Still, he feels strangely compelled to keep filming, putting his friends in greater danger with every push of the <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"record" </span>button...<br />
<br />
I hadn't heard of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1808477/"><i>Skew</i></a> (2011) before reading a recent review on the excellent site <a href="http://www.planetofterror.com/2011/10/skew-2011.html">Planet of Terror</a>, but I'm very glad I did--dispite obvious similarities to the <i>Ring/Ringu</i> movies (cursed characters there also show up distorted on video), director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1555977/" itemprop="director">Sevé Schelenz</a> manages to make his <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"reality horror" </span>film something fresh and intriguing. The main genius move is making our point-of-view character a flawed, possibly unreliable narrator--in addition to experiencing the supernatural visions along with him, we also slowly piece together his own neuroses and strange desires, which enhances the film's texture and deepens the resonance of the images we're shown. Schelenz does a great job revealing his character through visuals and interactions with his friends, giving the audience enough to stay interested without seeming unnaturally expository.<br />
<br />
The cast helps things a lot too, as <b>Scattergood, Olak, </b>and <b>Lewis</b> have a lot of natural chemistry. Watching their relationships develop and change is often just as interesting as the next creepy set-piece. Which is not to say Schelenz skimps on the creepiness--<span style="color: lime;">the skewed faces of innocents and our knowledge of what that means</span> generates some suspense, and <span style="color: red;">Simon's periodic visitations by the ghosts of those who died of the curse </span>are shocking and goosebump-worthy. The director also uses the medium to good effect--scenes where Rich and Eva borrow Simon's camera reveal a lot about them all, and when Simon rewinds and rewatches some of his footage at the end, it adds another possible explanation to the strange happenings. Or maybe not--I found the final image (no spoilers) puzzling, but still got an inexplicable shiver out of it, which is perhaps a testament to how the film gets under your skin.<br />
<br />
Thanks again to <a href="http://www.planetofterror.com/2011/10/skew-2011.html">Planet of Terror</a> for turning me on to this hidden gem. It's streaming on Netflix instant, so if you're looking for a creepy little story for your Halloween viewing, you could do a lot worse. <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;">2.5 thumbs.</b></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KE3YwvBjIR4/Tq6kykkpi0I/AAAAAAAAGfc/rDmoE3BzgrM/s1600/skew-03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="179" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KE3YwvBjIR4/Tq6kykkpi0I/AAAAAAAAGfc/rDmoE3BzgrM/s320/skew-03.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"I think this shirt really brings out my eyes."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-35669884860747805402011-10-30T10:30:00.000-05:002011-10-30T10:30:25.364-05:00The Bat People (1974): or, Echolocation Nation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9l55utLG5hs/Tq1s3fUaS8I/AAAAAAAAGe8/lEYltoJxlHg/s1600/bat_people_poster_011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9l55utLG5hs/Tq1s3fUaS8I/AAAAAAAAGe8/lEYltoJxlHg/s320/bat_people_poster_011.jpg" width="210" /></a></div><i style="color: orange;"><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 29! </b></i><br />
<br />
Scientist <b>Dr. John Beck</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0609088/">Stewart Moss</a>) <i>really </i>loves bats--so much that he's devoted his life and his ski vacation in northern New Mexico to his avid chiropterology. His beautiful wife <b>Cathy </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0564059/">Marianne McAndrew</a>) tries to make the best of things, inviting her hubby for a frolic off the tourist paths in some beautiful caves beneath the mountains. Unfortunately <span style="color: lime;">the amorous pair tumble immediately into a hole filled with beetles</span> and are soon after <span style="color: red;">attacked by a very frightening rubber bat replica! </span>After their rescue, <span style="color: lime;">Johnny suffers a pair of hilarious seizures</span>, which makes his wife and ski-bum physician <b>Dr. Kipling</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0139824/">Paul Carr</a>, moustache fancier extraordinaire<span style="color: yellow;"></span>) fear John has contracted <b style="color: red;">the rubber rabies. </b>After a bad reaction to his first rabies treatment, Paul is hospitalized.<br />
<br />
The first night, <span style="color: yellow;"><span style="color: lime;">Paul awakens from a dream of murderous bats</span> </span>to find himself transformed, Kafka-esque, into a <span style="font-size: large;"><b>Man-Bat! </b></span><span style="color: red;">Half-man, half-bat, all murdery,</span> Paul offs a nurse and later a dope-smokin', fornicatin' teen...or does he? The doctor believes his transformations and rampages are all in his head, but local cop <b>Sgt. Ward</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0329029/">Michael Pataki</a>, Mad Movie veteran of <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/08/baby-1973-or-you-oughta-wean-him-hes.html"><i>The Baby</i></a> and <i><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2009/11/grave-of-vampire-1974-or-oedipus-necks.html">Grave of the Vampire</a></i>) is not convinced--and<span style="color: lime;"> the pair of bodies cooling in the morgue</span> don't help Kipling's case either. In a fit of animalistic rage, Paul escapes the hospital, steals an ambulance, and <span style="color: red;">tears out of there like a bat out of hell! </span>(So to speak.) Fleeing back to the cave where his troubles began, Paul descends into either madness or bat-itude, while Cathy and the increasingly unhinged Ward try to track him down. Can they get to him before he kills again?<br />
<div style="color: #3d85c6;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Spoiler: nope.</span></div><br />
A <span style="color: red;">mad mad mad mad movie</span> if ever there was one, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071198/"><i>The Bat People</i></a> (1974) is really something special. Sure, director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0417054/" itemprop="director">Jerry Jameson</a>'s film has pacing problems, and relies too heavily on <span style="color: lime;">poorly matched stock footage of bats</span> in nature, but the several things about this flick had me grinning idiot-wise throughout:<br />
<ul><li>Any movie gets bonus points from me when it opens with <span style="color: lime;">a plaintive, 70s theme song.</span> This one has <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Angel of Fear," </span>and it's a stunner. </li>
</ul><ul><li>Some of the <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"attacking bats" </span>shown in closeup are <span style="color: red;">clearly being held by their wingtips directly in front of the camera</span> and are struggling mightily against the injustice. This is both slightly cruel and deeply hilarious. </li>
</ul><ul><li><span style="color: lime;">The Man-Bat makeup</span> by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0935644/">Stan Winston</a> I found to be excellent and distinctly <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/search/label/Paul%20Naschy">Naschy</a>-esque. </li>
</ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JmffkSZ2kZw/Tq1s34vk-AI/AAAAAAAAGfM/I9urV5BWpdE/s1600/bp2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JmffkSZ2kZw/Tq1s34vk-AI/AAAAAAAAGfM/I9urV5BWpdE/s320/bp2.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"I am not an animal! I...oh, wait. </span><i style="color: yellow;">Fuck</i><span style="color: yellow;">."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><ul><li>A late scene where John transforms <b><span style="color: yellow;">while making love to his oblivious, orgasming wife</span></b> is also Naschy-esque (q.v. <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/10/curse-of-devil-1973-or-werewolf-worries.html"><i>Curse of the Devil</i></a> [1973]). </li>
</ul><ul><li>An early bat-creature attack scene is scored with <span style="color: magenta;">the most incongruously toe-tapping free jazz </span>you can imagine. The Naschy parallels have pretty much <i>got </i>to be intentional at this point (q.v., <a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2007/07/vengeance-of-zombies-or-groovy-ghouls.html"><i>Vengeance of the Zombies</i></a> [1973]) </li>
</ul><ul><li><span style="color: lime;">Stewart Moss's eye-rolling, face-twitching seizures </span>should have won him an award. Also, awesomely named <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0816475/">Arthur Space</a> has a show-stealing scene as a philosophical hobo. </li>
</ul><ul><li>There's an odd kneecapping of our sympathy/admiration for the shrewd, no-nonsense Sgt. Kelly when<b style="color: red;"> out of nowhere he gets all rapey on Cathy in her hotel room!</b> WTF, lawman?</li>
</ul><ul><li>The final <b style="color: red;">"bat-attack"</b> scene, which also explains the plural form of the noun used in the title, is simply fantastic.</li>
</ul>I'm not going to say <i>The Bat People</i> is a great film, or even one that most viewers would like--it's stupid, cheap, and takes a while getting to the bat-action (though some would count that as a strength, leaving viewers to ponder whether John is actually transforming or just rabid and hallucinating). But as a fan of all things cheap and cheesy, I thought it was great. If you feel the same, <i>Bat People </i>is a fun time. <span style="color: yellow; font-size: large;"><b>2.5 thumbs.</b></span><br />
<br />
<i>And many thanks to the beautiful and deadly <b style="color: lime;">Jenn </b>of <a href="http://cavalcade-of-perversions.blogspot.com/">Cavalcade of Perversions</a>, whose love for this flick is what caused me to seek it out in the first place!</i><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zxmsdnzFgsE/Tq1s2zn38MI/AAAAAAAAGe0/SHmlDPORgfc/s1600/bat+ppl+sweater.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="206" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zxmsdnzFgsE/Tq1s2zn38MI/AAAAAAAAGe0/SHmlDPORgfc/s320/bat+ppl+sweater.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"Look, I'm getting used to the sweater, but if you say 'Good Grief!' to me one more time, so help me..."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<ul></ul>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-27505009584699436082011-10-29T08:45:00.000-05:002011-10-29T08:45:23.412-05:00Madhouse (1974): or, Making a Killing in Show Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cMAC15EeEVw/TqwCJ5RqknI/AAAAAAAAGek/Cu-17loVfWQ/s1600/madhouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cMAC15EeEVw/TqwCJ5RqknI/AAAAAAAAGek/Cu-17loVfWQ/s320/madhouse.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div style="color: orange;"><i><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 28!</b></i></div><br />
On New Year's eve, movie star <b>Paul Toombes </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001637/">Vincent Price</a>) throws a party with three goals: to celebrate the annual changing of the calendar, to premiere the latest in his successful series of horror flicks in which he plays macabre supervillain<b><span style="color: lime;"> Dr. Death</span></b>, and to announce his engagement to his much, much younger lover <b>Ellen </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0189385/">Julie Crosthwaite</a>). Things are spoiled when Paul's former lover <b>Faye </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0180920/">Adrienne Corri</a>, of the previously reviewed sci-fi funfest <i><a href="http://mmmmmovies.blogspot.com/2010/03/moon-zero-two-1969-visual-review.html">Moon Zero Two</a></i> [1969]) interferes with some cutting remarks, and Ellen's old beau, adult film producer<b> Oliver Quayle</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0067146/">Robert Quarry</a>) reveals to Paul that <span style="color: yellow;">his new fiancee has a history doing the belly-bumpin' boogie for the camera. </span><br />
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This news shocks the old man into spurning his soulmate, going upstairs, and collapsing in a depressed heap on the bed. A bit later, <span style="color: lime;">a man dressed in a very convincing Dr. Death costume</span> sneaks into Ellen's room and dispatches her, gaining style points for <span style="color: red;">perfectly balancing her head atop her severed neck for Paul to discover later! </span>Paul is accused of Ellen's murder, and sentenced to twelve years in a mental institution.<br />
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When he gets out, he is offered a job by his old friend and screenwriter <b>Herbert Flay</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001088/">Peter Cushing</a>)--<span style="color: orange;">who is also Faye's brother and her sole caregiver after a fiery car accident left her disfigured and insane</span>--reviving the Dr. Death character for a television series. However, as the Hollywood bloodsuckers come out of the woodwork and the temperamental old actor adjusts to modern moviemaking, h<b style="color: red;">e suffers further bouts of unconsciousness and wakes up to find more corpses, killed just as Dr. Death would have done.</b> Is Paul a closet psychopath, using his cinematic alter-ego to avenge himself on those he hates? Or is there something more sinister afoot?<br />
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With a real all-star cast of horror heavyweights (in addition to Price, Cushing, and Quarry, we get <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"special participation"</span> by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001651/">Basil Rathbone</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000472/">Boris Karloff</a>! Though this participation <i>is </i>limited to archive footage from other films), <i><b><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071790/">Madhouse</a></b> </i>is pretty much guaranteed to please. The plot is a little threadbare and silly (<span style="color: red;">the cocky TV director being pressed like a grape in one of Dr. Death's props</span> is just one example), but Price goes at it gamely as always, and Quarry makes an excellent big Hollywood baddie. Cushing is fun as the milquetoast writer who may know more than he's saying, and Corri steals the show as <span style="color: lime;">the former beauty whose tragedy has somehow made her a basement-dwelling, spider-coddling old crone</span>. If nothing else, <span style="color: red;">the Dr. Death makeup</span> is simply wonderful, and will make fans of Price wish he actually had made a few films as the character.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><br />
There's no actual madhouse action to speak of in <i>Madhouse</i>, but the climax is MAD enough without it. Light on gore and scares, but nonetheless a fun matinee-style horror flick.<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;"> 2 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iS1iB3CN1SY/TqwCsszaD4I/AAAAAAAAGes/Th1VPXz02oI/s1600/madhouse+dr+death.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iS1iB3CN1SY/TqwCsszaD4I/AAAAAAAAGes/Th1VPXz02oI/s320/madhouse+dr+death.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: yellow;">"The Doctor's on smoke break, baby. Blow."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-size: x-small;"> (image borrowed from the excellent horror-centric tumblr, <a href="http://beautyandterrordance.tumblr.com/">Where Beauty and Terror Dance</a>. Check it out!)</span></div>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-20606057925863050032011-10-28T08:46:00.000-05:002011-10-28T08:46:51.448-05:00Spider Forest (2004): or, What Tangled Webs We Weave<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3iZXgx_VGsw/Tqqx-wV5tyI/AAAAAAAAGec/YKE32H_kLk0/s1600/spider-forest-dvd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3iZXgx_VGsw/Tqqx-wV5tyI/AAAAAAAAGec/YKE32H_kLk0/s320/spider-forest-dvd.jpg" width="222" /></a></div><span id="goog_1240737959"><i style="color: orange;"><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 27!</b></i></span><br />
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<span id="goog_1240737959"> </span>TV journalist <b>Kang Min</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1165487/">Woo-seong Kam</a>) finds himself inexplicably wandering through <span style="color: lime;">a beautiful, creepy forest,</span> and soon happens upon what appears to be an abandoned cabin. Inside, however, <b style="color: red;">he discovers the mangled body of a half-naked man, his face frozen in a rictus of terror.</b> In another bedroom he finds <span style="color: lime;">his girlfriend,</span> who was apparently there for a tryst with the dead man. Also mortally wounded, the girl babbles cryptically about <i style="color: #3d85c6;">"The spiders! The spiders!"</i> before expiring in her wronged lover's arms. Hearing a noise outside, <span style="color: lime;">Kang Min chases a shadowy figure into the woods,</span> but gets waylaid with a stout tree branch to the noggin. Concussed and confused, he stumbles onto a nearby road, into a tunnel,<span style="color: red;"> and is immediately run down by an SUV!</span> As he bleeds out on the pavement, he sees a blurry, dark figure that seems strangely, impossibly familiar...<br />
<br />
Flashing back, we follow the events that led up to Kang Min's bad end--or do we? In <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0407821/"><i>Spider Forest</i></a> (2004), writer/director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0814271/" itemprop="director">Il-gon Song</a> weaves an intricate web out of his protagonist's past, present, and possible futures. At the center of the web is the mysterious <b>Min Su-Jin</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0432591/">Jung Suh</a>), an enigmatic photo developing clerk who tells him the story of the <span style="color: lime;">Spider Forest</span>--a place where ghosts who no one loves or remembers haunt the amnesiac living as eight-legged revenants. As the TV journalist spirals toward the truth, he becomes more and more entangled in his own memories, leading to (naturally) a shocking and slightly head-scratching conclusion.<br />
<br />
Some of the commenters on <i>Spider Forest</i>'s <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0407821/reviews">imdb reviews page</a> compare the style and content here to a <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000186/">David Lynch</a> film, and the comparison is apt. Though the movie has some horror elements--there's<span style="color: lime;"> a ghost story</span> in there somewhere, and the scene of the double murder is grim, especially later when Kang Min's friend detective <b>Choi </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1486994/">Hyeong-seong Jang</a>)<b><span style="color: red;"> discovers the bodies teeming with baby spiders</span></b>--but mostly this is a narrative puzzle of a Lynchian stamp, where the viewer is invited to make connections between seemingly disparate events and symbols and interpret the ending on an almost subconscious level. I don't think this flick is quite as inscrutable as much of Lynch's work, but it is tightly constructed and beautifully shot, with some stunning compositions, particularly in the forest itself and the traffic tunnel where Kang Min meets his fate.<br />
<br />
The movie doesn't have a lot of pulse-pounding action, and I would really classify it more as<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "brain-twisting drama" </span>than horror (but imdb classifies it as horror, so I'm keeping it for the Challenge!)--still, it is a very interesting movie that kept me engaged and intrigued. <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;">2.25 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VVvpnhAVqAc/Tqqxp1u2gEI/AAAAAAAAGeM/fwLlP_j2ZPk/s1600/spider+forest+tunnel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VVvpnhAVqAc/Tqqxp1u2gEI/AAAAAAAAGeM/fwLlP_j2ZPk/s1600/spider+forest+tunnel.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I just want to drive a <b>big, long semi </b>down this tunnel, <i>again and again and again!</i> I don't know why..."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-72438375139849549702011-10-27T09:12:00.007-05:002011-10-27T09:22:02.649-05:00The Cabinet of Caligari (1962): or, Crazy, Baby<div style="color: orange;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AGpcG_Jb7XQ/Tqlop1-QafI/AAAAAAAAGd0/ogvWFl9m2QQ/s1600/caligari+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AGpcG_Jb7XQ/Tqlop1-QafI/AAAAAAAAGd0/ogvWFl9m2QQ/s320/caligari+poster.jpg" width="227" /></a></div><i><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 27!</b></i></div><br />
<b>Jane Lindstrom</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0424318/">Glynis Johns</a>), a free-spirited and adventure-seeking young woman, is driving her little sports car through a mountainous stretch of countryside when her tire goes flat, forcing her to seek shelter at the palatial home of enigmatic <b>Dr. Caligari</b> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0641397/">Dan O'Herlihy</a>). After <span style="color: lime;">an extremely odd and disturbingly insinuating conversation</span>, the doctor instructs his assistant <b>Chris </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0285576/">Constance Ford</a>) to prepare a room for their new <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"guest."</span> As it turns out the Caligari estate is <i>full </i>of guests, each one more eccentric than the last and none of them in a terrible hurry to leave. As Jane's stay stretches from hours to days, she discovers weirdness upon weirdness: <span style="color: lime;">the doctor's study has a glass revolving door </span>behind its ordinary wooden one, <span style="color: red;">the gates are locked and electrically charged at night</span>, and the doctor seems inordinately interested in Jane's early sex life.<br />
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Things go from strange to threatening when <span style="color: lime;">Jane sees a leering face in the skylight window above her bathtub</span>, and later <span style="color: red;">watches Caligari's henchman <b>David</b></span><b> </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0229697/">Lawrence Dobkin</a>)<span style="color: red;"> beat lovable elderly nutcase <b>Ruth</b></span><b> </b>(the show-stealing <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0936115/">Estelle Winwood</a>) <span style="color: red;">to death with a cane! </span>Despite the reassurances of kindly old codger <b>Paul </b>and periodic visitor <b>Mark </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0202501/">Richard Davalos</a>), Jane grows more and more frantic to escape Caligari's sinister clutches--and then a shocking revelation sends her into a tailspin of phantasmagoric madness from which she might well not recover...<br />
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Until director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0443170/" itemprop="director">Roger Kay</a>'s 1962 flick <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055819/"><i>The Cabinet of Caligari</i></a> showed up on my <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"suggested for you" </span>queue, I had no idea the film even existed. (The only other version of the 1920 film <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0010323/">The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari</a></i> I knew of was the psychotronic brainfuckler <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097228/">Dr. Caligari</a></i>, made in 1989 by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0768397/" itemprop="director">Stephen Sayadian</a>). I'm glad I gave this one a chance, because Kay (working from a script by <i>Psycho </i>author <br />
<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0088645/">Robert Bloch</a>) delivers a neat update on the German-Expressionist classic, with<span style="color: lime;"> beautiful black & white cinematography, bizarre and entertaining dialogue, and some truly odd images</span> that will stay in your mind for quite a while.<br />
<br />
The differences between this movie and its inspiration are significant. Here Caligari is a controlling Freudian madman,<span style="color: red;"> keeping Jane against her will and taunting her with scarcely glimpsed perversities.</span> Kay and Bloch do away with the somnambulist <b>Cesar </b>and the carnival setting, focusing instead on the implications of the earlier film's ending. But while the majority of the action seems much more<span style="color: #3d85c6;"> "real world"</span> than in Weine's film, the climax in which Jane descends fully into madness is a real stunner. One particular sequence in which <b><span style="color: red;">Jane sees a baker pulling loaves of bread shaped like infants out of a blazing oven</span></b> even seems to prefigure David Lynch's <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074486/"><i>Eraserhead</i></a> in both theme and imagery--in fact, I would not be surprised to learn this film was a direct influence on that one.<br />
<br />
The actors seem to pitch their performances to match the strangeness of the material. <b>O'Herlihy</b>, best known among horror geeks as the sinister Samhain stealer <span style="color: lime;">Conal Cochran</span> from <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085636/"><i>Halloween III</i></a>, delivers his lines with such an odd accent and cadence that <span style="color: red;">he seems almost like an alien from another planet impersonating Bela Lugosi.</span><b> Glynis Johns</b>'s voice sounds <span style="color: lime;">like that of a particularly fluffy kitten that wandered into Dr. Moreau's transformation room</span>, and her dreamy, high-pitched delivery never lets you doubt she's not entirely anchored in the real world. And <b>Robert Bloch</b>'s dialogue--<span style="color: magenta;">poetic, unnatural, and just plain weird</span>--somehow manages to fit in perfectly.<br />
<br />
Fans of the silent film by <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0927468/" itemprop="director">Robert Wiene</a>--indeed any student of horror films worth his or her salt--will not be surprised by the explanation for the strange happenings at Chez Caligari. Nonetheless, <i>The Cabinet of Caligari</i> is a deeply odd and beautifully made film, and one that fans of the classics would do well to rediscover. <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;">3 thumbs. </b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--YA7CjU8eGQ/Tqlopv1vY4I/AAAAAAAAGds/e0hijRydIS4/s1600/caligari+grab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--YA7CjU8eGQ/Tqlopv1vY4I/AAAAAAAAGds/e0hijRydIS4/s320/caligari+grab.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"It will be morning soon. Halloween morning. A very busy day for me." </td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4032450846239938332.post-3473416181997197602011-10-26T09:21:00.002-05:002011-10-26T11:28:20.000-05:00Dreamaniac (1986): or, Pour Some Caro On Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fB5hSqKE8nY/TqfpNAbt3TI/AAAAAAAAGdY/W3sB5Cu52Kc/s1600/dreamaniac+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-fB5hSqKE8nY/TqfpNAbt3TI/AAAAAAAAGdY/W3sB5Cu52Kc/s320/dreamaniac+cover.jpg" width="201" /></a></div><div style="color: orange;"><i><b>October Horror Movie Challenge, Day 25!</b></i></div><br />
Heavy metal musician and songwriter <b>Adam </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0075963/">Thomas Bern</a>) is housesitting for a friend, spending his days smoking cigarettes,<span style="color: red;"> ironing his Def Leppard t-shirts</span>, and<span style="color: lime;"> researching new lyrics in his large library of occult grimoires.</span> It seems that despite having a <span style="color: yellow;">smokin' hawt, punk rock riot grrrl</span> girlfriend in <b>Pat </b>(80s porn legend <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0570896/">Ashlyn Gere</a>, here credited as <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"Kim McKay"</span>), he still wants more carnal satisfaction--which thanks to his researches soon arrives in the form of small-chested, blood-spattered succubus <b>Lily </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0838801/">Sylvia Summers</a>). As Adam battles his <span style="color: red;">disturbing sex dreams</span> and struggles to find a rhyme for <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"METULL,"</span> Pat and her mousy sister Jodi (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0677263/">Lauren Peterson</a>) prepare for<span style="color: yellow;"> a rockin' house party</span>--the kind of <b>Gathering of Stereotypes</b> that only happens in 80s movies.<br />
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On the guest list are rich snob <b>Francis </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0186555/">Cynthia Crass</a>), who has designs on Jodi's out-of-her-league football player boyfriend <b>Brad </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0490845/">Brad Laughlin</a>); Valley Girls <b>Jan </b>and <b>Rosie </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0915190/">Linda Denise Martin</a> and <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0256318/">Lisa Emery</a>); specs-wearing nerd <b>Jamie </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0670831/">Bob Pelham</a>) and skinny Jughead-style glutton <b>Foster </b>(<a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0679821/">Matthew Phelps</a>). Don't get too attached to any of them though--Lily's crashing the party, and is <span style="color: red;">thirsty for sex and blood</span>, not necessarily in that order.<br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;">"An original made-for-video feature film"</span> produced in 1986, <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0124442/">Dreamaniac</a> </i>is cheap, stupid, and a whole lot of fun. This is perhaps the most awkward house party in the history of partying, possibly because each of the attendees is the only representative of his or her clique and would never associate with any of the other partygoers in their natural high school environment. Things heat up as the night wears on, though: either due to the influence of <span style="color: red;">an ancient sex-demon</span> or else <span style="color: lime;">good old teenage hormones</span>, sooner or later most of the girls and guys get undressed and do that horizontal bop. Director <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0213983/">David DeCoteau</a> (<a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092795/" itemprop="performerIn"><i>Creepozoids</i></a>, <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096142/">Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama</a></i>, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0265105/" itemprop="performerIn"><i>The Brotherhood</i></a>) is clearly more interested in <b style="color: red;">Man Meat</b> than girlflesh, though, so there are plenty of <span style="color: yellow;">gratuitous butt-shots</span> for the ladies...and dudes too, for that matter. There's also more than one illustration of <span style="color: red;">why you should never accept a blowjob from a demon</span>, a BDSM scene that leads to <span style="color: lime;">a package-jiggling electrocution</span>, a final showdown in which Jodi and Pat must<span style="color: red;"> fight their way through the reanimated zombie corpses of their friends</span> to get to Adam and Lily, <span style="color: lime;">a decapitation by power drill</span> (<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">wha?</span></span>), and a <span style="color: #3d85c6;">"stinger"</span> ending that makes almost as little sense as that of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082748/"><i>Pieces</i></a>. <br />
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The acting is all broad, high-school level, as the cast is full of first- (and only- ) time actors. The notable exception is <b>Gere</b>, who perhaps unsurprisingly gives the most natural, engaging performance in the film.The fashions and set design are almost a parody of the movie's own era--watch particularly for <b><span style="color: magenta;">Francis' amazing knit sweater</span></b> and <span style="color: yellow;">Jan's side-ponytail and skin-tight yellow jumpsuit.</span> Dialogue is bad but in a strangely charming way, and the gore is mostly of the caro-syrup variety. DeCoteau's direction is competent, though he does rely rather heavily on <i>slllloooooowwww</i> pans and tracking shots, especially early on.<br />
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In my youth, when I would load up on VHS rentals every Friday, snatching anything off the shelves that looked even remotely like a horror flick, <i>Dreamaniac </i>would have been just the kind of fun, goofy ride I was looking for. Your enjoyment will depend on how well you like your DTV cheese. For me, <span style="font-size: large;"><b style="color: yellow;">2 thumbs.</b></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BQTrJm3JGCk/TqfpNpuDP-I/AAAAAAAAGdg/ZEAGbvvU0yo/s1600/dreamaniac+drill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BQTrJm3JGCk/TqfpNpuDP-I/AAAAAAAAGdg/ZEAGbvvU0yo/s320/dreamaniac+drill.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr style="color: yellow;"><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"OK, Jodi--you know the drill."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The Vicar of VHShttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06832137990485130735noreply@blogger.com4