Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Frenchman's Garden (1978): or, Iberian Psycho

In his autobiography, Memoirs of a Wolfman, Paul Naschy devotes an entire chapter to two films from what he calls his most "personal phase," neither of which have been widely seen this side of the Atlantic. One is the tour de force El Caminante (1979, previously reviewed here), a sprawlingly ambitious mixture of folklore, horror, and humor that is, in this humble Vicar's opinion, one of the artist's finest hours. The other is the even less well-known period-piece thriller, El huerto del Francés (1978), also known as The Frenchman's Garden. Naschy himself counts this as "one of my most emblematic and highest quality films," and says he is proud to be able to include the movie in his lengthy filmography. With hype like that, of course, it had to be seen by me. What wonders awaited? What could I expect from something so lauded and favored by the Mighty Molina himself?

Well, parishioners, The Frenchman's Garden is a film that counters expectations, I think consciously. Legend and imdb trivia has it that Naschy purposefully removed his name as an actor from the promotional material for the flick, despite essaying the lead role and sharing writing duties. He was credited only as director, and only under his real name, Jacinto Molina, in order to prevent audiences from assuming this was his usual monster-filled romp. And indeed, although it depicts acts of murder, cruelty, and remorseless evil, this is not your usual Naschy flick.

You can't have a Naschy flick without one scene like this.


Set around the turn of the 20th century in Peñaflor, Spain, the film tells the (mostly) true story of of Juan Andrés Aldije (Naschy), an innkeeper and businessman known as "El Francés,"or "The Frenchman," because of his rumored Gallic blood. Though married to the daughter of one of the richest men in the village, Juan prefers to earn his own money, which he does by renting rooms, serving drinks, and occasionally pimping out his waitresses while running an illegal gambling den. It's a cottage industry, and very lucrative, although not lucrative enough for Juan and his partner, José Muñoz Lopera (José Calvo)--they have a get-rich-quicker scheme detailed in the emotive and expository opening theme song by Rosa León:
He's Juan Aldije, 'The Frenchman,'
and he doesn't like his fate at all,
along with Muñoz Lopera,
he's bound to make a strong business.


The Frenchman's got a house,
which they turn it into a gambling den.
THE FRENCHMAN'S ORCHARD.
Where women serve you with
some sly and spurious love.


In that accursed place
where the poor couldn't come in
happily the rich,
spent their money plenty.


As gambling is forbidden,
their business is illegal.
But they don't care at all,
'cause they make lots of money.


If anyone tries to resist,
and doesn't let himself be fooled,
they take him into the orchard,
and brutally kill him.
If I had a nickel...

And that's exactly what happens. In between saying all the right things to his lovely and pious wife Elvira (Julia Saly of Night of the Werewolf [1980] and many other Naschy flicks) and slipping a length of Molina meat to his mistress and head hooker Charo (Ágata Lys), Juan lures rich businessmen to his inn on the pretense of entertaining them with women and games of chance. Because gambling is illegal, the gamblers tell no one of their errand, which ends with Juan giving them a shovel to the head, stealing all their gambling money, and planting them in the "garden" out back like so many tulip bulbs awaiting the Springtime of JUSTICE.

In the opening scenes we see Juan's character developed through his interactions with others. Naschy plays The Frenchman as the epitome of cool, calm, and collected villainy. Juan is absolutely unflappable, never getting excited or losing his temper, always quick with just the right response to any question, be it from his suspicious wife, his jealous lover, or the town doctor. (He is also, of course, absolutely irresistible to women.) The only time he shows any strong emotion is when Elvira suggests they take money from her father, or when someone threatens one of his whores. (For instance, at one point a group of drunken ruffians decide to humiliate one of his girls for fun, whipping her naked back and riding her around the room like a horse. Juan still stays calm, but a vicious flame in his eyes causes the greater-in-number gang to back down in fear.) As the coffers fill and the tomatoes he grows in the backyard win more and more tasting contests, Juan looks forward to the day when he can throw his hard-earned wealth in his disapproving father-in-law's face.

Scheduling is really the toughest part.

Alas, the path of remorseless slaughter never did run smooth, and Juan's case is no exception. The speedbumps on the road to riches arrive on the upper body of Andrea (María José Cantudo), a young girl from a neighboring town who is in love with Juan, and as a natural result is also carrying his child. (Given the level of Naschismo that rolls off The Frenchman in waves, it's surprising he hasn't impregnated the entire countryside by this point!) Again, Juan takes the matter in stride, calming the weeping girl and reassuring her that she did the right thing in coming to him.

From the moment she arrives, Andrea is nothing but a bosom-revealing load of troubles. Juan puts her up at the Orchard, where on her first night she very nearly spies Juan and Jose disposing of a rich cattle baron. Moreover, Charo's jealousy soon leads to catfights and attempted breast-brandings with a hot clothes iron. (Hey, you'd do the same thing if someone was trying to take Naschy from you!) Alarmed by all the time he's spending at the Orchard (consoling Andrea), Elvira gets more and more insistent about taking Daddy's cash. Still cool but feeling things starting to spin out of control, Juan hatches a plan to neutralize the ticking time bomb that is Andrea's uterus and also get out of the innkeeping/gambling/pimping/throatcutting business once and for all.

"Now please, just try to relax."

The first problem is solved when Juan hires a midwife to perform an abortion for Andrea, wooing the lovestruck girl with promises of his undying love and a better life together. The abortion scene is an unsettling but powerfully staged sequence, as Charo and one of the other prostitutes hold the distraught mother-not-to-be down on a table while the crone goes about her bloody business. It resembles nothing so much as a ritual sacrifice, Andrea the lamb laid out for the slaughter, with periodic close-ups on her beatifically resigned face interspersed with shots of a very nasty looking knitting needle. There's also a bit of graphic genital nudity that is shocking now, and must have been even more so in 1970s Spain. Andrea writhes and screams like a tortured soul in Hell, but she survives the operation.

The second problem is a bit more thorny, but Juan has one final big score planned, their richest victim yet: a homosexual treasurer with the local salt mines whose transport of the monthly payroll promises to finally put the killers over the top and into long-term financial security. But Juan makes an atypcial miscalculation when he prematurely tries to pimp Andrea out before she's fully healed, and upon her refusal reveals that he never intended to leave Elvira for her. Hell hath no fury like a woman you've tricked into an abortion and then tried to prostitute, and Andrea gets her revenge by scuttling the plans and ratting out Juan to the local police, who of course take a strong interest in his unorthodox gardening and fertilization methods...

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
The Frenchman's Garden has a lot of horror-type elements, but they are much more subtly done here than one might expect given Naschy's reputation for gore. The murders are mostly seen from a distance, and over quickly with minimal blood; the only exception is the final axe murder of the treasurer, which is all the more effective for the previous restraint. (A later scene with the constables digging up rotted human remains from the garden while Juan looks coolly on also packs a wallop.) There is plenty of the Naschy-style sexuality on display, though, as Juan's trysts with Charo are captured in great detail, and Lys shows off her excellent body almost throughout.
But that's it for typical Naschy boobs and blood. Instead, the film's focus is mainly on the character of the Frenchman and the women in his life--a character-driven tragedy/drama rather than a thriller or horror flick. And it works--performances are great all around, particularly from Lys and Cantudo. And Calvo, mostly a deadpan sidekick throughout, summons some excellent dramatic chops in his final scene, a deliberately paced and historically accurate execution by garrote that is as unnerving as any imagined horror.

Transvestite dwarf doing the Cha-Cha? It must be Tuesday at the Duke's place!

But the movie is Naschy's of course, and he carries it on his big, beefy shoulders with assurance and grace. His portrayal of Juan is a far cry from the sneering villainy of Alaric de Marngac or Amenhotep the Mummy--The Frenchman is all calm, wearing his confidence like a mask, completely closed off and unconcerned with the damage he causes to those around him so long as he gets what he wants. In that he reminded me just a little of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, though without the same manic interludes that were that character's signature. (Paul does pull out the Crazy Face in that final axe murder, however, and again to great effect thanks to the previous restraint.) His final scene, walking to his death and trading pleasantries with the executioner, refusing the blindfold ("No way. Let them see me. Let them remember the face of man when he's being strangled. Let them remember it for life!") calls to mind James Cagney in his cocky gangster roles, all swagger and defiance. It's a powerful performance, and a unique one in Naschy's filmography.

I can only guess at why Naschy considered this such a personal film, but I suspect it's because, for me, this is one of the most inherently Spanish films in his body of work. Set in Spain and detailing an actual historical event, the movie is scored with traditional Spanish guitar music and utilizes actual locations and costuming. Perhaps this along with the clearly dramatic rather than horror-focused nature of the role made Paul feel it was more his--his story, his history--or maybe he felt he was showing at last what he could do without the werewolf makeup or gallons of grue. In his autobiography, he proudly remembers a compliment from director José María Forqué on the film: "You've made a magnificent picture. The dark side of deepest Spain at the turn of the century has seldom been so well recreated as in El huerto del Francés."

Sure, it's gross, but you should taste Juan's paella.
Though fans looking for a blood-soaked thriller or mile-a-minute monster mash might be confounded by it, The Frenchman's Garden is clearly a labor of love by its director and star, and a powerful dramatic film in its own right. Here's hoping that, like so many other of Naschy's films, this one gets the rediscovery and consideration it deserves. 3 Thumbs.


Au revoir, mon ami.

MORE MADNESS...

Monday, November 29, 2010

NASCHY BLOGATHON LINKS for November 29, part 2!


The hits just keep a-comin' on this first day of the Naschyfest! Here's some more great reading from Naschy fans far and wide:

  • And the mysterious and mesmerizing Vila Wolf contributes a Massive Mosaic of Molina, with nearly 200 icons of the icon himself! An amazing piece of work!

Keep sending those links  to me at vicarofvhs@gmail.com, or via the comments here! Next link-list tomorrow around lunchtime. And if I've overlooked you somehow, don't keep quiet about it! Please let me know!

More Naschy goodness in store tomorrow!

Excitedly,
The Vicar

    MORE MADNESS...

    NASCHY BLOGATHON LINKS for Monday, November 29!


     The Paul Naschy Blogathon is off to a roaring start, thanks to some great contributions from some fantastic bloggers! We've got reviews of some of Naschy's well-loved flicks, some obscurities that may have even hardcore fans scratching their heads, some tributes to the man and his characters, and even a DMV connection! Unpossible, you say? Read on!

    • Also, at his tumblr, Darius offers a rare glimpse of the testosterone-dripping Paul Naschy as you've seldom seen him before: in drag!

    A great start to a great week! I'll be updating the list later in the day, so if you are posting after lunch, or if I missed someone, please let me know either in the comments or via email at vicarofvhs@gmail.com! Thanks to everyone who's chimed in so far, and thanks everyone who plans to in the coming days!

    Bunnies,
    The Vicar

    MORE MADNESS...

    Vicar-ious Verse: "Jacinto Meets the Wolf Man" (a sonnet)

    "The lights went out and the magic began ... After the film I went out into the street in a trance ... From that day on Larry Talbot was my hero. I even recall that, on one occasion when my mother asked me what I wanted to be when  I grew up, I replied, 'A werewolf.' You should have seen the look on her face!"

    --Paul Naschy, recalling his first viewing of Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man as a boy
    from Memoirs of a Wolfman (Luminary Press, 1997, translated by Mike Hodges).


    Where did it start, Jacinto? In the tomb,
    the coffin stuffed with wolfsbane? Talbot's peace
    disturbed when robbers bared him to the moon,
    and fell before mad, immortal beast?

    Or later, at the feast of the New Wine--
    the cursed man's torment, never understood?
    Or in the ruins of Castle Frankenstein
    where legends fought and fell before the flood?

    I wish I could have watched you--still a boy--
    while monsters dragged your soul into the screen;
    I wish I could have looked you in the eye.
    I might have watched it start; I might have seen
    the swelling of that childlike, boundless joy
    that lived in you, and now will never die.


    --S. Standridge
    "The Vicar of VHS"

    MORE MADNESS...

    THE PAUL NASCHY BLOGATHON STARTS NOW!

    Yes, parishioners, the time has finally come! This week at Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies and around the web, we're celebrating all things Naschy in this international blogathon! Can you taste the excitment?

    The Duke and I will be posting links to the blogathon-related posts as they become available, so check back here throughout the day to keep apprised of the latest Naschy items going up. And of course we'll be celebrating the great man here too as the week goes on, with a few new reviews, some guest posts, and even more tributes to the legacy of the Mighty Mighty Molina! 

    So get out the red wine, stoke the fire, and LET THE NASCHYFEST BEGIN!!!

    "Paul Naschy" by Ash Loydon of Arena of the Unwell

    MORE MADNESS...

    Saturday, November 20, 2010

    DVD Review: Dolla Morte (2006)

    Greetings friends!  It is I, the Duke of DVD, once more exhuming the corpse that is MAD cinema, and then proceeding to parade its moldering corpse through the streets of your local prefecture.  "But Duke!" you ejaculate, spraying orange dust from so many Cheetos out of your flattened, malformed maize-hole, "aren't the dead better left buried?!"  Normally this would be true, dearest reader.  One does not step lightly into the realm of necromancy.  I can attest to this.  But like a rutting pig, starved for attention now that its beloved owner, the Vicar, has left it for a new Pot Bellied, dig these truffles up I must!  How else will the Interwebs at large learn of such rotten stinkburgers as what I'm about to inflict upon thee?!

    Inflict I must, dearest friends, for you too should know the horror the Duke has to endure on your behalf.  Oh sure, I sit upon a mahogany dais, polished for centuries by blind eunuchs, wrapped in my white tiger Snuggie, sipping a cocktail composed of gypsy orphan tears and sweet vermouth.  This luxury does not spare me, though, when the likes of Dolla Morte (newly released from MVD Entertainment) befoul the Ducal Blu-Ray Player!  Not all is lost, however, as you shall see.

    Shall we begin?

    Dolla Morte is a movie created by the evil genius (uh... I hate to use that word, but I'm afraid it's applicable here) Bill Zebub, a name which I wish I had thought of first.  An overly long explanation (I would say apology) starts the film, seemingly narrated by a King Diamond doll.  The end of the disclaimer--which basically says "Hey, this will piss you off if you aren't open-minded, and sorry if you are a celebrity we make fun of!"--lets us know that Bill Zebub wrote the liner notes for King Diamond's most excellent album Abigail, so he's got that going for him.  Credentials secure, we are launched into Bill's mind, which consists of an overly convoluted plot relating to immortality, death, and lots of violent sex.... and it's all done with dolls.


    The director really wants you to know he's sorry for what's about to happen...

    Now, the real mad genius here is, with dolls, anything goes.  Movies like Team America and shows like "Robot Chicken" (both of which are Ducal favorites) have taught us that with the use of dolls, nothing is beyond the realm of possibility.  The movie starts off with a rescue party searching for a missing woman, who happens to be the wife of one of the rescuers.  A serial killer has kidnapped her and has her tied to a chair. Very quickly, we know we aren't in Kansas anymore, as the killer strips the woman down to nothing and proceeds to have sex with her.  Keep in mind folks, this is done with fucking dolls, ok?  A prosthetic (ugh) penis has been attached to a Ken doll (at least it looks like a Ken doll--lots of Barbie-related merchandise in this movie) and a hole drilled into the female doll for this purpose.  This climaxes with a doll squirting semen.

    And now I have to take a shower for having typed that last sentence.

    The Vlad the Impaler Playset, new from Hasbro. (Traumatized NATO Peacekeeper figure sold separately)

    Folks, I'm going to eschew my normal play-by-play because to type out this movie's plot would take the better part of 20,000 words or somewhere near that.  The movie even gives a Cliff's Notes rundown at the end, detailing the plot just in case you didn't get it all.  And it's a lot to get!  You have President George W. Bush plotting to become immortal by drinking vampire blood.  You have the Pope, first shitting in the woods (so that question's answered, at least) and then being sodomized by a long crucifix.  There are numerous female dolls being impaled, set on fire, raped, etc.  Hitler joins in on the fun.  Armies of soldier dolls wage warfare on each other.  My sanity could barely remain intact!

    HOLY...ah, never mind, too easy

    Oddly enough, I actually liked quite a bit of the movie.  Overall it was terrible, don't get me wrong, but it did have some redeeming values.  Several scenes had me chuckling as I shook my head and tried to keep my rising gorge down.  Others had me recoiling in disgust, while others still had me in rapt attention.  Friends, if a movie can do all of that, to one as jaded as yours truly, well then, you have yourselves something worthy of at least an afternoon glance, no?

    "I can see my house from here!"

    In the end, Bill Zebub and friends have taken their time to craft a stop-motion extravaganza full of doll pubic hair, doll rapey action, and doll-on-doll violence.  With a message, even.  What that message is perhaps gets lost in the rapey-ness, but hey, who are we to cast stones?  The question is, was I entertained?  The answer to that is:

    One and a Half Thumbs Up

    *Note - the half thumb is for the Pope being sodomized.  That scene alone was worth the price of admission, for me.  You have been warned, my dearest readers.*

    *Note 2: MVD provided a copy of this film to MMMMMovies for review purposes, and the Vicar foisted it upon the Duke as punishment for an unspecified but doubtless deserved grievance. *



    Godwin'd

    The Ilsa & Friends Saturday Morning Kids show lasted only one and a half seasons.


    MORE MADNESS...

    Wednesday, November 17, 2010

    DVD Review: GG Allin & the AIDS Brigade, Live in Boston 1989

    It's probably safe to say that most of the world has no idea who singer-songwriter/performer GG Allin was. It's also probably safe to say that most of these are happier not knowing.

    Among the few who do know of him and his work, Allin is justifiably infamous. Noted for his abrasive punk rock music and legendarily extreme live performances, Allin claimed to see himself as "the last real rock n'roller," reasoning that true rock n' roll should be confrontational, rebellious, and even dangerous. This manifested in his lyrics--which were often unabashedly misogynistic, misanthropic, racist, and lauditory of drugs, rape, and even pedophilia--but most famously through his concerts, which were less musical performances than displays of aggression, hatred, and personal degradation. Allin routinely performed his entire sets naked, bloodied himself on the microphone, destroyed equipment and leapt into the audience to physically assault his "fans." He would defecate and urinate onstage, sometimes rolling in or even eating his own excrement. He promised in interviews, quite seriously, that one day he would commit suicide onstage. His shows were routinely ended not by Allin himself, but by apalled club owners pulling the plug or the local police forcibly shutting him down.

    For those fascinated by Allin as a figure in underground music, or perhaps just morbidly interested in the musician's legendary spectacle, the new DVD from MVD Entertainment, GG Allin and the AIDS Brigate: Live in Boston, 1989, delivers all one could hope for or fear. It also offers cultural anthropologists and psychologists and fascinating if disturbing look at one of the most extreme, violent, and self-destructive figures in American rock n' roll.

    Allin, rockin' with his cock in (for a change)

    The DVD actually presents three live performances by Allin--the titular gig and then two "bonus shows" recorded on consecutive nights in 1993 (in Seattle, WA, and Portland, OR, respectively). Of the three, the Boston show is by far the most tame. Allegedly because Allin had already been banned from most clubs in Boston at the time, he and his band The AIDS Brigade hit on the idea of dressing in drag in order to smuggle GG in for the gig. We see rehearsal footage of GG and the Band going through the set, which is businesslike and uneventful--just a normal punk band going through their songs. Likewise, footage of the band getting made-up before the gig shows a young, fresh-faced, and possibly stoned Allin joking with the band members, discussing changes to the set list, and basically acting like a normal human being rather than a raving, drooling lunatic. Having read a lot about the man's more infamous antics, this was not at all what I had expected.

    The gig itself also confounded those expectations. Obviously filmed by a friend of the band using low-end home video equipment, the footage shows again a relatively normal-seeming punk rock band--albeit dressed in garish drag--running through their songs in front of an appreciative and honestly rather muted crowd. Never having heard any of Allin's songs, I admit I was surprised by how solid the band was musically. Sure, it's noisy at times and Allin's voice is a gruff, gravelly rasp, but he is at least intelligible, and at its core the music is basically straightforward, driving rock n'roll. The only real extreme parts here are the lyrics, as Allin growls through such "hits" as "Cunt on the Loose," "I Wanna Rape You," and the diabolically catchy "Expose Yourself to Kids." Toward the end of the show Allin does lift his skirt and flash his penis at the crowd briefly, but nobody--neither the club owner nor the laughing, chattering crowd--seems too bent out of shape about it.

    After that short gig was over--from beginning to end it's just over half an hour, not counting the pre-gig footage--I was beginning to wonder if maybe all the myth of GG Allin had been hyped out of proportion; whether the shocking transgressions of the past had been rendered quaint with the passage of time, as so often happens in art.

    Then--I watched the "bonus shows."

    There are quite literally NO screengrabs I could get from the bonus shows that would be publishable on Blogger. Therefore, here's a shot of Allin and his band rehearsing, fully clothed and unbefouled by excretia...as far as I can tell.
    Seattle, Washington: 1993. GG Allin and 3/4 of his band the Murder Junkies are standing on a brightly lit stage, waiting for their guitar player to arrive. Allin is dressed in combat boots, underwear, a dog collar and an infantry helmet, and nothing else. A large black tarp is spread on the stage, and Allin removes his underwear and stalks naked before the crowd, covered in jailhouse tattoos and sweat. He rips the pages from a Bible and sets them on fire in the middle of the stage. Allin defecates and urinates onstage, rolls around in the excrement and ashes, and uses a turkey baster to administer a self-enema. Finally the guitarist arrives, and the show starts in earnest.

    Something has clearly happened to Allin since the show in Boston, as now he's the raving lunatic I'd been led to expect. (He explains later that he has just been released from prison--details on the unsettling reasons behind his incarceration are available on his Wikipedia page.) He runs through many of the songs from the previous show, completely naked, stopping only to taunt the crowd, inviting women up to urinate on him and daring men either to come up and suck his cock or else present theirs for Allin to suck. (Strangely, no takers on either offer.) He cuts his own forehead open on the microphone and is soon covered with blood as well as excrement and sweat. He leaps into the crowd and is pummelled by the bravest of the concertgoers, sometimes striking back, others simply taking it. He rips the shirt off one female "fan," and pulls a hapless and completely unwilling girl from the backstage area while he sings "I Wanna Rape You," making the viewer worry that an actual sexual assault may be in the offing. (Apparently the stage hands were concerned about this as well, as they eventually drag him off her and shuffle the thankful girl offstage.) Allin gets more and more out of control, throwing heavy mike stands into the crowd and rolling around in the filth onstage, finally draping the dripping tarp over himself like a cloak. The show ends when the club owners cut the power to the amps, enraging Allin and sending the naked rocker into the crowd in search of violence.

    The next night in Portland Allin repeats many of the same acts--the fire (this time lighting up a Bible and a t-shirt for the band Sub-Pop, whom he calls "The Ruiners of Rock n' Roll"), the defecation, the enemas. Even his leaps into the pit and backward rolls back onto the stage--exposing his anus to the crowd--have a certain oddly scripted quality. What's not scripted is the escalating violence of this gig compared to the last. Allin throws his mic into the crowd like a bolo, many times connecting with the heads of attendees. His fights with his "fans" are more violent and extended, as he gives and gets boots to the head, punches to the face, and wads of juicy spit. Allin destroys three or four microphones, shouting some songs at the top of his lungs without amplification. This show ends in a near riot, and Allin--whether infuriated by the lights going out in the club, or sensing that the crowd was turning even uglier than usual--abruptly grabs his gear and flees the stage.

    Really, describing these concerts is like describing a car wreck; watching them is like watching some plotless Japanese body-horror flick--the Guinea Pig series, maybe. Only it's real. Even if much of it was just performance, the things that happen actually happen, and watching Allin rolling onstage, threatening and attacking and degrading the audience and himself, is like watching a madman's visions of a tormented soul in Hell come to life.

    Allin and company get prettified before the Boston gig

    After my viewing, I wondered why MVD had released this dvd as "live in Boston," spotlighting the tamest of the three shows. Is there some legal chicanery at work? Would they have more likely faced censure for selling the naked, coprophagus, violent shows as the "main event," and sought some measure of protection by designating the extreme performances as "bonus material"? Perhaps--I don't know. But viewed as a progression, the gigs show a journey from relative sanity to complete self-destructive madness. Maybe this is a false perception--maybe Allin was just as bad in 1989. Still, it's a viewing that's stuck with me, disturbed me, and continues to fascinate.

    Would I recommend this DVD? Not to the casual viewer, certainly. You need to know what you're getting into. If you're interested in Allin as a figure, in extreme underground music from the late 80s/early 90s in America, or in visual and mental endurance tests, then yes, this is for you. As for everyone else--maybe it's better you don't know.

    Buy the DVD from MVD, if you dare.

    It's All Downhill from Here

    MORE MADNESS...

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