Inflict I must, dearest friends, for you too should know the horror the Duke has to endure on your behalf. Oh sure, I sit upon a mahogany dais, polished for centuries by blind eunuchs, wrapped in my white tiger Snuggie, sipping a cocktail composed of gypsy orphan tears and sweet vermouth. This luxury does not spare me, though, when the likes of Dolla Morte (newly released from MVD Entertainment) befoul the Ducal Blu-Ray Player! Not all is lost, however, as you shall see.
Shall we begin?
Dolla Morte is a movie created by the evil genius (uh... I hate to use that word, but I'm afraid it's applicable here) Bill Zebub, a name which I wish I had thought of first. An overly long explanation (I would say apology) starts the film, seemingly narrated by a King Diamond doll. The end of the disclaimer--which basically says "Hey, this will piss you off if you aren't open-minded, and sorry if you are a celebrity we make fun of!"--lets us know that Bill Zebub wrote the liner notes for King Diamond's most excellent album Abigail, so he's got that going for him. Credentials secure, we are launched into Bill's mind, which consists of an overly convoluted plot relating to immortality, death, and lots of violent sex.... and it's all done with dolls.
|The director really wants you to know he's sorry for what's about to happen...|
Now, the real mad genius here is, with dolls, anything goes. Movies like Team America and shows like "Robot Chicken" (both of which are Ducal favorites) have taught us that with the use of dolls, nothing is beyond the realm of possibility. The movie starts off with a rescue party searching for a missing woman, who happens to be the wife of one of the rescuers. A serial killer has kidnapped her and has her tied to a chair. Very quickly, we know we aren't in Kansas anymore, as the killer strips the woman down to nothing and proceeds to have sex with her. Keep in mind folks, this is done with fucking dolls, ok? A prosthetic (ugh) penis has been attached to a Ken doll (at least it looks like a Ken doll--lots of Barbie-related merchandise in this movie) and a hole drilled into the female doll for this purpose. This climaxes with a doll squirting semen.
And now I have to take a shower for having typed that last sentence.
|The Vlad the Impaler Playset, new from Hasbro. (Traumatized NATO Peacekeeper figure sold separately)|
Folks, I'm going to eschew my normal play-by-play because to type out this movie's plot would take the better part of 20,000 words or somewhere near that. The movie even gives a Cliff's Notes rundown at the end, detailing the plot just in case you didn't get it all. And it's a lot to get! You have President George W. Bush plotting to become immortal by drinking vampire blood. You have the Pope, first shitting in the woods (so that question's answered, at least) and then being sodomized by a long crucifix. There are numerous female dolls being impaled, set on fire, raped, etc. Hitler joins in on the fun. Armies of soldier dolls wage warfare on each other. My sanity could barely remain intact!
|HOLY...ah, never mind, too easy|
Oddly enough, I actually liked quite a bit of the movie. Overall it was terrible, don't get me wrong, but it did have some redeeming values. Several scenes had me chuckling as I shook my head and tried to keep my rising gorge down. Others had me recoiling in disgust, while others still had me in rapt attention. Friends, if a movie can do all of that, to one as jaded as yours truly, well then, you have yourselves something worthy of at least an afternoon glance, no?
|"I can see my house from here!"|
In the end, Bill Zebub and friends have taken their time to craft a stop-motion extravaganza full of doll pubic hair, doll rapey action, and doll-on-doll violence. With a message, even. What that message is perhaps gets lost in the rapey-ness, but hey, who are we to cast stones? The question is, was I entertained? The answer to that is:
One and a Half Thumbs Up
*Note - the half thumb is for the Pope being sodomized. That scene alone was worth the price of admission, for me. You have been warned, my dearest readers.*
*Note 2: MVD provided a copy of this film to MMMMMovies for review purposes, and the Vicar foisted it upon the Duke as punishment for an unspecified but doubtless deserved grievance. *
|The Ilsa & Friends Saturday Morning Kids show lasted only one and a half seasons.|