A MAD Look Back: the Top Ten MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010

It's the season of the year, friends and parishioners, when the arbitrary, artificial constructs of Clock and Calendar converge to force upon one's usually unwilling consciousness grim considerations about growing old, about saying goodbye to loved ones and cherished events, about the diminishing number of trips around the sun alotted to each of us--to wit, the Passage of Time. Ah, Time, which stands still for no man! Time, the Maniac scattering dust! Rider of the ever-nearing winged chariot, the All-Devourer, the Collector of Souls, the Destroyer of Kings and Bringer of Final Darkness!

Indeed, Time: thou art ayn Bitch.

But until that great Beast of Chronos lays low my mortal coil, or else nibbles my synapses to Drooling Oblivion, I can yet cling to the memories of grandeur past, and celebrate what bounties the previous calendar year has bestowed. And this is what I'm here to declaim, friends, to shout to the heavens and hold up my perhaps Ozymandaical monument, tempting thunder from the Gods.

In short: I haz a list.

I'm not the biggest fan of statistics and site reports out there, but every now and then I do pop open the ol' Analytics to see how things have fared, and often I'm pleasantly surprised by the results. So without further ado--unless you want some? Because believe me, I've got ado coming out my ears over here! No? Okay then--follow me down that famous lane of memory, as we tour the Top 10 Most Popular MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010, as determined by YOU, the readers!

So hold on, here we go!

10. Vicious Lips (1987) -- 1,397 hits

I admit I was a little shocked to see my February review of this flick cracking the top ten, but the stats don't lie. Sci-fi trash maestro Albert Pyun's inspired vision of a way-out future struck a power chord with readers and racked up damn near 1400 visits from curious onlookers and crawler-bots alike. The flick tells the story of an all-girl rock band overcoming trials, tribulations, and the vagaries of interstellar travel to make it to their big make-or-break gig on the other side of the galaxy. The takeaway: you can shipwreck the girls on an android-riddled Pleasure Planet, sic a Venusian Man-Beast/Geico Caveman on them, and even murder their lead singer in the first reel, but you just can't stop rock n' roll. Read the full review here.


9. Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990) -- 1,423 hits

Another surprise entry in the top ten, the Duke's late 2009 review of Jeff Hathcock's Troma-tastic trip to sunny Ellivnatas proved its staying power with a more than respectable number of visits. In this film, a young woman in search of her missing sister runs afoul of a group of devil-worshiping miscreants bent on impregnating somebody--anybody--with the slippery Seed of Satan. A hunkish local steps in to help, but can our heroine find the truth and escape unfertilized? The Duke tells us the heroine's designation as a "bombshell" is suspect and best, and she doesn't do much blaspheming, but how can you stand on niceties when you get gratuitous shower scenes, out-of-nowhere VW detonation, a thrilling chase interrupted by the quarry's impromptu skinny dip, and a cult with a rather backwards idea of how to get the best results from blasphemous fertility treatments? (Hint: if you want to see Satan's baby born, do NOT stab the surrogate through the heart immediately post-fertilization!) Click here to bask in the MADness.

"Dos Equis: the second 'X' is for SATAN!"

8. Mondo Topless (1966) -- 1,616 hits

Some things never go out of style, and gigantic boobs are two of them. Even though I first published the review in December of 2008, Russ Meyer's "documentary" about burlesque dancers and strippers in various states of undress still has the power to bring 14-year-old boys from all over the world a-gawkin'. And little wonder. The movie is really nothing more than a parade of physics-defyingly well-endowed women--or "buxotics," as Meyer would have them designated--dangerously shaking what the Good Lord give 'em while the narrator waxes apoplectic and the tassels and sound effects fly. Pick your favorite from among such notables as "Greta Thornwald, the Nordic Nymph, whose pulchritude is unrivaled by any showgirl in Denmark!" or "GIGI LA TOUCHE--THE GIRL WITH THE THROBBING GUITAR!"--or else just lie back and bask in the buxomness. You can check out the full review by gently caressing this link.

7. Alucarda (1978) -- 1,650 hits

What can you say about Juan López Moctezuma's dark fairy-tale masterpiece? Well, plenty, as the Duke of DVD proved in his March 2008 review. A beautiful film full of nightmare visuals, cutting allegory, and dream logic, Alucarda is the real deal, and easily in the non-ironic Top 5 of both your Mad Museum caretakers. Loosely based on Sheridan Le Fanu's novella Carmilla--as so very many movies are--this flick tells the tale of a brooding, intense young orphan and her friendship/love affair with her convent roommate, which leads to stern disapproval from their guardian religious types, administered via medieval torture implements. Oh, there's also a rain of blood, a heaping serving of nun flambe, and the first episode of the short-lived cable access show, "Nude Yoga with Satan"! A perennial favorite review here at MMMMMovies, it's not likely to leave the top 10 anytime soon. Read in wild wonder here.

"Lucifer pronounces you wife and wife. I may now sodomize the bride."

6. Zeta One (1969) -- 1,850 hits

This was the REAL shocker for me! A movie I reviewed in January 2008, which even I had never heard of before stumbling across it at the late, lamented Cosmobells blog, and have seldom seen discussed anywhere since? And yet, through the vagaries of public taste, unexpected re-runs in the UK leading to mass rekindling of interest, or else the fact that a Google search for "strip poker" led many hapless rainment-gambling enthusiasts here, the fact remains that Zeta One is our 6th most visited review of 2010. I'm glad it is, however, because I love this movie! Sometimes slow, often silly, but always entertaining, this tale of a bumbling secret agent struggling to thwart the invasion of Britain by a race of sexy Amazonian aliens is a gem ripe for rediscovery. And Yutte Stensgaard in the Altogether is nothing to sneeze at either. Read all about it by clicking here!

5. Les Demons (1972) -- 1,886 hits

The Duke rings in the top five with his sterling review of trash auteur Jess Franco's nunsploitation masterpiece. In the Duke's own words: "I must say, I absolutely loved this gem of a movie. It had everything. Satan sexing a nun doggy-style, naked nuns being put to the question, lesbian Mother Superiors who can’t control their urges, and copious shots of French bush." You can't ask for more than that, now, can you? If you like your nuns well 'sploited and your Lucifer in red leggings, you owe it to yourself to seek this one out. Click here for more information. 

Bones: Jumped

 4. The Sinful Dwarf  (1973) -- 1,921 hits

Another nearly 2-year-old review that for a long time was the undisputed top-visited page on the site. It falls a couple of spots this year after some scrappy newcomers made a strong surge, but is still firmly ensconced in the Mad Movie Pantheon of Utter Batshittery. Vidal Raski's justly infamous acme of 70s dwarfsploitation still has the power to shock and awe modern viewers, following the tribulations of a young struggling writer and his longsuffering newlywed wife as they take up residence in London's worst apartment complex. Little do they know that wind-up toy enthusiast Olaf, that most morally challenged of all Little People, has plans for the lovely new bride--plans involving heroin addiction, forced prostitution, and a truly horrific musical number. Not for the faint of heart, but required viewing for all Mad Movie fanatics. Full review here.

3. Behind Convent Walls (1977) -- 2,388 hits

The top three finally start to put appreciable distance between themselves and the other entries, and the first of the final trio is itself a triumvurate of awesome: the one and only joint review/roundtable between The Duke and the Vicar (with foreword by the inestimable Tenebrous Kate). First published back in March 2009, the three-part review of Walerian Borowczyk’s 1978 film Behind Convent Walls is our #3 hit-getter. A rambling, progressively more drunken discourse on the wonders of this ne plus ultra entry in the nunsploitation subgenre, this post encompasses such subjects as Holy Dildos, the importance of the Sword Cane to effective convent management, and a healthy dose of off-topic and inappropriate Naschy love. Full disclosure--part 1 is the top vistited of the three, with part 2 gaining 2,043 hits, and part three falling off steeply to 925, doubtless due to the piece's progressive incoherence. Still, the clicks don't lie--this one has staying power. Read Part One here, Part 2 here, and the underappreciated Part 3 here.

Peekaboo!

2. Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987) -- 4,215 hits

Sometimes, quite inadvertently, one manages to stick ones finger right up the wherewithal of an unsuspected cultural zeitgeist. That's what happened in May of this year when I tossed off a lengthy appreciation of Ken Dixon's sci-fi reimagining of the classic novella The Most Dangerous Game. Don't get me wrong--the movie's a lot of fun, with nonsensical futurism, visuals straight out of Heavy Metal magazine, cheesetastic effects and of course the all important Suede Bikinis. Still, I'm at a loss to explain the review's rampant (and still growing) popularity on the web. I've searched for linking sites, StumbleUpon mentions, and the like, but it seems most of the 4000+ visitors to the page got their on their own, through the Google. Why are that many people spontaneously searching out info on this fun but relatively obscure title? That riddle may never be solved, but there it is folks: your #2 review. See what all the fuss is about by clicking here. Then, explain it to me.

And our #1 most popular review of 2010 is...no surprise.

1. Galaxy of Terror (1981) -- 6,508 hits

Yes, ever since I first put this post up on August 20, 2008, it's never sunk off our analytic "top content" list. Directed by Bruce D. Clark, produced by Roger Corman, and featuring an all-star cast that includes Erin "Joanie" Moran, Ray "The Devil" Walston, Robert "Fucking" Englund, Sid "Also Fucking" Haig, and future DTV flesh-peddler Zalman King, this flick is a powerhouse that simply will not be denied. But I don't kid myself--a quick look at the keywords that led visitors to this review reveals that the real draw can be boiled down to two words: WORM RAPE. Yes, Taaffe O'Connell's legendary assault via nematode was the most-searched for term on the site by a long shot, with "worm rape" and its many variants often taking up 6 to 8 slots in the top keywords stats. It's recent (and long-overdue) Blu-Ray release only added to the momentum. No wonder then that the review outpaces its nearest competitor by over two thousand hits, and wins the crown as Most Popular Mad Mad Mad Mad Movie review of 2010. Pad its numbers by clicking here, why don't you?

There you go, you pervs! Are you happy? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!

So there you have it, friends! Thanks to everyone who visited the site all year, whether the most popular or most obscrue movie. The Duke and I look forward to another year of MADNESS, and we're takin' all of you with us! We love you! (Yes, in THAT way.)

Bunnies,

The Vicar

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PICK-UP (1975): Another Perspective

Animator and reviewer Jeff Twiller recently read my old review of the 1975 road movie/mind melter Pick-Up (which you can do too, by making here with the clicky), and graciously sent along his own hilarious and strangely moving animated review of the same excellent film. Check out "Pick-Up (1975): Jeff and Randy's Review" below! And Jeff, thanks!

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Happy New Year!

Just a quick note to let all our parishioners and subjects know that we will be resuming our regularly scheduled MADNESS very soon. It was a very busy end of the year, with the smashing success of the Paul Naschy Blogathon and various parties and exorcisms to attend to, but 2011 has begun on schedule, so it's time to get back to work. A happy new year to all, and stay tuned!

Bunnies,
The Vicar

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Wishing you a Mad Mad Mad Mad Xmas...

"Feliz Navidad. Soy Santo Claus."

From both the Duke and the Vicar, to all our friends, parishioners, prisoners and subjects, a very Happy Xmas!

And here we go a wassailing!

The best version of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" EVAR.

The Duke's Video Xmas Card!

And finally, something more traditional:

And to all a good night!

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A Tod Slaughter Christmas: Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street

 

Joe Monster at the excellent blog From Beyond Depraved was a great addition to our recent Paul Naschy blogathon with his cutting and hilarious reviews. So when he asked your ever-lovin' Vicar to be a part of his own pet project, A Tod Slaughter Christmas, I couldn't say no. (The photos Joe has of me from the Duke's last soiree involving an amputee Little Person and a few cans of Crisco may or may not have also been a factor. An unsung hero of cinematic villainy, Tod Slaughter was a man caught between the old stagecraft of Victorian melodrama and the then-new art form of cinematic thrillers. The result was a series of portrayals of delightfully deranged villains, including the one detailed below, previously published on MMMMMovies in November of 2007, but still just as topical today! So sit back, relax, and take a trip to yesteryear with the Vicar, a villain, and a plate full of questionable meat pies...

I've been a fan of the Sweeney Todd story ever since the early-to-mid-eighties, when I caught a performance of the Stephen Sondheim musical on our local PBS station one weekend. Though I had some experience with musicals (my older brother's a big fan, and I picked a lot up by osmosis), I had never before seen one that so perfectly blended show tunes and terror. In the fullness of time I acquired a tape and watched the play over and over again, until I could quite literally recite it from opening curtain to final bow.

So when I learned that there had been a horror film made of the story--and during the Golden Age of Classic Horror, my favorite era, no less!--I became very much interested in seeing it. Sadly the film was not a Universal production, nor a Hollywood flick at all, but rather a low-budget British programmer that never showed up on our late-night TV dial. I filed it away in the back cabinet of my brain and went on with my life.

So now I've finally got to see it, and I must say I'm not at all disappointed. A fun, theatrical little flick with some good acting from the leads, some interesting editing, at least one WTF wacky moment, and a long-overdue introduction to the work of Tod Slaughter, an English thespian who apparently made lots of films like these and whose other work I look forward to seeing. But, on with the synopsis.

We open in modern-day London, scene of our interesting frame story. A busy businessman stops in a small barber shop for a shave. The barber--a cadaverous fellow with a cloyingly unguent manner--sets about trying to sell his client all manner of tonsorial accessories, from razor blades to hair tonics to vigor-restoring snake oil. The irritated customer swats away every offer, saying at last, "I expect you'll try to sell me that picture on the wall next!"

"Oh no," the barber says, seriously. "I would never sell that!" It turns out the picture is a drawing of Sweeney Todd from the newspapers in the early 19th Century, and Mr. Todd was the original owner of the shop. This leads the barber to tell the man Todd's story while he shaves him, and takes us into the wayback machine set for Dickensian London...

"Say, want me to show you a
quick way to lose ten ugly pounds?"

Now, in case you don't know, Sweeney Todd is a barber who lives and works somewhere in the vicinity of Fleet Street, London. He's also something of a tinkerer and a thief, not to mention a murderous psychopath. The fortunate man has been able to roll all his predilictions into one pastime--having rigged up a trap door underneath his barber's chair, he's able to drop unsuspecting customers into the basement on their heads, go down and slit their throats, and then steal all their cash.

This of course leaves the problem of what to do with the victims' remains, but the fiendishly clever Todd has this sorted as well. A secret passage through the basement connects with his next door neighbor Mrs. Lovat's shop, which as it happens sells meat pies. Mrs. Lovat is not averse to spiking the pies with shaved human corpses, and what's more, she's in love with Todd. Problem solved!

This hobby has made Todd very wealthy, but he longs to gain entry into society, and to do this is courting aristocrat Stephen Oakley, claiming he wants to be allowed to invest in his shipping business, but actually hoping to get the old man in his debt so he can force him to allow Todd to marry young Joanna Oakley, the aristocrat's daughter. (This is very different from the Sondheim musical and presumably the upcoming Burton/Depp vehicle based on it, since in the play Joanna is Todd's daughter and she is pursued by the lecherous Judge Turpin, whose character here is aptly named 'Judge Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.')

But Joanna has a man, a sailor named Mark, of whom her father disapproves. Mark is about the ship out, hoping to make his fortune and come back for Joanna's hand. But Todd helps the old man out by ratting on Joanna and the sailor and spoiling their farewell at the pier, thus gaining his good graces. Hands are shaken, investments are made, investments are lost, Todd calls in his debts, Oakley offers up his daughter, virgins are menaced, throats are slit, and everything rolls right along.

I must say here that the period setting of Victorian England is done extremely well--the crowded piers, the coal-smokey streets, the urchins and scullery maids, all great. And Todd and the other gentlemen wear some truly amazing top hats--I mean Mad Hatter-type hats, stuff that would make Tom Petty proud. The exaggerated height and width of the chapeaux give the film an almost German expressionist quality, without going too overboard on it.

Mrs. Lovat doesn't like Todd's carrying on with Joanna, and threatens to send him to jail; but of course she's in it as deep as he is, as he reminds her. Here Slaughter really turns up the low simmering menace he's cultivated the whole flick and goes into full-on threatening madman mode, also demonstrating probably the second-best crazy-laugh in cinema history. (Top honor: Dwight Frye as Renfield, natch.) It reminded me of a chain of stores that used to do business in Arkansas and perhaps throughout the South known as "The Mad Butcher"--they had this very Todd-ish looking mascot who closed every commercial with a crazy laugh, brandishing a cleaver. I wonder now if this figure was based on Slaughter in this film. Or if I just dreamed him up. Either way, *shudder*.

Tod Slaughter: the Very Picture
of Trustworthiness

Meanwhile, Mark's ship lands in Africa somewhere to rescue an English shipwreck victim whose fires they saw from sea. This is a wild and wacky scene, as the Robinson Crusoe-esque shipwrecked dude and his heavily-pigmented servant (unnamed, but I call him 'Monday') are beset by a tribe of Jungle warriors intent on stamping out the White Menace. The sailors come ashore and before you can say Zulu there's an all-out race riot afoot! The natives are at a disadvantage without gunpowder and are quickly mowed down, but not before Monday buggers off (Don't you just hate Mondays?) and leaves Crusoe to rush out of the hut to greet his liberators, only to get a chest full of spears in mid-huzzah! That'll teach you to count your chickens.

The captain is a casualty of the fray, so Mark becomes captian and sails back to London, his fortune made thanks to the his bloody promotion. It all goes downhill rather quickly from there, with Lovat finally going sour on Todd, Joanna dressing as a boy to infiltrate Tod's shop (convincing Sweeney utterly--a nice Shakespearean touch there), the whole carnal business getting uncovered, and a final confrontation that leads to the shop going up in flames and Todd presumably dying in the cataclysm. Of course we get a comedic return to the modern-day to see the barber's customer flee the shop once the cadaverous cutter picks up his razor, and thus a legend is born.

"It's the weirdest thing...I swear you look
just like somebody I know! Ah well, never mind.
How much for the wax job again? "

This was a very fun flick, especially for fans of horror films from this period. I've read that if a Victorian melodrama could be brought to the screen, acting styles intact, Slaughter's work wouldn't be far off, and I believe it. Slaughter--called "Europe's Horror Man" in the ads--is a really great villain, his menacing evil nature very authentic and palpable. Though the acting style here is more stage than screen, it still works, especially when Slaughter lets loose with the crazy laugh.

Also, especially early on in the flick there is some interesting editing, as director George King ties together several scenes stream-of-consciousness style, taking the last word from one character as the first word from another on a jump cut to a different set-up. There's some comic relief with one of Mark's shipmates being courted by Joanna's tall, gawky maid, which surprisingly is actually pretty funny. There's no gore, of course, and the cannibalism aspect of the story is very much played down (restricted to implication in one or two scenes with people saying, "Whattaya suppose he did with the bodies?" while of course chewing one of Mrs. Lovat's meat pies), but like I say, if you're a fan of movies of this period, there's very little not to like.

I'm glad I got to see ST:TDBoFS, and that it wasn't a crushing disappointment like another long-sought-after movie I finally got to see as an adult. I give it a solid 2 thumbs. Fans of Lugosi, Karloff, and the Universal Horrors, get to know Tod Slaughter. He'll fit right into your pantheon.

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DVD Review: SCREAM DREAM (1989)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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RIP Jean Rollin: 1938-2010

Terrible news for the world of cinéma fantastique today: director Jean Rollin has passed away after a long illness at the age of 72.

Image via Fascination: the Jean Rollin Experience

I've been a fan of Rollin's since first viewing his excellent, phantasmagorical, vampiric fairy tale Requiem for a Vampire, and since then have watched and enjoyed many of his films. Rollin was a director with an unbelievable talent for imagery, and a nearly faultless eye for beauty--in composition, colors, shadows, light, and story. He was an artist who developed his own cinematic language, and whose best films I count among the most gorgeous ever made by any director in any genre. He was also a tireless creator, continuing to make his own unique brand of cinema right up to the end. His death is a tremendous loss, not only to the horror and fantastique genres, but to world cinema as a whole.

Living Dead Girl (1982)

Shiver of the Vampires (1971) [image via Fascination]

Lips of Blood (1974) [image via Fascination]

The Grapes of Death (1978)

Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies sends out our heartfelt condolences to Jean Rollin's family, friends, and fans. He will be missed. His legacy will live on.

For more info on Rollin's life, work, and legacy, visit Jeremy Richey's excellent blog Fascination: The Jean Rollin Experience--in my opinion, the best resource for Rollin fans and scholars on the web.

RIP, Jean, and thank you for all you gave.

Au revior.

Jean Rollin on MMMMMovies:

• Requiem for a Vampire (1971)
• Shiver of the Vampires (1971)
• Bacchanales Sexuelles (1974)
• The Grapes of Death (1978)
• The Living Dead Girl (1982)

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