XTRO (1983): or, Like Father, Like Son, Like Hell

Some people are just natural-born Givers. If you go to them looking to borrow a cup of sugar, they give you the whole bag. You ask for the repayable loan of an egg, and they respond by handing you a chicken and a year's worth of feed. You send them a thank-you note for their generosity, and they reply with a thank-you for the thank-you together with a year's paid membership in the Scrumptious Chocolates of the Month club. These people give and give and give, often expecting nothing in return but the acceptance of the offered gifts. All they want is the opportunity to be the vehicle on which you ride to the sunny climes of Happiness.

Of course, these people often also have serious psychological issues.

If it were a human being, the British sci-fi WTF-stravaganza Xtro (1982, dir. Harry Bromley Davenport) would be one of these people.

We open at a country cottage not far removed from the bustling heart of London, where nurturing nice-guy dad Sam Phillips (Philip Sayer) is playing fetch with his adorable son Tony (Simon Nash) and their even-more adorable border collie Katie. Perhaps hoping to recreate his favorite scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey, Sam hauls back and launches the stick high over the roof of the house. He succeeds better than he could have hoped, as the stick explodes in a shower of sparks and the sky is immediately filled with blinding lights and sci-fi noises of the most sinister variety. As the sky darkens and an unnatural wind sweeps him toward the light, Sam urges his son to run for it, which (being the obedient sort) he does. Long moments later Sam is gone, leaving his son an orphan and his wife Rachel (Bernice Stegers, previously of Lamberto Bava's Macabre [1980]) back on the market.

This dog refused screen credit for this picture.

Three years pass in a jump-cut. Rachel believes Sam's disappearance to be a classic case of Spousal Abandonment, but still has filed neither a missing person's report nor divorce papers. She has not let the sheets of the marriage bed get cold, however, as she now shares her London apartment with her boyfriend Joe (Danny Brainin), a successful commercial photographer and former friend of her disappeared hubby. The lovebirds largely leave the care of young Tony to their French au pair Analise (future Bond Girl Maryam d'Abo, in her debut movie role), whose main job qualifications seem to be a terrible accent and her undeniably smokin' hawtness.* For his part, Tony has never accepted that his father just up and run-oft, and constantly looks forward to the day they will be reunited.

*Nota bene: Maryam D'Abo is the cousin once-removed of Olivia D'Abo, who made her debut as the spoiled princess in Conan the Destroyer (1984), and whom I had previously erroneously assumed to be Maryam's twin sister.

Unluckily for everyone involved, the little moppet's wishes are soon to be granted. Back in rural England, a familiar blinding light falls from the sky, depositing a pool of goop in the woods which soon coagulates into one of the freakiest extraterrestrials it's ever been my pleasure to see on the screen. You want a little practical FX post-Giger nightmare fuel? Check out THIS bad boy:

Xtrordinary

 As you might imagine, that anatomical configuration is not a particularly agile one; as a result, the space beast is quickly smacked by a Citroën doing about thirty-five down the country road. Of course the drivers--one of them sporting one of the most magnificent New-Wave Brit Mullets ever--get out to see what got all up in their grille, with predictably messy results. None the worse for wear, the creature crab-walks to a nearby cottage owned by a thirtysomething spinster. There it gains entry (apparently by teleporting into the kitchen cupboard) and rams its ovipositor in her face before collapsing in a heap of denatured ickiness, which the lady's dog helpfully starts to clean up. (Eww.)

The ickiness is just beginning, however: upon awakening an hour or so later, the woman finds herself the subject of a time-lapse short on the wonders of childbirth, as her belly swells to full 40-week distension in a matter of moments. The strain on her system is too much: she collapses on the floor, dead. Just as well, for this spares her the pain and horror of seeing a full grown man climb out of her vagina, dragging most of her meaty innards with him before gnawing through his umbilical cord with his own teeth! The filmmakers do not skimp on the caro syrup nor the sloppy sound effects, making for a gloriously gross moment of WTF.

Worst party favor ever.

Of course the newborn manchild is Sam, who has been a resident alien on the alien planet since his abduction. ("I had to be...changed...so I could live there!" he later explains.) Now back in roughly human form, he quickly finds his way back to London and insinuates himself into his estranged family's life, claiming no memory of the intervening three years. Tony is the only one happy to see him. Rachel is understandably torn, and Joe struts around taunting his rival with public displays of affection toward his wife, like an alpha dog marking out territory. Still, Rachel thinks, no sense involving medical professionals (or the POLICE) in all this; instead, she invites Sam to stay at the apartment with them until they can sort things out.

This gives Sam the opportunity to start working on his real objective: apparently he's more than happy being a Double-Jointed Killbeast from Planet Yog, but can't go another space year without his dearly beloved son at his side. Left alone with the boy, Sam gives Tony a love bite on the neck--a visual that would be icky even if it weren't for the body-horror effects--which imparts to the boy some of Dad's alien abilities. What kind of abilities, you may well ask? Well, how about the ability, through simple concentration, to make anything he can imagine become real?** Talk about your fringe benefits!

Submitted without comment.

**This explains, one assumes, how Sam was able to teleport into his doomed baby-momma's house earlier--though it sheds no light on why, this being the case, Sam didn't just concentrate on coming to Earth already in human form, or better yet simply imagine Tony on the alien ship with him and have done with it.


The Xtro train has never had a firm grip on the narrative rails since the stick exploded in scene one, but here it really jumps them for good--or rather, points the engine upward and rockets straight into the outer BatShittosphere. Little Tony quickly crosses over into "It's a Good Life" territory, bringing his toy soldier to life to wreak vengeance on a meddlesome neighbor, materializing a live panther in his room, and animating a wooden clown to be his accomplice in evil! (The "real" clown is played by Peter Mandell, a Little Person in exactly the type of role Peter Dinklage hilariously vented on in Tom DeCillo's Living in Oblivion [1995].)

Even though this is far afield from the story's beginnings in Alien Abduction territory, it actually fits in to film better than you'd think. The whole movie has had an odd, otherworldly quality. Scenes shift from day to night and back with abandon. Night scenes are lit brightly from impossible sources. Chunks of context are missing or never existed. Murders happen, and no one seems to notice or care, much less phone the police. Characters speak their lines in a somnolent daze, and motivation is the merest afterthought, when it's thought of at all. In a way, the entire movie has played like an extended dream sequence--like Twilight Zone without restraint, or Tim Burton without horizontal stripes.

"If only Olaf could see me now!"

Tired of her waffling, Joe moves out in a huff, leaving Sam and Rachel to salvage their interspecies marriage. Those two head out to the cottage where it all began, leaving Tony with Analise. Using his alien mind powers and dwarf-clown henchman, Tony kills his keeper's boyfriend and knocks the French girl unconscious before infecting her with his alien cooties in another uncomfortably sexual, age-inappropriate scene. Becoming more and more alien, Tony cocoons Analise up in the bathroom and makes her a Cronenbergian egg-laying machine, then tricks Joe into taking him to the cottage.

Meanwhile (and with absolutely no buildup other than a jump-cut), Sam and Rachel are rekindling their physical relationship (like rabid minx). Unfortunately Sam's alien physiology  causes him to have an allergic reaction to Rachel's sex stank, the symptoms of which include ruptured back lesions and acute horrifying ugliness. Joe shows up and is dealt with via sonic scream, and the reunited father and son walk into the woods, sloughing skin as they go, to be taken back into the mother ship. Either in shock or not too bothered (it's hard to tell), Rachel goes back to the London apartment, where a dwarf, a live panther and one last icky surprise await her. And Fin.

"You've got to be fuckin' kidding me."

Parishioners, Xtro is a movie that delivers the goods, and throws in a bunch of extra snack crackers you didn't even know you  were hungry for. The effects are all practical and wonderfully disgusting, and the creature design is pretty great too. The acting is nothing to write home about, though the actors themselves are probably less to blame than the writer and director on that count. Still, even though the script is all over the place, there's just so much happening at all times it's hard to get too upset about. All the actors seem admirably committed, though, with special props to Maryam D'Abo, who provides some high-quality nekkidity more than once. The sythesizer score (also by director Davenport) made me want to puncture my own eardrums with Q-Tips, but given the unrelenting weirdness of the piece, I wondered if perhaps this was by design.

In closing, if you can just shut off your logic centers and let the MADness wash over you, you'll have a great time with this one. Gory, crazy, entertaining and never dull, Xtro deserves a place at the table with 80s scifi insanities like Inseminoid and Galaxy of Terror. 3 Thumbs. Seek it out, and let Xtro make you happy. That's all it wants!

More photos from XTRO (1982):

Xtro Alpo

Didn't figure on this much action

"DWARF FROM ABOVE!"

"You know the rules, Sam. You lost at Connect Four. Get suckin'!"

"What the fuck am I doing here?"

"Mommy! Give us a kiss!"

Indecent Xposure

 

"OBEY!"

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DVD Review: THE TAINT (2010)

My dearest friends! Fret not, the Duke of DVD is back, once more following close behind the pox-ridden arse that is the slow, plodding, diseased horse of MAD cinema, holding a burlap sack in which to catch any cinematic nuggets of offal that might fall. I save only the choicest lumps for you, my dearest readers! Your letters, emails, and runed scrawlings etched upon stretched cat stomach have not gone unread. “When is the Duke coming back to further educate us upon the innermost workings of the sewers of cinema?” you asked. “What is this new crop of downy hair I appear to be growing upon mine nethers?!” you entreated. Well, here I am, to bring you the good word and deliver what you most want: truly MAD movies.

Today I bring you a movie so flamingly foul that even I could barely stomach it. “Does that mean it’s a bad movie, unworthy of my precious time?” you honk, Krispy Kreme flakes shedding from your blue-red lips like so many snowflakes. Heavens no, sir or madam! This movie is supremely entertaining, and though it may be filled to the brim with more cock-shots than the Vicar’s first movie (brazenly titled The Vicar Reveals His Cock During Mass), it is still a modern MAD movie masterpiece.

Let us begin, shall we?

THE TAINT, referring to a spreading disease rather than the place between your foul pucker and your shriveled genitals, opens with a black and white shot of a woman’s breasts, which cuts to an interior shot of what I'm assuming is supposed to be a vagina. We peer outwards as the lips part. Then we see a man wearing red long-johns running through the woods with a scythe. A youth with yellow hair wakes up next to a girl. He had been dreaming the images we saw--all except for the man in the red long-johns, who appears near where the boy and girl sit (somewhere out in the woods it seems). The scythe-wielder chases the boy off whilst farting and shitting through his brown-stained long-john's back-flap. The boy trips, and falls next to a severed head. He gets up and runs from the man, and starts lighting a cigarette as he runs.

"Note to self:  Avoid Old Man Miller's farm... and daughter."

This, friends, is the opening of THE TAINT, and it only gets more and more weird as time goes on. The dude with the David Bowie hair, named Phil O’Ginny (played brilliantly by movie co-creator Drew Bolduc ), wanders the woods until he meets up with a shotgun-wielding chick named Misandra (Colleen Walsh), who explains to him, via flashback with her former husband, what’s going on. Apparently, some toxin is making male humans go crazy, turning them into sperm-squirting, rapey, skull-crushing zombie lunatics! Or else your typical junior high school football players--something like that. The point is, nearly every zombie (I’m using this term loosely, folks) in the movie has his cock hanging out of his pants. A prosthetic cock to be sure, but still hilarious. These dicks shoot gallons of sperm at the drop of a hat, all the while the person in question is murdering a helpless female.

James Hetfield prepares for the latest Metallica tour.

Phil, who incidentally has two pairs of giant sunglasses that he changes depending on how he’s feeling at the time, walks around with the shotgun chick, occasionally killing a crazed rapey dude, until they finally run into a group of non-crazy rapey dudes. Their leader, a former coach at Phil’s school, is shown in a lengthy flashback to be ragingly gay, only he denies it, to himself and others. I had a good lengthy chuckle out of his character; the guy who plays him does so really well. But back to the dick waving. It seems a group of scientists has developed a self-described “penis enhancer”. We get a lot of hilarious scenes with the scientists, and we’re shown their television commercial, which is a black and white riff on old Nazi war propaganda. Brilliant stuff!

"Welcome to Le Spa du Vicar! Here's your free facial!"

It seems the penis enhancer is the cause of this rapey-zombie outbreak. It was far too potent and turned men into rampaging zombies with unrelenting erections. Really. That's it.

Folks, there’s little to no point in discussing the “plot” here, because there really isn’t one, other than jizz-squirting psychopaths rampaging across the country while Phil changes sunglasses. Throw in a coat-hanger abortion, a dude tearing his own dick off, someone ripping the guts out of another person while they still live, a lengthy workout video done by the gay school athletic coach, and more exploding cocks than you can comprehend, and you have THE TAINT. The movie ends with Phil, draped in an American flag, walking blood-covered down a city street filled with men whipping women or assaulting them bodily, all  while giant penii droop from their open pants. A nightmare, or a land of dreams (if you are the Vicar, that is).

I've really nothing to add.

I absolutely salute the men and women who made this movie! A low budget labor of love, lust, and the lowest of the lowbrow, it offends everyone equally. I was shocked, surprised, and absolutely moist with entertainment. We need more movies like THE TAINT in the world, says I.

2.5 Enthusiastic Thumbs Up!

"You sure got a purty mouth."

How Beef Jerky is made.

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The Exterminator (1980): or, The Punishment Dude

A couple of years ago on this very site, I reviewed a movie from 1984 called The Executioner, Part II, a highly entertaining Rambo/Punisher mash-up whose enthusiasm and energy cannot be denied, even in the face of suspect acting and slapdash production values. I mentioned then that despite its title, that flick was not in fact a sequel to anything; The Executioner, Part I, sadly, does not exist. Rather, the savvy producers and advertising staff hoped to piggyback on the presumed popularity of another, unrelated film: the 1980 vigilante thriller The Exterminator. Well, it's taken me a couple of trips around the sun to get there, but I've finally managed to lay eyes on James Glickenhaus's First Blood wannabe, and can now make an educated comparison between it and its lower-rent, higher batshit-quotient companion piece.

Good news, parishioners: The Exterminator stacks up pretty well. Better made and higher-budgeted than its non-sequel, the elder cinematographic statesflick not only gives us a look at the foundations upon which were built the wild and weird antics of James Bryan's later effort, but also contains enough of its own gleeful griminess and bizarre set-pieces to keep fans of 80s action grinning almost throughout.

We open on a craggy, moonlit peak that needs only a little snow and a corona of stars to perfectly emulate the Paramount Studios logo. But before we can fully appreciate the tranquility and natural beauty of this shot, Glickenhaus lets slip the Dogs of War, treating us to a gigantic fireball that rockets a hapless US serviceman at least thirty feet above the summit! Which can only mean one of two things: either part of the Vietnam war was waged atop active volcanoes, or else the US Army was testing a top secret human cannonball program that didn't quite work out, for reasons that were perhaps in retrospect quite foreseeable.

Early trials of the C4 Plumber's Helper™ were not a complete success.

Luckily the earth surrounding the crag is soft with jungly moisture and the blood of innocents, so our flying grunt, John Eastland (Robert Ginty) is only stunned and slightly singed by his surprise solo flight. Unluckily, the jungle is also lousy with Viet Cong, which leads to the quick capture of John, his unit-mate and best friend Michael Jefferson (Steve "Don't Call Me Meshach" James), and at least one expendable extra.

At the POW camp, the VC string John and the extra up between bamboo stakes and start grilling them for information. When John doesn't cooperate, the head baddy demonstrates the power of his Vorpal Machete of Partial Beheading (+3, THAC0 -2) on his ill-fated and unnamed cohort. However, in all the excitement the camp guards somehow neglected to ensure that Michael was similarly secured, keeping him tied only with rough twine around his wrists and trusting he won't garrote the living fuck out of his watcher at the first opportunity--a tactical error, as it turns out. Quickly securing an AK-47, Jefferson lays waste to the enemy and frees his partner, then sends up a flare for a well-timed helicopter rescue.

Semi-Stumped

Next we get a credit sequence filled with beautifully shot aerial views of New York City, together with a plaintive, pop-country soldiering song that couldn't contrast more with the steamy, fiery carnage of the opening scene. (Which was, it has to be said, extremely fiery. I shouldn't be surprised if the pyro alone cost more than the entire production budget of Executioner Part II.) Back in the USA, John and Michael are working in the loading docks at White Fairy Inc., a refrigerated shipping firm that moves everything from beer to slabs of meat. Mike is adjusting well to civilian life, making a favorable impression on his bosses and getting the raise needed to support his beautiful wife and two precociously adorable kids. Meanwhile, John is sullen but high-functioning, clinging to his friendship with Michael, the man to whom he owes his life. So guess what happens next?

If you guessed "gang-related tragedy for the family man," give yourself a hug.

Working in the back loading bays, John happens to notice a group of young thugs helping themselves to cases of unguarded beer. These aren't just any thugs, though--they're members of "The Ghetto Ghouls," the most fearsome street gang this side of the Jets and Sharks. Sporting bandannas, spiked armbands and matching denim vests, these guys are clearly not to be trifled with--least of all their leader, who augments his badassery with a pencil-line goatee and a jaunty French beret:

THIS...is the face of Crime!

But trifle with them John does, leading to an all-out brawl amongst the adult beverages in which Michael once again has to pull his comrade out of the fire. Once the avalanche of aluminum has ceased (with no spillage at all--I guess the cases and cases of beer cans were all yet-to-be-filled?), Mike and John toss the bums out and decide to meet after work for a cold one. But the Ghetto Ghouls hold grudges longer than the Viet Cong, apparently, and are also better organized. On his way to the bar, Mike is ambushed and viciously beaten by the Ghouls, who finally leave him a bloody clawed mess, paralyzed from the neck down.

As might be expected, this is just the sort of thing to send Johnny spiraling out of control. He breaks out his army gear and captures one of the Ghouls, threatening him with a blowtorch in order to learn the location of GGHQ. (Note: this is the genesis of the awesome but unrepresentative poster and VHS art; though John does immolate more than one victim, he doesn't use the flamethrower again, nor don the black motorcycle helmet pictured, except when, you know, actually riding a motorcycle.) He invades the Ghouls' graffiti and Che Guevara Poster-strewn base, kicks out the GG's topless girlfriends, and after a brief battle leaves the worst offenders tied in the basement for the rats to feed on. Nasty, but effective.

"I'm gonna tell you the Good News about Jesus Christ, and you're gonna LISTEN, GODDAMMIT!"

Having tasted the sweet nectar of vengeance mixed with shot of heady vigilante JUSTICE, John decides to take his battle against scumballs and scofflaws to the next level, in a way antiheroes like The Punisher would emulate throughout the coming decades in comics and film. He next sets his sights on local "meat mobster" Gino Pontovini (Dick Boccelli, in the role he was born to play), who has been extorting White Fairy Refrigeration for protection payments since the beginning of the flick. Showing his madd ninja skillz by infiltrating a restaurant bathroom and hiding in the trash receptacle, John outsmarts Gino's bodyguard and kidnaps the mobster, spiriting him away to a handy warehouse and hanging him above an industrial strength meat grinder! After getting Gino's house key and safe combination, John heads to the mobster's mansion, where he's surprised by the vicious doberman guard dog--but luckily a battery-operated electric knife has been left handy on the kitchen counter, leading to some impromptu canine carving. Upset at Gino's having left this crucial info out, John returns and wordlessly drops the meaty malcontent into the hopper! The screams and close-up shot of the resulting ground round exiting the grinder are actually rather gross and chilling--a well-done scene.

A Gristled Criminal

Actually, up to this point the whole movie has been very well done--Glickenhaus and/or his DP Robert M. Baldwin give us some great composition and lighting, particularly in the Vietnam battle scenes, with red and blue gels and the orange light of the HUGE ASPLOSIONS giving the whole thing a stylish, nightmare quality. Glickenhaus also has a knack for building suspense--the scene where John tortures the Ghetto Ghoul is constructed expertly, as is a later scene with John methodically drilling hollow points (in LIVE bullets--which I can't help thinking is a bit unsafe) and filling them with lethal mercury! (Then soldering the tops closed over the payload with an acetylene torch--again, not OSHA approved.) The only weak point technically is the editing, which jumps rather schizophrenically from scene to scene in the early going, threatening the attentive viewer with cognitive whiplash.

John uses the money stolen from the mob to make sure Michael's wife and kids are taken care of, then continues his one-man war on crime. He sends letters to the local news declaring his intent, signing himself "The Exterminator." It's at this point the NYPD get involved, especially after getting pressure from shadowy CIA Agent Shaw (a very Jonathan Frid-like Patrick Farrelly, who would feature the following year in the haunted whorehouse flick The Nesting). Shaw notes that the Exterminator must be stopped, since it's an election year, and the Powers That Be can't have a loose cannon going around doing a better job fighting crime than the police. (Even though to this point John has stopped exactly two sets of evildoers.) The crooked commish responds by putting his best detective on the case--Detective James Dalton, played by trash movie royalty Christopher George.

"Hello, Ladies."

Here the movie loses its thread a little, as we get lots of scenes with Dalton pursuing cold leads on the Exterminator's identity, which have nothing like the momentum of John's vengeance-fueled rampage. Still, George is fantastic in the role, bleeding confidence and charisma as he interrogates strung-out hookers, improvises dangerous hot dog cooking techniques, and romances sexy Eurodoctor Megan Stewart (mutant baby nommer Samantha Eggar). His exchanges with Agent Shaw are particularly fun, including following gem: (Shaw) "What do you think, detective?" (Dalton) "I think you gotta take a shit, and it's comin' out your mouth instead of your ass!"

Interspersed with this are a few more of John's Random Acts of Kindness (and Violence). He persecutes a few more Ghetto Ghouls via deadly car chase (after failing to stop them mugging an old lady), and, in the ickiest subplot, infiltrates a "chicken farm" where young boys are forced into sex slavery. (He finds out about this when he picks up a hooker who was badly disfigured by "a state senator from New Jersey" after she refused to participate by making him the meat in a strap-on and strapping-young-lad sandwich.) John shoots the Honorable Gentleman from New Jersey dead in the crotch with mercury and lead, then ties down the establishment's owner and douses him with gasoline before setting the whole place on fire.

A moment later, Tony shame-facedly put the dildo away. He hadn't realized Black Jesus was watching.

Eventually Dalton discovers the Exterminator's identity through some sterling detective work and a chance encounter at the hospital. (John is visiting Michael, Dalton is banging Dr. Megan in an empty hospital room.) This leads to a final confrontation in a construction yard, with a Shady Government Doublecross and a downbeat ending, the particulars of which I found satisfying and a little surprising.

As I've said, The Exterminator is mostly a very well-made film. Haphazard editing aside, individual scenes are put together extremely well, and for the most part it looks fantastic. It's also mostly well-acted. I mentioned Christopher George's charisma and machismo, which he lays on so thick you could spackle your walls with it. Robert Ginty is perhaps not the "rugged, virile, hard-looking action star" his imdb mini-bio would have us believe--I thought he looked a bit more like the hero from Grease 2, personally--but he does have a quiet, "beware the wrath of the patient man" intensity that is effective here, and would inspire the Frank Castles of the entertainment world for years to come. Other standouts include David Lipman as the "would be comical if not so damn creepy" Perverted Senator, and Tom Everett as a hotel clerk with a catchphrase I just can't get out of my head, even two days later. Eggar is fine in her role, but as that role has exactly nothing to do with the rest of the movie, it's clear she's only there for set dressing and to reflect some of George's smolder.

He looks at me, and I fall to Pieces.

In the final analysis, I think The Exterminator is an excellent 80s action flick, with just the right mixture of meat and cheese. There are some holes in the story, of course--the jump from "avenging my friend" to "protector of the downtrodden" happens off screen, and is never really explained, plus John's methods seem pretty haphazard, despite his corkboard full of downer headlines in his apartment--but those looking for airtight logic are perhaps kneecapped from the beginning. I'd have to say I slightly prefer The Executioner Part II to its inspiration--it's easily five times zanier, and boasts the unforgettable Coke-Angel Kitty to boot--but The Exterminator is good too, and thus earns an only slightly lower 2.45 thumbs score. Check it out--there's punishment due. :)

 A few more images from The Exterminator (1980):

"Could we interest youse in some time-savin' gadgets for ya lovely home, heah?"

The Exterminator prepares to bum-rush da show.

Sign o' the Times

Visual Irony

He's a Cool Rider

"Ya want da SHEEEEETZ?"

Wednesday Night at the Duke's Place: Always the Same

"Just as I suspected: Meatloaf is Evil."

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A MAD Look Back: the Top Ten MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010

It's the season of the year, friends and parishioners, when the arbitrary, artificial constructs of Clock and Calendar converge to force upon one's usually unwilling consciousness grim considerations about growing old, about saying goodbye to loved ones and cherished events, about the diminishing number of trips around the sun alotted to each of us--to wit, the Passage of Time. Ah, Time, which stands still for no man! Time, the Maniac scattering dust! Rider of the ever-nearing winged chariot, the All-Devourer, the Collector of Souls, the Destroyer of Kings and Bringer of Final Darkness!

Indeed, Time: thou art ayn Bitch.

But until that great Beast of Chronos lays low my mortal coil, or else nibbles my synapses to Drooling Oblivion, I can yet cling to the memories of grandeur past, and celebrate what bounties the previous calendar year has bestowed. And this is what I'm here to declaim, friends, to shout to the heavens and hold up my perhaps Ozymandaical monument, tempting thunder from the Gods.

In short: I haz a list.

I'm not the biggest fan of statistics and site reports out there, but every now and then I do pop open the ol' Analytics to see how things have fared, and often I'm pleasantly surprised by the results. So without further ado--unless you want some? Because believe me, I've got ado coming out my ears over here! No? Okay then--follow me down that famous lane of memory, as we tour the Top 10 Most Popular MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010, as determined by YOU, the readers!

So hold on, here we go!

10. Vicious Lips (1987) -- 1,397 hits

I admit I was a little shocked to see my February review of this flick cracking the top ten, but the stats don't lie. Sci-fi trash maestro Albert Pyun's inspired vision of a way-out future struck a power chord with readers and racked up damn near 1400 visits from curious onlookers and crawler-bots alike. The flick tells the story of an all-girl rock band overcoming trials, tribulations, and the vagaries of interstellar travel to make it to their big make-or-break gig on the other side of the galaxy. The takeaway: you can shipwreck the girls on an android-riddled Pleasure Planet, sic a Venusian Man-Beast/Geico Caveman on them, and even murder their lead singer in the first reel, but you just can't stop rock n' roll. Read the full review here.


9. Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990) -- 1,423 hits

Another surprise entry in the top ten, the Duke's late 2009 review of Jeff Hathcock's Troma-tastic trip to sunny Ellivnatas proved its staying power with a more than respectable number of visits. In this film, a young woman in search of her missing sister runs afoul of a group of devil-worshiping miscreants bent on impregnating somebody--anybody--with the slippery Seed of Satan. A hunkish local steps in to help, but can our heroine find the truth and escape unfertilized? The Duke tells us the heroine's designation as a "bombshell" is suspect and best, and she doesn't do much blaspheming, but how can you stand on niceties when you get gratuitous shower scenes, out-of-nowhere VW detonation, a thrilling chase interrupted by the quarry's impromptu skinny dip, and a cult with a rather backwards idea of how to get the best results from blasphemous fertility treatments? (Hint: if you want to see Satan's baby born, do NOT stab the surrogate through the heart immediately post-fertilization!) Click here to bask in the MADness.

"Dos Equis: the second 'X' is for SATAN!"

8. Mondo Topless (1966) -- 1,616 hits

Some things never go out of style, and gigantic boobs are two of them. Even though I first published the review in December of 2008, Russ Meyer's "documentary" about burlesque dancers and strippers in various states of undress still has the power to bring 14-year-old boys from all over the world a-gawkin'. And little wonder. The movie is really nothing more than a parade of physics-defyingly well-endowed women--or "buxotics," as Meyer would have them designated--dangerously shaking what the Good Lord give 'em while the narrator waxes apoplectic and the tassels and sound effects fly. Pick your favorite from among such notables as "Greta Thornwald, the Nordic Nymph, whose pulchritude is unrivaled by any showgirl in Denmark!" or "GIGI LA TOUCHE--THE GIRL WITH THE THROBBING GUITAR!"--or else just lie back and bask in the buxomness. You can check out the full review by gently caressing this link.

7. Alucarda (1978) -- 1,650 hits

What can you say about Juan López Moctezuma's dark fairy-tale masterpiece? Well, plenty, as the Duke of DVD proved in his March 2008 review. A beautiful film full of nightmare visuals, cutting allegory, and dream logic, Alucarda is the real deal, and easily in the non-ironic Top 5 of both your Mad Museum caretakers. Loosely based on Sheridan Le Fanu's novella Carmilla--as so very many movies are--this flick tells the tale of a brooding, intense young orphan and her friendship/love affair with her convent roommate, which leads to stern disapproval from their guardian religious types, administered via medieval torture implements. Oh, there's also a rain of blood, a heaping serving of nun flambe, and the first episode of the short-lived cable access show, "Nude Yoga with Satan"! A perennial favorite review here at MMMMMovies, it's not likely to leave the top 10 anytime soon. Read in wild wonder here.

"Lucifer pronounces you wife and wife. I may now sodomize the bride."

6. Zeta One (1969) -- 1,850 hits

This was the REAL shocker for me! A movie I reviewed in January 2008, which even I had never heard of before stumbling across it at the late, lamented Cosmobells blog, and have seldom seen discussed anywhere since? And yet, through the vagaries of public taste, unexpected re-runs in the UK leading to mass rekindling of interest, or else the fact that a Google search for "strip poker" led many hapless rainment-gambling enthusiasts here, the fact remains that Zeta One is our 6th most visited review of 2010. I'm glad it is, however, because I love this movie! Sometimes slow, often silly, but always entertaining, this tale of a bumbling secret agent struggling to thwart the invasion of Britain by a race of sexy Amazonian aliens is a gem ripe for rediscovery. And Yutte Stensgaard in the Altogether is nothing to sneeze at either. Read all about it by clicking here!

5. Les Demons (1972) -- 1,886 hits

The Duke rings in the top five with his sterling review of trash auteur Jess Franco's nunsploitation masterpiece. In the Duke's own words: "I must say, I absolutely loved this gem of a movie. It had everything. Satan sexing a nun doggy-style, naked nuns being put to the question, lesbian Mother Superiors who can’t control their urges, and copious shots of French bush." You can't ask for more than that, now, can you? If you like your nuns well 'sploited and your Lucifer in red leggings, you owe it to yourself to seek this one out. Click here for more information. 

Bones: Jumped

 4. The Sinful Dwarf  (1973) -- 1,921 hits

Another nearly 2-year-old review that for a long time was the undisputed top-visited page on the site. It falls a couple of spots this year after some scrappy newcomers made a strong surge, but is still firmly ensconced in the Mad Movie Pantheon of Utter Batshittery. Vidal Raski's justly infamous acme of 70s dwarfsploitation still has the power to shock and awe modern viewers, following the tribulations of a young struggling writer and his longsuffering newlywed wife as they take up residence in London's worst apartment complex. Little do they know that wind-up toy enthusiast Olaf, that most morally challenged of all Little People, has plans for the lovely new bride--plans involving heroin addiction, forced prostitution, and a truly horrific musical number. Not for the faint of heart, but required viewing for all Mad Movie fanatics. Full review here.

3. Behind Convent Walls (1977) -- 2,388 hits

The top three finally start to put appreciable distance between themselves and the other entries, and the first of the final trio is itself a triumvurate of awesome: the one and only joint review/roundtable between The Duke and the Vicar (with foreword by the inestimable Tenebrous Kate). First published back in March 2009, the three-part review of Walerian Borowczyk’s 1978 film Behind Convent Walls is our #3 hit-getter. A rambling, progressively more drunken discourse on the wonders of this ne plus ultra entry in the nunsploitation subgenre, this post encompasses such subjects as Holy Dildos, the importance of the Sword Cane to effective convent management, and a healthy dose of off-topic and inappropriate Naschy love. Full disclosure--part 1 is the top vistited of the three, with part 2 gaining 2,043 hits, and part three falling off steeply to 925, doubtless due to the piece's progressive incoherence. Still, the clicks don't lie--this one has staying power. Read Part One here, Part 2 here, and the underappreciated Part 3 here.

Peekaboo!

2. Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987) -- 4,215 hits

Sometimes, quite inadvertently, one manages to stick ones finger right up the wherewithal of an unsuspected cultural zeitgeist. That's what happened in May of this year when I tossed off a lengthy appreciation of Ken Dixon's sci-fi reimagining of the classic novella The Most Dangerous Game. Don't get me wrong--the movie's a lot of fun, with nonsensical futurism, visuals straight out of Heavy Metal magazine, cheesetastic effects and of course the all important Suede Bikinis. Still, I'm at a loss to explain the review's rampant (and still growing) popularity on the web. I've searched for linking sites, StumbleUpon mentions, and the like, but it seems most of the 4000+ visitors to the page got their on their own, through the Google. Why are that many people spontaneously searching out info on this fun but relatively obscure title? That riddle may never be solved, but there it is folks: your #2 review. See what all the fuss is about by clicking here. Then, explain it to me.

And our #1 most popular review of 2010 is...no surprise.

1. Galaxy of Terror (1981) -- 6,508 hits

Yes, ever since I first put this post up on August 20, 2008, it's never sunk off our analytic "top content" list. Directed by Bruce D. Clark, produced by Roger Corman, and featuring an all-star cast that includes Erin "Joanie" Moran, Ray "The Devil" Walston, Robert "Fucking" Englund, Sid "Also Fucking" Haig, and future DTV flesh-peddler Zalman King, this flick is a powerhouse that simply will not be denied. But I don't kid myself--a quick look at the keywords that led visitors to this review reveals that the real draw can be boiled down to two words: WORM RAPE. Yes, Taaffe O'Connell's legendary assault via nematode was the most-searched for term on the site by a long shot, with "worm rape" and its many variants often taking up 6 to 8 slots in the top keywords stats. It's recent (and long-overdue) Blu-Ray release only added to the momentum. No wonder then that the review outpaces its nearest competitor by over two thousand hits, and wins the crown as Most Popular Mad Mad Mad Mad Movie review of 2010. Pad its numbers by clicking here, why don't you?

There you go, you pervs! Are you happy? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!

So there you have it, friends! Thanks to everyone who visited the site all year, whether the most popular or most obscrue movie. The Duke and I look forward to another year of MADNESS, and we're takin' all of you with us! We love you! (Yes, in THAT way.)

Bunnies,

The Vicar

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PICK-UP (1975): Another Perspective

Animator and reviewer Jeff Twiller recently read my old review of the 1975 road movie/mind melter Pick-Up (which you can do too, by making here with the clicky), and graciously sent along his own hilarious and strangely moving animated review of the same excellent film. Check out "Pick-Up (1975): Jeff and Randy's Review" below! And Jeff, thanks!

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Happy New Year!

Just a quick note to let all our parishioners and subjects know that we will be resuming our regularly scheduled MADNESS very soon. It was a very busy end of the year, with the smashing success of the Paul Naschy Blogathon and various parties and exorcisms to attend to, but 2011 has begun on schedule, so it's time to get back to work. A happy new year to all, and stay tuned!

Bunnies,
The Vicar

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