Oh, Mill Creek DVD--every time I'm just about ready to give up on your poor-quality transfers of mostly forgettable public domain dreck, every time I'm almost ready to swear I'll never drop twenty bucks on another fifty movie pack that will never live up to the glories of that 50 Chilling Classics set, you come through with an undiscovered gem to remind me why I've been telling everyone about you for two years running. You're like a bad girlfriend who every now and then comes through with a truly sweet gesture and/or mind-blowing sex. I just can't quit you, baby!
The kicker this time comes from my barely-tapped Night Screams set, which seems to be made up mostly of 1940s poverty row programmers. However, nestled in there among the odd Tod Slaughter film and jungle-woman adventure flicks, this weekend I found John Hayes's 1974 groovy gothic Grave of the Vampire. Was the print bad? Terrible. Was the sound off? You betcha. Were the production values low? But of course. But the flick has that special something that brings a smile to the Vicar's face. Call it heart, call it ambition, call it borderline-incestuous vampire lore starring one of the most distinctive granite-chinned character actors of the 70s and 80s; I call it kismet.
Titular vampire, titular grave
It's the early 1950s somewhere in California, and Caleb Croft (Michael Pataki, whose lengthy filmography includes such roles as Count Dracula in Zoltan, Hound of Dracula, George Martin in Sweet 16, and 'Man Who Moons Courtroom' in 1982's Night Shift) rests uneasy in his tomb. As the lid creaks and shifts, the credits roll over some cool spooky music and gothic fog banks that set a nice tone. Then we're whisked away to a wild college party, where Paul and Leslie (Jay Scott and Kitty Vallacher, memorably credited in the opening crawl as "The Unwilling Mother") are making their excuses so they can sneak off for a little slap and tickle. The partygoers beg them to stay--"Lola Blossom's gonna do a dance, and we got all the freshers dressed up like dogs so they can crawl on their knees and bark at her!"--but our het-up young couple climb in the antique sedan and take off. If I had been Paul and heard that invitation, I guarantee you the movie would have been about an hour and twenty minutes shorter.
Paul and Leslie go straight to the local graveyard, which is strongly implied as the site of their first premarital coupling. ("It was almost on this very spot!" Paul grins, affectionately stroking a gravestone.) He's returned to the scene of the crime to ask Leslie to marry him, an offer she readily accepts, despite the fact that he's clearly fifteen years older than she. Of course Paul couldn't have picked a worse night to make an honest woman of her, as Caleb Croft picks just that moment to rise from his tomb--a bestial, dessicated corpse--and goes on the expected rampage that leaves Paul bent backwards over a gravestone and drained of blood. Apparently quenching his bloodlust makes Caleb hornay, and Leslie, her heart as broken as her lover's spine, is dragged screaming into a convenient open grave to sate the vampire's OTHER wicked desires.
"You're a BACKBREAKER, LOVE MAKER, BLOOD TAKER, don't you mess around with me!"
Back at the station, Lietuenant Panzer (Eric Mason, who had a little vampire experience thanks to his appearance a year earlier in Scream Blacula Scream!), is one of those refreshing investigators who doesn't let himself get bogged down in traditional police work routine. He considers the facts--one dead, drained body, one traumatized, molested girl, and one conspicuously empty tomb--and immediately jumps to the only sane conclusion: VAMPIRE ON THE LOOSE! Seriously, this is his first and ONLY theory! Lucky for him it's absolutely correct. Meanwhile, the understandably unstable Leslie finds out she's pregnant and persuades herself it must be Paul's baby. She also becomes BFFs with strung-out looney Olga (Lieux Dressler), who convinces her the doctors are full of shit when they say she should abort the baby (the doc's bedside manner her is exemplary: "What's growing inside you isn't alive!...What's inside your womb is not a human being, it's a parasite!") and the two women leave the hospital together, determined to birth that baby come hell or high water.
After Croft kills another local, we're all set-up for the Cop vs. the Armies of the Undead thriller of the sort most of us have seen more than once. However, Hayes and co-writer David Chase have a few twists up their sleeves--after meticulously setting Panzer up as the vampire-fighting hero, they have him wander by the Croft Crypt to do some investigatin'. Once there he's surprised by the vampire himself (now wearing a cape that he did not have in his coffin, just to remove any confusion, I guess) who chokes the cop out, opens the concrete sarcophagus, and crushes the lieutenant's head under the lid! Awesome! Myah, who's yer messiahr now, see?
Oh, SNAP!
Nine months later Leslie is giving birth to her little bundle of joy, with Olga dressed in a period pilgrim outfit to serve as midwife. The baby is born with gray skin and an aversion to milk, to the point that even Olga must suggest they take him to the town doctor to find out what (the fuck) is up. But when Leslie, baby uselessly pressed to her breast, reaches for a super sharp paring knife to peel an apple (like you do), the resultant blood splatter falls on junior's lips, and I bet you can guess what happens after that. Some creepy kooky visuals here include Leslie cutting her breast to give her baby suck, the blood splatters around the hungrily licking baby's mouth, and Mom taking a syringe full of arterial goodness and using it to fill a baby bottle!
Suddenly we get a montage of the little tyke growing up, complete with a Wonder Years-style voice over from the grown man he becomes. We see he can walk around in daylight but prefers the shadows, and never quite "fit in" with the rest of his pals--which only makes sense, as he's half human/half vampire, with the strengths and weaknesses of each. On her deathbed mom spills the beans and tells young James about his ill-fated nativity, at which point he swears he'll hunt down the vampire who raped his mother and make him pay for his crimes! Hey, Wesley Snipes, are you taking notes?
Nipple-lickin' good!
James tracks Croft to a university campus, where he's taken to teaching extremely well-attended night classes in mythology and folklore. The first night James meets roommates Anita Jacoby (Diane Holden) and Ann Arthur (Lyn Peters). Swingin' folklore major Anita comes on to James hard, demonstrating a shared interest in the infamous Salem Witch Trials-era vampire John Croydon, who James secretly believes to be Croft. However, James only has eyes for Literature teacher Ann, and it's not long before he's got her back at his apartment, drinking wine and doing the horizontal mambo to the music of their beating hearts. (A throwaway bit where Ann finds a half-eaten plateful of raw meat with a knife and fork on the side is a nice touch.)
William Smith: He Craps Bigger Than You
Meanwhile, Croft knows James is onto him, though for what purpose he doesn't yet dream. There are a couple of cool vampire rampage scenes thrown in here, as Anita confronts Croft with his identity and demands he make her his vampire bride, only to have her throat slit for her trouble, and another borderline-hilarious bit where Croft gets very testy with a sassy librarian MILF who won't lend him the book he wants.
What's very interesting to me at this point is the clearly intentional Oedipal twist on the vampire/revenge plot here. James is clearly Oedipus Rex, out to kill his father for having fucked his mom. This is further underlined by Croft's realization that Ann is the reincarnation of his first wife Sarah, who was burned for a witch in Salem. Of course James is schtupping Ann, the wife of his father, bringing the whole classical reference full circle. Like I say, a neat take on the convention, and one I don't believe I've seen before.
"Let me warm this up for you. Please."
Things take a turn for the MAD when Croft sets up a seance for some of his more promising students, secretly hoping to summon Sarah's spirit so that his wife can permanently possess Ann's body and they can be together forever. One step ahead, James uses his vamp-mojo to summon Anita's spirit instead, leading to a crazy scene where Ann speaks in Anita's voice, taunting Croft and offering still to be his vampire bride if he'll just kill Ann already so she can take permanent residence. James breaks that up with a quickness, and once Croft has disposed of the rest of the party guests, it's time for the big final confrontation between father and son.
"You never came to even one baseball game, Dad! NOT EVEN ONE!"
Should have thought this through
I enjoyed Grave of the Vampire from the beginning on, but that wild finish is what pushed it over the edge into Mad Movie love. Freudian psychology, subverted genre expectations, and a final battle to send you out of the grindhouse cheering--what's not to love? If there had just been a little more gore and/or nudity (the movie falls squarely into the PG-horror category), it would have been a 3-thumb no-brainer. Still, I can't give it less than 2.85 thumbs for sheer passion and entertainment value. I don't know if this one movie is worth buying the whole Mill Creek Night Screams set for, but it's definitely worth seeking out on its own if you get the chance.
A few more images from Grave of the Vampire (1974):
Ann falls victim to Vampiric Halitosis 
"No, look, it'll be easy--I'm double jointed, and you can just hold onto these collar wings!"
"Hey, Sonny Boy! I gotcher nose!"
Damn kids.
Oh, movie, could I love you more?
Monday, November 16, 2009
Grave of the Vampire (1974): or, Oedipus Necks
Upcoming on MMMMMovies: The Boris Karloff Blogathon
Parishioners and subjects, I know you to be people of impeccable taste, broad-ranging intelligence, and endearing intellectual curiosity. Therefore, if you're not visiting Pierre Fournier's exemplary blog Frankensteinia on at least a daily basis, you are sadly misusing your time. Msr. Fournier is a gentleman and a scholar with an endless passion for all things Frankenstein, and his frequent updates are a never-ending source of goodness for anyone with a predeliction for horror.
Next week, November 23-29, he is also sponsoring a Boris Karloff Blogathon, and has invited horror blogging luminaries from across the web to chime in with reviews, essays, and reminiscences about the man behind everyone's favorite monster. Your ever-lovin' Vicar has accepted Pierre's invitation, and will be contributing a review next week to which you can all look forward. So keep watching this space, bookmark/follow Frankensteinia today, and be sure to check out all the other fantastic entries that are doubtless going to pour in as well.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator (1989), Or Where Else Would You Stuff That Slut?
Dearest friends, it is I, the Duke of DVD, back again to shove your face into the steaming excrement pile that is MMMMad cinema. Once more I cannot stop myself from watching another cinematic abortion from the fine folks at Troma. Today I will be discussing the finer points of a rabid debacle of a film called Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, a movie so vile and awesome that I can safely say I vomited a little in my mouth by the end of it, and felt the need to immediately schedule an exorcism followed by a high colonic.
To understand Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, one must first throw out any preconceived notions as to WHY we would want to stuff Stephanie into an incinerator. Friends, the "why" doesn't matter. There could be many reasons. Perhaps Stephanie sat upon and crushed your favorite cat whilst in the throes of a particularly angry match of charades. Could be that Stephanie paid a gypsy in sexual favors to curse you, thus rendering your wang useless, or your vagina dusty, as the case may be.
No, friends, we don't care WHY Stephanie needs to be burned to ash, we only know that it must happen! Let us explore, shall we?
Our movie opens with a simple credit sequence informing us that the movie was written and directed by a gentleman named Don Nardo. For those not in the know, Don Nardo took over the Nardo family after the original Don, named Giuseppe by his family but usually referred to as Don Fabulous by his friends, committed suicide by self-inflicting over 34 stab wounds to his own back. Seizing the reins, Don Nardo commenced to carving out a small film empire, including such delights as Poke Ernie in the Anus and Expose Ebert to the Elements, before finally writing and directing his magnum opus, Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator.
The first scene is set in a darkened airplane hangar. A lone mechanic works on an engine from a twin prop plane. Bidding his coworkers a good night, he is left alone. But not for long! Out of the shadows step two men in long trench coats. Saying nothing, they proceed to rough up the mechanic before finally stealing a gold ring off his hand. They then bind his hands and force a plastic sack over his head, heedless of the suffocation warnings. The scene fades.
"We're from the gas company. Your bill is WAY overdue!"
We switch to the mechanic, waking up on the floor of an opulent study, inexplicably wearing a tuxedo. Looking groggily around, we see occultish paintings and what appears to be a birdcage with a black curtain over it. He walks down a hallway and discovers a bedroom with a sleeping girl in it. He reaches out and touches her hand, causing her eyes to spring open. She tells him it's good that he's dressed, because supper is ready. Somehow she knows his name (Paul) and tells him hers is Stephanie. Finally, the titular Stephanie! So far we see no reason as to why one would stuff her into an incinerator, but the night is young.
"Please pay no attention to my Adam's apple!"
She bids him to follow her, ignoring his questions as to what (the fuck) is going on. The tour of the house is cut short by a dinner bell. They head to the dining room, where they (and we) are greeted by the ugly visage of Roberta, who is quite obviously a man in drag, but we'll get to that later. Roberta bids them to sit and eat. Paul begins to relax a little, but still wants to know what's going on. Roberta tells him that he's there to basically sex Stephanie while Roberta watches, a prospect that turns Paul's (and our) stomach. He jumps up and tries to flee, finding all the doors and windows locked.
"Oh yeah, baby. Work that loom!"
Paul comes back to the dining room to find Roberta gone and Stephanie still sitting there. We then cut to a scene of Paul sitting on the floor, looking distraught, and Stephanie trying to comfort him. Then we flash to another scene with Paul waking up from a daze on a couch, with Roberta sitting uncomfortably close to him in a chair. Before we can process this series of scenes, Paul threatens Roberta with bodily harm unless she lets him go. Suddenly, two suit-wearing thugs are in the room, one of them armed with a hunting rifle. We see that these are the same trench coat dudes who kidnapped Paul in the beginning.
Paul then utters the immortal line: "Geez, I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me there must be some law against sexual deviance!" while facing a window. He turns to find the room empty. Paul then hatches a plan that involves using a letter opener to short out the lights of the parlor he's always in, which gives him and Stephanie time enough to climb up into the room's chimney, making their escape. Hounded by the sounds of dogs in pursuit, they run all over the place, through the woods, finally ending up in what appears to be a work shed on the property. Not content to just hide, they begin making out and finally "do it," off camera thankfully. It must be mentioned here that none of the principal actors, Stephanie included, is much of a looker.
Stephanie... getting stuffed.
They wake from a post-coital nap to find that they are somehow inexplicably still in Roberta's house, in the basement to be exact, and that Roberta has been watching them this whole time from the top of some stairs, employing the use of some opera binoculars no less! Going back upstairs, Roberta confronts Paul in the parlor with one more task to fulfill: sex up Roberta! In response to this, Paul utters another fantastic line: "I'll see you in Hell, first, you ol' WARTHOG!" To this, Roberta walks over and pushes a switch on the wall, causing a hidden elevator to descend from the ceiling!
Inside is a goon with Stephanie in handcuffs. He pulls her over to what I thought was a draped birdcage, but instead it is revealed to be an iron maiden! Before she can run to the hills, Stephanie is stuffed in the iron maiden! Up the Irons! Before it can shut on her, however, Paul relents and agrees to bone Roberta. They start to kiss when suddenly Roberta breaks character, talking in the voice of a dude, asking Stephanie if he has to go through with this. At this point, I arched my eyebrow and sat back to hopefully answer the burning question of just what (the fuck) is going on in this movie?
"It looks like I picked the wrong time to invest in Indo-Chinese corn futures!"
To sum up the next few scenes in the best way I can, I can tell you that "Paul" is really a man named Jared, a wealthy dude who is addicted to elaborate role-play shenanigans. "Stephanie" is actually named Casey, and is Paul's girlfriend. "Roberta" is actually Robert, a hired actor and friend of the couple. After paying Robert $5000 for his work, they drive him to the airport, but stop at a gas station along the way. While there, it is revealed that Casey is sleeping with a mechanic named Nicky, an ugly, beastly, bulging man who she's seeing on the side. After dropping Robert at the airport, the couple head back home.
Nicky, the sex magnet.
Late that night, Casey is awakened by noise downstairs. Turns out, it's Robert, who didn't get on his plane and instead stayed in town in an attempt to rob Jared. Casey is unhappy with Jared, explaining to Robert that she is forced to constantly partake in Jared's elaborate performances and is given a pittance monthly allowance. The two keep talking and eventually hatch a plan that is pretty fucking retarded. Basically, they will kill Jared, dispose of his body, and sit back for 7 YEARS until he's declared missing, and then somehow they will inherit and then split his fortune.
The incinerator, primed for stuffin'.
At this point, I was ready to call Don Nardo and tell him to go fuck himself, but I stuck with it, because Casey and Robert armed themselves with fireplace pokers. No good can come from people arming themselves with fireplace pokers. They creep upstairs, finding Jared asleep under the covers. They bash him repeatedly, then wrap him up, covers and all, inside some plastic. They then drag his body downstairs... TO THE INCINERATOR! Wasn't Stephanie/Casey supposed to get stuffed in there? Just wanting to see someone, anyone, stuffed into the incinerator, I let it play out. Robert starts to double-cross Casey, picking up a stick of wood to hit her with, when suddenly she makes a gruesome discovery: who they thought to be Jared is instead Casey's lover, the mongoloid mechanic Nicky!
Hearing voices upstairs, they head back up (not even bothering to stuff Nicky in the incinerator!) to find a television in the kitchen, playing them a video of Jared and Nicky in the parlor, talking it up. Jared apparently filmed this, somehow knowing the plot on his life and arranging to have Nicky take his place. Jared then strides into the kitchen like Teddy "Fucking" Roosevelt, wearing a full-blown old-time African safari get-up, complete with hunting rifle! He pulls out a hourglass and informs both of them that they have 1 minute head start before he starts firing.
Casey and Robert take off. Of course, the house is locked down tight. Stephanie finds a pair of scissors to arm herself with, but quickly runs around a corner, impaling Robert with them on accident! Casey then runs headlong into the parlor, finding Jared with his gun. He forces her at gunpoint to enter the iron maiden, when at the last second Robert comes screaming up and knocks Jared into the maiden instead! Casey takes off running, but Jared "shoots" her in the leg. (We hear the gun, but there's no smoke or bullet wound.) She falls, managing to hit the elevator switch before collapsing, right underneath where the elevator is coming down! Robert, in the meantime, collapses. Very soon Jared is dead in the maiden, Robert dead from scissor impaling, and Casey crushed underneath the elevator.
"Grip my love gun, baby."
Suddenly, we cut to Casey, Jared, and Robert sitting at the kitchen table, watching a video of their "deaths." That's right folks, Don Nardo has once again pulled the rug out from under us with yet another switcheroo! A crew (who includes the two thugs we kept seeing) comes in and begins dismantling the sets used to fool us. Everyone goes outside and leaves in their respective cars. As a final slap to the audience's face, it is revealed that Jared and Nicky are in fact a couple. The movie ends with them in the back of a limo, arguing that they each enjoyed their respective make-out scenes with Casey a bit too much.
"I have a confession: I just don't like Golden Girls."
So, in conclusion: What The Fuck?!?! I can't decide if this movie was clever or extremely shitty. I'm going to go with option B. The fact that Stephanie, and in fact NO ONE, was stuffed into an incinerator just seals the deal. 0 Thumbs, people. My first ever (I believe) 0 Thumbs review. There really isn't ANY redeeming factor of this movie. No one gets naked, no one gets stuffed into anything really, other than a fake iron maiden. The movie title held so much promise. If I were to make a movie called Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, you can be damned well sure someone named Stephanie, at some point in the film, would be getting her fine ass stuffed and then stuffed into an incinerator!
Incidentally, the Vicar and I sat over expensive cognac and some imported mustard last night and discussed why one would use an incinerator as a means for corpse disposal. Behold the places we came up with, and the reasons not to use said places:
So you can see, the incinerator is clearly the only place Stephanie could safely be stuffed! And yet Don Nardo dropped the ball that was seemingly attached to his hands via Gorilla Glue thanks to that awesome title. Inexcusable.
Don't try to pass it off on anyone else! I know it was you, Nardo! You broke my heart! You broke my heart!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Happy Birthday to the Duke of DVD!
While Leo DiCaprio, Demi Moore, and Stanley Tucci plan their natal soirees, and Calista Flockhart poses for Jonathan Winters' abstract paintings in honor of his homeland of Ork, while Lazarus von Waldstein and Dump Matsumoto put the finishing touches on the constitution of the Union of Awesomely Named Artists born on Veteran's Day, and any of the literally dozens of adult film stars spawned on this date ply their sweaty trade in their literal birthday suits, the Vicar of VHS would like to take a moment to commemorate the hour in a year now lost to the mists of time, when on a craggy rock in Twatt, Scotland, overlooking a brackish pool that locals claim is the very Devil's Pisspot, a lonely girl convulsed in horror under an Autumn moon and gave birth to the steaming, gore-streaked bundle of perverse joy that would one day become THE DUKE OF DVD!
The Duke Enjoys His Gift from the Vicar: The Sinful Dwarf Strip-o-Gram
Happy birthday, my fiend, and many happy returns!
As our present to you, a few of the Duke's Greatest Hits!
- Alucarda (1978)
- Les Demons (1972)
- The Girl Slaves of Morgana Le Fay (1971)
- Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan (198?)
- Malabimba, the Malicious Whore (1979)
- Night of the Howling Beast (1975)
- Satanico Pandemonium (1975)
- School of the Holy Beast (1974)
- And of course, El Ultimo Kamikaze (1984)!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Nurse Sherri (1978): or, This Nurse Possessed
What is it about the 70s nurses' uniforms that just exuded sex? The easily unzippable white minidress, just barely covering the tops of those coquettish white stockings, promising but not quite delivering a glimpse of garter belt? The traditional cap, clearly influenced by that sexiest of sexy-stern headwear, the nun's wimple? Was it the tied-up hair, ready to be whipped down when the doctor was away, loosing the wildcat that the professional woman must keep in check? Was it the clipboard? The horn-rimmed glasses? The sensible shoes?
Whatever it was, shlockmeister Al Adamson recognized the potential in the figure of the Woman of Healing, and in a your-chocolate's-in-my-peanut-butter moment, put it together with the horror rage of the day, possession. The result: Adamson's 1978 grindhouse cheapie Nurse Sherri, aka The Possession of Nurse Sherri, aka Terror Hospital. Hoping to cash in on the likes of The Exorcist, Carrie, and Ruby (all of which are name-dropped in the largely unrepresentative trailer), Adamson pulled out all the stops and threw the throttle open. But did the crash result in a delicious Reese's Cup, or something more sinister, like a Mr. Goodbar?
After some incongruously sci-fi opening titles (glowing letters and heavy theremin music reminiscent of the Outer Limits or Dark Shadows theme), we find ourselves in the presumably Californian desert, where a small cult is doing its cultish bidness under the guidance of spiritual leader Reanhauer (Gary Busey-lookalike Bill Roy). The cult is indeed a motley bunch--though Reanhauer and his right-hand man Stevens (J.C. Wells) wear business-casual sport coats and ties, other cult members model everything from hippie-print muscle tees to construction-worker chic to a rather amazingly colorful flower-print muumuu...which all goes to show how people from all walks of life have fallen under Reanhauer's hypnotic spell.
The main item on the cultish agenda just now is to heal one of their members of his diabetes using only their faith and the guru's limitless powers--a project Reanhauer insists is going well, despite the fact that the boy in question is three weeks dead! Stevens is having a crisis of conscience ("You convinced that boy and that boy's mother he didn't have to take insulin to save his life!" "He doesn't!" Reanhauer replies. "Not NOW he doesn't!" Stevens shoots back), but the cult leader puts it all down to a poisonous lack of faith and expels Stephens from the fold. When the nearly-rotten corpse seems to move during a particularly intense chant-o-thon, Reanhauer experiences such a rush of personal vindication that he collapses on the spot with a massive coronary!
Witchcult Today
Rushed to Our Lady of Cinderblocks City Hospital, the cult leader is toiled over by a group of crack surgeons and one extremely well-endowed nurse. It's not quite clear at this point what happens to the old man, though, as we soon start following Nurse Sherri (Jill Jacobson) and her day-to-day life around the wards. This consists mainly of flirting with her surgeon boyfriend Peter (Geoffrey Land), who seems to get off on sneaking up and shoving biohazard-encrusted gloves in his girlfriend's face. (Sample flirtatious dialogue: "You look so nice when you shake like that!" "Oh, go take a shower in formaldehyde!") She also passes the hours making innuendo-laden small talk with coworkers Tara (blaxploitation star Marilyn Joi) and Beth (Mary Kay "No I Didn't Sock It to the Harper Valley PTA" Pass).
Nurse Tara is our secondary focal point in the flick, as she develops a love/hate/REALLY LOVE relationship with NFL star Marcus Washington (Prentiss Moulden), whose free agent prospects have been lessened by his catching two eyes-full of windshield glass in a freak car accident. While Tara struggles to get through his wall of self-pity and crushed dreams via tales of her own super-fandom, Marcus can't seem to tumble to the fact that she's not a red-haired blue-eyed white woman, leading to some near hilarity and Tara exasperatedly labeling him a "bigot." They get over it later, however, and pair up as American viewers in the 70s had come to expect thanks to The Isaac Rule.*
*Established by the influential TV series "The Love Boat," The Isaac Rule (named for Ted Lange's character, Isaac the Bartender) stated that if an attractive woman of color boarded The Love Boat, it meant Isaac (the sole African American on staff) would be involved in a romantic subplot that week. The non-Love Boat corollary held that whenever two (non-villain) people of color of opposite sexes appeared in a movie of the era, they either were a couple, or would become one over the course of the narrative.
Love is Blind, and Needs a Fresh Bedpan
Al Adamson makes some questionable directorial choices here, not the least of which is withholding information from the audience until several scenes AFTER it becomes important. For instance, we don't find out for another half hour or so that Reanhauer refused care once he regained consciousness ("The powers of SCIENCE are FINITE! Mine are LIMITLESS!"), but that the chief of surgery opted to operate anyway, at which point the cult leader expired on the operating table. We also learn at that point via flashback that Reanhauer had struck up a strange relationship with Sherri, telling her she was "the one" or some other mumbo jumbo meant to explain why she'd be the target of his post-mortem attentions. At any rate, it comes out later that the green mist is Reanhauer's spirit, possessing Sherri to get revenge on his enemies from beyond the grave.
Possessed by the Need to Boogie
Also on the enemies list for some reason never made clear is Marcus Washington--but as luck would have it, the half-back's grandma was a voodoo priestess, and gave him a silver bracelet with the power to ward off evil spirits. Thwarted, Reanhauer turns his noncorporeal attentions to Stevens, who's become a drunken hobo since the cult went belly-up and is now pestering Peter for the location of Reanhauer's grave, so he can exhume the cult leader and burn his body, thus putting an end to his powers, somehow. Stevens manages to get the info (after a car chase/interrogation in which Stevens jumps out of a cliff-bound car Dick Tracy-style at the last minute!) and tosses a sheet-wrapped body into a smelting furnace downtown, which is clearly his only corpse-immolating option. Unfortunately in his drunken stupor he's dug up the wrong body, and takes a ghost-assisted nose-dive into the smelter himself, which given his blood alcohol level allows him to go out in a blaze of Mad Dog 20/20.
That Ain't Hay
Nurse Sherri is a movie that puts me in a strange though not unique position review-wise: I have a great time talking about all the wild and crazy stuff that happens in the movie, which might give readers an inflated idea of how much I enjoyed the movie as it was actually rolling across my screen. Put simply, it's NOT a good film. The aforementioned narrative shuffling is a real problem, and robs the proceedings of the already small amount of menace they might have had if things had been presented in the order they happened. The acting is high school play level at best--Geoffrey Land as Dr. Peter is particularly atrocious--although Joi acquits herself the best of anyone, and Bill Roy is entertaining enough as the scenery-feasting villain. The effects are laughable, the gore mostly of the "you got some ketchup on your face there" variety, and certain plot elements just don't make a lick of sense, even considering the budget. (For example, a body pops up out of nowhere in Sherri's apartment just before the Final Confrontation, and I'm damned if I know who she was supposed to be our how she ended up dead behind the sofa.) Despite Adamson's rather lengthy filmography by this point, the term that kept springing to mind as I watched was "fucking amateurish."
The Romance is Gone
Still, if you like sexy nurses (who doesn't?) and low-grade cinematic cheese (ditto?), have a thing for possession flicks or a fetish for super-ugly 70s wallpaper, you might get a few yuks out of Nurse Sherri. As for me, I'll settle on a slightly more entertaining than average 1.75 thumbs and call it a day. And for all my diabetic parishioners, remember: it's okay to have faith in your local cult leader, but you might want to keep monitoring those glucose levels just in case. Believe me, I know.
A few more images from Nurse Sherri (1978):
Sherri and the Girls
"So, have you ladies had your yearly exams?"
"Say...whatever DID happen to Randolph Scott?"
Not covered by his HMO
There is no escape from the Horror of 70s Wallpaper
One too many Ho-Hos
Monday, November 2, 2009
The House by the Cemetery (1981): Or, How We Learn That Fiddle Faddle Is A Catalyst For Evil
Greetings friends! It is I, the Duke of DVD, once more appearing behind you in the bathroom mirror as you floss your crusted teeth, digging my cinematic claws into your shoulders and then spinning you around, to vomit the truth that is horror film magic down your gasping piehole! Today I tackle yet another fine film by Italian horror great Lucio Fulci. First, a couple of little-known facts about Fulci:
1) He once masturbated onto the grave of a well-known English poet.
2) He bred jackals for amusement and in order to save on pest control costs.
3) He single-handedly murdered an entire fiefdom whilst on a drunken bender.
Our movie today is "The House by the Cemetery" and once again we have a movie title which explains so much. It's not just any house, folks. Oh no! It's one by a fucking cemetery. It should be common sense by now that you just don't move into said houses. Not even if you get a killer deal on it, people! With that said, let's explore, shall we?
Our movie starts off as all horror movies should: with bare breasts. It seems a young couple figured an old abandoned, cob-web-filled house sitting next to a cemetery would be a grand spot to go shag in. The girl wakes up after no doubt exhausting herself straddling her man's hog, and begins to call out for her lover, who is nowhere to be found.
A certain house... by a certain cemetery.
Wandering through the house, she finally finds him... hanging from a door with his head bashed open! Before you can say "Wow, check out the funbags on that hosehound!", she opens her mouth to scream and gets a kitchen knife rammed through the back of her skull, out the front of her mouth. Nice effects here, I must say! Someone with a mangled arm drags her off, down into the cellar.
"Do I have something in my teeth?"
Next we cut to New York City, where Dr. Norman (Paolo Malco) and his wife Lucy (played by Fulci alum Catriona MacColl) are getting ready for some vacation time with their 6-year-old son Bob. It seems Norman is taking over the research of a colleague after his disappearance. Said research involves a little hamlet out in the country, and a certain house by a certain cemetery. Now where do you suppose the couple and child will end up?
Bob shows off the latest in pumpkin pie haircuts.
That's right, before you can say "Fulci, I love your beard!", the couple arrive at the fabled house with a real estate agent. The agent shows them around the quaint house, and then leaves, but not before running over a headstone in the cemetery with her Jeep! Talk about a bad omen! The couple begin moving things in and repairing stuff around the house to make it livable. A quick glance around the kitchen reveals a cellar door that has been boarded up, probably for good reason.
"Don't mind me, I'm just desecrating this cemetery, by your fucking HOUSE!"
Meanwhile, the son Bob has begun seeing a young girl around town. This ghost girl is seen and talks only to Bob, and warns him repeatedly not to go into the house, and especially not to go into the cellar. Sage advice, no doubt. We first see the creepy ghost girl standing outside a store in the small town, looking at a mannequin. Suddenly, the mannequin's head falls off, and it starts bleeding all over! We don't know what this means, but I'm sure we'll find out!
Forged on an altar of evil by Lucifer Himself, Fiddle Faddle exudes an aura of evil.
To add to all this, a creepy babysitter named Ann shows up outta nowhere and basically moves herself in, the better to take care of little Bob. The babysitter looks like she's drugged at all times and tends to answer questions using only grunts. Turns out, the babysitter looks exactly like the mannequin that was decapitated! Another ill omen, for sure.
"Don't worry honey, we'll get more Fiddle Faddle, I promise!"
After the couple settle in, Norman goes into town to work on his research. Lucy, meanwhile, does some light cleaning. Moving back a rug in the living room, she discovers a tomb! Written on it is the name "Dr. Freudstein." As soon as she discovers this, loud banging and moaning start to emanate from the house, leaving her in hysterics by the time Norman gets home. She shows him the tomb, and without missing a beat, Norman utters one of the best lines in horror movie history:
"Most of the homes in this area have tombs in the living room. This isn't New York ya know!"
Indeed, Norman. Indeed! At any rate, the tomb gets ignored for now. Instead, more pressing matters are dealt with, mainly what the heck is in the cellar? Norman pries the boards away and finds a skeleton key that fits the lock, only it won't turn. Using a knife as leverage, he finally opens it up. No sooner has he got the door open when suddenly a bat flies out and attacks Lucy, tangling up in her hair! Norman grabs the bat, but it latches onto his hand and won't let go. Apparently this is a vampire bat with a particularly clingy grip. Norman finally stabs it, and stabs through his own hand, with a pair of scissors, in an attempt to kill it. Finally, the bat is dead, but not before everyone standing in the kitchen is covered in blood.
"Take that, winged spawn of Satan!"
The next day, the real estate agent stops by to see if everyone is getting along ok. Finding no one at home, she snoops around, until she accidentally steps through the tomb in the living room floor! Her foot trapped, she tries to free herself, when suddenly the, er, "thing" living in the basement appears and rams a fireplace poker through her side... then through her chest, then finally into her neck, which causes death. I have to applaud the effects here. Lots of blood gushing and semi-realistic pokerings.
"Remember me... as a desecrator of graves..."
The basement thing drags the agent's body down to the cellar. The next morning, babysitter Ann is seen scrubbing the floors. No one questions the giant blood trail, but I guess that's a common occurrence when living in a House by the Cemetery. The dad, meanwhile, continues his research and Bob the kid plays games with a dead girl only he can see. The babysitter happens by the kitchen and notices the cellar door ajar. Thinking Bob is down there, she goes to investigate. Bob, meanwhile, is upstairs.
The cellar door locks behind her and won't open, and her screams finally draw Bob downstairs, but first he grabs a stuffed monkey and a gay pink plastic pistol for protection. He can't open the door either, and finally the babysitter's cries are silenced by the basement thing, who cuts her throat multiple times from multiple sides before finally decapitating her. Bob finally gets the door open and goes to investigate, seeing nothing until Ann's head bounces down the stairs behind him.
Everyone wants a babysitter who will give a little head on the side...
Lucy comes home to find Bob in his room, crying in a corner, mumbling about Ann's head. They go to the cellar together to investigate, and find nothing. The mother assures Bob that Ann's alive. Later that night, Bob gets up and goes on another investigation. Standing at the top of the stairs, he utters the immortal line: "Ann? Mommy says you aren't dead, is that true?" He sees evil glowing eyes in the shadows of the cellar, and flees in terror. But of course the door won't open.
Lucy tries the key, but it snaps in half. Finally, just as the cellar thing is closing in on poor Bob, Norman arrives home. Apparently, he's figured out exactly what research was going on. He starts raving about Dr. Freudstein still being alive, despite the snazzy tomb in the house. He can't open the door either, so he grabs a nearby hatchet and tells Bob to stand back.
Tired of his son's foppish 'do, Norman employs a non-standard hair-cutting technique.
Unbeknownst to him, Dr. Freudstein (aka the basement thing), grabs Bob's head and shoves it up against the door. This provides a fairly original and tense scene where Norman repeatedly whacks the door with the hatchet, always coming within inches of his son's head. I give major kudos to Fulci for this scene. Finally, the door opens, and Norman and Lucy rush in just as Dr. Freudstein tosses Bob down the stairs.
"The Doctor... is in."
Helping Bob to his feet, they see the cellar is decorated with all of Dr. Freudstien's victims. Norman explains loudly: "He needs human victims to stay alive, he has to renew his cells!" With that out of the way, he grabs a handy knife lying nearby and stabs Dr. F with it repeatedly. What I can only describe as "maggot gravy" pours out of the wound, onto the floor. Not deterred by the knife attack, Dr. F grabs Norman by the throat, and tears it out! Norman basically just watches this happen to himself, not trying to escape at all. (Note that Dr. Freudstein moves at a glacial pace.)
Here we see the 3 phases of Maggot Gravy.
Lucy, whilst screaming, notices a back staircase that leads up to the tomb in the living room. Dragging a screaming Bob with her, she tries to open the tomb at the top of the stairs as Dr. F slowly climbs up after her. Bob genuinely looks terrified and I wonder if the poor kid is still in therapy to this day, having shot this movie and been witness to all that Fulci has to offer. Lucy has no luck, and Dr. Freudstien drags her screaming down the stairs, her head bashing on each step.
Meanwhile, Bob squeezes through the crack in the tomb created by the real estate agent's foot, and he manages to escape. Up top, he's suddenly in the ghostly realm of the ghost girl, who is waiting for him there along with her ghost mother. The movie ends with them and Bob, walking down the road, leaving the House by the Cemetery behind.
"Is it ok if I stay here a while, despite my haircut?"
Wow, what a movie! I, for one, was very impressed by this film. It had a little bit of everything, but mostly it had great effects that made me clap with glee. Sure, the plot was nonsensical, and the victims should have been able to easily get away from the shambling Dr. Freudstein, but otherwise, bravo Fulci!
I think everyone should give this movie a spin, should it cross your path, and remember, avoid the Fiddle Faddle!
2 Thumbs Up!
Bonus pics:
"Stop & Shop. Your number one source for Fiddle Faddle in the tri-state area!"
"But mom, this Stop & Shop milk tastes like it came from a male bat."
Fiddle Faddle, where it lurks evil is sure to follow.
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