Thursday, August 16, 2007

Vampyres: or, Is That a Stake in Your Pocket? No, Seriously, Is It?


In recent years--decades even, starting perhaps in the mid 80s--the vampire movie has fallen upon hard times. We've been deluged with so many pale, emaciated, Cure/Bauhaus-inspired effeminite depression clinic-reject club-hopping vampires in frilly costumes, or else with so many Blade-wannabe leather-clad gangstas-cum-fangstas in flicks that were less about vampires than about car chases, 'splosions, and kung-fu-fighting, it's been hard to maintain one's faith in the ability of the vampire to inspire anything more than antipathy, mild amusement, or outright boredom. Certainly it's been a while since I've seen a vampire flick that I thought was artfully made and engaging, and longer still since I can actually say I found one frightening.

However, I needed only stretch my purview back a little farther, to the early-to-mid 70s, to find what I'd been missing for so long--artfully made cinema, with an engaging plot and vampires who are intriguing, alluring, exciting, and dare I say it, even frightening.

The film: José Ramón Larraz's 1974 masterpiece--yes, I said MASTERPIECE--Vampyres.

Here's a flick that does just about everything right. The cinematography? Lush and exquisite. The settings? Evocative and beautiful. The story? A fantastic modernization without losing the gothic roots and mysterious underpinnings of the myth. The mortal cast? Believeable and engaging. The vampyres themselves? Oh, my.

Here's a movie that starts off with a bang, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, as we find ourselves in an ornate, gothic bedroom, standing over a dark wood four-poster draped with velvety fabrics, upon which lie two of the more gorgeous euro-babes you could hope to see, the voluptuous Marianne Morris and the alabaster beauty Anulka, nekkid as the day they was birthed and all over one another. It's a sumptuous scene in every respect, and immediately makes you want to stake somebody, if you know what I mean, as within seconds we have our first lesbonic nip-lick. Then just as you've settled into the gorgeousity of this dream-come-true, you get the literal bang--a mysterious, shadowy figure in what looks to be a puritan cap (Symbolism!) creeps in and shoots the poor lovers dead. A cloud of bats obfuscates the screen and continue to flutter back and forth in darkness as the credits roll.

Señor Larraz, YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION.

In short order after this we are taken from the strangely timeless bedroom scene to a definitively modern-day Europe (well, modern-day in 1974) where we meet a mysterious man checking into a local hotel. Not long after this we meet a young couple traveling in their caravan, looking for a remote spot to camp so she can paint and he can sit around looking attractively androgynous and perhaps doing a little fishing. They are a winning and engaging couple, and as they drive down country roads they pass a couple of strange women hitchhiking in flowing gothic dress--or rather one, a brunette, hitchhiking, while another, a blonde, hides a little way off the road in the forest. The sight is strange and dreamlike, and although they don't stop, the girl of the couple can't help thinking about these ladies as they continue down the road. Soon we see a man stop to pick up the hitchhiking woman, a woman who looks suspiciously like one of the murdered lovers from the first scene. But then it's back to the camping couple, who find a spot in a forested area near an "abandoned" gothic manor and set up camp for a few days of fun and frolic.

That night though, haunted by dreams of the strange women, the girl wakes up to the sound of a scream coming from the abandoned manor and sees a hand on her window. Though androgynous hearthrob investigates, he finds nothing.

The next day the hitchhiking ladies are at it again, and this time the brunette is picked up by our mysterious stranger from the inn. We get to follow him as he follows her into the abandoned manor, through decrepit hallways and finally to a modernly furnished love nest in the middle of the house. After a few bottles of wine and some energetic sex our hero wakes up to find himself groggy, anemic, and bleeding from a deep cut in the crook of his elbow. Blood is on the sheets, but his partner is nowhere to be found in the bright light of day. He finds the campers nearby, gets some bandages from them, but as if under a spell returns to the house to wait for his mistress to return.

"You got a little something on your lip there...wait, I'll get it."

From there on out the movie is concerned with the interlocking stories of the mysterious man enslaved by his vampyre mistresses and kept alive as a sex- and blood-slave, while the camping couple begins to think that maybe something strange IS going on over in that house. There are a few more unfortunate hitchhikers, a strange confrontation between the painter and the vampyres, and a climax that left me feeling satisfied but more than a little unsettled.

But the plot is less the point here than the atmosphere and the suspense, which are both ratcheted up to eleven by the director and the actors. Morris as the imperious brunette (obviously the leader) is haughty, cold, and enticing with her distant iciness. Even the way she carries herself as she leads the mysterious stranger into her house tells you a great deal about her character, as she's rigid and no-nonsense, very imperious. Anulka is more withdrawn and submissive, but impossibly beautiful and alluring, with a younger girlish quality to counterpoint Marianne Morris's older-woman-of-experience vibe. She also seems more animalistic and out of control, as when in a shocking scene she comes to Marianne for help and pulls her into the bedroom where they find Anulka's victim (another kindly driver) naked, covered in blood (really a shocking amount of gore) and convulsing on the bed. When the vampyres fall upon him and tear at his bloody flesh like animals, it's disturbing, really frightening, and strangely arousing all at once.

The human characters are great too--the mystery man is not attractive at all, but believably pudgy and ordinary-looking, helplessly enslaved by the powerful vampyres who lust for both his body and his blood. The couple in the camper are great counterpoints of innocence to the vamps' and mystery man's experience. And when the girl discovers the vamps leaving their tomb in the dusk, there is a strange suggestion that she was fated to come here, as Marianne Morris tells her, "I always knew you'd come." Like many mysteries in this movie, however, that one also doesn't play out quite the way you'd expect, and the result is a real shock to even the jaded viewer.

In case you can't tell, I love this movie. It avoids so many pitfalls that later vamp movies leap into willingly. There is never any long exposition of the vampyres' origin and what their FEEEEEEEEEEEELINGS are about being so immortal and beautiful; mostly, it's just the day-to-day trials and tribulations, complications, desires and frustrations of living as a creature who must hunt human blood to survive. Their routine of hitchhiking, seduction, feeding is rather mundane but also unsettling in ways that flicks like Bloodrayne or Underworld never even hint at--they don't even have the intellect necessary to envision it. So no over-explanation. Also, no silly Van-Helsing character pops up to explain it all and rally the troops for a fight to the finish with the undead. No, we have thoroughly modern characters dealing with ageless supernatural forces, and as such the mortals are at a terrible and ultimately tragic disadvantage.

There are some great touches here that just had me in love with this flick all the way through, little things that together make the whole movie. Such as the trance-state the vamps go into after feeding, during which time they are vulnerable and must count on each other to protect themselves. Or the use of blades and glass rather than fangs; or a scene where the mystery man finds a covered mirror--a throwaway scene, but so full of portent. And the ending, which as I say I was surprised by.

But the thing this movie does best--better perhaps than any other vamp movie I've seen--is the eroticism. These vamps are SMOKIN HAWT, and their scenes with one another, either on their own or when they're feeding--oh, man. You get a real sense of their hunger not only for blood, but for flesh, for contact, for life--and not altogether in an exploitative way. I mean, it IS that, but it is also important to the overall vibe of the movie, the themes of loneliness and dependence and even love in impossible situations, filtered through vampirism and bloodlust.

There were a couple of things I could criticize--the post-script ending was a little quick and pat for my taste (how'd the realtor get word so quick? was it a dream?), and many times the vamps seem to be out in broad daylight, although I figured out from inference later that they were only supposed to be in the twilight and dusk (Marianne saying "I saw it was getting late," or Anulka admonishing, "It's nearly dawn! We must go!"), so that's a little confusing. But overall those minor nitpicks do nothing to lessen the impact of this, now one of the Vicar's favorite vampire films.

I went and grabbed the Duke so I could give this movie a full 6 thumbs, double-plus-plus good. Highly, highly, HIGHLY recommended.

You know you want it.

MORE MADNESS...

Dungeon of Harrow (1962): or, Harrow How You Doin'?


DoH features the tannest villain in the annuals of villainy. This guy looks like George Hamilton crossed with the dude that played J. Peterman on Seinfeld. He tends to dress like Hugh Hefner and speak in either quiet soliloquies or piercing shrieks. I speak, of course, of Count DeSade, the monarchial tyrant who rules a few people on a remote island. By “a few people” I mean a giant black dude who affects a turbaned, Sultan-esque look that serves as a general lackey, a hawt young chick that fails to get into any state of undress, and an older lady who tries her best to act like a piece of wood while on screen.

I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Let’s start at the beginning, which is a ship voyage in which our protag Fallon is heading somewhere, we aren’t sure where, it doesn’t matter cause he doesn’t get there. During a killer storm in which the ship’s occupants are tossed like so much detritus, and featuring some of the happiest ship-in-a-storm music ever put to film, the good Fallon gets tossed unceremoniously overboard. Washing up on a beach, and pulled from the surf by the Captain of said vessel, we are given a glimpse of the awesome unintentional humor that this movie is soaked in as we see that Fallon’s pants are dry as a bone, except for the arse. How did this happen to someone being pulled from the ocean? Maybe it’s the magic of the island!

The island, which looks suspiciously like the woods behind a Hollywood soundstage, is inhabited by the nefarious Count DeSade. Little do the Captain and Fallon know what they are in for! They are awoken from sleep by the sound of a pack of ravenous dogs tearing into an unlucky woman. Investigating the next day, they find her mutilated corpse and decide to find out what exactly is going on around here.

It is here that we are treated to our DeSade introduction, and what an introduction it is! DeSade, looking mighty tan and sweaty, is berating his lackey. This quickly devolves into DeSade having a raving breakdown, as he is prone to do, which causes him to start hearing voices. At first I thought this must be Satan talking, but no, instead it is DeSade’s own inner monologue, manifesting itself as a fat man that resembles the ghost of Col. Sanders. This split personality torments poor DeSade, inflicting upon him a rubber cobra, a rubber bat which DeSade grapples with, and finally a gigantic, terrifying rubber spider which has clearly visible wires running from it. This scene is awesome, and really gives us a good indication of the Count’s mental state.

Fallon and the Capt. get shanghaied by the lackey while crossing a field. Fallon employs the most faggy gay homosexual fighting style known to mankind, and ends up going down like a date on prom night to the lackey, who basically shakes him into passing out. Great stuff. Fallon wakes up in the Count’s mansion and we are introduced to the older lady. The rapport between her and Fallon basically sounds like two barristers arguing the legality of obscure Tort laws designed to impugn the general populace of Dunny on the Wode. Seriously, it’s like they are quoting some High Chant dictionary written by druids. The general gist is that Fallon is invited to dine with the Count, which he accepts.

Upon entering the dining room and seating himself, he graciously thanks his host, which causes the Count to fly into an instant, quivering rage. Standing suddenly, he slams his fists down upon the table, shaking and tan, he glares murder at Fallon. The wooden lady goes, “The Count does not tolerate conversation during repast.” Fallon turns to her and goes, “You can tell the Count that he can very well go to Hell!” This ranks right up there with Naschy’s immortal line about bitches in chains. I cheered and applauded at this line, it was just so over the top perfect. Fallon occasionally narrates the movie, and he does so during the quiet dinner, and here we have our 2nd awesome line, “I studied the Count. His eyes bore that glint of paranoid inbreeding.” Indeed!

I’ll stop with the play-by-play now, for I wouldn’t want to give away the secret of the island. Such things you’ll see and discover! The Rack, Chinese Water Torture, windy hallways that nearly blow people down with their force, fog machines that engulf people in sudden blasts of cloudy mist, ever-present handy weapons available on the walls, crazed lepers, the list goes on….

I would give DoH 2 solid thumbs. The transfer is horrid, the audio barely audible, but oh is the dialogue and acting so very much worth it! Tan dictators, wooden mistresses, queer fighting styles, young hawt women being flogged, this movie has it all. No nudity, though, but there are a few spots that I think had them that had obvious cuts. I would jump at the chance to buy an unedited version of this movie that had a better transfer. Highly recommended!

MORE MADNESS...

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Blancheville Monster (1963), or Horror, or The Fall of the House of Blancheville, or a Po’ Man’s Poe


It’s nothing unusual to see a b-movie from the past released under different titles. I remembering once renting a movie called The Seven Doors of Death! based on the interesting name, only to discover once I got it home that it was Fulci’s The Beyond, which I’d already seen under that title. Par for the course, really, especially with Italian flicks.

But seldom do you see on that presents you with ALL its titles in the opening credits! Yes, this movie opens with the title card HORROR, and then follows it up seconds later with the alternate title, THE BLANCHEVILLE MONSTER! Why not just The Blancheville Monster? Or The Blancheville Horror? Or even Horror of the Blancheville Monster? I guess because that just didn't sufficiently capture the horror nor the monstrosity of what we are about to witness. Or maybe they just didn't think of it. Still, questions must be asked.

What we have here is a cut-rate rendition of Poe’s “The Fall of the House of Usher,” as young Miss Blancheville returns home from university to find her father dead, her brother Roderick in charge of the estate, and a whole new batch of servants. We hit the buried-alive plot point late in the movie, and the brother-going-mad thing, but not before we’re treated to a fun little melodrama involving hypnosis, a family curse very reminiscent of the Karnstein curse in Crypt of Horror, and a disfigured figure who may or may not be the Blanchevilles’ father. Add one of the slimier period-piece doctors ever to wear a Van Dyke and a Barbara Steele-wannabe governess, and you’re in business!

Fun aspects here include: Roderick’s great harpsichord playing; some fantastic sets including the old manor house and the ruined abbey nearby; a great spookshow sequence with Lady Blancheville’s friend wandering through the darkened manor and finding her way to the tower with some genuinely creepy moments; and the Scooby-doo mystery of the scar-faced man, which wasn’t too hard to figure out but still fun. (Though one had to wonder why the killer didn’t just, you know, KILL THE GIRL instead of going to so much trouble with his disguises and whatnot.) And for the b-movie perv in all of us, some extended moonlight sleepwalks by Lady Blancheville with the backlit-gossamer gown shot in full effect. Rowr!

Can you ever get enough of backlit gossamer gown shots? I think not.

The melodrama is thick, and the intrusive score does a lot of the acting for the players (ominous orchestral stings signal someone’s mental unease, etc.), but that just adds to the fun. 1.85 thumbs, if you’re in the mood for a creaky old chiller with a little cold still running through its veins.

Extra credit question: where did the killer get a latex burn mask in 1884?

MORE MADNESS...

The Legend of Bigfoot (1976): or, You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yeti!

Ivan Marx is a man on a mission. After scoffing for years at tales of the great musk ape roaming the American wilderness, he has a St. Paul-ine conversion when he comes face to face with the Sasquatch himself. To (mis)quote another group of famous primates:

Since he saw that ape
Now he’s a believer!
There’s not a trace
of doubt in his mind!

and he wants to let the world know that Bigfoot is real. Using family, friends, and an extensive stock footage library, Ivan sets out to bring back undeniable proof of Bigfoot’s existence.

The footage he brings back of cavorting Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) is shocking, to say the least, but probably not in the way Mr. Marx intended, as you can almost see the seams at the bottom of the shuffling Sasquatch’s fur pants. Still, despite the amateurish “authentic” footage, there’s nothing to indicate that Ivan did not intend everyone to take him seriously. He rants venomously and entertainingly against the “EXPERTS!” who call his footage fake and Bigfoot a hoax.

More entertaining is the fact that within 30 mins it becomes obvious Marx is not concerned with proving the Legend of Bigfoot, but rather with creating the Legend of Ivan Marx. Along the way we get the hilarious Bigfoot/Curly shuffle, some intriguing stories about the Sasquatch’s ability to channel dead Eskimo ancestors and make the skies run red with blood (?!), thrilling re-creations of Marx’s own Bigfoot sightings, and the “shining eyes of the beast” footage that is obviously someone in the field with some headlights on a battery. Through it all, though, Ivan keeps up his best Marlon Perkins impression, and treats us to some genuinely stunning nature footage, whether his own or stock footage hardly matters. Gorgeous shots of glaciers, rivers, mountains, and swamps, not to mention majestic moose footage, make it worth watching for the slightly-skewed nature enthusiast, as Marx’s narration will not fail to bring a smile. (The love-story narration of a ground squirrel’s plight brought tears to my eyes with its pathos and skillfull editing.)

Marx's theories about Bigfoot’s migration patterns and possible origins is kooky, but all in all I found myself entertained and give it a 1.75. Your smileage may vary.

Bonus: mountain goats committing ritual suicide!

MORE MADNESS...

The Devil’s Hand: or To Make Your Fortune, You Have to Take a Gamba


Dateline, 1962: a low-rent Cary Grant quits his job due to his chronic insomnia, leading to tension between him and his strangely-accented fiancee Donna. He's troubled by night visions of a woman in a sheer gown dancing in the clouds, as if transposed there by double exposure! He soon learns the dancing woman whose visage haunts his dreams is actually resides in his neighborhood, albeit in Barbie-doll form. Entering the doll shop to inquire about the uncanny likeness, Cary is drawn into an exclusive, white-collar club that meets in the doll shop’s basement, whose stodgy white members have gained material wealth by committing their souls to the worship of the Great Devil-God Gamba!

Oh, and the doll lady is real and puts out a lot more quickly than the fiancee, so soon enough Cary is a devil-worshiping fool. Natch.*

Though there’s no explanation as to how all these crackers got into voodoo, the doll-shop basement is festooned with Hindu god statues, a Crowleyan altar, and a Congo-playing black drummer and two black dancers. The dancers are the only black couple presented as members of the group, and their purpose seems to be to get up and do jungle dances for all the white folk. In 1962, I can’t help thinking this was a big deal, and the undercurrent of Anglo-centrism is unmistakable, but so quaint-seeming and silly now that it’s hard to get offended at. Plus, I imagine they and the drummer are the only people in the room who probably realize that this is totally not how voodoo works.

After Cary meets the girl of his dreams, she puts a voodoo-doll curse on Donna and moves in to take the sick girl’s man. Cary promises his soul to the Great Devil-God Gamba! for riches and possession of the blonde dancing witchy woman, with predictable Faustian results. Most fun here is the aforementioned silliness in the Gambese religion, the innuendo that flies fast and furious between Cary and the witchy girl (until it becomes out-and-out-uendo), and the doll shop owner Mr. LaMont (dummy!) who is actually pretty creepy as the Great Devil-God Gamba!’s high priest, recalling Boris Karloff in The Black Cat. And the respectable-people-in-a-devil-cult theme here prefigures Rosemary’s Baby by more than ten years, so that’s cool too. 1.5 out of 3 thumbs, a solid C--good enough to graduate and stay on the football team!

*So think about it ladies, what's more important--respecting yourself in the morning, or keeping your man out of a devil-god-worshiping cult? I think you know the answer.

MORE MADNESS...

Friday, August 10, 2007

Memorial Valley Massacre: or, Captain Caveman Goes Nutzoid


I guess by 1988, most of the holiday horror films had already been made. Halloween, Black Christmas, My Bloody Valentine, April Fool's Day, Bloody New Year, Mother's Day...directors were rapidly running out of holidays during which to set their fear flicks. And though it would be a good five years before the trend (and little person celebrity Warwick Davis) would reach its nadir by settling on everyone's favorite Irish/American parade day, for director/writer John C. Hughes, pickings must have looked pretty slim. I can imagine the titles scribbled on wadded pieces of paper in his wastebasket: The Columbus Day Slayings? Violence on Veteran's Day? Washington's Bloody Birthday? Nothing quite clicked. Still, Hughes was determined to deliver a holiday-themed slasher, and it was only a matter of time before all the tumblers clicked into place and unlocked the door to filmic history--before Hughes' sleep-bleary eyes settled on the last Monday of May...

MEMORIAL DAY.

Suddenly, everything must have just flooded from his pen onto the page. A secluded campground, where legions of prospective victims come for fun and frolic...the dark secrets of a sinister past lurking out beyond the tree line...a park ranger who is the only man that can overcome the evil, if he vanquish his own inner demons first. And a killer driven to righteous rage by the inconsiderate campers who toss aluminum cans into streams and drive their ATVs roughshod over mountain trails, despoiling Mother Nature without a thought to the consequences...a killer dressed in animal skins...

Hughes's finished product, Memorial Valley Massacre, is an almost perfect storm of b-movie cheese. Bad acting? Sure. Low rent effects? Uh-huh. Ridiculous, endlessly quotable dialog? Oh yeah. Casio keyboard score? Holla! Characters that could only exist in a silly 80s slasher? Check the hell out of that! It all adds up to about an hour and forty minutes of fun, a little slice of b-movie heaven.

John Kerry (not THAT one, sadly--though he would have been awesome in this role) plays Park Ranger George Webster, formerly "the best special forces tracker in Viet Nam!", now an alcoholic shell of a man reduced by personal tragedy to looking over Cameron Mitchell's corporate-sponsored campground development, Memorial Valley. Seventeen years ago Webster's infant son was kidnapped, and after a botched sting operation during the ransom payment, his son and the kidnapper vanished into Memorial Valley, never to be seen again. He's spent the better part of the last two decades scouring the woods (in between drinking binges) looking for his son. Perhaps alcohol has dulled his tracking abilities, or perhaps the Memorial Valley flora is harder to read than Viet Nam jungle bush, but for whatever reason, he's been entirely unsuccessful.

Not wanting to see his investment founder, Mitchell brings in his son David to keep an eye on Webster. The tension between the two is palpable, though through the course of the movie each earns the other's grudging respect. Memorial Valley Campground is set to open on Memorial Day Weekend, but someone is sabotaging the event--a construction worker is killed (prior to the opening credits) and the water supply is tainted with the decomposing body of the guard dog assigned to watch the equipment. Though Webster wants to cancel the opening, Mitchell insists they open anyway--and the campers roll in, heedless of the danger.

And what a group of campers we have: the independent, lone hawt chick, who at first rejects the young David's advances, but later embraces them fully; the middle-aged biker group, pining for the days when they were a force to be reckoned with, now just paunchy old guys trailing beer cans and carbon monoxide; the strange teen threesome there for a weekend of hormone-induced revelry, though the female of the groups seems content to pit the boys against each other and never "deliver"; the gravel-throated marine Lt. Mintz and his buxom wife Pepper; and the amazing man-child Walter, a delinquent with woman's voice and Sydney Greenstreet's physique who steals every scene he's in, as well as the viewers' hearts.

And then there's the killer himself, who we see less than 15 minutes in as he wrecks the camp's storage shed--and he's a caveman! Looking like a cross between the Ultimate Warrior and an extra from Quest for Fire, this friend of nature fights back against the destructive forces of civilization, with bloody results.

This movie is so much fun, I don't want to ruin it for anyoneby going into great detail, but here's a few things you can expect going in: a Casio keyboard score that is THE STAR of the movie; wanton destruction of nature; a crowd of "poisonous" garden snakes on a picnic table; the teen cocktease (who has chronic nipple-itis) doing a wet t-shirt dance in the thunderstorm (strangely without music); astounding caveman gymnastics; spot-the-continuity flubs; hilarious tent-sex shadow-humpage; a caveman befuddled by an ATV (attacks it with a club) but who later disables all vehichles by removing distributor caps (?); clumsiest attempted caveman seduction EVAR; greatest camper a'splosion EVAR; a multi-biker death scene that defies belief; and so much deliriously dumb stuff I can't even begin to do it justice.

Signature moment: the caveman, tracked by John Kerry, pushes down a tree to hinder him. In what is truly one of the finer examples of the magic of cinema I've ever witnessed, the effect of the falling tree is accomplished ENTIRELY through editing and sound effects! You WILL believe that a tree fell!

This one must be seen, definitely a 2.75 thumber. Be warned: this movie will make you stupider--but that's okay, because that way you'll love it even more than you could if you were smart. Surrender to Captain Caveman. Enjoy.


PS--more fun in the end credits. "Song by RAT PACK." "Thanks to Ticate Beer." And for some mysterious reason, the production designer's credit appears at the ABSOLUTE END of the credits, even after that little oval symbol and disclaimers, and in tiny, tiny letters--I'd love to know the story behind that. I bet the PD PO'd somebody.




MORE MADNESS...

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Patrick: or, The Dirty Nun and the Comatose Killer


Early on in 1978's psychic psycho-thriller Patrick, protagonist Kathy Jacquard (played by Pia Zadora clone Susan Penhaligon), an ex-nurse and new divorcee is being interviewed for a job as a nurse at doctor Roget's private psychiatric clinic. For some reason the Roget Clinic, despite being a private research center, is staffed largely by nuns, or at least nurses in uniforms that look like nuns' habits. Matron Cassidy, played with Mother Superior intensity by Julia Blake, asks and pointed and pointedly bizarre question:

"Why did you choose the Roget Clinic, Mrs. Jacquard? We tend to attract certain types--lesbians, nymphomaniacs, enema specialists..."

As young Kathy gasps for air, the Matron regales her with tales of one male nurse who would sneak into the comatose ward to smear himself with the patients' excretia. All this delivered in a tone of disgust, accusation, and barely-concealed fasination that makes one wonder if perhaps in her younger days Dame Cassidy was a member of Ilsa the She-Wolf's staff of research scientists. Luckily for Kathy (and for us) Dr. Roget comes in at just that moment, learns that Kathy is a divorcee (a strike against her in the Matron's book) and hires her on the spot. Though Cassidy throws a few more barbs at Kathy before she leaves--"I can fire you for any reason, at any time!"--Ms. Jacquard is well on her way to her preordained meeting with our titular comatose terror.

As the low girl on the totem pole, Kathy is assigned to watch over Patrick, a mystery patient with no family who's been comatose for three years. (Sporting a gaunt face, a piercing blind-eyed stare, and a plentiful white-boy 'fro, Patrick's look prefigures Brad Dourif's Oscar-snubbed tour de force as the Gemini killer by twelve years.) Though we know through an artfully-directed pre-credits sequence that when he could move around Patrick spent his leisure time murdering his mother and her lover by tossing an electric heater into their hot tub--twice!*--apparently neither Kathy nor Dr. Roget is aware of this. Despite his lack of function over the years, Patrick's muscles have not atrophied, and most of the time his eyes remain stubbornly, unblinkingly open. Also, occasionally, he spits. Director Richard Franklin gets a couple of jump scares out of Kathy or another nurse leaning in to adjust a blanket and then having the bug-eyed Patrick expectorate like an irritated llama. When Kathy asks why he should do such a thing, Dr. Roget shows that the Matron is not the only queer duck in this pond, demonstrating reflexive muscle reactions by decapitating a live frog and shocking it with his pocket electrode.

It doesn't take long for the viewer to figure out that Patrick does more than spit--three years deprived of his five ordinary senses have allowed him to develop his sixth, psychokinetic sense to a previously unheard-of degree (as helpfully theorized by the swingin' young doctor who is trying to get into Kathy's white linen pants), and now he's a veritable incorporeal killing machine. When Kathy shows him kindness he falls in love with her and starts writing her love notes on the IBM Selectric that happens to be in his room, things like "How about a hand job?" and other sweet nothings. People treating Patrick bad start to die, and rivals for his affection with Kathy--her ex-husband, for instance, as well as the aforementioned handsome doc--are in trouble as well. It all leads to an understated Carrie-esque showdown in Patrick's hospital room, and if you think you know how it ends up...well, you probably do.

I almost feel that I should have liked Patrick more than I did. There's lots of weird wacky stuff here. Matron Cassidy is fantastic, but woefully underused. The doctor, looking like Klaus Kinski's paunchy twin, has some good scenes too. Even the sub-plot with Kathy's husband trying to reconcile with her is delightfully askew: for instance, when he starts his plan to win her back by hiding in her new apartment dressed in a ski mask and attacking her. when she protests, he shrugs and laughs, "So much for women's rape fantasies!" And he wonders why Kathy won't return his calls.

Maybe it just doesn't go far enough off the deep end to be really enjoyable. While the acting is bad, it's more smirk-bad than ROFL-bad. And certain scenes are really shot and constructed well--the opening kill flashback, for instance, and Matron Cassidy's unfortunate electrocution. And this is probably the only movie I can think of that ends with a jump scare that must have required an off-screen catapult! But the pacing is off, and other scenes--the pool party manifestation of Patrick's powers, or the hubby trapped in the elevator at the clinic, trying and failing to escape--drag badly and completely stifle the movie's momentum. If it had been tighter, this might have been a pretty good thriller; if more inept, perhaps a so-bad-it's-good nugget of joy. As it is, unfortunately, it just comes off as mediocre.

In the end I didn't hate Patrick, and I'm glad I watched it--but then I live for this kind of shit. To the average viewer I would say skip it. I give it a 1.25 thumbs, with an added quarter thumb for the kickass trailer included on the Lightning Video VHS version I've got: THE SCORPIO FACTOR! Synth rock, Trans-Ams, and curled mullets have got to be worth something after all. So final score, 1.5 thumbs--entirely average.

And always remember, ladies, from Kathy Jacquard's mouth to God's ears: "The last thing [you] need is someone with a case of the galloping gonads." Even in trash there is wisdom. Yea, verily.

MORE MADNESS...

Related Posts with Thumbnails