Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990): Or Satan Gets All the Chicks

Note: I couldn't find an adequate cover art sample, so BEHOLD THE BURNING PENTAGRAM!

Greetings dearest friends! It is I, the Duke of DVD, come 'round once again to bust a proverbial cap into the rancid ass of cinema criticism. As I have done many times before, I crept down the flagstone path within my estate, the stone worn smooth by centuries of use, to that musty vault where my servants fear to tread. Pawing through forgotten arcana, I pulled forth the moldering carcass that is the Troma treasure trove called "Toxie's Top 10". Blowing the rat droppings off the top of the can, I pulled forth yet another fetid lump.

Now, friends, when I think of bombshells, in particular the kind I would and do fertilize, I definitely lean towards the blasphemous. There are many types of bombshells, as I'm sure you are all aware. Adventurous. Sneaky. Wanton. The list goes on and on. None are quite so fun to fertilize than the blaspheming ones, though. For realz.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Let's explore the film, shall we?

First, during the opening credits, we learn that Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell was directed by Jeff Hathcock. Seriously. He's directed other shit-tastic movies such as Three Bad Men and Victims! I've never seen either, but I stand firm in my applying the "shit-tastic" moniker to both. The opening scene, which we can barely see as it's filmed at night using poor lighting and a crap camera, shows us a group of black-robe-wearing, torch-bearing cultists, walking through the desert to a remote ritual site. A sweaty, shirtless man is in the center of a ring and is surrounded by the cultists. One of them steps forward and appears to set the man on fire with a torch, though we don't really see the guy actually burning.

The fire also lights up the ring they are all standing around to review a burning pentagram, a symbol we will become highly familiar with during the course of the film. We then cut to a lone cop out on the beat. He's parked his SUV cop vehicle out on a deserted road and is surveying the landscape in a genuine Marlboro moment. His radio squawks, letting him know that a murder victim's been found out on a different deserted road (they have a lot of those in this area apparently) and has been "carved up like Texas BBQ."

Cue cheesy 70s lounge music as we then cut to a young couple driving down the desert highway. They are lost, with the guy assuring his girl that he knows a shortcut is around close-by. The chick (looking rather bombshell-ish, I must say) pulls out a map, but this doesn't help. Seeing a dirt side road coming up, the guy whips the car into it, assuming he's found his shortcut. They drive for a while in the dark, before arriving at a small town made up of about 5 buildings. The sign leading in says, no shit, "Ellivnatas - Population 13." Subtle!

"While visiting Ellivnatas, be sure and stop by Buster's Gas & Go."

Pulling up in front of the dilapidated bar, the couple get out and go in. The bar is staffed by a lone butch-looking chick with feathered hair, and a motley cast of patrons, all of whom are sitting at the bar. Everyone simply stares at the newcomers. The girl heads over to a payphone and calls up her sister, who it turns out is her identical twin. Informing her sister that they're on their way but are using a shortcut, the call is interrupted suddenly as the line has apparently been cut. The couple leave quickly, driving away from Ellivnatas as fast as they can.

"Excuse me, but you aren't blasphemous to drink at this bar. Please leave."

However, they don't get too far as someone has punctured their gas tank! They also make the mistake of following the bartender lady's directions, which leads them right into a dead end canyon! Suddenly, distant chanting is heard. It's the cultists! They somehow had time to change into robes, light torches, then sprint the 3 or 4 miles that the couple drove, all in around 10 minutes. The couple runs, of course, and they try to climb the side of the canyon. The guy makes it up to the top, only to be attacked by two cultists, who light him on fire and push his burning corpse off the side!

The girl is dragged back to the ritual area. Her shirt is ripped open, and a pentagram is carved on her chest with a knife by the head priest, who then proceeds to... wait for it.... fertilize her! Now, I'm all pro-cult, but folks, if you are going to start a cult, please try to at least be a tad more intelligent about your rituals than these particular cultists. No sooner is the bombshell fertilized (note: I never once heard her blaspheme) than the priest stabs her fatally through the chest! What, pray tell, was the point of fertilization?! I'm guessing it was to bring about Satan's son on earth. Mere gratification could be had from any number of the half-dressed cult sluts around, so that can't be it. If you are wanting to raise the Antichrist, for the love of Pete keep the vessel of your sperm alive!

We swap back to Las Vegas, where the identical twin is, sleeping no less. She wakes suddenly, a pain in her chest! She can feel what happened to her twin, but thankfully the deadliness doesn't translate over long distances. Wasting no time, she packs and leaves for the desert. She only knows the general area of where her sister was, and unfortunately only the first part of the town name, due to the phone line being cut. Arriving in the area, she stops for gas and a friendly, hunky attendant fuels her up and washes her windows while engaging in conversation. He's trying to be helpful, offering his services as a guide, but she turns him down.

"Excuse me, have you seen a girl who looks just like me, only slightly less blasphemous?"

To the desert! Driving her VW Cabriolet, Blondie Bombshell begins exploring. Very quickly she finds her sister's abandoned car, and a lot of footprints. Looking around nearby she stumbles upon the burned-out pentagram, and even some fresh blood (somehow not coagulated)! Suddenly, the hunky gas station attendant shows up, thinking she needs some help despite her earlier protestations. He's just in time, too. A sudden rock slide has them jumping for safety, rolling around in an embrace on the ground. Before he can slip her a length, though, she starts babbling to him about pentagrams, cults, and fertilization, all of which he professes ignorance of.

Cooter furrows his brow in a vain attempt to understand fertilization.

Giving her a ride back to town since her car is now stuck, he takes her to his house. Being the gentleman, he gives her the bed and he takes the couch. First, though, we are treated to a gratuitously slow shower scene in which the bombshell washes every crevice carefully, using ludicrous amounts of soap, and scrubbing her skin to a sheen high enough that the Vicar himself would be happy to forgo young altar boys in lieu of eating pancakes off her ass.

Scrubbing the sin away, one bar of soap at a time.

We also find out that the bombshell is an anthropologist, and versed in the ways of cults worldwide. How handy. While asleep the bombshell has a nightmare in which the attendant is mounting her like a rutting ram, only to suddenly morph into the high priest, whom the bombshell hasn't even seen yet.

"Pardon me for asking, but you haven't been fertilized recently, have you?"

The next morning she heads out, suddenly in her Cabriolet again, despite it being left in the desert stuck in a hole. She stops by the local sheriff's office and talks to the sheriff, reporting her sister missing. The sheriff doesn't seem too interested, telling her it's a big desert, people get lost, blah blah blah. She brings up the cult and the pentagram and he agrees to keep an eye out. Getting nowhere with the local law, the bombshell takes off back out into the desert herself. Soon, the Ellivnatas'ians show up, driving Mad Max-esque VW Beetles! They chase her for a while, her Cabriolet keeping ahead of them, when suddenly she runs one of them off the road and..... we cut to later in the day, the bombshell is riding in the sheriff's truck out into the desert. WTF?! The Mystery of the Vanishing Volkswagen Cabriolet deepens!

She doesn't mention the car chase, and instead takes him to where the burned pentagram is. He finds the fresh blood, declaring it "still wet." Apparently her sister had anti-coagulating blood, a dream of vampires the world over. Declaring there's nothing more he can do, they head back to town, to the sheriff station, where HER CABRIOLET has now appeared! She hops in and, big surprise, heads back into the desert again! She drives around in the dark until she happens upon Satanville, I mean Ellivnatas, population 13. She snoops around and finally picks a building seemingly at random.

It's symbolic of course.

Turns out it's the "church," where the bald high priest has a ceremony in full swing! Upside down crosses, red velvet drapes. Nekkid cultist women holding snakes. This place reminds me of my own study. "Welcome to the House of Satan!" intones the high priest. He tells her that her sister and her boyfriend sacrificed themselves to the will of Satan. She gives him some lip and he retorts "You un-pious slut! Kneel before the Prince of Evil!" High priests of Satan get all the best lines, needless to say! He continues: "I'm going to fuck you again and again, until thy belly is swollen with child! A child born of Satan Himself! Take her to the sacrificial pit!" Off they go, dragging her away to the pentagram spot.

Despite PETA protests, the use of snakes still continues in most Satanic cults.

After some chanting, the high priest gets things going: "My lord and master Satan, sanctify this unholy fornication! Empower this chalice of pig's blood with thy potency, that I might fertilize this blaspheming slut!" Amen, brother! With that, the cult women get nekkid and start dancing with snakes, making me recall my last birthday bacchanal. The head priest keeps shouting slogans. The priest walks over and begins undressing the bombshell, but he slaps her first for good measure. "And now shalt thou know the hard-on of sin!" He begins to thrust into her, but she grabs the sacrificial dagger from him and stabs him in the belly! He's down but not out, ordering his acolytes to kill her. She's fleeing, wearing only a see-through shirt and panties. Running to the Ellivnatas bar, she tries to use the phone only to find it non-working.

"I want YOU... to be fertilized for Satan."

The cultists show up. She pins one to the bar with a knife. Running outside, she finds another knife convienently on the ground. She stabs another cultist, and then sets another on fire with his own torch! These guys are inept. One hops in one of the VW Beetles and tries to run her over, but only succeeds in knocking down the Ellivnatas sign!

"I regret nothing!"

Suddenly it's morning, she's evaded them that long at least. Two cultists find her finally, and running through the desert in their heavy black robes, they give chase. She wrestles with one, who manages to fall on his own dagger! She then steals their Mad Max Beetle and takes off! One of the female cultists picks of a garden hoe, which just happens to be lying around (?!) and takes off after the car, not only catching up with it, but hooking the hoe onto the back window and getting dragged along. She pulls herself up onto the Beetle, but the bombshell drives under a cactus, knocking the cultist off!

Presenting the 2010 Volkswagen Beetle - Mad Max edition.

Another cultist puts himself in the road in front of the speeding Beetle and starts shooting through the window, missing the bombshell completely. She runs him over, literally launching him 150' easily! The other Mad Max VW shows up and they start ramming each other. The bombshell leaps free of her VW just as the two collide in a fiery wreck. She walks away, through the desert, still clad only in panties and a skimpy shirt. No shoes at all.

She finds a stream, that leads to a waterfall and a pool of cool water. Perfect time for a skinny dip! The sheriff comes out looking for her, but doesn't have any luck. Meanwhile, the cultists find her at the waterfall pool. She flees, but not before running one of them through with a nearby stick! Fleeing further up some rocks, one of which dislodges and crushes another cultist! She picks up that cultist's knife and uses it to stab yet another cultist just arrived to the party!

She flees again, having taken care of everyone in the area. The hunky gas station attendant is shown driving around looking for her. She sees his truck and goes rushing out to meet him. They are driving away, she is distraught and tells him what is happening. He says "We could have had something special, if you had just stayed outta this town!" and reaches over, opens the glove box, pulls out a gun! She sees a knife in the glove box, grabs it and stabs the attendant through the neck! She jumps free of the truck as it runs into a small ravine at about 1 mph and explodes in a giant fireball.

Cooter takes one in the neck.

Whew. The cop pulls up, and tries to help her. She rightly thinks the cop is in on it, but he convinces her that he isn't. He gives her the coat he's wearing, draping it around her shoulders, despite the fact that they are in the middle of the fucking DESERT and it's high NOON! His last words to her are "Let's go back to town, get somethin' ta eat." Cue credits.

"There, there. It's ok. No one will try to fertilize you anymore, little lady."

Friends, I know I wrote a ton about this movie, but I just couldn't help it. Something comes over me when I watch shoestring-budget movies featuring cultists fornicating with blasphemers. As usual with Troma films, I have to give it 1 Thump Up for non-Troma fans, and a blazing 3+ Thumbs Up for anyone who loves Troma and/or anyone interesting in the fertilization methods of inept desert Satanic cults.

Finally, a word from our sponsor:

"I don't always fertilize bombshells, but when I do, I prefer them blasphemous. Stay fertile my friends, and drink Dos Equis."


JamiSings said...

When a movie jumps around as much as this one seems to from your description, I find myself wondering how it would have turned out in the hands of Mel Brooks.

Ezreal said...

I remember seeing this film on USA Up All Night under the title "Mark of the Beast". I could have sworn the thing was from the late '70s. I couldn't remember much about it except the town being called Ellivnatas.

I commend you for enduring this!

Anonymous said...

I am watching this as we speak; it's On Demand on my TV and I am researching insemination efforts and how to recognize them. Right now, the anthropologist is discovering soap and showers. It's very educational. I am looking forward to learning how Satanists survive the temperatures of the desert. Your review was hysterical, btw.

bridget64 said...

Just watched this on demand...the poor lighting almost made me shut it off, but your description intrigued me so had to finish watching it. When she falls off the cliff, and the sheriff "catches" her I laughed my ass off!

bridget64 said...

Just watched this on demand...the poor lighting almost made me shut it off, but your description intrigued me so had to finish watching it. When she falls off the cliff, and the sheriff "catches" her I laughed my ass off!

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