Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Duke of Art, Or A Small Tangent Into A Mind of MADness

Dearest friends, it has been far too long since I last regaled you with my hedonistic exploits, so I feel I must share one. It is a tale of woe, temptation, and mutual masturbation. A fortnight hence, I found myself on the wind-scoured cliffs just outside a small hamlet north of Rutland. The name of the town is unknown to me, for the sign leading into town bore deep claw marks, so much that the name was obscured.

I had arrived here via motor-coach in order to procure some art of a, um, certain sort. I was to meet a man bearing a striking resemblance to a badger. I soon found him, sitting on a stump outside a dilapidated cottage. He appeared to be trying to help another man (who stood close by) bathe a snake, but it turned out to be something else entirely. I won't go into detail here, for fear some of you might have weak stomachs, or are prone to be driven mad easily.

Attempting not to retch, I quickly conducted my business and left. Where this man gained control of such precious artwork is beyond my capacity to comprehend. However, it is his loss, despite my laying out a sum to him that would remove the debt of most nations.

And now, friends, let us peruse this art, so that we may bask in its glory:

Here we have "Woman on Bench, Hungry" painted by Glasco Verdshnozz in 1729 whilst stoned on lead-based paint fumes. Notice the healthy gunt leaking out from beneath the tent-like covering the ham-beast affects. Special attention should also be given to the quality of iron used in the 18th century, which apparently supported the weight of this butter troll long enough for the painting to be finished.

Ahh yes, one of my personal favorites. "Invading to Dine" by Herschal Koff, an oil painting from 1802, based on an older woodcut rendered in 862 a.d. The attention to detail here is mind-numbing. Notice in particular the flanged mace being wielded expertly by this marauder, how the artist captured not only the wooded haft but also the unbridled hunger in the chap's eyes. Exquisite.

Masterpiece. That is all that you can say to describe this stone rubbing from a chiseled slab, carved by Blankenship Sexington in 1957. Robots were huge during that moment in time, and Sexington's genius hands were sufficient to capture the excitement surrounding the advances in science of the day. Forward thinking was the name of the game during the '50s. People posited all manner of thing, from flying cars to automatic butt-plugs. I remain hopeful that one day, Mr. Sexington's dream robot will come to fruition, when science catches up with alchemy.

Finally, we have the pièce de résistance of my new collection. "He Died For Our Sins!" by Herman Herman in 1323. Herman Herman is most famous for his use of real blood, usually drawn from unsuspecting assistants, mixed in with his pigments. Herman painted totally nude and inside a pentacle made of salt and gypsy hair, and he managed to turn out 9 canvases before his beheading in 1325. It is my life's mission to attain them all, especially "Happy Birthday Satan!" painted just days before his execution.

I hope you have enjoyed this look into the MAD art around us. Until next time, I bid thee adieu.

1 comment:

eucrow said...

the last one is really amazing!

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