So here it is at last, parishioners and subjects: the third and final installment of the Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies review of Walerian Borowczyk's infamous nunsploitation effort, Behind Convent Walls and the first-ever Duke/Vicar tag-team! When we last left our transcription, the Duke and the Vicar were getting ever more inebriated, waxing poetic on the mysteries of nunly seductiveness, the wonders of Avery Beer, and the beefy slab of Awesome that is Paul Naschy.
Today in this ultimate post in the series, the Vicar suggests a new beatitude, the Duke confesses to the molestation of an inanimate object, the Damnable Duo engage in yet more entirely inappropriate Naschy love, and we deliver our final verdict on the film itself.
The contents of today's post are NOT suitable for young readers, women who are pregnant or may become pregnant, or people with heart conditions or well-developed senses of morality. For everyone else, though, it should be a blast. ;)
And if you've enjoyed this double-team (and who doesn't enjoy a nice double-team, eh?), let us know in the comments--I mean seriously, would it kill ya? If the fan reaction is positive and/or outraged enough, who knows? It may inspire more reviews such as this one in the future.
But enough of my yakkin'! Whattaya say? LET'S BOOGIE!
Click Here to continue reading Part III
V: Well, Duke, as to the larger meaning of Behind Convent Walls, I think it’s about the way that human sexuality is restricted in a lot of ways that are unhealthy to everyone. Because in the end, sex is a gift from God.
D: Amen. He gave you these parts, you might as well use them.
V: And the more sex you have, the greater the grace! In fact Veronica says at one point, “And if from this hour on I commit any mortal sin, it shall be only to get punished even more vehemently!” Because the more you get punished, the more grace in the forgiveness. And I think that’s something that the Church at some point must have edited out of the Sermon on the Mount: Blessed are the Fuckers.
D: For they shall inherit something or other.
D: Probably Chlamydia.
V: God Bless ‘em. But the idea, which I think is an idea Rasputin had, was the more you sin, the more grace is required to absolve you, and the more grace, the more good Jesus is doing.
D: It’s a net gain.
V: Exactly. So really, sex in the convent has more to do with redemption than damnation, I believe.
[TheBar Wench returneth]
D: One more round, trollop! I want a Pinkus Wheat. I can’t leave without a pinkus in me.
V: Now you’re doing it on purpose.
[Bar Wench leaveth, requesteth a shift change]
V: So to sum up: naked nuns—always good. I have to say in Walerian’s favor that pretty much all the flesh he gives us is Grade-A.
D: Oh, absolutely. Like I was saying before, if you were to go to a real convent I guarantee you it’d be full of wrinkled old crones that I wouldn’t touch with *your* dick.
D: Be that as it may. There is one scene I wanted to talk about that I thought was really awesome. I didn’t gather what it was they were using, but when they were in the library they kept using some kind of cloth screen they could flip up sideways—was that a loom or something?
V: They were doing some kind of embroidery. Veronica was the one doing that.
D: Anyway, it was really cool because they could flip it up, and then just go fuck underneath!
“Roderigo deflowered this body…and it was BEAUTIFUL!”
D: YES it was!
V: Roderigo deflowered the HELL out of that body.
D: There were no petals left.
V: And she was seeing—she was getting that mystical experience that you get from really good sex—
D: I mean, when you’re getting rogered righteously by a rascal named Roderigo, you’re gonna see God. Reminds me of my most recent trip to Miami.
V: Duke, your experiences in these matters—I’ve spent too long in the ecclesiastical cloister.
D: You really need to get out more.
V: I hear about your adventures when you return, and it makes me green with envy. And also a little nausea.
D: Such is love.
V: After the frolic in the chapel, there’s this whole frenetic release of pent-up sexual energy in montage form—I mean, we’ve got the Meat Man fucking the nun over the crate of live chickens, we’ve got more nude yoga and bicycle exercises, we’ve got a couple of nuns on their beds next to each other, grasping one another. And then we’ve got the violinist—and I think really there’s not enough sex and violins on TV.
D: [Groans] Oh, you had to go there.
V: I did. And then we actually have a scene of the violin nun “fiddling” with herself, as it were, actually masturbating with her instrument!
D: And what true music lover hasn’t done that?
V: Indeed, I’m regularly intimate with my lute.
D: I fucked a cello.
V: I tell you what you need—you haven’t had it till you’ve had a piccolo.
D: I’ll have to remember that the next time My Lady of Laserdisc visits. She’ll be all “Do you want the Big Bertha this time?” And I’ll say, “No—I’m going for the PICCOLO.”
V: “Blow on it! Play the scales! PLAY THE GODDAMN SCALES!”
D: [sings] “Mary had a little spooge, she had it on her cheek—and everywhere that Mary wiped…she couldn’t get it off her cheek.”
V: This has to be the foulest conversation I’ve ever had in my life.
D: You could do that so many ways: [sings] “Mary had a little spooge, it shot across her chest…”
V: “And even though it stained her dress, she swore it was the best!”
D: “And everywhere she licked her tongue, she said it tasted best.”
V: You’re a poet. Anyway, I don’t even know where we were…oh yeah, that second frolic where she’s fucking the violin, the girl who has had her dildo confiscated is MADLY whittling another dildo.
D: I thought that was awesome. “Take *my* dildo, will you? I’ve got PLENTY of these!”
V: “I’ll sweep out the chapel, just GIVE ME THE BROOM.”
D: Oh, man.
V: So what do you think Walerian’s beef was with the whole convent idea was? Did he go to Catholic school, maybe?
D: He obviously had some hang-up with the Vatican.
V: I know when I was in school, and I had a particularly stringent teacher, it was always kind of fun to imagine her bent over the Wedge of Sorrows. Which probably actually happened.
D: I think it’s really just the general principle: who *wouldn’t* want to fuck a nun?
V: Not me! I do not *not* want to fuck a nun.
D: Exactly…I think. So maybe Walerian simply *wants* to fuck a nun.
V: I think we may have unearthed the secret of the whole nunsploitation genre.
D: Where would you rank it? Would you put it above Images in a Convent?
V: I don’t know, I’d have to go back and rewatch that one. I liked it a lot.
D: I’d say it’s definitely below Alucarda. But then again, how can you reach that high? Baths of blood, naked backbends…
V: Oh, my god, when she rises up out of the blood-filled coffin? Holy shit. I’m getting turgid right now just thinking of it.
D: Tumescence: Achieved!
V: As long as we’re going off-topic let’s talk about Alucarda, because I know it’s one of your favorites.
D: It just doesn’t get any better. And we’re not alone in this point of view—Kitty of Killer Kittens from Beyond the Grave and others have said as much.
V: You’ve got Dirty Thieving Gypsies—
D: Is there any other kind?
V: There’s not, as Paul Naschy has taught us.
D: Every gypsy is thieving and dirty.
V: If only they would leave the silver dagger where it is—WHY do they always go straight for the silver dagger?
D: That little glint of silver, and it always ends with Paul doing LEAP ATTACKS that defy all gravity.
V: Curse of the Devil—the greatest leap attack ever. He’s on the balcony, he looks down and he sees the BLIND OLD WOMAN just standing there, and he thinks, “I’ve GOT to fucking GO for this!”
D: He thinks in his head, “This is it! This is the LEAP ATTACK that I’ve been waiting for my whole life! Never mind that it’s a blind old defenseless woman!”
V: And he does a SOMERSAULT off the balcony, onto the woman, and nails the landing! It just doesn’t get better than that.
D: Cinematic brilliance.
V: You haven’t seen Naschy’s Exorcismo yet, have you?
D: No, I haven’t.
V: That’s a good one. A lack of nuns in that one, but Naschy playing the priest doing the exorcism is worth the price of admission.
D: He already has the greatest lines ever—like “I’ll see you bitches in chains!” Jesus Christ, I thought I was going to explode! Literally the best 2 seconds of film ever.
V: Naschy has got to be—
D: He’s the Sex God of Cinema.
V: And he’s got such confidence in himself.
D: Even when he’s playing a hunchback.
V: Dude, he gets LAID as a hunchback!
D: Exactly! What fucking hunchback in cinema HISTORY has ever gotten laid? NONE! Except for Paul Naschy.
V: From the first time I saw Vengeance of the Zombies…I was basically gay for Naschy.
D: Let me just say, coming into this meeting, I absolutely KNEW it was going to turn into a Naschy love-fest. We can’t get together and have beers without Paul Naschy coming up.
V: And apparently—I have this from good sources—Naschy transcends sexuality, really. Women love him, men love him.
D: Like I told you before—if Paul molested me in a dark alley, I wouldn’t report it.
V: In fact you’d slip your phone number in his pocket.
V: In Vengeance of the Zombies of course he plays the Hindu guru, he plays the burnt brother, and he plays Satan.
D: “I’m his Infernal Majesty!” Is that what he says?
V: No, that’s in Frankenstein’s Bloody Terror.
D: I get my Naschys blended together.
V: “Haven’t you guessed? I’m his Infernal Majesty!” FUCK YEAH you are, Naschy!
D: Like I said, as he walks across the room, you can hear the panties drop. He comes in, and it’s moist—it’s like Niagara Falls.
V: All the guys want to be Naschy, all the women want to have Naschy—
D: All the MEN want to have Naschy.
V: I don’t think I could maintain my heterosexuality around him—in fact, I know for certain I couldn’t.
D: There’s a couple of “Get out of jail free” cards with regards to your heterosexuality that every man gets to burn in his lifetime, and Naschy would be one of them.
V: So Behind Convent Walls—3 thumbs up.
D: We can agree that Alucarda is the pinnacle, but I think Behind Convent Walls is either second or third behind it. From a pure nunsploitational point of view.
V: We talked about the church cover-up a little bit, the Jack Palance guy and the Inquistion…[belch] …We’re going to have to shut this off because I’m too fuckin’ drunk.
D: Same here.
V: But while I’ve got you here--Horror Rises from the Tomb, how about that one?
V: Horror Rises from my PANTS, more like!
D: With alarming frequency! One thing I love about his movies just in general are the titles. I mean, where else is Horror gonna rise from? It’s gonna come from the fucking TOMB.
V: Another director we haven’t talked about who’s one of our favorites is Jean Rollin.
D: Rollin, yes.
V: Who in Requiem for a Vampire has the girls in there, they start out dressed in clown outfits. And at some point they stop in an abandoned barn somewhere and change out of their clown outfits, into their SCHOOLGIRL outfits.
D: Exactly, because what *else* would they wear?
“Whoa, this guy’s a visionary.”
D: A GENIUS!
V: A *FUCKING* genius! In Requiem and in Shiver [of the Vampires] he’s got the scene with the blonde girl, whose name I can’t remember right now, but she’s in several of his movies , and her partner on this fur-covered bed.
D: Yeah, and the whole set-up to that is fantastic as well. It’s like “Oh, here’s this abandoned castle, let’s go check it out…Oh, here’s a fur bed—let’s have SEX on it! Let’s get all LESBONIC on this shit,” for no fucking reason!
V: It’s at a point where the truth of the visual overwhelms the truth of the narration. You don’t need a coherent narrative thread when you’ve got two hot schoolgirls lezzing it up on a fur-covered bed.
D: It needs no explanation.
V: It’s just one of those images that sticks in your head and will not go away. Rollin has done more for lesbian vampires than any other person in the history of the world, and he is owed a debt of gratitude for that…He’s like Naschy—you either get him or you don’t. If you watch VotZ and you hate it, you’re never, NEVER going to get Naschy. But if you watch it and enjoy it, there’s really nothing better. It’s the same with Rollin—if you watch Shiver of the Vampires and think “Oh, this is boring, there’s nothing happening, they never even talk until 40 mins into it.”
D: “I don’t like these teenage lesbians, I just don’t get it…”
V: Right, you’re never, ever going to enjoy Rollin. And I feel sorry for you, I do.
D: Because YOU’RE DEAD INSIDE.
V: In closing—BCW, awesome.
D: Three thumbs up—not as good as Alucarda, but then nothing is as good as Alucarda. Still a must-watch for any fan of the subgenre.
V: Definitely so. Well, it’s been a pleasure talking with you about violated nuns and Paul Naschy today, Duke.
D: As if we ever talk about anything else!
V: So from the Slaughtered Lamb, I’m the Vicar of VHS for the Duke of DVD, saying good night, and get thee to a nunnery!