A Vicar-ious Valentine: A Bouquet of ZANG

Valentine's Day is a time when we're obligated by the might of the Romantic Industrial Complex to spend some time (and an insane amount of money) thinking about the ones we love. Because I, the Vicar, love you, my parishioners, in a very real, deeply emotional, and possibly legally actionable way, I thought it only fitting that I offer you a little gift as a token of my carnal esteem.

But since candy is bad for me (and I know you'd want to share), flowers are cliched, and jewelry costs more than I'm frankly willing to spend (what, you think the Church of Antique Video Formats pays that well?), I've decided instead to give you the gift that keeps on giving: a pictorial bouquet of some of the most Zangworthy Actresses to grace the pages of Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies so far! And if you prefer your bacon a little beefier, stick around...there's a bonus.

Get the lotion and click away!

1. Edwige Fenech


Possibly the woman for whom the term ZANG was invented, Edwige improves the quality of any movie she's in by sheer force of smokin' hawtness. Her acting chops aren't bad either.

MMMMMovie Reviews: All the Colors of the Dark, Ubalda, All Naked and Warm.

2. Yutte Stensgaard


Ever since the lil' Vicar first saw Ms. Stensgaard covered in blood in a book of horror movie stills, it's been love. A formative influence on the Vicar's future attributions of scream queen zang-worthiness, Yutte is a beaut (in her birthday suit).

MMMMMovie Reviews: Lust for a Vampire, Zeta One

3. Rosalba Neri


So hot that the sadistic warden of a women's prison STILL allows her to wear her sheer stockings with her jailhouse uniform (strangely, it totally works) and smart and ruthless enough to seduce a retard, put another man's brain in his body, and use the resulting monster to avenge her father's death, Rosalba Neri (aka Sara Bay) just may be the perfect woman. If not, she's close enough for me.

MMMMMovie Reviews: 99 Women, Lady Frankenstein

4. Barbara Crampton

(with thanks to Arena of the Unwell)

We can't talk about formative influences on the Vicar's scream queen tastes without mentioning the gorgeous and talented Barbara Crampton, whose fearless work in Re-Animator has rightly made her a movie legend. I don't know how many VHS tapes got worn out at one specific moment in that movie from excessive rewind/replaying, but I know about at least 3 for a fact. (The Vicar ALWAYS springs for Movie Protection Insurance!) I actually got to meet Ms. Crampton a couple of years ago and a horror con, and she's a delight in person as well as on film. Plus, she smells nice.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Chopping Mall, From Beyond


5.Helga Liné


A memorable collaborator of Paul Naschy's and a dominating presence whenever she's onscreen, Liné is paradoxically cold as ice and hot as lava. With aristocratic looks and a sneer of command you wouldn't even THINK of refusing, Helga is the Ice Queen of my dreams.

MMMMMovie Reviews: The Dracula Saga, Horror Rises from the Tomb

6. Marisa Mell

If she'd never made any other movie appearances after Danger: Diabolik, Marisa Mell would still appear on every unbiased list of OMG SMOKIN HAWT-ness compiled ever after. She did appear in other movies, but for my money there was never anything hotter or groovier in the history of cinema. I want to cover my bed with ten million dollars just in the hopes she'll stop by.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Danger: Diabolik

7. Tura Satana


The definition of Bigger Than Life: warrior goddess, anti-hero, and happy dream all rolled into one. Russ Meyer's enduring contribution to American Myth is a figure he didn't even create--he just pointed the camera at Satana and she did the rest. Never has beauty been more terrifying. Hurt me, Varla, hurt me!

MMMMMovie Reviews: Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

8. Françoise Blanchard


One of my favorite parts of one of my favorite movies, Blanchard floats across the screen like an endlessly beautiful, endlessly sad ghost. Her performance as Catherine in Jean Rollin's gorgeously tragic fairy tale is absolutely transcendent. Her smokin' hawtness is almost beside the point. Almost.

MMMMMovie Reviews: The Living Dead Girl

9. Valerie Leon

(thanks to Cosmobells--seriously, thanks!)

You need an explanation here? I mean, come on, just LOOK at that. So beautiful it makes you want to defile an ancient tomb, IYKWIM.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Blood from the Mummy's Tomb

10. Alexandra Bastedo

(thanks to Coffee Coffee and More Coffee)

Eurocutie Maribel Martin is nothing to sneeze at in Vicar-fave Blood-Spattered Bride, but for sheer otherworldly gorgeousness she can't hold a candelabra to Bastedo, who is so exotic and sexy you almost forget she's an undead creature bent on the destruction of the patriarchy. Or else you don't care--deconstruct me, baby!

MMMMMovie Reviews: The Blood-Spattered Bride

11. Candace Glendenning


Those eyes, that hair, the beautiful smile--oh Candace, can't you see that it's kismet? Working with the likes of Brit auteurs Pete Walker and Norman J. Warren, Candace is worth staying up to watch the late late show for any time.

MMMMMovie Reviews: The Flesh and Blood Show, Satan's Slave, Tower of Evil

12. Marianne Morris and Anulka


Stars of another of my favorite flicks over and apart from the titillation factor (which is SUBSTANTIAL), these two women are impossible to choose between. Their chemistry and strange relationship is the central crux of the movie, and director José Ramón Larraz uses it to craft a real horror masterpiece. Plus, I mean, really--DOUBLE ZANG.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Vampyres

13. Soledad Miranda


I'm still not sure how I feel about Jess Franco's work by and large, but you cannot argue that Soledad Miranda is a picture of 70s hotness. I know vampires are not supposed to sunbathe, but as long as the vampire is Soledad, I find myself not too worried about the mythos here.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Vampyros Lesbos

BONUS: Jean Rollin's Fur Bed


Rollin is one of my favorite directors, and this image from Shiver of the Vampires (which he recreates in Requiem for a Vampire, to lesser effect imo) is one that will forever be burned into the beauty section of my brain. Thank you, Mr. Rollin, from the bottom of my heart.


And if chicks ain't your thing...

1. Paul Naschy


What, you thought I could leave Jacinto off a list of heart(?) throbs? Manly, suave, and with an undying love for old-school monsters, The Mighty Mighty Molina brings all the girls to the yard, and boys too, if reports are to be believed. If you don't see why...well, just get (the fuck) out of my club.

MMMMMovie Reviews: Lots of 'em!

2. The Hoff


Nuff said!

MMMMMovie Reviews: Starcrash, Witchery

Happy VD from the Vicar!