Thursday, January 6, 2011

A MAD Look Back: the Top Ten MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010

It's the season of the year, friends and parishioners, when the arbitrary, artificial constructs of Clock and Calendar converge to force upon one's usually unwilling consciousness grim considerations about growing old, about saying goodbye to loved ones and cherished events, about the diminishing number of trips around the sun alotted to each of us--to wit, the Passage of Time. Ah, Time, which stands still for no man! Time, the Maniac scattering dust! Rider of the ever-nearing winged chariot, the All-Devourer, the Collector of Souls, the Destroyer of Kings and Bringer of Final Darkness!

Indeed, Time: thou art ayn Bitch.

But until that great Beast of Chronos lays low my mortal coil, or else nibbles my synapses to Drooling Oblivion, I can yet cling to the memories of grandeur past, and celebrate what bounties the previous calendar year has bestowed. And this is what I'm here to declaim, friends, to shout to the heavens and hold up my perhaps Ozymandaical monument, tempting thunder from the Gods.

In short: I haz a list.

I'm not the biggest fan of statistics and site reports out there, but every now and then I do pop open the ol' Analytics to see how things have fared, and often I'm pleasantly surprised by the results. So without further ado--unless you want some? Because believe me, I've got ado coming out my ears over here! No? Okay then--follow me down that famous lane of memory, as we tour the Top 10 Most Popular MMMMMovies Reviews of 2010, as determined by YOU, the readers!

So hold on, here we go!

10. Vicious Lips (1987) -- 1,397 hits

I admit I was a little shocked to see my February review of this flick cracking the top ten, but the stats don't lie. Sci-fi trash maestro Albert Pyun's inspired vision of a way-out future struck a power chord with readers and racked up damn near 1400 visits from curious onlookers and crawler-bots alike. The flick tells the story of an all-girl rock band overcoming trials, tribulations, and the vagaries of interstellar travel to make it to their big make-or-break gig on the other side of the galaxy. The takeaway: you can shipwreck the girls on an android-riddled Pleasure Planet, sic a Venusian Man-Beast/Geico Caveman on them, and even murder their lead singer in the first reel, but you just can't stop rock n' roll. Read the full review here.

9. Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell (1990) -- 1,423 hits

Another surprise entry in the top ten, the Duke's late 2009 review of Jeff Hathcock's Troma-tastic trip to sunny Ellivnatas proved its staying power with a more than respectable number of visits. In this film, a young woman in search of her missing sister runs afoul of a group of devil-worshiping miscreants bent on impregnating somebody--anybody--with the slippery Seed of Satan. A hunkish local steps in to help, but can our heroine find the truth and escape unfertilized? The Duke tells us the heroine's designation as a "bombshell" is suspect and best, and she doesn't do much blaspheming, but how can you stand on niceties when you get gratuitous shower scenes, out-of-nowhere VW detonation, a thrilling chase interrupted by the quarry's impromptu skinny dip, and a cult with a rather backwards idea of how to get the best results from blasphemous fertility treatments? (Hint: if you want to see Satan's baby born, do NOT stab the surrogate through the heart immediately post-fertilization!) Click here to bask in the MADness.

"Dos Equis: the second 'X' is for SATAN!"
8. Mondo Topless (1966) -- 1,616 hits

Some things never go out of style, and gigantic boobs are two of them. Even though I first published the review in December of 2008, Russ Meyer's "documentary" about burlesque dancers and strippers in various states of undress still has the power to bring 14-year-old boys from all over the world a-gawkin'. And little wonder. The movie is really nothing more than a parade of physics-defyingly well-endowed women--or "buxotics," as Meyer would have them designated--dangerously shaking what the Good Lord give 'em while the narrator waxes apoplectic and the tassels and sound effects fly. Pick your favorite from among such notables as "Greta Thornwald, the Nordic Nymph, whose pulchritude is unrivaled by any showgirl in Denmark!" or "GIGI LA TOUCHE--THE GIRL WITH THE THROBBING GUITAR!"--or else just lie back and bask in the buxomness. You can check out the full review by gently caressing this link.

7. Alucarda (1978) -- 1,650 hits

What can you say about Juan López Moctezuma's dark fairy-tale masterpiece? Well, plenty, as the Duke of DVD proved in his March 2008 review. A beautiful film full of nightmare visuals, cutting allegory, and dream logic, Alucarda is the real deal, and easily in the non-ironic Top 5 of both your Mad Museum caretakers. Loosely based on Sheridan Le Fanu's novella Carmilla--as so very many movies are--this flick tells the tale of a brooding, intense young orphan and her friendship/love affair with her convent roommate, which leads to stern disapproval from their guardian religious types, administered via medieval torture implements. Oh, there's also a rain of blood, a heaping serving of nun flambe, and the first episode of the short-lived cable access show, "Nude Yoga with Satan"! A perennial favorite review here at MMMMMovies, it's not likely to leave the top 10 anytime soon. Read in wild wonder here.

"Lucifer pronounces you wife and wife. I may now sodomize the bride."
6. Zeta One (1969) -- 1,850 hits

This was the REAL shocker for me! A movie I reviewed in January 2008, which even I had never heard of before stumbling across it at the late, lamented Cosmobells blog, and have seldom seen discussed anywhere since? And yet, through the vagaries of public taste, unexpected re-runs in the UK leading to mass rekindling of interest, or else the fact that a Google search for "strip poker" led many hapless rainment-gambling enthusiasts here, the fact remains that Zeta One is our 6th most visited review of 2010. I'm glad it is, however, because I love this movie! Sometimes slow, often silly, but always entertaining, this tale of a bumbling secret agent struggling to thwart the invasion of Britain by a race of sexy Amazonian aliens is a gem ripe for rediscovery. And Yutte Stensgaard in the Altogether is nothing to sneeze at either. Read all about it by clicking here!

5. Les Demons (1972) -- 1,886 hits

The Duke rings in the top five with his sterling review of trash auteur Jess Franco's nunsploitation masterpiece. In the Duke's own words: "I must say, I absolutely loved this gem of a movie. It had everything. Satan sexing a nun doggy-style, naked nuns being put to the question, lesbian Mother Superiors who can’t control their urges, and copious shots of French bush." You can't ask for more than that, now, can you? If you like your nuns well 'sploited and your Lucifer in red leggings, you owe it to yourself to seek this one out. Click here for more information. 

Bones: Jumped
 4. The Sinful Dwarf  (1973) -- 1,921 hits

Another nearly 2-year-old review that for a long time was the undisputed top-visited page on the site. It falls a couple of spots this year after some scrappy newcomers made a strong surge, but is still firmly ensconced in the Mad Movie Pantheon of Utter Batshittery. Vidal Raski's justly infamous acme of 70s dwarfsploitation still has the power to shock and awe modern viewers, following the tribulations of a young struggling writer and his longsuffering newlywed wife as they take up residence in London's worst apartment complex. Little do they know that wind-up toy enthusiast Olaf, that most morally challenged of all Little People, has plans for the lovely new bride--plans involving heroin addiction, forced prostitution, and a truly horrific musical number. Not for the faint of heart, but required viewing for all Mad Movie fanatics. Full review here.

3. Behind Convent Walls (1977) -- 2,388 hits

The top three finally start to put appreciable distance between themselves and the other entries, and the first of the final trio is itself a triumvurate of awesome: the one and only joint review/roundtable between The Duke and the Vicar (with foreword by the inestimable Tenebrous Kate). First published back in March 2009, the three-part review of Walerian Borowczyk’s 1978 film Behind Convent Walls is our #3 hit-getter. A rambling, progressively more drunken discourse on the wonders of this ne plus ultra entry in the nunsploitation subgenre, this post encompasses such subjects as Holy Dildos, the importance of the Sword Cane to effective convent management, and a healthy dose of off-topic and inappropriate Naschy love. Full disclosure--part 1 is the top vistited of the three, with part 2 gaining 2,043 hits, and part three falling off steeply to 925, doubtless due to the piece's progressive incoherence. Still, the clicks don't lie--this one has staying power. Read Part One here, Part 2 here, and the underappreciated Part 3 here.

2. Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987) -- 4,215 hits

Sometimes, quite inadvertently, one manages to stick ones finger right up the wherewithal of an unsuspected cultural zeitgeist. That's what happened in May of this year when I tossed off a lengthy appreciation of Ken Dixon's sci-fi reimagining of the classic novella The Most Dangerous Game. Don't get me wrong--the movie's a lot of fun, with nonsensical futurism, visuals straight out of Heavy Metal magazine, cheesetastic effects and of course the all important Suede Bikinis. Still, I'm at a loss to explain the review's rampant (and still growing) popularity on the web. I've searched for linking sites, StumbleUpon mentions, and the like, but it seems most of the 4000+ visitors to the page got their on their own, through the Google. Why are that many people spontaneously searching out info on this fun but relatively obscure title? That riddle may never be solved, but there it is folks: your #2 review. See what all the fuss is about by clicking here. Then, explain it to me.

And our #1 most popular review of 2010 surprise.

1. Galaxy of Terror (1981) -- 6,508 hits

Yes, ever since I first put this post up on August 20, 2008, it's never sunk off our analytic "top content" list. Directed by Bruce D. Clark, produced by Roger Corman, and featuring an all-star cast that includes Erin "Joanie" Moran, Ray "The Devil" Walston, Robert "Fucking" Englund, Sid "Also Fucking" Haig, and future DTV flesh-peddler Zalman King, this flick is a powerhouse that simply will not be denied. But I don't kid myself--a quick look at the keywords that led visitors to this review reveals that the real draw can be boiled down to two words: WORM RAPE. Yes, Taaffe O'Connell's legendary assault via nematode was the most-searched for term on the site by a long shot, with "worm rape" and its many variants often taking up 6 to 8 slots in the top keywords stats. It's recent (and long-overdue) Blu-Ray release only added to the momentum. No wonder then that the review outpaces its nearest competitor by over two thousand hits, and wins the crown as Most Popular Mad Mad Mad Mad Movie review of 2010. Pad its numbers by clicking here, why don't you?

There you go, you pervs! Are you happy? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!

So there you have it, friends! Thanks to everyone who visited the site all year, whether the most popular or most obscrue movie. The Duke and I look forward to another year of MADNESS, and we're takin' all of you with us! We love you! (Yes, in THAT way.)

The Vicar


Ezreal said...

"Galaxy of Terror" also got played on TCM Underground this last year, which I'm sure also added to its hit percentage. I personally thought that movie was one of the best pieces of trash I've seen in a long time.

venoms5 said...

I remember enjoying a Happy Meal from McDonalds in 1983 in the downstairs den of our house to watch GALAXY on HBO one evening as a kid. This was one of the many movies I had to sneak to see back then.

My stats haven't worked in some time, and sitemeter lists things in a different type of format. An interesting list you have there, Vicar!

Emily said...

How did I miss your Sinful Dwarf review? This is joy on a Monday!

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