Thursday, June 17, 2010

Happy Birfday, Vicar!

Today the Vicar of VHS turns an indeterminable age, and thus we must celebrate with wanton abandon or face his wrath. However, before we all strip off our clothes and engage in lascivious conduct, let us all reflect upon the man we all know and love with a few choice tidbits about his life.

- The Vicar's birth was foretold by prophecy in the year 305 A.D. by a blind pederast monk living in the hollowed-out carcass of a wildebeest which had died of loneliness.

- As a youngster, the Vicar's daily routine involved stoning widowed gypsies and creating fired-clay, blasphemously-rendered religious icons.

- Young adulthood saw the Vicar's rise to power, which was aided by the sudden death of every single one of his rivals. As it turns out, his "rivals" consisted of most of the population of Hungary and Romania.

- The Vicar attributes his long, unnatural life to hourly sexual release, but popular rumor speaks of profane pacts with powerful entities. Personally, I happen to know he is a member of Jenny Craig.

- Finally, the Vicar once ate 102 marshmallow Peeps(tm) and then immediately deflowered 11 serving girls before finally eating 4 whole chickens and downing a carafe of frog squeezin's. This was before he got out of bed on that particular day.

Happy Birthday, Vicar!


Richard of DM said...

Birthday? I've been celebrating the Vicar's conception all this time.

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Vicar!

Joe Monster said...

Congratulations for having been free of the slithering womb from whence you came, Vicar! I hope that you invite all the neighborhood werewolves over to your house for a kegger!

JamiSings said...

I suggest in honor of Vicar's birthday we sacrifice a Twilight fan.

Al Bruno III said...

Happy birthday you talented mofo!

The Vicar of VHS said...

Thank you! I love you all! And yes, I mean in THAT way! ;)

As for how to honor the occasion:

The Vicar

Emily said...

Happy birthday! And who knew Peeps were such a powerful tool of seduction?

Mary R. said...

Hey, I'm a Twilight fan!!! Don't sacrifice me! Anyway, VVHS, I left another message on your post about The Strange Revenge of Rosalie. You are a genius. (I have to type in "culpativ" to get this thing to work.Is that like "culpable"? LOL. Anyway, what about a review of "The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman" from the old Chiller Theater? Or, perhaps, Cat Women of the Moon? Or, Frankenstein's Daughter? These terrified me as a kid.

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