Blood Gnome (2004): or, Kick Me In My Puppet Balls, Baby!

I had been under the impression for years that a certain artifact dating from the 14th century was out of my reach. This artifact contains many, um, items shall we say, that I am interested in procuring. I speak, of course, of the Ossuary of Ollantaytambo, a relic of such
power it makes one dizzy to think on it. So much blood from the various cantors and clergy were spilled upon it, its power must vibrate the very air. The vessel was last known to be in the possession of a certain splinter group of Templars currently residing near the La Rochelle region of France. Had I known it would fall into my lap while on a trip to Peru for the Conference of Birds I would have packed more lightly.

But, I digress. Upon opening this treasure (after performing De Profundis of course), I was delighted to see that my theory had proven correct. The ossuary was nothing more than a chrysalis for the birthing of Blood Gnome. Blood Gnome... the words rolled off my tongue like the honeyed tears of 1000 orphans. At last I would gaze upon its wonders and perhaps despair... or perhaps to swoon in ecstasy. Let us begin.

Blood Gnome looks like it was filmed on a $200 camcorder that the producers (I use that word lightly) bought at a Wal-Mart seconds before shooting was to begin. It features actors and actresses whose sole quality for getting to be in the film was that they could breathe. And perhaps to show their tits. You see, Blood Gnome "stars" one of cinema's greatest treasures, star of countless Skinemax late night softcore "I wanna see some boobies!" movies, Julie Strain! Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Julie is mere a bystander here, apparently told to show up for the bondage scenes and display her assets.

Did I say bondage?! Why, yes I did mister! You see, Blood Gnome is a movie about the wild, wonderful world of BDSM. It seems this dominatrix has gotten a hold of a way to make some drug from the, uh, fetuses of a demon that she has trapped in a box, and, uh, she's using a drug dealer to sell her product, but then she kills him, and there's some invisible Blood Gnomes running around, and, well as you can see this movie is so jumbled I'm still not sure what I watched.

Let me break it down this way: There's a nerdy forensic investigator who used to be married to this hot blond, somehow, and he's coming to grips with her death by suicide, which incidentally he keeps a photo of on his wall. While investigating the murder of a dominatrix and her slave, he is introduced to Divinity, a dom who knew the deceased and wants answers. Turns out, Divinity is also a slave to the main bad chick dom who keeps the demon-in-a-box drug factory thingy. Still with me? Yeah, I thought so. See, this is about where I poured a large-ish dram of 25 year old Macallan.

Despite the nonsensical plot, BG does do a few things right. The Gnomes themselves seem to be brought on by ingesting the drug, from what I could tell, although they do just show up on their own sometimes. Anyway, they actually look creepy, in a rubber-doll-is-creepy sort of way. The effects of their attacks are also well done. Since they are invisible for most of the movie you only see their claws digging giant red cuts into people, which is actually done fairly well. When the BG's tear up their victims you really get a good show, and it readily becomes apparent where the film’s “budget” went.

When the forensic investigator discovers that the BGs can be seen using an infrared camera, we are treated to one of the best fight scenes put to film. I shit thee not, I literally cheered out loud, when a half dozen BGs attack our hapless investigator, and he proceeds to fight them all hand-to-hand, culminating in the most awesome rubber puppet kick to the balls in the history of human thought. At this point the movie had totally redeemed itself and I just sat back, sipped the Macallan, and smiled, for I had truly discovered a treasure few had witnessed.

The rest of the movie went along swimmingly, and included an overly long BDSM scene in which Julie finally showed her talents, as did Divinity and a host of semi-hawt chicas. We also get to see a balding, overweight cop get flagellated with a cat-o-nine-tails, which reminded me of the last party the Vicar threw. We also learn that BGs can use instant messaging via the Interwebs, a fact of which I had previously been unaware. We also learn that it is bad to taunt a BG, and that BGs are disturbingly easy to kill once you reveal their presence.

Gently placing the film back inside the ossuary, I closed the lid and handed the vessel to a eunuch in my employ. I may not ever gaze upon the cinematic brilliance that is Blood Gnome ever again, but at least I can sleep peacefully, knowing that it is in my care now. In the end, I must give Blood Gnome a very solid 2 thumbs. Should you ever chance upon a copy (for I know that certain groups in the Orthodoxy have copied it in the past), please do watch it, if for nothing else than to see a Blood Gnome get kicked in the wedding tackle.