Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Space Zombie Bingo, Or Perfection Does Come Cheap!


Star Wars. The Godfather. The Exorcist. Indiana Jones. Titanic. These are, arguably, movies that perfected their genre; movies that showed us what could be done in the realm of dramatic action or horror. They thrilled us, entertained us, and educated us with their near flawless execution. 1993's Space Zombie Bingo can now stand beside these movies as an example of perfection, at least within its own genre, that genre being “alien zombie movies with a budget less than that of a meal at McDonalds”. SZB has perfected this genre so completely that to try to make another movie within it would be a futile and ultimately laughable effort, a wasteful exercise that would get one banned from ever making a film again. What makes SZB so awesome? Let’s explore shall we?


Our film starts off with our narrator, Crisco. He is a nerdy type, wearing glasses and standing near a globe in some indeterminate location. Crisco informs us that a new menace threatens the earth: Alien Zombies! They were forced to flee their own planet and have chosen earth as their next living place, apparently. Arriving in saucers and using “unfair” weapons of “super-science”, they are here and must be dealt with. Crisco tells us the zombies are “Like a hideous, clown-like dwarf, molesting human destiny!" and leaves us with this ominous warning: "Audiences, leave the theater now, lest your bow3ls empty into your pants!"

The credits roll, and we are not disappointed as the music is by The Cryptkicker Five!! Cut to a scene of one of the oddest looking families I’ve ever seen eating a nice Sunday brunch on a blanket IN A F’ING GRAVEYARD! Suddenly alien zombies attack! For the layman out there who may not know what alien zombies look like, I’ll describe them: A tall humanoid, wearing a welding helmet that has antennae attached to the top, also wearing a full diving wetsuit and finally flippers on the feet. Terrifying!!

After dispatching the family, the zombies begin their feasting, only they feast on corpses that they dig from the graves! To say I lol’d at the mannequins being pulled from shallow graves would be an understatement. Crisco narrates: “These are not mannequins you see here but freshly dug corpses!” A tv commentator comes on, from Kill-TV “Where bodies count!”. He informs us that the zombies fled their own planet, planet Plankton no less, which was destroyed by its own lust! This will become important later, somewhat.

Next scene, obviously filmed at some aerospace outdoor museum (hey, free props!). Stepping off a plane as if he just landed in it, General Herpes Simplex strides forward to meet reporters. The lead reporter, dressed like a clown down to the round red nose and blue wig, peppers the General with questions, asking what he’s going to do about the zombie menace. “General! Are you soft on zombies, General? Are you playing footsies with the enemy?” The General reassures everyone that the military is on it, that their top man is going to solve this problem: Major Kent Bendover!

We are then introduced to Bendover as he arrives at a gravesite, freshly plundered by the alien zombies. Here we meet Barbie Q and her expendable boyfriend Hubert, who is quickly dispatched by zombies. Barbie is saved by Major Bendover and instantly falls in love with him, as Crisco illustrates with this memorable quote: “From the stench of the open grave, true love will always blossom!” Bendover has a plan to deal with the zombies… Operation Deep Fry. This consists of using atomic bombs to knock the earth out of its orbit and hurl it straight into the sun, the theory being that alien zombies can’t stand that much heat. When his plan is denied, he is instead launched into space to battle the zombie’s saucers directly. He manages to shoot one of them down before being shot down himself. He doesn’t die, however! Crisco informs us of why: “Due to his super-human physique and his YWCA membership, Bendover survives!”

Bendover’s troubles have just begun, however, as he is captured quite easily by the zombies, who take him back to their ship (presumably). He is tortured for a bit and finally the lead zombie declares: “Remove his s3xual organs and throw them away! No wait, replace his g0nads! I have a plan….” What a nefarious plan it is! Suddenly a female zombie comes in and unzips her wetsuit to reveal the most hideous zombie br3asts known to cinema. The following scene will haunt my memories forever. I can never wash the stain away, never!

Basically, the zombie chick rides Bendover like a rented mule, which doesn’t seem so bad, until we get a close-up, lingering shot of Bendover caressing her b00b, which SUDDENLY STARTS SQUIRTING A THICK WHITE LIQUID! Over and over it squirts, over and over again until your brain simply leaves your body for greener pastures. Having now coupled, the alien zombie is totally smitten with the Major (and who wouldn’t be?). They decide to escape together, which works quite well. Arriving back with his men, Bendover orders them to kill his new alien woman, which they do via a point-blank bazooka shot to the face.

Very quickly the General and Kent are in a car speeding towards a secret base that houses the only weapon that might destroy the zombies, a weapon called “Solarnite”. On the way there the General shoots down a zombie saucer using a small caliber pistol fired out the window of a speeding car. Deciding to use land-based pursuit, the zombies chase them using “The Deadly Zombie Death Pacer”, which actually is a real Pacer, orange in color, covered by shaving cream with a hand-made cardboard sign on the hood that says “Zombie Death Car”. I wish I were making this up, but I’m not that much of a genius!

After eluding the Death Pacer, the General and the Major hit another stumbling block: Mimes. Yes, mimes have decided to protest out in the middle of the road, holding a huge banner decrying the effects of Solarnite. The driver informs his passengers of the roadblock: “Mimes in the road, General. Looks like they are beautifully acting out a vision of a world of cooperation and happiness sir!” To which the General replies, “Mimes. Disgusting creatures. Run them over forthwith, driver!”. So the driver does this in what is probably the most mime death ever put to film.

Arriving at the base, Solarnite is deployed, which wipes out the zombies with much alacrity. Apparently zombies die via sweating shaving cream. Suddenly a broadcast is received from the zombie leader: “I shall release cosmic Q Rays!” The Q Rays have the unfortunately effect of EXPLODING THE EARTH! Crisco narrates the ending: “Do you believe our earth was destroyed? Can you prove it didn’t happen?!”

Cue ending credits.

The genius of SZB lies in the dialogue. I seriously haven’t laughed this often and this hard at a movie in a long while. Every line is delivered perfectly and is just so over the top ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh. The horrendous production values, which include terrible models and repeated views of the boom mic coming in at the top of the frame, make everything that much more funny. If ever there were such a thing as the perfect Troma film, this is it. I can’t recommend it highly enough, and there aren’t enough thumbs in the world to give it its due. Watch this, and be amazed!

2 comments:

jsabotta said...

Why, thank you!

The Duke of DVD said...

John Sabotta? If so, let me say, sir, that your NewsClown was beyond awesome, the script you wrote had me in stitches, and you have made at least the Vicar and I two happy movie viewers.

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